Friday, January 31, 2014

Super Bowl Sunday

Sunday's Super Bowl will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey, a state that is accustomed to 300-pound guys blocking things. The forecast is expected to be in the mid-30s. It's above freezing but not so warm that you can smell the bodies in the swamp.

Yep, it's the Denver Broncos versus the Seattle Seahawks in the Big One that, due to both states recent legalization of recreational weed, is now also known as the Marijuana Bowl.

There are still more than 11,000 Super Bowl tickets unsold. Why they would have trouble selling $1,500 tickets to an outdoor event being held in a blizzard that you can watch on TV for free, is beyond me.

The odds makers have the Broncos favored by three points.
While I rarely pay much attention to the oddsmakers, I feel that Denver has the offense edge behind the experience of quarterback Peyton Manning, Defensively, it remains to be seen if Richard Sherman will play as the well spoken Dr. Jekyll or the rude, hot headed, Mr. Hyde.

I look forward to the normally well produced commercials through out the game and I see the outcome as the Denver Broncos defeating the Seattle Seahawks, 24 to 21.

Who will be playing? Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

There are certain rites of passage between father and son that are passed down from generation to generation. I fondly recall when my father and I, like his father and he before him, experienced one particular rite. To this day, it still brings tears to my eyes when I sat down with my son and said to him, "Hey Kevin, pull my finger."


The News As I See It: Vice President Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president.

In New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn't know if she's running for president in 2016. Isn’t that unbelievable? With 315 million Americans, what are the odds she’s the only one in the country who doesn’t know she’s running for president in 2016?

Obama gave his State of the Union address Tuesday night. Obama says he wants to give "America a raise." He’s just waiting for final approval from China. As soon as they say it’s OK, then we’ll move ahead.

Immediately after the State of the Union address, Joe Theisman delivered the State of his Prostate.

The recent Atlanta snowstorm resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. People in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?"

Fans are expected to eat 21,000 hot dogs on Super Bowl Sunday. So, don’t be surprised when this year’s Budweiser ad doesn’t feature any horses.

The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.

This Date In History: 1606; Guy Fawkes, a co-conspirator in the Gunpowder Plot, was executed. 1865; Robert E. Lee was appointed commander-in-chief of the Confederate forces.

1865; The House of Representatives approved the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which abolished slavery in the United States.

1940; The first social security check was issued to Ida Fuller for $22.54. 1958; The first U.S. earth satellite, Explorer I, was launched. 1990; The first McDonald's opened in Russia.

Picture Of The Day: Will Peyton Manning's experience affect to outcome of the Super Bowl?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Watching the Obama propaganda machine in motion, I realized that the average octopus spends two thirds of its life rolling up its sleeves. 2) Sure, women "say" that you don't need men anymore, but just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars. 3) Jehovah's Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts and started selling cookies 4) I'd love to have a sex change, preferably from "none" to "shitloads". 5) Even if I’m mad at my girlfriend, I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 31st: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. The partner of your dreams will realize you are worthy of attention, today. Stock up on alcohol and remember to change the sheets.

Birthdays: My friend Tressa - Happy Birthday girl ! 19XX, Franz Schubert, Austrian composer 1797, Zane Grey, author 1872, Tallulah Bankhead, actress 1902, John O'Hara, novelist and short-story writer, 1905, Thomas Merton, religious writer and poet 1915, Jackie Robinson, baseball player 1919, Carol Channing, comedienne, singer 1921, Norman Mailer, writer 1923, Minnie Driver, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. The preacher asks, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I didn't!" The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.

The cop says, "What's going on here?" The biker replies, "My friend here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his throat!" The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it, a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favourite corgi and squashed it flat.

He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the garbage.

Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the media were always making fun of her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says, "On second thought, get that f*cking dog out of the garbage again!"

 A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "Okay! You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. The supports would never reach the bottom of the Pacific. No, think of another wish." The man said okay and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, the man said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. To know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment and why they're crying. I want to know what they really want when they say 'nothing', how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

That's it for today, my little Bud Lites. Remember, sober me will always have your back. Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Remembering Pete Seeger / A Night At The (Whitehouse) Opera

Pete Seeger, American troubadour, the man considered to be one of the pioneers of contemporary folk music inspiring legions of singer-songwriters, died Monday at the age of 94.

Seeger's best known songs, which he either wrote or co-wrote, include "Where Have All the Flowers Gone", "Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There Is a Season)", "If I Had a Hammer" and "Kisses sweeter Than Wine."

But his influence extended far beyond individual hits. With "The Weavers", a quartet organized in 1948, Seeger helped set the stage for a national folk revival. The group -- Seeger, Lee Hays, Ronnie Gilbert and Fred Hellerman -- churned out hit recordings of "Goodnight Irene," and "Tzena, Tzena."

The Weavers

Seeger's musical career was always braided tightly with his political activism, in which he advocated for causes ranging from civil rights to the cleanup of his beloved Hudson River. Seeger said he left the Communist Party around 1950 and later renounced it. But the association dogged him for years.

He was kept off commercial television for more than a decade after tangling with the House Un-American Activities Committee in 1955.

Repeatedly pressed by the committee to reveal whether he had sung for Communists, Seeger responded sharply: "I love my country very dearly, and I greatly resent this implication that some of the places that I have sung and some of the people that I have known, and some of my opinions, whether they are religious or philosophical, or I might be a vegetarian, make me any less of an American."

He was charged with contempt of Congress, but the sentence was overturned on appeal.

Seeger's grandson, Kitama Cahill-Jackson said his grandfather died peacefully in his sleep around 9:30 p.m. at New York Presbyterian Hospital, where he had been for six days. Family members were with him. His grandson recalled, "He was chopping wood 10 days ago."

Rest in peace Mr. Seeger.....

Did anyone notice all the Congressional rail birds in seats next to the entrance of the House chamber? These assholes are the typical "Look Ma, I'm on TV" types who are always "photo bombing" live telecasts by waving, holding up signs or generally making an ass out of themselves. 

For the most part, seating at the State of the Union is first come, first served, so even members of Congress must camp out for prime seating. 

It turns out that seating at the State of the Union is by general admission, for the most part. Traditionally, the State of the Union is delivered in the House chamber, which is bigger than the Senate’s. Senate leaders get a roped-off section down front, as do US Supreme Court justices and some other groups, such as diplomats.

But House members aren’t so privileged. The leadership gets reserved seats, but places for the rank and file are not assigned. So anytime during the day of a State of the Union address, any representative may claim any chair for the coming evening festivities.

There’s a catch, though. They must remain physically in the seat to retain their place for the speech. So it’s like camping out on the Capitol lawn to get a good spot for the July 4 concert by the National Symphony.

If a member wants to make sure of a seat by the aisle so it’ll be easier to be seen on TV shaking the president’s hand, he or she can show up early, carrying snacks and magazines and settle in. Some of you may recognize these idiots as the same people who line up three days in advance for a Walmart sale......

The News As I See It: Obama gave his State of the Union address last night or, as I like to call it, "Lame Duck Dynasty." He didn’t mention the war on drugs because he’s still not sure which side he’s on.

The first live address broadcast on TV by a president was given by Harry Truman in 1947 and since then it's really just been an annual competition between Democrats and Republicans who see who can fake clap the loudest.

Hillary Clinton, during a speech this week, said she still doesn’t know if she’s running for president in 2016. Yeah and I still "don't know" if I'll have a beer on St. Patrick's Day.

The Pope announced that he is coming to the United States. The purpose of this visit is to perform an exorcism on Justin Bieber.

Even though Justin Bieber has been arrested and caused a lot of controversy, Adidas announced this week they are still standing by Justin Bieber as a sponsor. Did you even know that Adidas sponsored Justin Bieber? What sport does he play?

Last weekend, the Miami Heat took away Justin Bieber's courtside seats. When asked why, a spokesperson for the Heat said Bieber is not acting like an NBA fan. He's acting like an NBA player.

At the Grammy awards, Paul McCartney did a song with Ringo Starr. Then, in the middle of the performance, Yoko Ono came up on stage and broke up the remaining Beatles.

This Date In History: 1802; John Beckley became the first Librarian of Congress. He was paid $2 a day. 1845; Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven was published. 1850; Henry Clay introduced the Compromise of 1850 to the Senate. 1861; Kansas became the 34th state in the United States.

1886; Karl Benz received a patent for the first successful gasoline-driven car. 1936; Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Christy Mathewson, and Walter Johnson were the first players elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.

1963; Poet Robert Frost died in Boston. 2002; In his State of the Union address, President Bush labels Iraq, Iran, and North Korea an "axis of evil."

Picture Of The Day: When Obama delivered his State of the Union address, Bronx Representative Eliot Engel and others were sitting on the rail seats next to the House chamber entrance, having arrived early that morning and camping in their seats. They are referred to as "Aisle Hogs".

Presidents come and Presidents go, but during the annual State of the Union speech, one thing is certain, Engel, a Democrat, and other wannabees will be seated on the center aisle, perfectly positioned to be seen on TV  shaking hands with the President as he strides in and saying goodbye when the President walks out. A bunch of losers, all.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now. 2) I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 3) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to like French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 4) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her. 5) A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 29th: Destiny awaits you and is waiting with open arms to welcome you into the clubhouse of love. Everything will go perfectly and nothing will spoil it. There is that that remote chance that the predicted heavy thunderstorm might pass your way, but what are the odds.....

Birthdays: My friends Marilyn and Shelly - Happy Birthday ladies 19XX, Emanuel Swedenborg/ scientist, religious teacher 1688, Jeffrey Amherst/ army officer 1717, Thomas Paine/ political theorist and writer 1737, William McKinley33rd president of the United States 1843, Anton Chekhov, writer 1860 Frederick Delius, composer 1862, John D. Rockefeller Jr, philanthropist 1874, W. C. Fields, actor and comedian 1880, Edward Abbey, writer 1927, Tom Selleck, actor 1945, Oprah Winfrey, T.V. personality 1954, Greg Louganis, Olympic diver 1960.

The Black democrat in the orange dress (whose name I can't recall) has been a perennial "Aisle Hog" for a long time according to news sources.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

 After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said to her husband, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
Duck Dynasty's Willie Robertson was "in the house."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" The Sergeant Major said, "Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Ma'am, it's only 2130 now."

 Maude's husband Murray died suddenly one day. Maude was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Murray's obituary to read. Maude asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Maude said, "I want the obituary to read - Murray Is Dead."

The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Murray's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Murray so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - "Muray Is Dead, Boat For Sale'."

That's it for today, my little puddin' pops. Remember, the problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, January 27, 2014

State Of The Union? - Same 'Ol, Same 'Ol

Obama will give the State of the Union address tomorrow night and, like most presidents before him, it will be a huge helping of the same old shit.

George Washington, having difficulty in finding the proper words for his first State of the Union address, decided to pass to future presidents, a basic outline that would sound profound and presidential, yet avoid addressing past errors, omissions and general screw-ups.

Tomorrow evening, as we watch and listen to President Barry Soetero's 2014 version of shuck and jive, you may want to have this handy little presidential speech outline at your side. Obama, of course, will be reading his version from the teleprompter.

Here is the basic draft, revised and edited, that has been passed down over the years from liar to liar president to president. You may fill in the blanks as to what Barry will address:

Good evening, my fellow ________ . As we are all aware, this past year has been ________ for many of us. Our ________ has been tested. Tonight, there are_________ of citizens, without ________ , not sure of where their next _________ will come from. If we are to overcome ________ , we must work together. This administration has _________ the aisle, working together with _________ to outline a plan that will _________ . I urge Congress to pass _________ . This is not a political move. This is a necessary step to restore the nation's ________ , because my fellow ________ , I assure that despite _________ , the state of our Union is strong.

The News As I See It: As you know, Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach for DUI, drag racing and resisting arrest. One embarrassing moment when he said to the cop, "Don't you know who I am?" and the cop said, "Miley Cyrus?"

There are reports that AOL and Yahoo are planning a huge merger, which is pretty much the business equivalent of hearing Vanilla Ice is touring with MC Hammer. AOL and Yahoo have been trying to connect for years, but apparently someone in the house was on the phone.

In this New Year, 2014, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

This Date In History: 1880; Thomas Edison was granted a patent for his incandescent light. 1944; The Soviets announced the end of the two-year siege of Leningrad. 1945; The Russians liberated Auschwitz concentration camp, where the Nazis had killed over 1.5 million people, including over 1 million Jews.

1951; The U.S. Air Force started atomic testing in the Nevada desert. 1967; The Apollo I fire killed astronauts Grissom, White, and Chaffee during a simulated launch at Cape Canaveral. 1973; Vietnam War peace accords were signed in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: There's a cold snap all over the northern states. I can feel the pain. Miami will get down to 60 degrees tonight. Brrrrr..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got in touch with my inner child today and the little shit hung up on me. 2) You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seatbelt on. 3) The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he's probably lying. 4) I hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn't make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad. 5) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 27th: Today's gift to you is: He who makes love at awkward angle, gets back problems for next day.

Birthdays: My friend Tammy - Happy Birthday girl 19XX, Wolfgang Mozart, Austrian Composer 1756, Lewis Carroll, writer 1832, Samuel Gompers, labor leader 1850, Jerome Kern, composer 1885, Hyman G. Rickover, admiral 1900, Samuel C.C. Ting, physicist 1936, Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer 1948 John G. Roberts, Jr. jurist 1955, Frank Miller, artist, writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper smiled and said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort, hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and frustrated, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Indians. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!"

They put oil on his back,\ and a large Indian whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back and he can hardly move. The Indians haul the German away.

The chief says to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

The Indians ask the American, "What will you take on your back?" The American replies, "I'll take the Mexican."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." The child asked, "What's that mean?" Her mother replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

That's it for today, my little cupcakes. Remember, give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, January 24, 2014

Muskrat Susie and Muskrat Sam Are Divorcing

Toni Tennille and Daryl Dragon, better known as "The Captain and Tennille" are getting a divorce after 39 years. Yep, Muskrat Susie and Muskrat Sam are calling it quits. All is not lost musically however as I'm told the two are working on their follow up album, "Love Will Keep Us Together For 39 Years."

Come on guys, say it ain't so. The 71-year-old Daryl "Captain" Dragon and 73-year-old Toni Tennille are going their separate ways after nearly 40 years of marriage. According to ABC News, Tennille filed for divorce January 16th. Dragon reportedly told TMZ on Wednesday that he was blindsided by the filing, "I don't know why she filed, I gotta figure it out for myself first."

Dragon and Tennille toured with the Beach Boys, as keyboardists, in the '70s. They later began touring as a duo and released their first album, "Love Will Keep Us Together" in 1975.

Some of their hit tracks include: "Do That To Me One More Time," "Muskrat Love," a cover of the Miracles' hit "You Better Shop Around" and "The Way I Want To Touch You."

Reportedly, Parkingson's Disease has prevented Dragon from playing music as well as he once had in recent years. Tenille blogged in 2012, "His condition causes him to have tremors, pretty severe at times. Some days he does pretty well and other days his playing is severely compromised."

What's unclear is whether it's possible Toni really filed for health insurance reasons where Daryl's health coverage might be better if they were divorced. Either way, the Captain won't be hearing Toni lament, "Do That to me One More Time" any more. It's a sad day for muskrats.....

The News As I See It: Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach late Wednesday night and charged with DUI, possession of drugs, resisting arrest and drag racing. Justin was clocked going 60 miles an hour in a Lamborghini. Wow, 60 miles an hour in a Lamborghini? Hey Justin, it’s called second gear. Try shifting to third. Police took possession of the rented 2013 Lamborghini Gallardo, but the main reason for the Bieber tirade was because police confiscated his booster seat.

Obama is giving the NSA new guidelines on gathering data on American citizens. He says the NSA can no longer violate anyone's constitutionally protected right to privacy. That will be Target's job.

Anthony Weiner makes between three and four hundred thousand dollars a year as a political consultant. Anthony Weiner! How bad can a politician be doing in the polls when he says to himself, "What would Anthony Weiner do now?"

Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy.

Target announced that it is dropping health insurance for part-time employees and they’re blaming it on Obamacare. I guess now if Target employees need to pay for healthcare, they'll just have to use their customers' credit cards.

The Captain and Tennille were discovered by Neal Sedaka

This Date In History: 41; Roman emperor, Gaius Caesar, better known as Caligula, was murdered. 1848; Gold was first discovered in California, in Sutter's mill. When President Polk announced the news in December, the gold rush began.

1908; Robert Baden-Powell organized the first Boy Scout troop in England. 1943; The Casablanca Conference with Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill concluded. 1965; Winston Churchill died in London at age 90.

1972; Japanese soldier Shoichi Yokoi was discovered in Guam, having spent 28 years hiding in the jungle thinking World War II was still going on. 1986; Voyager Two space probe passes within 51,000 miles of Uranus.

1993; The first African-American to sit on the Supreme Court, Thurgood Marshall, died. 2003; The Department of Homeland Security, under Tom Ridge, became a cabinet department.

Picture Of The Day: Justin Beiber fresh out of the slammer.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People sometimes ask where Condoleeza Rice's first name came from. Neither her Uncle Ben nor her less successful sister Apartmentleeza Rice knew. 2) The only time that my girlfriend screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep. 3) (911 Caller): "Hello, Miami Police, the suspect is in a yellow Lamborghini." (911): "Okay, thanks Ma'am, that narrows it down to 67,000 people in Miami." 4) "People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?" - "Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking." 5) I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 24th: Your resolution to learn to play the piccolo will be cut short when you realize that you have no idea what a piccolo is.

Birthdays: My friend TerryAnn - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Frederick the Great, Prussian King 1712, Robert Motherwell, artist 1915, Ernest Borgnine, actor 1917, Maria Tallchief, ballerina 1925, Neil Diamond singer, songwriter 1941, Aaron Neville, singer 1941, Warren Zevon, singer, songwriter 1947, John Belushi, actor, comedian 1949, Mary Lou Retton, gymnast 1968, Matthew Lillard, actor 1970, Mischa Barton, actress, model 1986.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him. Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention.

She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior. The man said, " Really? What kind of myths?" She said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction."

She continued, "People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern Rednecks have the best stamina.".

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, " \I'm sorry", I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The man answered, "Tonto,...Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba !" 

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $1,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Moo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."

That's it for today, my little prairie dogs. Remember the old gray males, they ain't what they used to be! I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !