Friday, April 30, 2010

Breaking News - Sometimes The Same News Breaks For Three Days

Breaking News? Words you hear daily in the news. Evidently, "breaking news" can continue to be "breaking" for hours, even days. Yeah, it was breaking news about two days ago but now It should be classified as "Broken News But We Aren't Bright Enough To Find Anything Better."

The word "great" is to sports what "Breaking News" is to news organizations these days. There's a difference between "great" and "good". There are truly great or remarkable accomplishments and there are good accomplishments. One of the few times I've heard "breaking news" and "great" used correctly in the news was when Tiger Woods texted his mistress with, "Have you heard the breaking news? Great.....that's just great!"

Speaking of great, An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties. The woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The man said, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."

Then, the lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The man said, "That's great - put me down for Fridays."

The News As I See It: About 210,000 gallons of oil per day are leaking into the gulf. That’s equivalent to 10 buckets of fried chicken. The oil companies are promising to clean this whole mess up and, if you’ve ever been to a gas station restroom, you know how good they are at cleaning up. There are fears that the oil spill in the gulf will merge with a massive slick of self-tanner from the cast of "Jersey Shore" in Miami.

Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van. There are over 12 million illegal immigrants in this country, but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Colombian singer Shakira was in Phoenix to join the fight against Arizona’s tough new immigration law. If every illegal immigrant looked like Shakira, there would be no immigration laws except the ones that would keep immigrants in the country.

This Date In History: 1803; France sold Louisiana and adjoining lands to the United States as part of the Louisiana Purchase. 1812; Louisiana became the 18th state in the United States. 1939; U.S. commercial television made its official debut at the New York World’s Fair. The signal was transmitted from the Empire State Building.

1945; Adolf Hitler and his newly married mistress Eva Braun committed suicide. 1948; The Organization of American States held its first meeting in Bogotá, Colombia. 1975; The Vietnam War ended with South Vietnam's surrender to North Vietnam.

1991; Over 131,000 were killed and as many as 9 million left homeless when a cyclone struck Bangladesh. 2003; Libya accepted responsibility for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

Picture Of The Day: I'd liked the featured picture the moment I saw it. I don't know if it's because I started fishing very early in life or just the depth of the picture, but I like it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 2) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f*ck happened. 3) Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. 4) Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. 5) Be an optimist--at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Saint John Baptist de la Salle, educator 1651, John Crowe Ransom, poet and critic 1888 Eve Arden, actress 1912, Cloris Leachman, actress 1926, Willie Nelson, country singer, songwriter 1933, Isiah Thomas, basketball player 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: After an examination, the doctor said to the old man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" The old man replied, "In fact, I do. After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly. Then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined the old man's wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" The old woman said, "That crazy old bastard. That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is some time in August."

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?'' Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, ''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming (( anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed )): My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The husband picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' The husband said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Johnny just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds and Tommy's mom wants to talk to you right now."

Little Mary asked her mother, "How did the humans come about?" Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve, then they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little Mary asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" Her mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

That's it for today my little Gypsies. Remember, a friend hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and little recreation. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Goldman Sacks, Plunders And Loots - Huh?

Goldman Sachs employees are getting their asses reamed by Congress and from what I've seen on the news, the situation seems to be getting a little shitty.The Senate is holding hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. The top executive from Goldman Sachs testified before Congress yesterday, which proves that crooks always return to the scene of the crime.

If you are of the Muslim religion, you don't have to give all the new Obamacare healthcare reform regulations and penalties another thought. Because the concept of being compelled to participate in such a healthcare program offends Islamic sensibilities, Muslims are specifically exempt.

As a matter of fact if you are Amish, American Indian or a Christian Scientist you do not need to participate or pay the taxes associated with healthcare reform. That means not having to be forced to buy healthcare insurance, not paying the taxes or the penalties if you don't get it. Here is what the regulations say:

EXEMPTIONS FROM INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY REQUIREMENTS: In the case of an individual who is seeking an exemption certificate under section 1311(d)(4)(H) from any requirement or penalty imposed by section 5000A, the following information: In the case of an individual seeking exemption based on the individual’s status as a member of an exempt religious sect or division, as a member of a health care sharing ministry, as an Indian,or as an individual eligible for a hardship exemption, such information as the Secretary shall prescribe. Senate Bill, H.R. 3590, pages 273-274.

There are several reasons why an individual could claim exemption. Being a member of a religion that does not believe in insurance is one of them. Islam is one of those religions. Muslims believe that health insurance is “haraam”, or forbidden; because they liken the ambiguity and probability of insurance to gambling. This belief excludes them from any of the requirements, mandates, or penalties set forth in the bill

There you have it my little papooses. With this information, I guarantee that all Americans will love and embrace Obamacare. If this is not true, then my name isn't Chief Ahmed Bin Screaming Eagle.

The News As I See It: Arizona has recently passed the toughest immigration law in history. The idea behind it is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles. Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. This means that rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now.

During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country. One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. The worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours.

President Obozo gave a speech about his plans to reform Wall Street. In an embarrassing moment, the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security and had to empty his pockets — and five senators fell out. Obozo is now considering approving the development of a hypersonic missile that can deliver its payload anywhere in the world within an hour. It was a joint venture between the U.S. military and Domino’s Pizza.

George Dubya Bush’s memoir is coming out on Nov. 9. On the cover, Bush is wearing a dark suit and holding a briefing book with his head turned slightly from the camera, or as Bush calls it, "posing all serious-like." The publisher says that in the book, Bush writes honestly and directly about his flaws and mistakes. This is going to be a long book.

This Date In History: 1788; Maryland became the 7th state in the United States. 1789 Fletcher Christian led the mutiny aboard the British ship Bounty against Captain William Bligh.1945; Benito Mussolini was executed. 1947; Thor Heyerdahl and five others began their Pacific Ocean crossing on the raft, Kon-Tiki.

1967; Boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the Army. 1992; The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture unveiled its first "food pyramid." 2001; Dennis Tito became the first space tourist.

Picture Of The Day: Photoshop and political cartoon artists are having a field day with the Goldman Sachs scandal and I love it. It's great fodder for Jimmy's Journal. The exception, however, is the last picture of today's post. Although the young lady is very beautiful, I would find it difficult to ask her out on a date.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter. 2) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. 3) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "your account's overdrawn." 4) Some people are like a Slinky, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 5) Pull up your pants and straighten your hat, you look like an asshole!.....and that's five !

Birthdays: James Monroe, American president 1758, born in Westmoreland County, VaMarie Joseph Chenier, poet and dramatist 1764, Lionel Barrymore, actor 1878, Harper Lee. author 1926, Saddam Hussein, asshole 1937, Jay Leno, talk-show host 1950 Penélope Cruz, actress 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an old man. The old man asks, "What's wrong, you look mad?" She replied, "I am! That bus driver just insulted me."

The old man said, "You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. The woman said, "You're right sir I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda Running Deer in Washington for her contribution to today's stories.

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" All answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. He said, "I have never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper!".

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. The man said, "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits. Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. The husband said, "Let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. The husband said with an evil smile, "Now, tell him you have a headache!"

That's it for today my little dixie cups. Remember, life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do tonight might burn your ass tomorrow! With that thought in mind, I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 26, 2010

If The Week Was A Tuxedo, Monday Would Be A Pair Of Brown Shoes

The market went to hell in a handbasket and guess what the Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) did about it? Nothing! They were too busy downloading pornograghy. Dozens of Securities and Exchange Commission staffers used government computers to access and download explicit images and many of the incidents have occurred since the global financial meltdown began.

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), ranking Republican on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, said it was “nothing short of disturbing that high-ranking officials within the SEC were spending more time looking at pornography than taking action to help stave off the events that brought our nation's economy to the brink of collapse."

The recent release of this information comes about the same time as SEC investigators filed a fraud case against Wall Street powerhouse Goldman Sachs. Coincidental?

The Securities and Exchange Commission charged Goldman, Sachs & Co. and one of its vice presidents for defrauding investors by misstating and omitting key facts about a financial product tied to subprime mortgages as the U.S. housing market was beginning to falter.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed Arizona's new immigration law last Friday. Brewer said the law represents another tool for the state to "work to solve a crisis we did not create and the federal government has refused to fix - the crisis caused by illegal immigration and Arizona's porous border." Personally, I hope all the states adopt the same law and forces the Obozo adminstration to face and resolve the illegal immigration issue. This means, of course, he'll lose a number of his constituents, but what's a taco between friends.

The News As I See It: According to USA Today, 71 percent of Californian households have already filled out and returned their census. That's the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish. General Motors has paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you.

Spirit Airlines announced it’s going to install non-reclining seats in their airplanes. They came up with this last month after they saw a passenger that looked comfortable.

President Obozo is probably the most popular leader in the world, which is amazing. They opened a nightclub in China named after Obozo. The amazing thing is that it hasn't even opened yet and it is already $12 trillion in debt.

This Date In History: 1607; Colonists land at Cape Henry, Va., They would found Jamestown the next month. 1865; John Wilkes Booth, Lincoln’s assassin, was surrounded by federal troops in a barn in Virginia. He was shot and killed, either by the soldiers or by his own hand. 1937; The German Luftwaffe (air force) destroyed the Spanish town of Guernica.

1964; Tanganyika and Zanzibar joined to form Tanzania. 1986; The worst nuclear power plant accident in history occurred at Chernobyl, near Kiev, U.S.S.R. 1994; The first multi-racial elections were held in South Africa. 2000; Vermont Governor Howard Dean signed the nation's first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions.

Picture Of The Day: It's always comforting to know that while the nation's economy is going down the porcelain receptacle (the "shitter" for the hard of understanding), some fat ass SEC member is downloading and watching pornography.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It is said that one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my dad or my mom or maybe my younger brother Kirt or my baby brother Hop-Sing, but I'm pretty sure it's Kirt. 2) I went to Sears the other day to buy some camouflage fishing pants, but I couldn't find any. 3) Have you ever woke up with your face in a plate of nachos and an Amish horse and buggy parked in front of your house? either! 4) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual." 5) Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' until you can find a suitable rock.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John James Audubon, American ornithologist 1785, Eugène Delacroix, painter 1798, Frederick Law Olmsted, landscape architect 1822, Ma Rainey, blues musician 1886, I. M. Pei, architect 1917, Carol Burnett, comedienne 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Murray, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" Murray replied "Fantastic! They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." Fred said, "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Murray went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" Fred said, "You mean a rose?" Murray said, "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife and said, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that clinic we went to?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two 70 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" The first man said, "You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

A woman was complaining to her girlfriend, "I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don't seem interested in me. I don't know what's wrong with me." Her girlfriend said, "You know what? I know a Chinese doctor that can help you," So, her friend gave her the doctor's address and the next day she went to see him.

The woman tells the doctor what her problem is and the doctor says, "Take off your crows." The woman asks, "What, what did you say?" The doctor repeated, "Take off your crows", motioning for her to take off her clothes. The doctor continued, "Ok, now craw to the window." The doctor said, "Craw to the window", as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant. So she crawled to the window. The doctor said, "Now craw back to me" he says motioning her to come back.

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah-ha! I know what your problem is." The woman anxiously says, "Well, doctor, what is it?" The doctor says, "You have Ed Zachary disease." The woman asks, "What is Ed Zachary disease?" The doctor says, "Your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass."

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says, "Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"

That's it for today my little fur balls. Remember, between two evils, always take the one you've never tried before. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 23, 2010

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday !

A Missouri man who won a $258 million Powerball jackpot and plans to use some of the money to pay bills, replace his two missing front teeth and take his children to Disney World said he hasn't decided whether he'll quit his job at the convenience store where he bought the winning ticket.

Right! If I won $258 million dollars, the last thing on my mind would be whether or not I would continue to work. There have been some days that if I would have won $258 dollars, I wouldn't have gone to work. I don't worry too much about winning the lottery though because if my ship were to come in, I'd probably be at the airport.

I play the lottery sometimes and I've won some cash a few times but nothing to write home about. Over the years, I've learned to never gamble with the rent money and to quit while your ahead. I enjoy gambling and I've won some decent money on the crap tables in Las Vegas, but I play for fun and I'm well aware that the chances of winning big are very small.

Still, I buy a few lottery tickets occasionally and the day I purchase the tickets, I feel like a winner until the morning after the drawing. What the hell, what's the worst thing that could happen? I win $258 million? Hey, it could happen. Someone has to win.

The News As I See It: The Icelandic volcano continues to spew ash and the black cloud is still pretty big, but not as big as the black cloud over Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. The British government sent a warship to France to bring home stranded Britons. There was an embarrassing moment however when the ship pulled up to the port, the French immediately surrendered.

The U.S. government said that Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. I'm guessing that will be Goldman Sachs.

Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. When Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch.

A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street.

Yesterday was the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt and you begin to look like Uranus. A lot of people recycled plastic yesterday, except in Beverly Hills, where recycling plastic means remarrying your ex-wife.

This Date In History: 1616; Playwright William Shakespeare died in Stratford-on-Avon, England. 1954; Hank Aaron hit the first of his 755 home runs. 1969; Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death (later reduced to a life sentence) for the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy.

1985; Coca-Cola announced that it was changing its formula and introduced New Coke. 1998 ;James Earl Ray, convicted of assassinating Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., died. 2004; The U.S. resumed diplomatic relations with Libya.

Picture Of The Day: Photographs from Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull (pronounced E-I-E-O) volcano which really cannot be appreciated unless seen larger. But, fear not, my little munchkins, I have a link that you can click to see these pictures and more at full screen size.

What? You think I'm going to put the link here? Wrong, volcano breath! Finish reading today's post and you'll find the link at the bottom of the page.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. 2) Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 3) "Uh, no, you've got the wrong number. This is 91..2." 4) A man with both feet firmly on the ground can't get his pants off! 5) An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Oliver Cromwell statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An older man and woman meet at the early bird special at a local restaurant. They immediately hit it off and seemed to share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the old man asks for the hand of the old woman in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be asking, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answered, "It's OK. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life." The old woman asks, "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks the old man, "And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment and asks, "Is that one word or two?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories and pictures.

Two hunters in Louisiana are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. She had her hand on her gun when he grabbed the purse, and she was left with the revolver in her hand. When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away she replied under oath, "Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click."

A man rear-ended a car one morning and slowly the other driver got out of his car. The man was so stressed that it took him a moment to realize the driver he had just rear-ended was a dwarf. The dwarf stormed over the man, looked up and shouted, "I am not happy!" The man looked down at him and said, 'Well, then, which one are you?"

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Miami made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming, "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?" The humbled crew responded, "Yes, ma'am."

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Freebies: Get a coupon for a free whopper at Burger King when you sign up for Heartland Food Company's VIP customer club. No purchase is necessary. The coupon has your name on it and says a cashier will ask you for ID when you redeem it. To get the coupon Click Here

To see the volcano pictures, Click This Link

That's it for today my little sweet potatoes. Remember, neither facts nor farts cease to exist because they are ignored. That said, I'm going to skip my three bean salad and head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

It's Hump Day - Do You Know Where You Parked Your Car?

It's been a strange week. Weed Day was celebrated on April 20th and Earth Day is tomorrow. Those that celebrated yesterday should be coming back to Earth in time for tomorrow's celebration. California will celebrate the entire week with the hopes that they can legalize marijuana to pay their debts.

An initiative to legalize marijuana and allow it to be sold and taxed will appear on the November ballot in California. Considering that the voters in the state were so bright that they actually elected Arnold Schwarzenagger to be their governor, the thought of the initiative passing is a distinct possibility.

I imagine the next governor of California will be either Cheech Marin or Tommy Chong. Wow man! What's next....the White House? Then again, look who the bright voters of America elected as their president....I wonder if California passes the pot bill, will other states follow suit? Will our elected officials change drastically? What the hell, considering what we have in the Oval Office and Capital Hill, how much worse could it be?

The News As I See It: Airports in Europe are closed due to the Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajökull (pronounced "I'm a dinner jacket"...wait, that's the asshole from Iran...((never mind)), erupting. Smoke and ash is spreading all over Europe. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson’s tour bus. The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered.

You can’t fly an airplane through an ash plume because the engines will be shut down faster than Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah. The volcano is erupting underneath a glacier, meaning everything kicks up through a hole in the ice. Some scientists are calling it an "ice-hole," but other scientists are saying the problem is pre-existing ash, therefore it’s more of an "ash-hole."

President Obozo had to cancel his trip to Poland, and this morning he said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon. The volcano said the same thing about him.

Today's Thought: I do not forward the 50 million chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Kentucky with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

This Date In History: 1836; Texan army under Sam Houston defeated Mexicans in the Battle of San Jacinto. 1910; Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), author of the novel Huckleberry Finn, died at the age of 74. 1918; Baron Manfred von Richthofen, the notorious World War I German flying ace known as the "Red Baron," was killed in action today.

1960; Brazil inaugurated its new capital, Brasilia. 1975; South Vietnamese President Nguyen Van Thieu resigned. 1980 Rosie Ruiz was the first woman to cross the finish line at the Boston Marathon. She was later disqualified for cheating. 1995; Timothy McVeigh was arrested in connection with the Oklahoma City bombing.

1997; The ashes of Timothy Leary, Gene Roddenberry, and 22 others blasted into space for the first space funerals.

Picture Of The Day: Some of the new changes that might come to pass if America legalizes marijuana. Hey, it could happen.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum. 2) Dyslexic postcard: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 3) A fate worse than death: to be married alive. 4) Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep 'til noon. 5) The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Charlotte Brontë, novelist 1816, John Muir, naturalist 1838, Anthony Quinn, actor 1915, Queen Elizabeth II, English Monarch 1926, Tony Romo, football player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."

The old man continued, "I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty 'ROARRR!'....I shit my pants." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes." The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours." The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!" The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the "F" word." Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

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That's it for today my little sugar plums. Remember, It takes more muscles to frown than to make a quick left jab. Happy Hump Day! I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !