Friday, April 29, 2011
Probably one of the most important reasons why I wanted to trace my roots was because of my Grandfather Sullivan. He has long since passed and his birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The walks we used to take and the advice he used to give. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
The story I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was at the tender age of twelve. We were sitting in the back yard and he told me that, one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. He said, "Son, be sure you marry a good woman with small hands." I asked him, "Why small hands, Grandpa?" He looked at me, smiled and said, "It makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
The News As I See It: 2012 celebrates the 75th anniversary of Social Security checks. For my younger readers who may not know what a Social Security check is, don't worry about it. You’ll never see one in your lifetime, anyway.
The price of coffee has hit a 34-year high. That is, except at Starbucks, where that overpriced crap they refer to as coffee has always been at a 34-year high....and served by a "barrista." Yeah? Well, in most restaurants, I just call them "waiter".
Katie Couric has announced that she’s leaving the CBS. Insiders think she may have been involved in dog-fighting. But, don’t worry about Katie. Word has it that she’s a shoo-in for the new voice of the Aflac duck.
News has it that Britney Spears is banning cookie dough ice cream and alcohol from her new tour or as Britney told her kids, "Breakfast is canceled, y’all!"
The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obozo heard the news, he was speechless.
This Date In History: 1429; Joan of Arc entered the city of Orléans. She would end its months-long siege and would become known as the "Maid of Orléans." 1916; The Easter rebellion in Ireland ended with the surrender of Irish nationalists. 1945; American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp.
1978; Japan's Naomi Uemura, traveling by sled dog, became the first person to reach the North Pole alone. 1980; Film director Alfred Hitchcock died at age of 80. 1986; Pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league baseball record by striking out 20 batters in a regular nine-inning game. He repeated his feat in 1996.
1992; A Los Angeles jury acquitted four police officers accused of beating Rodney King. Massive rioting and looting ensued. 1997; The first joint U.S.-Russian space walk was made by Jerry Linenger and Vasily Tsibliyev from space station Mir.
Picture Of The Day: Okay, my grandfather really didn't advise me to marry a woman with small hands, but the white-haired gentleman in the suspenders with the chihuahua is indeed my Grandfather, La Curtis Sullivan. All of the pictures were taken while visiting my family in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. For reference, I'm the kid in the vertical striped shirt. The pictures were taken in 1958.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A stockbroker friend urged me to buy a stock that has almost tripled its value. Right! At my age I don't even buy green bananas. 2) I wish I knew a way to preserve the wilderness in the country and get rid of the jungle in the cities. 3) After my last argument with my ex-wife she told me, "I hope your next wife appreciates the improvements I've made in you." 4) A young hooker uses Vaseline to get it in and an old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in. 5) I can just about remembers every detail of my life story. The problem is that I can't remember how many times I've told the same person.....and that's five!
Today's Birthday Horoscope: The long and winding road will not necessarily lead you to Paul McCartney. However, nobody can stop you as you make that important break through this week. Any rumors you may have heard about a certain special someone may come true this week. Shallow puddles may deceive you today. Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend, or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible.
Birthdays: William Randolph Hearst, American journalist and publisher, born in San Francisco 1863, Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor 1879, Duke Ellington musician 1899, Hirohito, Japanese emperor 1901, Zubin Mehta, conductor 1936, Dale Earnhardt, auto racer 1951, Jerry Seinfeld, comedian 1955, Michelle Pfeiffer, actress 1958, Daniel Day-Lewis, actor 1958.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old men were chatting in the park as they fed the pigeons. One said to the other, "My 70th birthday was yesterday and my wife gave me an SUV." The other guy responded, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" The first guy said, "Yep, it was a great gift......Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
An old Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and said, "Son I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." His granson said, "But grandpa, I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "
The old Don said, "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da business, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say 'Time's up?'"
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. He asks, "Mother, why is my elder brother named Big Bear?" His mother replied, "Your father and I were lying beside a beautiful stream and the handsome bear came to drink water. On that same night, your brother was conceived and we called him Big Bear.
The boy then asked "And why is my sister named Little Fawn?" His mother answered, "Your father and I were in the forest when we made her. There was a doe with a newborn baby deer. The baby fawn was the first thing we saw that evening and that is the name we gave your sister." The mother paused and then said to her son, "But tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why are you so curious?"
A handsome salesman walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She asked if she could help him.
The salesman said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The salesman then agreed and said, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is give 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses."
That's it for today, my little sippy cups. Remember, a young person may know the rules but an older person knows the exceptions. I'm taking that thought to happy hour in AREA 51. Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
One of my current gripes with the news broadcasts is that the first thing they deem important is the conflict in Lybia. Personally, I could care less about anything that happens in the middle east unless it's news about our troops getting the hell out of there or that we took control of their oil fields and are pumping out as many barrels of oil that it takes to lower the price of gasoline.
The first thing I'd like to hear on the news is that congress has come together and agreed to a sensible plan to take control of government spending and reduce the national debt. In an ideal world, I'd also like to hear that Barack Obozo actually did at least one thing that he promised to do in his shuck and jive routine while campaigning for the presidency.
And for some inane reason, most news broadcasts have a segment in their final five minutes that they seem to feel is amusing or folksy. Most times they are wrong. Nevertheless, they continue to do this daily and it seems to me they should warn anyone with an IQ over 80 that now would be a good time to go to the bathroom and exercise any bodily functions deemed necessary. But, that's just me.....
On a sad note, former Miami Dolphins tight end and popular South Florida sportscaster Jim Mandich died Tuesday night after a long battle with cancer.
Mandich, 62, was drafted by the Dolphins in 1970 out of the University of Michigan. He was an All-American for the Wolverines and played eight seasons with the Dolphins. He was a member of the College Football Hall of Fame and announced Dolphins games from 1992-2004 and from 2008-2009. Rest in peace, Jim!
The News As I See It: A lot of people are worried about the safety of America’s nuclear power plants. It’s important to remember that we’ve never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though.
Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It was nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress. It was an opportunity for kids from all over the country to come to the White House and look for the president’s birth certificate.
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they’re not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn’t paying attention.
Donald Trump says he’s President Obozo’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obozo’s worst nightmare.
Queen Elizabeth recently turned 85. There was an awkward moment when she closed her eyes to make a wish and Prince Charles asked, "Is she dead?"
President Obozo is in Los Angeles raising money for his one billion dollar campaign fund and meeting with Dr. 90210 about an ear tuck.
Facebook just launched the "send" button, which lets you share Web articles with particular groups of friends. That’s good, because when I log onto Facebook, my first thought is, "There just aren't enough people sending me things."
This Date In History: 1521; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines. 1805; The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli. 1865; The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.
1956; Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion. 1961; Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain. 1983; Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record - one that had held since 1927. 1987; Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II.
Picture Of The Day: Unfortunately, the last thing I add to each post is the pictures. Under most conditions, the pictures are relevant to the post. As you will find out later in this particular read, circumstances affected my choice of pictures. I did, however, get exclusive rights to the original copy of the recent birth certificate as released by the annointed one. In my happy hour opinion and after examining the document in detail, I belive that the prez was indeed born in Hawaii.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and then women stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. 2) Americans and Britons have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift". They say "President", we say "Money wasting narcissist". 3) Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
4) I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm going put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm going to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. 5) They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it's true love. After marriage, however, it is usually in self-defense.....and that's five!
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - April 27th: Things are going to come to a head today and either go well or go badly. Artifacts that appear on your eyeballs are an after-effect of going out on the town for 4 nights running. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants.
You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on ebay, for sale at low, low prices. Your favorite romantic film is on this evening and you should try and persuade someone you've not previously had the courage to talk to to watch it too. Then, mid-way through the movie, phone that person. You'll be amazed at the results.
Birthdays: My daughter, Jeannette - Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, My pals Bobby and Cary - Happy Birthday 19XX, Oliver Cromwell, statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900,
Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, American jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino. actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
The lawyer turned around and asked, "Excuse me, but why are you touching my back?" The man replied, "Sorry, I'm a chiropractor and sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." The attorney said, "Get control of yourself, man. I'm an attorney and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the damned money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damned money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Woody for his contribution to today's stories.
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the hell are you doing, Billy Bob?" Billy Bob, obviously embarrassed, says, "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the shit out of me, but me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Bubba is at a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. The speaker said, "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. The speaker continued, "Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up.
There's a slight murmur in the crowd and the speaker said, "That's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?" Only Bubba's hand stays up. The speaker blinks and says, "Wow! Sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" Bubba suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry....I thought you said goat!"
Authors Note: Today's post is a bit tardy as I opted for an early happy hour in AREA 51 with my pal Emilio. Spelling and/or grammatical errors should be overlooked.
That's it for today, my little swizzle sticks. Remember, insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. Happy Hour in AREA 51 beckons. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wally is a sensitive man as well as an animal lover. He pulled over and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was the Easter Bunny and he was dead. Wally felt so so badly that he began to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman was driving down the road saw Wally crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She got out of the car and asked Wally what was wrong. Wally said, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and killed him." The blonde said, "Don't worry, Wally."
She ran to her car and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bent down, and sprayed the contents on him. The Easter Bunny jumped up, waved a paw at them and hopped off down the road. Ten feet away he stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned and waved again, repeating this behaviour until he hopped out of sight.
Wally was astonished. He walked over to the woman and asked, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The blonde turned the can around so that Wally could read the label. It said, "Hare Spray. Restores life to dead hare and adds a permanent wave."
And so my friends, if your Easter Sunday was a happy event and everyone enjoyed their Easter eggs and candy, you can thank my pal Wally. Personally, I would have grabbed that can and sprayed a little inside my pants. Hell, it restores life and I can live with the permanent wave.....
The News As I See It: Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Oh yeah, because when the other candidates aren’t generating enough excitement, it’s time to bring out Gary Johnson. His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson. That’s where it will get interesting.
Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.
Michelle Obozo said the most popular Obozo is their Portuguese Water Dog, Bo-zo. When Donald Trump heard this, he said he wants to see that dog’s papers.
Donald Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.
This Date In History: 1901; New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. 1915; British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli. 1928; The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank. 1945; Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.
1953; The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. 1990; Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua.
1992; Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed. 2003; The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.
Picture Of The Day: The upcoming royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be shown live on ABC April 29th at 4:00 a.m. I've never really liked weddings per se although I would enloy watching the conception.
In any case their are only three reasons I would be up at 4 am. The first reason is obligatory and is provoked by the need to go to the bathroom. The second reason is more of a fantasy and would be to go fishing. The third and usual reason is that's just about the time I get home on some nights.
Meanwhile, back at the palace, Prince Charles continues to age as his mother refuses to give up the throne. Reminds me of my childhood when we only had one bathroom and my father was the king.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bachelor is like a modern cleanser: Works fast and leaves no ring. 2) Jimmy's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes. 3) Definition of Innocence: Nun working in condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice. 4) Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth! 5) Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.....and that's five!
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - April 25th: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. This year looks like it's going to be a great one. Full of vigorous situations, sweaty encounters and trysts in mysterious places. Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might be awkwardly caught out when even the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.
Birthdays: My pal Lisa - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Oliver Cromwell statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed, "Not this time."
A old man stepped out of his showers and said to his wife, "It's just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?" His wife replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories (and for gallantly saving the Easter Bunny).
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" The man says, "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied, "God, what is a kiss?" God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said, "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"
God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush. A little while later, he came out and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her." Adam said "Lord, what is make love?"
God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"
That's it for today, my little daffy dills. Remember, Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Friday, April 22, 2011
I thought, "Oh well, I guess I have to go buy another mouse tomorrow at Best Buy or Office Depot. Let me check the prices there......" Click..... "Oh yeah, the mouse is broken. No problem, I'm sure both stores have mice."
I said to myself, "I wonder what a mouse costs? It can't be that much. Let me check Best Buy......" Click.... "The mouse is broken dummy! Okay, let me get a cup of coffee and think this out."
I went to the kitchen, poured a cup of coffee and returned to the computer desk to plan my trip to buy the mouse. I thought, "I'd better check my finances to make sure I've got money in the bank. I'll check my bank balance." Click....
I was beginning to get that same stupid feeling one gets when the electricity goes off in the house. You find a flashlight, light some candles and every room you walk into, flashlight in hand, you reach over and flip the light switch. Hello....! The lights are out ! Duh, hello....! Your mouse is broken....!
I finally realized that I could check prices at the stores by using my Blackberry. Now if I can just get the font large enough so that I can read it.....
The News As I See It: Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty and tough talk. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.
The governor of Hawaii said he first met President Obozo just days after he was born. He knew it was Obozo because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for "change."
The cast of "JerseyShore" must behave themselves while filming in Italy. So instead of getting blackout drunk and going home to make a sandwich, they’ll be getting blackout drunk and going home to make a Panini.
President Obozo Is in Los Angeles for a fundraiser and huge traffic delays are expected all over Los Angeles. Tomorrow, Obozo will be on the East Coast...and huge traffic delays are expected in Los Angeles.
Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since President Clinton.
This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal. 1509; Henry VIII became king of England. 1616; The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid (Some sources say April 23). 1864; Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency.
1889; The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers. 1970; The first Earth Day was observed. 1994; Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81. 2000; Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.
Picture Of The Day: I thought post some Easter pictures today and I especially like the one below. Happy Easter!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope I'm the last guy on earth - I wanna see if all those women were lying to me. 2) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 3) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a Bitch. 4) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 5) If it's true that God is always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.....and that's five!
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - April 22nd: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play with your mind though and take you to a pet store. Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote so you might as well quit, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on Ebay. There's a great sale on shoes, though.
Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León 1451, Henry Fielding, author 1707, Immanuel Kant, philosopher 1724, Vladimir Lenin, Russian revolutionary 1870, Vladimir Nabokov, author 1899, J. Robert Oppenheimer, nuclear physicist 1904, Charles Mingus, jazz musician 1922, Jack Nicholson, actor 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years and had many old memories to renew. After some time, the ship mate said to the old sailor, "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good. You must have experienced some bad luck. How did you lose your leg." The old sailor said, "Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become tangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee. Now I have this wooden leg."
His friend agreed that was bad luck. He asked, "So, what's with the hook? How did you lose your hand?" The old sailor said, "I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
The ship mate said, "Man, you really did experience bad luck. I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?" The old sailor said, "Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye." The ship mate said, "Wow and that took your eye out? The old sailor said, "No, that was my first day with the hook."
A woman was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin. Out came a card that said. "You weigh 135 pounds and in 30 seconds you will pass gas." Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind.
Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read, "You still weigh 135 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be kissed and fondled by a man." Again, after 30 seconds, an old boyfriend happened to pass by. When he stopped to say hello, he kissed and gently fondled her.
Afterward, red faced and fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She went back to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "You still weigh 135 pounds and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Wally and Emilio for their contributions to today's stories.
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a old heavyset woman moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the woman walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."
Some women were gathered and the subject of conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."
The others ask, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" The third woman says, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."
That's it for today, my little peeps. Remember, it's been said that four out of five people suffer from diarrhea. I'm thinking I don't really want to meet that one that enjoys it. Methinks it's a good Friday for happy hour in AREA 51. Have a Happy Easter and a great weekend. More on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I've never like being cornered and there were occasions that my girlfriend at the time would stare off into the distance and her next words were "Have you ever thought about getting married and having children?" The first time this question came up in my life, I really had no good answer. My mouth said, "Yes" and my mind said, "Are you crazy?"
From what I could ascertain, at that time of my life, getting married was very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other guy has, you wish you had ordered that. As for kids, my thoughts were that having children was like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Nevertheless, there were several times that I came close to getting married at a young age and I occasionally think about those times. Hell, a friend of mine almost married a woman with a wooden leg....but he broke it off. I do admire people who married young, had children and were able to stay married all their lives. I've thought about that, but I'm happy with how everything turned out in my life. But, that's just me.....
The News As I See It: The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses.
President Obozo released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion.
Donald Trump said that if President Obozo releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obozo said he won’t run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head.
Gary Busey said he would vote for Donald Trump. Now Trump just needs to get the endorsements of Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.
Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Mexican.
Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. Hey! Don't be talkin' about my pal, Willie Nelson!
President Obozo will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obozo will be on Facebook when he should be working.
Elton John announced that he will be doing three years of shows at Caesars Palace. In case you don’t know it, it’s a gaudy old landmark that’s past its best.....and Caesars Palace is a casino.
This Date In History: 1769; Ottawa Indian chief Pontiac murdered. 1841; The first detective story, Edgar Allen Poe's Murders in the Rue Morgue was published. 1902; Marie and Pierre Curie isolated radium. 1912; The Boston Red Sox played their first game at Fenway Park. They beat the N.Y. Highlanders (who in 1913 would become known as the Yankees) 7-6.
1912; Bram Stoker, author of Dracula, died. 1971; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the practice of busing for racial desegregation. 1999; Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold went on a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo. 14 students (including the shooters) and 1 teacher were killed; 23 others were wounded.h
Picture Of The Day: Although i enjoy thinking about past loves, I remain a lone wolf at heart. I have, however, added some other pictures that remind me of young love, including three of my past girlfriends. You'll know 'em when you see 'em.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The illegal immigrant problem continues and although many just merely sneak across the border, some have been here on visas for as long as 15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster. You're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. 2) Just think, all the problems we face in America today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
3) I think that if you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles. 4) My friend bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. He turned it on and went to sleep. While playing, the record got stuck and the next day he could speak Spanish, but with a stutter. 5) Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why and it told me it was none of my business.....and that's five!
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Day time television can motivate you to rethink the monotony of your life. If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings you are likely to fall flat on your ass. A week of rest may be all you need for your broken leg to recover. Doctors may be stunned by a random discovery they make while examining you. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, by the time you get to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.
Birthdays: Daniel Chester French, sculptor 1850, Joan Miró, artist 1893, Lionel Hampton, vibraphonist and bandleader 1908, Tito Puente, musician, jazz percussionist 1923, Jessica Lange, actress 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A redhead, brunette, and blonde are all in the hospital waiting to give birth. The redhead turns to the brunette and says, "I was on top so I'm going to have a girl" The brunette looks at the redhead and says, "Well, I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a boy." All of a sudden they both hear sniffling, turn to look at the blonde and she is crying. They say, "What's the matter, honey?" The blonde says with a sad face, "I'm gonna have a puppy....."
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted, "Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "Earthquake!". Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
They brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted "Ready ... Aim ...!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "Tornado!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted, "Ready ... Aim ... !! and the blonde yelled, "Fire!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ben and Maude had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them.
One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Maude said, "Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts." Ben said, "That's a good idea, Dear."
Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen. Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Maude looked at it and said, "Oh Ben, you forgot the breakfast toast."
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an old and an old lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The man picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were hump or drown."
That's it for today, my little buttercups. Today's post is brought to you by Oil of Oláy, the favorite oil of Spanish bull fighters. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. It's Hump Day and happy hour in AREA 51 sounds inviting. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !