Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I Hate Asparagus (And Liver) !

I used to hate vegetables, but over time, my pallet has changed and I can eat most any of them......except asparagus! I now enjoy most vegetables, but I'd rather eat newspaper before asparagus. The only thing that could make it less appealing would be to serve it with liver. I hate liver too ! And I'm not alone....

There's a Facebook page called "I Hate Asparagus." There must be some merit to my disgust for asparagus when someone actually makes a Facebook page to express their disdain.

As a child, I realized early on that my parents were plotting to poison me by serving liver and asparagus at dinner. As most of the kids of my day knew well, you had to "clean your plate" (eat everything) before you were excused from the table. The only way I avoided certain death was that I trained my dog, Beannie, to catch food in mid-air.

The trick was that when my parents weren't looking, I'd throw Beannie a piece of liver which he would gulp down, Then, I would throw him a piece of asparagus which he would gulp down before he realized it was asparagus.

Beannie, of course, figured out that he had been tricked and immediately began to lick his ass to get the asparagus taste out of his mouth. I had to coax Beannie to eat the next piece of liver by letting him smell it and once he was satisfied, I'd throw him the liver and he'd gulp it down. Naturally, the next morsel I tossed him was another piece of asparagus and so the the evening meal went.

Well, nowadays I like my vegetables more than ever. Of course, they go a lot better disguised with ground beef and cheddar cheese.....

The News As I See It: Federal fugitive Whitey Bulger’s brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low and the other one was a mobster.

Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama’s Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich’s face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous. Blago was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse.

Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black ghettos and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied, "You first."

Justin Bieber and Obama were both in New York recently. The traffic gridlock was terrible. I can just imagine seeing all the people trying to get a glimpse of the most popular man in the world just down the street from Obama.

Sarah Palin recently tweeted that her daughter Bristol's new memoir is quote "shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect.'" Of course, she said the same thing about the movie "Cars 2."

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts.

1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: There's just something about broccoli that always made me think of a small tree and, lo and behold, some one photoshopped the thought. Pretty neat!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A truly perfect marriage would be one between a blind woman and a deaf man. 2) Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. 3) Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. 4) Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 5) When I was married, every time I tried to make my marriage more exciting, my wife found out about it.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: You will be complimented many times today by the opposite sex. Don't be mislead. You can marry more money in ten minutes than you can earn in a lifetime. Your love life will change a bit this week. Love is like a fire. You never know if it will warm your heart or burn down your house. Personally, I'd keep a fire extinguisher nearby.

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, cowboy and actor 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend." The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house.

So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!" Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop who says, "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." The lady says, "Oh thank you, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." The cop continued, "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am, I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Her husband asks, "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" His wife says, "He said the reflector is broken." Her husband says, "No problem, I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" His wife replies, "I'm not sure, Jacob, something about the emergency brake....."

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied, "No, divorce attorney."

That's it for today my little puddin' heads. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. Happy Hour in AREA 51 beckons. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, June 27, 2011

Lessons In Life From Mom And Dad

In all of life's lesson, probably the most important ones came from my parents. Mom taught me about religion saying, "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." Dad taught me about time travel. He said, "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" They both taught me about logic, "Because I said so, that's why."

One of the more important things Mom taught me was foresight. She always said, "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident. I learned about the "Circle of Life" when Mom said, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

Dad showed me the truth in Irony when he said, "Keep on crying and I'll give you something to cry about." Mom's lesson about giving and receiving was swiftly learned. Mom said, "You're Dad's going to give it to you when he gets home!" My mother taught me about medical science. She said, "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

My parents taught me about wisdom saying,"When you get to be our age, you'll understand." And lastly, mother taught me about justice. She said, "One day you'll have kids, and hopefully, they'll turn out just like you!" I think there was a bit of sarcasm in her justice lesson.....

Peter Falk, one of the most famous and beloved fictional detectives in television history, passed away at his Beverly Hills home on Thursday, June 23rd. Mr. Falk had a wide-ranging career in comedy and drama, in the movies and onstage, before and during the three and a half decades in which he portrayed the unkempt but canny lead on "Columbo."

He was nominated for two Oscars; appeared in original stage productions of works by Paddy Chayefsky, Neil Simon and Arthur Miller; worked with the directors Frank Capra, John Cassavetes, Blake Edwards and Mike Nichols; and co-starred with the likes of Frank Sinatra, Bette Davis and Jason Robards. long time star of the television series, "Columbo". Peter Falk was 83.

The News As I See It: According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time.

Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He has kind of backtracked. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking.

Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obozo? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days? That a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his? That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boner.

Sarah Palin had tp cancel the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.

President Obozo gave his speech about withdrawing troops from Afghanistan. It's a new phase in the military campaign called "Operation Reelection." You go boy!

This Date In History: 1844; Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints founder Joseph Smith was murdered by a mob in Carthage, Ill. 1898; Joshua Slocum became the first person to successfully circumnavigate the earth alone when he landed his sloop Spray in Newport, R.I., a 46,000-mile trip. 1922; The Newbery Medal for children’s literature was first awarded.

1950; President Harry S. Truman ordered the Air Force and Navy into the Korean War. 1954; The world's first atomic power station opened at Obninsk, near Moscow. 1969; Police and gays clashed at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, fostering the gay rights movement.

1985; The legendary Route 66, running from Chicago to Santa Monica, Calif., was decertified, the victim of the Interstate Highway System. 2003; The national do-not-call registry, formed to combat unwanted telemarketing calls and administered by the Federal Trade Commission, enrolled almost three-quarters of a million phone numbers on its first day.

Picture Of The Day: Eclectic....a word I've heard may times to describe me. That's ok, Peter Falk was eclectic as well. Today's pictures just blend right in.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My ex-wife told me, "I hope your next wife appreciates the improvements I've made in you." 2) When my friend was six, he was left an orphan. What the hell is a six year old supposed to do with an orphan? 3) A bachelor is the only man who has never told his wife a lie. 4) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 5) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 27th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell, statesman 1846, Frank Rattray Lillie, zoologist and educator 1870, Helen Keller, American author and lecturer, blind and deaf from the age of two 1880, Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo 1927, H. Ross Perot, business executive 1930, Vera Wang, fashion designer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice said, "I am your guardian angel." The old man replied, "Oh yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Arizona asked whether people who live in Arizona think the illegal alien situation is a serious problem. 30% of respondents answered, "Yes, it is a serious problem." 70% of respondents answered, "No es una problema serio."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Gary for his contribution to today's stories.

An Asian man arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says, "I'm not American, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by and says, "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I am not American, I am from Nigeria.

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Pakistan, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It read, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him. The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him. Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

That's it for today my little black eyed peas. Remember, as you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Fun Thing About Going Downhill Fast Is The Exhilaration !

Once past age 40, I began to notice how people reacted to growing older, including myself. The first time I really noticed was the day one of my friends complimented me on my new alligator shoes and I was barefoot. The little idiosyncrasies of life became more and more noticeable. It was little things at first.

I began not to care where my spouse went, just as long as I didn't have to go along. I noticed little things like being cautioned to slow down by my doctor instead of the police. The term "getting lucky" also meant finding my car in the parking lot. An "all nighter" began to mean not having to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

It wasn't just me, either. One of my buddies saw a young babe who captured his fancy and his pacemaker opened his garage door. To him, "getting a little action" meant he didn't need to take any fiber that day.

I finally realized that any man could have the mind and body of a 30-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. A younger man may know the rules but the older man knows the exceptions.

Yep, you know you're getting older when you can remember every detail of your life story, but cannot remember how many times you have told the same person. The trick is to make sure you write it down. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: It has been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion.

This week in New York there was an embarrassing moment when a visiting Congressional group saw the "Naked Cowboy" and remarked, "Please tell us you're not a Democratic Congressman."

President Obozo has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers.

The Prez announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, "We can’t stay there indefinitely." Meanwhile, our troops in Korea are going, "Hello, we’ve been here for 60 years!"

Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has returned the couple’s dog to Hefner. Sources say he is a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but he’s very glad to get his dog back.

Cindy Lauper just turned just 58 years old. You can tell she’s getting up there in age. Her newest song is called "Girls Just Wanna Have a Quiet Evening at the Nursing Home."

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world. We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing no matter where you go.

This Date In History: 1509; Henry VIII was crowned king of England. 1647; Early American feminist Margaret Brent demanded a seat and vote in the Maryland Assembly, but was ejected from that body. 1675; King Philip's War, the most devastating war between the colonists and Indians, began with Indians attacking the Swansea (Mass.) settlement.

1908; The 22nd and 24th president of the United States, Grover Cleveland, died in Princeton, N.J. 1947; Kenneth Arnold, an American pilot, reported seeing strange objects near Mt. Rainier, Washington. He described them as "saucers skipping across the water," hence the term "flying saucers" was born.

1948; The Soviet Union began a blockade of Berlin. Allied forces responded with what would be known as the Berlin Airlift flying in more than 2 million tons of supplies over the next year. 1997; The U.S. Air Force released The Roswell Report, closing the case on the 1947 Roswell, N.M. incident concerning UFOs and alien bodies.

Picture Of The Day: Even cowgirls get the blues now and then. Today's pictures are simply entitled "Blues."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 2) It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. At 85 years old, this enables you to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

3) My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already. 4) I joined a health club last year, spent 400 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 5) My girlfriend had to give up jogging for her health. Her thighs kept rubbing together and setting her pantyhose on fire....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 24th: Today is an umbrella day but don't take that old one you've had for five years. Blow the dust off of your wallet and buy one at the grocery store, you tightwad. Hey, were talking ten dollars here! On the bright side, if it does rain tonight (and it will), you'll save the money you were going to spend at happy hour in AREA 51. There's a fifty-fifty chance that you'll get lucky tonight.

Birthdays: My pal Phil - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Sir John Ross, arctic explorer 1777, Henry Ward Beecher, clergyman 1813, Ambrose Bierce, satirist 1842, Jack Dempset, world champion heavyweight boxer 1895, John Ciardi, poet 1916, Anita Desai, writer 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a nightclub.

He goes to the club and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, "Sir, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

The next morning he goes out to the beach again with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded by beautiful women. That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help.

The wise old man responds with another fine tip, "Next time son, put the socks in the front of your trunks."

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. She explained, "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old man in the back answered, "They send us on bus tours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.

An old man left a local bar to go home. On his way, he stopped at the drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many do you want?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old man said, "Hey, I'm ninety years old. I just want it to stick out far enough that I don't pee on my shoes."

That's it for today my little whipper snappers. Remember, all great lovers have bad memories. Also, all great lovers have bad memories. T.G.I.F. - I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some Karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

You Want Me To What?

If walking and cycling is good for your health, my postman will be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish and is fat. A rabbit runs and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run and barely walks, yet lives for 450 years and you want me to exercise?

Okay, I'm not saying it's not good to walk every day and a little exercise never hurt anyone, but things like running and the daily gym are out of the question. As it is, each morning I get up, it takes me an hour and a cup of coffee just to clear my head and get my heart started.

My pal, Wally, sent me this wealth of information, yet every time I see a picture of him, he's building something or repairing tools....always on the move, doing something. I have to admire his "get up and go", but my "get up and go", "got up and went" years ago.

I do occasionally make my way to AREA 51 to lift a scothch and dance a bit, but I make sure that it's not a long, fast song. I made that mistake a few years ago when Johnnie Walker Black goaded me into inviting a strikingly beautiful young lass to dance a meringue, a fast paced Latin dance.

Johnnie Walker Black and Mr. Testosterone urged me to "tear it up" while my racing heart kept telling both of them that it wanted to sit down. I finished the dance in style but I checked my cell phone to see if I still had 911 on speed dial. I think I'm going to stick with the tortoises in the future.....

The News As I See It: Tonight, President Obozo will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago, Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. Hey, now that’s progress!

Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: "Now hiring!" Sixteen of Gingrich’s top staff quit last week, and yesterday, two of his top fundraisers quit. He’s not even president and he’s already raising the unemployment rate.

President Obozo and House Speaker John Bawler played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap was Joe O'Biden. The team of Obozo and Bawler beat the team of Vice President Joe O'Biden and Ohio Governor John Katshit. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.

A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. Maybe they can build a big wall.....

NBC has apologized for editing out the words "under God" from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They’re also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with "Hail Satan."

The Florida Marlins just named 80-year-old Jack McKeon their new manager. It wasn’t a great start. Tonight, he had to make four trips to the mound and 12 trips to the bathroom.

Congressman Anthony Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874 Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1943; W.E.B. DuBois became the first black member of the National Institute of Letters.

1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights. 1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died.

Picture Of The Day: I never really worry too much about mortality but, evidently, there is a way to make sure your children come to visit your grave. Oh, and then there's the "Full Metal Jacket" Pic.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A man realizes he getting older when the term "skid marks" has nothing to do with tires. 2) An invisible ugly man married an invisible ugly woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 3) As the Jolly Green Giant says, there's nothing like a good pea. 4) Never marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them. 5) Take a lesson from President Obozo. Remember, even on the most exalted throne, you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 22: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp, stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when three thugs arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone." God says, "Who, the thugs?" Saint Peter says, "No, the Pearly Gates."

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A couple of movie critics were discussing old movies and wondered whatever happened to Tarzan. So they decided to look for him and ask him a few questions. Finally, they located him, and one of the critics asked "Tarzan how come we haven't seen you in a movie in a long time?" Tarzan said, "Well, I've had a bad case of arthritis and I can't swim any more or jump from branch to branch."

The critic asked, "What about Jane, Tarzan?" Tarzan said, "Jane is in really bad shape. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am anymore." The second critic said, "What a shame. What can you tell us about your son Boy?" Tarzan said, "Well, we don't see much of Boy lately. He stopped going to school and he only comes around to see us when he needs money or a favor."

The first critic said, "That's sad, Tarzan. What about Cheetah? Have you heard anything about her?" Tarzan replied, "Oh Cheetah. She's really doing well. She married a lawyer and is now living at the White House."

A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months. They've been to the movies and return to her home where she lives with her father. They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the living room, while the old man watches TV in the back room. The girl is the apple of his eye so naturally, he's worried about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching TV and walks to the living room.

The father says, "Hi baby doll, could you make me a cup of tea?" His daughter says, "Of course,Dad," and trots off into the kitchen to make the coffee. Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word. He says, "Look son, I remember when I was your age, going out with girls and trying my luck. The thing is, I'm worried about our Sue."

The lad says, "Why, what's wrong with her?" Her father cagily replies, "Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina." The lad says, "Oh, I know. She's got a great pair of tits too!"

That's it for today my little goat herders. Remember, a diplomat is a person who thinks twice before he says nothing. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, June 20, 2011

A Two Word Message To NBC: UNDER GOD !

In theory, the media is supposed to be unbiased and neutral. That is unless the entity is liberal NBC who seems to have decided to author its own version of the Pledge of Allegiance. On Sunday, NBC decided to cut the words "under God" from the reading of the Pledge of Allegiance that accompanied the beginning of its coverage of the U.S. Open Golf Championship. In fact, this happened twice during the show's introduction.

Baptist Minister Francis Bellamy wrote the Pledge of Allegiance in 1892. The words, "Under God" was added in the 1950's. The current accepted form of the Pledge of Allegiance contains the words "Under God."

NBC apologized during the coverage after the network was bombarded with phone calls, threats of boycott, emails, texts and tweets. Responding quickly to the barrage of negative reaction, commentator Dan Hicks issued the following apology on the air:

"We began our coverage of this final round just about three hours ago and when we did it was our intent to begin the coverage of this U.S. Open Championship with a feature that captured the patriotism of our national championship being held in our nation’s capital for the third time. Regrettably, a portion of the Pledge of Allegiance that was in that feature was edited out. It was not done to upset anyone and we’d like to apologize to those of you who were offended by it."

A more lame excuse is unimaginable! The reason NBC quickly apologized is because of huge adverse reaction to the omission of "Under God."

Whether you agree or disagree with the Pledge of Allegiance is immaterial. The media and especially NBC have a obligation to be neutral and unbiased, a fact that seems to confuse NBC.

Watch the news for the newest thug crimes. They use Twitter to tweet a location and time. Then, they form "en masse" outside the store and groups of thirty to forty people go inside, grab what they can and run out the door. This has been happening in Washington, D.C., Detroit and L.A. Where's "Podium Al" Sharpton when you need him? This could easily be stopped with a machine gun!

The News As I See It: Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that al-Qaida’s new leader will be hunted down and killed just like bin Laden. They think he may be in Pakistan. They know that because Pakistan says they have no idea where he is.

Photos of Congressman Anthony Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman.

Companies are bringing back jobs to the U.S. that have been outsourced to India for years. So the next time you call tech support, you might actually get someone who speaks perfect English — and knows nothing about computers.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced. Apparently, he just needed some space.

A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-Eleven. People at the store were like, "Oh my God, this is gross." And then they were like, "Hey look, there's a woman having a baby."

A company in Virginia has a new DNA test than can predict your child’s athletic skills. Here’s the test: If you’re a child and you know what DNA is, you’re not an athlete.

This Date In History: 1756; British soldiers were thrown into the cell known as the "Black Hole of Calcutta." 1782; The Great Seal of the United States was adopted. 1819; The 320-ton Savannah became the first steamship to cross the Atlantic. 1837; Queen Victoria ascended the British throne.

1863; West Virginia became the 35th state in the United States. 1893; Lizzie Borden, accused of murdering her parents, was found innocent by a jury in New Bedford, Massachusetts. 1967; Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pics are rather self explanatory.....that is, to everyone except NBC...

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the
new symbol of the American Presidency. It’s half black, half white, and everything it does stinks! 2) I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up too fast. 3) People who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones who dropped it. 4) Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 5) It ain't the jeans that make your ass look fat.....
and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 20th: That special item you bought at the garage sale makes a big change in your life when you're charged with having passed a counterfeit twenty dollar bill in order to buy it. This may be a good week to wear a disguise, but don't do that cross dressing thing again....ever!

Birthdays: My pal Myra - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Jacques Offenbach, composer 1819, Lloyd Augustus Hall, chemist 1894, Lillian Hellman, American dramatist 1905, Audie Murphy, actor 1924, Olympia Dukakis, actress 1931, José Alexandre “Xanana” Gusmão, revolutionary leader 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Frances, Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan . This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. Her friend says, "Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?" The blonde says, Crap! I didn't realize it was a religious tee-shirt. I thought it meant, "Tits Go In Front'."

That's it for today my pigeon toes. Remember, don't complain! Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !