Wednesday, September 29, 2010

If Ya' Gotta Go, Do It Your Way !

Death is never funny but sooner or later, everyone has to go to the Principal's office. That said, I would be remiss in not thinking of how one might die. I mean, if you have to go, some ways seem to be better than others. Take the case of the recently departed owner of the Segway company who accidentally drove his Segway over a cliff and into a river. In retrospect, I'm sure that if he would have known that the purchase would be his demise, he would have chosen another venture...maybe purchasing a brothel. Either way, like Sinatra, he did it Segway.

Author Jim Fixx, who spurred the jogging craze with his best-selling books about running and preached the gospel that active people live longer, died of a heart attack while on a solitary jog in Vermont. It could be said that Mr. Fixx died doing what he loved. On the other hand, if that's the terms and conditions for the way one might die, methinks Mr. Fixx would have rather hung out with me in AREA 51. I'm just saying.....

There have been others who have died in an odd manner as well. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Other people are more fortunate and either die instantly or in their sleep. My grandfather was one of those fortunate few and died peacefully in his sleep. He was lucky that he didn't die yelling and screaming like the rest of the people in his car.

We don't know exactly what our future holds for us and it's really not necessary to dwell on the inevitable. Personally, I like to think positively and enjoying the good things in life. As a precaution though, I'll continue to work on my new book "Relationships With Voluptuous Younger Women."

The News As I See It: The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Sorry Mexico, but we have our priorities.....

They say the Titanic sank because the captain had a big problem when he tried to turn way to the left. To which President Obozo said, "Tell me about it." Obozo said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his? Obozo has written a children’s book. Why not? He’s got nothing else on his plate. His book is called "The One-Term Engine That Could."

Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn’t get what they wanted should just "buck up." Biden should know, he's "bucked up" a number of times.

This Date In History: 1399; King Richard II became the first English monarch to abdicate his throne. 1829; Sir Robert Peel's police force, the "bobbies," began operations at Scotland Yard. 1895; French chemist Louis Pasteur died. 1978; John Paul I died one month after becoming pope.

1982; Seven people died after taking Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide. This led to the use of safety seals on most consumer products. 1988; The space shuttle Discovery was launched, the first American staffed space flight since the Challenger disaster. 2001; Former South Vietnam president Nguyen Van Thieu died.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang must have taken a well deserved break this week because the pickings have been slim. I did find a few however and the topic was "Tourism Posters." In today's pics, the posters are from unusual and unlikely sources.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. 2) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. 3) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 4) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Deena - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Miguel de Cervantes, novelist, dramatist, and poet 1547, Horatio Nelson Nelson, admiral 1758, Enrico Fermi, physicist 1901, Greer Garson, actress 1904, Gene Autry, singer 1907, Stanley Kramer, film director 1913, Jerry Lee Lewis, rock musician 1935, Lech Wales, Polish labor leader 1943, Bryant Gumbel, TV newscaster 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man said, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4', but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Anne, who is recovering from surgery, for her contribution to today's post.

Two aliens (from space, not Mexico) landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that!"

The younger alien said, "Rubbish", aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him as a charred, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his eyes on the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

The youngster said, "What a ferocious creature! He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear."

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. She exclaimed, "Oh, a genie! Now I will get three wishes!" The genie said, "No, you have been very bad recently, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

Monica says, "Let's see...I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. But, I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed."

The genie folded his arms, closed his eyes and, "Poof!", just like that, her ears were gone.

That's it for today my little piccolo players. Remember, a true friend hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. AREA 51 is my destination for Happy Hour if I can remember the way. Drat, and I'm out of breadcrumbs! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 27, 2010

Yeah? Well When I Was A Kid, I Had To........

My father walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school. At least that's what he told me the first time I complained about walking a half mile to school. Years later, my friend, who had recently undergone a colonoscopy, was telling Dad about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him that, back in the day, his colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist.

I've always been amused at parent's tales of the old days when someone complains about life today. Stories of how it was when the parent was a child are often a bit exaggerated, yet this age old tradition seems to be handed down from generation to generation.

There is no doubt that things and conditions improve over time and each generation has their own tales of woe. We didn't have a television until I was in the third or fourth grade. There was no telephone in my house until I was in my mid-teens. Air Conditioning? Right, forget it! Not until I got married.

So, what does the children of my generation tell their children? We didn't have remote control on our television? We had to use the encyclopedia or the Library to look up information for school? We had to use our land line phones in our rooms to speak with our friends?

I can't imagine what today's generation will tell their children. Kids today are walking around with a cell phone as young as age nine or ten and have computers at home. Overweight and sassy, it will be interesting to hear how they relate their tales of woe.

Quick Notes: If I would had been on the Delta Airlines plane that made an emergency landing, I would have gotten out of my seat and told the flight attendant to shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Let me die in peace! You sound like my ex-wife! Shut up! Shut up! Geez......!

Talk about irony, the British tycoon who owned the Segway company died after accidentally riding a rugged version of the two-wheeled machine off a cliff and into a river.

Just to let you know - Today I received my 2010 Obama StimulusPackage. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon......

The News As I See It: Forbes has come out with its list of the richest 400 people in America. Number one was Bill Gates. Number two was Tiger Woods' ex-wife.

President Obozo's top economic adviser, Larry Summers, is stepping down. Finally, some good economic news. Summers didn't want to leave, but apparently he was out of bad ideas. Summers is the third Obozo economic adviser to leave the White House since July. In fact, the only jobs opening up these days are for White House economic advisers.

Kia is recalling their logo on their hoods. Not because they injure anyone, it's just that the owners are embarrassed to have it on there.

This Date In History: 1540; Pope Paul III approved the charter for the Society of Jesus (Jesuits), founded by St. Ignatius Loyola. 1939; Warsaw, Poland, was surrendered to the Nazis after weeks of resistance. 1959; Typhoon Vera battered the Japanese island of Honshu, killing almost 5,000 people.

1964; The Warren Commission report concluded that there was no conspiracy in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. 1998; Mark McGwire hit his record-setting 69th and 70th home runs in the last game of the regular season.

Picture Of The Day: Hey! I'm fishing here! Today's pics don't quite match, but I'm told I'm a bit eclectic and I like deer. Anyway, Scott Nelson and his Sons were fishing Saturday when this small Whitetail fawn approached them on the South fork of the Snake River. It must have spent the summer bumming from campers or maybe one the home owners in the lower canyon was feeding it, so it lost its fear of humans.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If beer and women aren't the answer, then you're asking me the wrong question. 2) When it comes to politics, you have to remember one thing about the will of the people. It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. 3) Why are women trying to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Those men already have boyfriends. 4) If God sneezed, what would you say to him? 5) It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Samuel Adams, political leader in the American Revolution, signer of the Declaration of Independence 1722, Cosimo de' Medici. merchant prince 1389, Alfred Thayer Mahan, naval historian 1840, Thomas Nast, caricaturist 1840, Vincent Youmans, composer 1898 Gwyneth Paltrow, actress 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking. Dorothy says, "That nice Jack Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna says, "Well, he arrived my apartment in a fine suit and he brought me beautiful flowers! He took me out in a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. We had a marvelous dinner...lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!"

Edna continued, "Then, we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal, completely crazy. He tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me two times!" Dorothy says, "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna says, "No, I'm just saying wear an old dress."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne and my pal, Victor, for their contributions to today's post.

A man entered a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful young blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" The old man replied, "No, arthritis."

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. She yells,"Where the hell have you been all night?" The guy says, "At this fantastic new bar, The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story and asks, "Is this the Golden Saloon?" A man says, "Yes it is," She says "Do you have huge golden doors and golden floors?" The man says, "We most certainly do." The wife asks, "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the man say, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

Four guys went fishing and after about an hour, the first guy said, "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend. The second guy said, "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy remarked, "Man, you both have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish.

When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" The fourth guy answered, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her ass and said, 'Fishing or Sex?' and she said, 'Wear sun-block'."

That's it for today my little cupcakes. Remember, life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, September 24, 2010

Give An Idiot A Microphone At The United Nations And His Speech Will Prove Your Suspicions !

Every time you think you've seen and heard it all, some dimwit raises the stupid bar to new heights. Iranian President Ahmadinejad (pronounced I'm-a dinner-jacket), in a speech at the United Nations, said, "Some segments within the U.S. government orchestrated the (9/11) attack to reverse the declining American economy and its grips on the Middle East in order also to save the Zionist regime."

Loud gasps could be heard in the chamber and the U.S. delegation stood up and walked out. The Americans were followed out by diplomats from other U.S. allies. Standing at five feet four inches tall, A-Jad, besides being insane, seems to also suffer from a Napoleon Complex as well. I wonder if he was tall enough to even notice that half the audience left after his 9/11 comments.

Then we have Lindsay Lohan, was denied bail, handcuffed and taken into custody Friday for breaking probation by failing a pair of drug tests following her release from rehab. Judge Elden Fox issued the order without hearing arguments from Lohan's lawyers and the actress could be held in custody until a hearing in late October. Talk about a severe case of "dumbass"!

The News As I See It: Vice President Joe O'Biden says in fact the stimulus is working. He also says his hair plugs are working. President O'Bozo, whose rating is now 42%, was unavailable for comment.

The premiere of "Hawaii Five-0" was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon O'Bozo’s birth certificate.

The hit show "Dancing With the Stars" is drawing rave reviews, but some viewers who have Direct TV are missing the action because they signed up for the "heterosexual programming package."

Odds and Ends: The world’s oldest man celebrates his 114th birthday this week. If you want to buy him a present, hurry. You can tell it’s autumn because Christine O’Donnell used her cauldron to make chowder.

This Date In History: 1789; Congress passed the First Judiciary Act which provided for a U.S. attorney general and the Supreme Court. 1957 The Brooklyn Dodgers played their last game at Ebbets Field. 1960; The Enterprise, the first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, was launched.

1969; The trial of the "Chicago Eight," radical antiwar and counterculture activists accused of conspiring to incite riots at the 1968 Democratic convention, began. 1991; Children's author Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, died at age 87. 1996; The United States and the world's other major nuclear powers.

Picture Of The Day: Sometimes it seem that the loonies are beginning to out number cockroaches. Thankfully, the photoshop gang is always at the ready to paint a more realistic picture. On a sidenote, I loved the picture of the old Chevy, so I threw it in.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the seventh or the eighth. 2) My ex-wife said I never listened to least I think that's what she said. 3) Why is it that some children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 4) There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz. 5) Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Lydia. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, John Marshall, American jurist, 4th Chief Justice of the United States (1801–1835) 1755, Mark Hanna, capitalist and politician 1837, F. Scott Fitzgerald, writer 1896, Jim Henson, puppeteer 1936, Phil Hartman, actor 1948, Paul and Morgan Hamm, gymnasts 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was very impressed. She decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" She replied, "No, but my cucumbers are enormous."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two Louisiana hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

After having their 11th child, an Detroit couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. The doctor said a less costly alternative was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor said, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine, just shaking it all up and watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied "Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy." The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle!"

That's it for today my little prairie pups. Remember, it isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Been there, done that! Think I'll go spread the word at AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

By The Way, Did You Know.....

A recent study conducted by the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurt, and shit like that.

Did you know that if you sell your house after 2012 you will pay a 3.8% sales tax on it? That's $3,800 on a $100,000 home etc. When did this happen? It's in the healthcare bill. Under the new health care bill, all real estate transactions will be subject to a 3.8% sales tax The bulk of these new taxes don't kick in until 2013 (presumably after Obozo's re-election).

You can thank Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Obozo and your local Democrat Congressman for this one. If you sell your $400,000 home, there will be a $15,200 tax. This bill is set to screw the retiring generation who often downsize their homes. Is this Hope & Change great or what? Does this make your November 2010 and 2012 votes more important?

General Motors, who was bailed out by the government using our U.S. federal dollars, is now making political contributions to candidates. What's wrong with this picture? Let's see.... Senator Lipschitz votes to bailout GM with our tax dollars and then GM makes a financial contribution to Senator Lipschitz's campaign. That's either immoral or incestuous at best. Hey, is this a great country or what?

President Obozo's aunt, Zeituni Onyango, says she's done nothing wrong by illegally living in the United States for years and is therefore deserving of amnesty. Onyango told a Boston's WBZ news that, "If I come as an immigrant, you have the obligation to make me a citizen."

Onyango described how she came to America in 2000 from her native Kenya, fell ill and was hospitalized. Upon her release, Onyango told WBZ, she was out of money. So rather than return to her homeland, she continued to live in the country in violation of immigration laws.

After stints in a Boston homeless shelter, Onyango was eventually put in public housing and began receiving disability payments. In 2004, an immigration judge ordered her to leave the country, but Onyango remained. Onyango says that she received no help from Obozo as her case was reviewed by Judge Leonard Shapiro, who ruled in May that Onyango could remain in the United States.....Right!

The News As I See It: There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It’s pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school.

Christine O’Donnell says that she once had a date on a Satanic altar. Hey, who hasn’t? Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O’Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water.

The Pope met the Queen of England and they both said the same thing to each other - "Nice hat."

A Frenchman named Philippe Croizon with no arms or legs swam across the English Channel in less than 14 hours. In related news, I watched four hours of the Home Shopping Network because I couldn’t find the remote and the TV was over 5 feet away.

In the spoiled celebrity department. an arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan after she failed a court-ordered drug test. Maybe that’s what she meant when she said she wanted to be "more positive." After pleading guilty to cocaine possession, Paris Hilton was ordered to pay a $2,000 fine, which is what one of her shoes costs.

This Date In History: 1776; Nathan Hale was hanged by the British as a spy during the Revolutionary War. 1789; Congress authorized the office of Postmaster-General. 1792; The French Republic was proclaimed.

1862; President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, proposing to free all slaves of rebel states as of Jan. 1, 1863. 1980; The Persian Gulf conflict between Iran and Iraq erupted into full-scale war. 1989; Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

Picture Of The Day: The Photoshop gang always provides me with great pictures for political fodder with their chop pictures. These are a few of the recent ones that amused me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. 2) I went to a bar last week that had a black light. Everybody looked cool except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. 3) I think if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. 4) You know those fishing shows on TV? They catch a fish and then let it go. I wonder if the male fish goes home and his wife says, "Where were you?" Then the male fish says, "I got caught!" Then, the female fish says, "I don't believe you, let me see the inside of your lip." 5) We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we didn't laugh that evening when he came back with a whore he picked up in town......and that's five !

Birthdays: Michael Faraday, English scientist 1791, Theodore Clement Steele, artist 1847, Babette Deutsch, poet 1895, Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! The mortician said, "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. The mortician, opening his briefcase, said, "Honey, I have something to show you that you won't believe." His wife looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! Schwartz is dead!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman and her boyfriend are speeding down a country lane after leaving a party. The woman decides she wants to have some fun so she takes off all of her clothes so she can flash other motorists. Unfortunately, the man gets a little distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but the man is trapped and stuck in the wreckage.

The only cover she can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs for help. A drunk is sitting outside a nearby bar and she shouts to him, "Help my boyfriend is stuck!" The drunk looks at the shoe and says, "I'll call an ambulance for help but from the looks of it, I'd say your boyfriend's a goner!"

A tribe of Indians captures a cowboy and brings him back to their camp. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man. Going to die and can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears and yells, "Read my lips! Posse! P-o-s-s-e!"

That's it for today my little song birds. Remember, God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. It's Hump Day and that in itself is a reason to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 20, 2010

Recession? What Recession? (New Video)

The National Bureau of Economic Research has reported that the Recession, which began in December of 2007, ended in June 2009. Who knew? Where the hell have I been? If they would have told me sooner, I would have worried less about being broke while the economy went to hell.

Technically, economist may be correct. The economy must slow-down for for a number of months to be considered a recession. Conversely, the economy must rebound for the same period for a recession to be considered over. The problem is that if the economy goes down for two months, then rebounds for one month and then goes down again, the consecutive month theory begins anew.

I don't know about you, but when my business reacts like this, I'm losing money. If we are "out of the recession", then I assure you that we're beginning a new one. There are just too many people out of work and no one is spending. We see what happens, but my advice is to stay liquid and limit your spending.

Here is my newest video. I am taking a number of the songs that I have recorded in the past and putting them to video. You can see all my videos on Facebook or at my YouTube site. The YouTube Link is also on the sidebar.

Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: In her fight against childhood obesity, first lady Michelle Obama is urging communities to make fresh produce more available to young people, even in liquor stores. Uh, If your kid is hanging out at the liquor store, obesity is the least of your problems.

An openly gay Saudi Arabian diplomat is seeking asylum here in the U.S. His reason: he’s an openly gay diplomat from Saudi Arabia.

The French Senate has outlawed the burka, giving hope to U.S. lawmakers that one day soon, we will outlaw the Snuggie.

Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, a large number of people imply with bad jokes that the population of New Orleans isn't very smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level, in a Hurricane Zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius.

This Date In History: 1870; Victor Emmanuel II, the first king of modern Italy, seized the Papal States from the French. 1881; Chester A. Arthur was sworn in as the 21st president of the United States, succeeding James A. Garfield, who had been assassinated. 1973; Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs in a battle of the sexes tennis match.

1998; Baltimore Oriole shortstop Cal Ripken, Jr., sat out a game, ending his consecutive game playing streak. Ripken played 2,632 consecutive games over 16 seasons. 2000; Independent Counsel Robert Ray announced the end of the Whitewater investigation, saying there was insufficient evidence to charge President Clinton and his wife, Hillary.

2001; President George W. Bush addressed the nation and a joint session of Congress about terrorism. He also named Tom Ridge as head of the new Office of Homeland Security.

Picture Of The Day: Ipanema Beach, Brazil, is today's theme and one of the loveliest spots in Brazil. Pristine beaches, beautiful women and and sun are just a few things offered in this vacation spot.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think they should change the instructions for the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure while flying. My instructions would be: Oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. You can clean your shorts later. 2) A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 3) If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box? 4) My ex-wife and I never thought alike. She donated money to the homeless, and I donated money to the topless! 5) I went to AREA 51 Saturday to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my ex-wife......and that's five !

Birthdays: Sir James Dewar chemist and physicist 1842, Herbert Putnam, librarian 1861, Upton Sinclair, American novelist and socialist 1878, Red Auerbach, basketball coach 1917, Dr. Joyce Brothers, psychologist 1928, Sophia Loren, actress 1934, Guy Lafleur, hockey player 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three women were having lunch. One was engaged, one was a mistress, and one was married for 20 years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Later that week, they met for lunch again. The engaged woman said, "The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

The married woman said, "When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Linda in Washington, for her contribution to today's stories.

A man guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" The man says, "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The woman says, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man says, "There's no damn problem, I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!" The manager says, "I see sir......and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, the inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. The investigator says, "Okay, Jack, you were near the scene, what happened?" Jack says, "Well, it's like this. Tyrone was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

The investigator, in stunned horror, says,"He was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been with the company?" Jack says, "About 20 years, sir." The investigator says, "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room? I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." Jack replies, "It was, sir."

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules, "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want. And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules." His new bride replied, "That's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

That's it for today my little cotton pickers. Remember, if it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !