Friday, September 30, 2011

Bring Back Charlie !

After two episodes of the new "Two and A Half Men", I've come to the conclusion that the show may be in trouble. The regular and very talented ensemble cast are still doing a great job, but Ashton Kutcher just isn't going to get it done.

Kutcher's contract with CBS is only for a year and recently, Charlie Sheen and CBS management seemed to be warming to each other. The show has been a gold mine for CBS since it premiered in 2003 and is already in syndication. CBS can surely see the handwriting on the wall and should start making preparations to bring Charlie back from the dead.

Senior Al Qaeda leader Anwar al-Awlaki and another America-born militant were killed in Yemen early Friday morning by a CIA-led U.S. drone strike, marking the highest-profile takedown of terror leaders since the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound.

Two Predator drones hovering above al-Awlaki's convoy fired the Hellfire missiles which killed the terror leader. According to a senior U.S. official, the operation was carried out by Joint Special Operations Command, under the direction of the CIA. A total of four people were killed in the attack. Life's a bitch! Great shot, boys!

Today's History Lesson: In 1850, One hundred and sixty years. California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed.

The News As I See It: Obama said if you donate $5 to his re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. Now, they’ve dropped the price from $5 to $3. It’s the first presidential groupon. I'm thinking that Obama's taking whoever wins to Church's Fried Chicken.

If nothing else, "Jersey Shore" proves that evolution is still a work in progress.

Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down.

NASA says they may never know where the satellite that crashed this week landed. They’re planning to wait until it shows up on eBay.

Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins. While it was interesting to elect the first mulatto president, it would be sweeter to see Obama kicked out of office by the second black president. Cain kicked Rick Perry's ass in the state of Florida, proving that politics sometimes is like a porn movie. You know, a pizza guy shows up out of nowhere and screws you.

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver’s mind. I already know what I’m going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy’s mind.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently went hunting and killed a bison. It was weird, because the bison’s last words were, "I . . . hate . . . the new Facebook layout!"

This Date In History: 1791; Mozart's opera The Magic Flute premiered in Vienna, Austria. 1927; Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run. The record stood until Roger Maris hit 61 in 1961. Mark McGwire beat Maris's record in 1998 by hitting 70 and Barry Bonds topped this in 2001 with 73.

1938; Britain and France surrendered to Germany's demands concerning the Sudetenland, and signed the Munich Pact. 1946; Twenty-two Nazi leaders were found guilty at the Nuremberg trials.

1949; The Berlin Airlift came to an end. 1955; Actor James Dean was killed in a car crash. 1966; Botswana gained its independence from Great Britain.

Picture Of The Day: Just some cute little animals and an interesting observation at the bottom.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men reach their sexual peak around age 18 while women reach their sexual peak around age 35. Just about the time women reach their sexual peak, men are beginning to realize they have a favorite chair. 2) I used to date a woman who couldn't cook although she protested that she could. Hey, even I know that fabric softener doesn't go into meatloaf. 3) You tell when a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear, and she cant find her pencil! 4) Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 5) Auntie Em - Hate you, hate Kansas, taking Toto - Dorothy.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 30th: "Pride goeth before the fall." This has nothing to do with you, I just like to say that. As for you, I see some partying going on tonight, especially for my pal Anne in Arizona. Hit the wine slowly, you know how you get. No chance of rain and a good chance of romance, especially if you finish the wine. Your choice of shoes may affect the evening.

Birthdays: My pal Anne - Happy Birthday my love! 19XX, Hans Geiger, physicist 1882, David Oistrakh, violinist 1908, Lester Maddox, 75th Governor of Georgia 1915, Truman Capote, novelist 1924, Elie Wiesel American writer, writing in French 1928, Martina Hingis, tennis player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man with tickets to the World Series finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. He says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "Incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series and not use it?"

The old man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

The stranger replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet that, in a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Budweiser. How about you?" The second man replied, "Screw you, Towel Head."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A group of Kentucky third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs horse track to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "pee-pees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." He replied. "No ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today, but I appreciate the help."

An aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues."

The Cardinal continued, "Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."

That's it for today my little furballs. Remember, to be politically correct you cannot call people who steal from stores during crises "looters" anymore. You now have to call them undocumented shoppers. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

When I Was Younger.....

When I was 12, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. She was a drama queen and everything was an emergency. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

The News As I See It: Republicans are having trouble luring New Jersey Governor Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie. Christie vetoed a tax break for "Jersey Shore." The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. They're eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids.

Andy Rooney is stepping down from "60 Minutes." CBS announced that they’ll be replacing him with Ashton Kutcher. Whoever they get to replace Andy will have some big eyebrows to fill.

The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they’re trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they’re in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies. There was no communication for the two years they were captive. There were a couple of emails from Anthony Weiner, but that’s it.

Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico. Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That’s not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s childhood obesity campaign, "No Child Left With a Big Behind."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced "I'm a dinner jacket") gave a speech last week at the U.N. and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix.

Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the U.N. In fact he was so late, he had to sit next to O'Biden at the kids table.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began. 1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal."

1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days. 1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia.

1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. 1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first African-American tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: Please excuse today's pictures. They are a product of a hump day mentality....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, "corn-off-the-cob." 2) At the end of a letter, I like to write, "P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." 3) On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana? 4) Just once I'd like to see the local TV news interview someone at a crime scene who wasn't surprised the crime occurred in a neighborhood like theirs. 5) If you wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean, you may be a Muslim.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 28th: Hump day's a great day of the week for a birthday. You can get semi-blitzed tonight at happy hour as you and your co-workers celebrate and still look forward to a rousing weekend birthday bash. A word of caution.....avoid over medicating because you'll need those drugs to go to work tomorrow. The possibility of romance is 67 percent, then again, I said romance not sex, so don't get your hopes up.

Birthdays: Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter 1573, Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot, actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" The old guy says, "Listen up, damn it, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The teller said, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" The old man says, "There's no damn problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!" The manager said, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

An old man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him. Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention. She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior." The old man said, "Really?, What kind of myths?"

The young woman said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction. People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern men have the best stamina".

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, " I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The old man said. "Tonto....Tonto Lipschitz, but my friends call me Bubba !"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Boudreaux was out in the field talking with his friend Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, it's completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem." Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know exactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux says, "Whats a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

Well, the next day, Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him the biggest boa constricter that they had. He brought the snake to the barn and let him loose right in the middle and just sat there and watched. Thibodeaux watched for a long time and nothing happened. The big snake just curled up in the middle of the barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and the rats just ran all around.

Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on the phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux says, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux says,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best thing to use for a reptile dysfunction."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today my little octopi. Remember. if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 26, 2011


Congratulations to Herman Cain for his overwhelming win in the Florida straw vote. Hopefully, this sends a message to Rick Perry and the other republican candidates as to Florida's position on illegal immigration. It would be very interesting and amusing to see Cain versus Obama in 2012.

For one, it would eliminate a blind 97 percent black vote for either candidate. Secondly, it would pit a succesful business man against a man who has never really had a job. Most of all, it would boil down to who has a better chance to lead America for the next four years. Basketball politics at its best.

The News As I See It: Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or "they will lose an ally." Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists — as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists.

Someones mashed the windows in Obama's L.A. campaign office. Joe O'Biden said it was likely the work of vandals and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new memoir that will focus on his career as a body builder, action star, and politician. It will be available in hardcover, paperback and a book on tape that's impossible to understand. You can find it in that section at Barnes & Noble marked "Trying to Change the Subject."

There was a Republican debate last week in Orlando, Florida. This one was sponsored by Google, which was tricky for Rick Perry because he's a yahoo.

The season premiere of "Glee" was last Tuesday. Viewership dropped this year by 35 percent. Apparently a large number of "Glee" viewers were offended by the episode's controversial male-female kiss.

Michelle Obama will appear on the season premiere of "Extreme Home Makeover" on Sunday. The good news is, she’ll be refurbishing a house for a new family to move into. The bad news is, it’s the White House.

NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station and just like New York taxis, they’re all going to be driven by aliens.

Southwest Airlines said someone painted Arabic symbols on the sides of the airplanes, but they claim it's not a safety concern. Really? Some nut job is close enough to the plane to paint an Arabic symbol on it. Shouldn't that be a Red flag?

This Date In History: 1789; Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's first Secretary of State. 1820; Frontiersman, Daniel Boone, died in Missouri. 1914; The Federal Trade Commission was established. 1950; United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans.

1960; Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate. 1986; William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.

Picture Of The Day: Eclectic is the only word I can use for todays' pictures. They amuse me and I hope you enjoy them, as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I get really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. I wish I had a boomerang. 2) I'm fine with the new version of "Charley's Angels." I think it's perfectly acceptable to recycle old crap on TV. 3) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! 4) I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in the oven, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows? 5) When I go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except the last time, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Libra - September 26th: Don't start the week off on the wrong foot. On the bright side, you survived that weekend party without problems except for that minor incident where you wore the lampshade as a hat. Be frugal this week. The chance of romance is 10 percent and will remain there until the lampshade marks on your forehead go away.

Birthdays: John Chapman, American pioneer, more familiarly known as Johnny Appleseed 1774, Ivan Pavlov, experimental psychologist 1849, T. S. Eliot, poet 1888, Martin Heidegger, philosopher 1889, George Gershwin, composer 1898, Christine Todd Whitman, public official 1946, Olivia Newton-John, singer 1948, Serena Williams, tennis player 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

An man goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

The doctor replied, "Relax, take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Three old friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Art said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Tom commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Murray remained silent and both friends turned and looked at him. Murray smiled and said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Frances for her contribution to today's stories.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of the story."

The pharmacist continued, "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

The pharmacist said, "When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I started waiting on these people and all the time the damned phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels."

He continued, "When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and, honestly sir, all I did was tell her!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. He observed, "You all have obsessions." To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. He turned to the second Mom, Ann, and said, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is with alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Denise, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

A woman called her doctor and said frantically, "Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!" The doctor said, "Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system soon." The woman asked, "How will I be sure?" The doctor said, "Stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

That's it for today my little hypochondriacs. Remember, people think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. They forget the negative side, which is the preening. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Sky Is Falling! The Sky Is Falling!

Tonight or tomorrow, a satellite the size of a bus is expected to fall to earth. A NASA spokesman says that it will hit somewhere between the tip of South America to Northern Canada. Asked to narrow it down, the spokesman said he wasn't a rocket scientist.

Okay, there is only a one-in-3,200 chance that its debris could hit a person, but someone gets hit by lightning at least once a month. Hey, people even win the lottery where the odds are (you'll excuse the word) "astronomical."

I wonder what the odds are against getting hit by lightening, surviving, then checking to learn that you've hit the lottery, subsequently walking outside to tell your wife and getting killed by a runaway satellite the size of a bus?

The Department of Justice recently spent sixteen dollars per muffin at a meeting. In a time where America is screaming about rising costs and the national debt, it seems to me that the price of those muffins wee a bit "over the top." This is exactly why the government is in such deep financial do-do.

At first, I hoped they were at least bran muffins, but in retrospect, I think the memebers of the justice department and other government agencies are so full of shit, that the bran muffins just might do them in.

The News As I See It: "The X Factor" is a new singing competition show with Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. Who says there are no more original ideas in television? Simon Cowell left "American Idol" so he could spend more time at home judging his family. You can always tell Simon Cowell is coming back to TV when there’s a shortage of black T-shirts in the boys department at Sears.

More information is coming out about our other presidential candidates. Did you know that Mitt Romney's real name is Willard? He was born Willard. Thank God he had the good sense to change it to "Mitt."

Obama’s hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run, there are no other jobs out there.

Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress and they’re expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They’ve already taken $535 million.

The military’s policy of "don’t ask, don’t tell" is officially over. Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you’re gay and you don’t want to join the military and they reinstate the draft. Word is that our next war could be a musical.

Forbes has come out with its list of the richest people in America. One of them is the CEO of Starbucks whose secret to success is that he doesn’t buy overpriced coffee at Starbucks.

A new study found that quitting smoking can actually improve your memory. Which explains why President Obama is finally starting to remember those campaign promises he made.

This Date In History: 1779; John Paul Jones declared "I have not yet begun to fight!" aboard the American warship Bonhomme Richard in the battle against the British man-of-war Serapis. 1806; After a three-year journey to the Pacific Northwest, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis. 1846; German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune.

1939; Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, died in London. 1952; Vice presidential candidate Richard Nixon delivered his "Checkers speech" rebutting charges of improper campaign financing. 1973; Former Argentine president Juan Perón returned to power.

Picture Of The Day: Space Debris, what else? Oh yeah, and a corn maze for blondes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. 2) Kittens play with yarn. They bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" 3) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 4) It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. 5) Kids in the back seat cause accidents and accidents in the back seat cause kids.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Libra - September 23rd: There's a satellite the size of a bus that's supposed to hit Earth today or tomorrow. So, if I were you, I'd look left, right and up before crossing the street. Other than that, romance is probably not in the cards tonight but Saturday looks great so dress accordingly. The number 55 will have significance for you this weekend. I wonder why?

Birthdays: Euripides, Greek tragic dramatist 480 or 485 B.C. Augustus, Roman emperor 63 B.C. William Holmes McGuffey, educator 1800, Mary Eliza Church Terrell, activist 1863, Walter Lippmann, essayist and editor 1889, Harriet Hardy, physician 1906, Mickey Rooney, actor 1920, John Coltrane, jazz musician 1926, Ray Charles, musician 1930, Bruce Springsteen, singer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship. It read, "Sir, I'm sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her rear end was an oyster. Inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back, "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man explained, "Well, it was like this. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."

The doctor said, "What happened next?" The man said, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like to buy some more.

The pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any." The blonde says, "But I always get it here." The pharmacist says, "Do you have the container it comes in?" The blonde says, "I'll go get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Two girlfriends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

A blonde, brunette, and a red head were all in a race swimming the breast stroke across the English channel. The brunette came in first and the red head right after. When they were taking the blonde back on a lifeboat she said, "I don't want to be a tattletale, but the other two used their arms."

That's it for today my little rose buds. Remember, it isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Facts? I Don't Need To Use No Stinkin' Facts

On Monday, Obama said, "Middle-class families shouldn’t pay higher taxes than millionaires and billionaires." According to private and government data, the wealthiest people in America pay a lot more taxes than the middle class or the poor. They pay at a higher rate and as a group, they contribute a much larger share of the overall taxes collected by the federal government.

There may be individual millionaires who pay taxes at rates lower than middle-income workers. In 2009, 1,470 households filed tax returns with incomes above $1 million yet paid no federal income tax, according to the Internal Revenue Service. That, however, was less than 1 percent of the nearly 237,000 returns with incomes above $1 million.

This year, households making more than $1 million will pay an average of 29.1 percent of their income in federal taxes, including income taxes and payroll taxes, according to the Tax Policy Center, a Washington think tank. Households making between $50,000 and $75,000 will pay 15 percent of their income in federal taxes.

Lower-income households will pay less. Households making between $40,000 and $50,000 will pay an average of 12.5 percent of their income in federal taxes. Households making between $20,000 and $30,000 will pay 5.7 percent.

The latest IRS data is a few years older – and it’s limited to federal income taxes – but it shows much the same thing. In 2009, taxpayers who made $1 million or more paid on average 24.4 percent of their income in federal income taxes, according to the IRS. Those making $100,000 to $125,000 paid on average 9.9 percent in federal income taxes. Those making $50,000 to $60,000 paid an average of 6.3 percent.

The Tax Policy Center estimates that 46 percent of households, mostly low and medium income households, will pay no federal income taxes this year. So much for Obama's ability to do the math, or for that matter, run the country.

The News As I See It: A satellite is now headed toward earth and the people at NASA have no idea where it will land. How would they know? It’s not like they’re rocket scientists. I'll have more information on Friday assuming the satellite misses Miami.

Obama is speaking to the General Assembly at the United Nations and he’s urging the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix. Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it’s important for Obama to talk to the other countries — because they’re the ones that have all of our jobs.

Astronomers have discovered a planet that has two suns. That solar company Solyndra went bankrupt on that planet too.

Twenty-two people were awarded the MacArthur Genius grant. Among the geniuses were a scientist, an educator and a guy that got out of the stock market three years ago.

Part of Obama's plan to reduce the deficit includes one trillion dollars that will saved by bringing troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan. Wrong! Guess what Obie? Those cuts have already been counted and can't be considered in your reduction plan. It was going to happen with or without you anyway.

The U.S. military's controversial "don't ask, don't tell policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance and awkward showering for everyone in the military. I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evil doers. First, we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation "It’s Raining Men."

There’s a new 24-hour hotline for illegal immigrants who have questions about deportation. The number is really easy to remember. It’s 1-800-A-TRAP.

Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs — and up to 50 of them will be right here in America.

This Date In History: 1792; The French National Convention voted to abolish the monarchy. 1897; The New York Sun published its famous editorial, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus." 1937; The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein was first published. 1938; A hurricane struck New York and New England with extensive damage and more than 600 deaths.

1949; The People's Republic of China was proclaimed. 1964; Malta gained its independence from Great Britain. 1981; Belize gained its independence from Great Britain. 1996; John F. Kennedy, Jr., married Carolyn Bessette.

Picture Of The Day: Today's theme is simply entitled "before and after". I'll leave it to you, my observant little munchkins, to decipher the rest.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) "Dancing With the Stars" is back and thank God, because I haven’t seen a decent Viennese waltz in months. 2) I think that breast implants should come with squeaky toys inside. 3) People who plead the fifth amendment are usually guilty. No offense, Solyndra, I'm just saying..... 4) Chaz Bono was spotted shirtless on the set of "Dancing With the Stars." There were no survivors. 5) A woman gave birth on an airplane. The airline said that the woman and her new $40 carry-on are doing just fine.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 21st: It should be a pretty good day for you but I'd keep an eye out for that aging satellite that's due to hit earth around Friday. Speaking of aging satellites, your mother-in-law may pop in on Friday, as well. With a little luck, maybe that satellite could hit....., never mind. Wear your good cologne tonight, you may get lucky.

Birthdays: Heike Kamerlingh Onnes, physicist 1853, Herbert George Wells (H.G. Wells), English author 1866, Henry Lewis Stimson, statesman 1867, Larry Hagman, actor 1931, Stephen King, author 1947, Bill Murray, actor, screenwriter, comedian 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was walking in the street when he heard a voice say, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The old man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice answered, "I am your guardian angel." The man replied, "Yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

An older couple (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off. They share each other's values, enjoy the same joke and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decides to probe her soon-to-be a little.

The old woman says, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man says, "It's OK. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".

The old woman continues, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man answers, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, "And how's your sex life...." The old man says, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Little Ahmed, a Pakistani child entered his classroom on the first day of school. The teacher asked, "What is your name?" The little kid replied, "Ahmed ." The teacher said, "You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny."

That evening, little Ahmed returned home. His mother asked, "How was your day, Ahmed?" The little boy answered, "My name is not Ahmed. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."

His mother said "Ahmed, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" - and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day, little Ahmed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "Johnny, what happened to you?" The little boys replied, "I can see now why everyone complains about terrorism. Four hours after I became an American, I was attacked by two Pakistanis."

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" Little Johnny replied, "I'm in love." Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" Little Johnny said, "With you!" he said.

The teacher smiled and gently said, "But Johnny, don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday, but I don't want a child." Little Johnny said reassuringly, "Don't worry, I'll use a condom!"

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat. Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

That's it for today my little tumble weeds. Remember, if you don't go out on the limb, how are you going to get the good apple? It's hump day and a great reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !