Monday, March 31, 2014

Possum Has Crossed Over The Rainbow Bridge

My cat Possum crossed the rainbow bridge today and my heart aches with sadness. Possum had been sick for about a month and, deep down in my heart, I knew his time was drawing near. He passed peacefully.

As you may understand, my desire and ability to write today's journal is not there. I don't deal well with death and I would be remiss in trying to publish my journal on such a heartbreaking today. If things go well, I will resume publishing Jimmy's Journal on Friday.

As I try to deal with Possum's passing, I have decided that I will withhold any publication on Possum's Journal until I am able to gather myself and write a memorial for him without crying.

Possum was my friend and pal and I will miss him very, very much.

Possum S. Hemmingway (2003 - 2014).

I love you.


Friday, March 28, 2014

New Jersey Politics - Christie Maneuvering For 2016?

Governor Chris Christie is obviously vying to be the 2016 Republican presidential nominee and his downfall may be the Bridgegate scandal. Hillary Clinton will probably be the Democratic nominee and her downfall may be Benghazi. I don't like either one of them.

Christie announced today that David Samson, the chairman of the Port Authority and a close ally, was resigning in the wake of the Bridgegate scandal. Christie, during an afternoon press conference in Trenton, N.J. said, "David tendered his resignation to me this afternoon, effective immediately. I want to thank him for his service and his friendship."

Christie's press conference -- his first in more than two months -- comes a day after the publication of a report that concluded the governor was not involved in the Bridgegate scandal, which shut down two of Fort Lee, N.J.'s access lanes to the George Washington Bridge from Sept. 9th to the morning of Sept. 12th.

Christie underwent secret weight-loss surgery a little over a year ago and is clearly much reduced in size, but still far from what you'd call thin. The recent controversy over closures of access lanes to the George Washington Bridge has drawn slams not only from those who’ve questioned Christie’s leadership, but also people piling on about whether he’d failed in his effort to curb his girth.

It’s been especially nasty on Twitter, where users haven’t missed an opportunity to insult Christie’s size and conservative pundit Glenn Beck jumped in on the thread last month dubbing the scandal #FatAndFurious.

But a top bariatric-surgery expert estimates that the Republican governor actually has shed between 90 pounds and 100 pounds from his 5-foot-11 frame, slimming down to an estimated 320 pounds after hush-hush gastric-banding surgery in February 2013. In the world of the super-obese, that’s success.

For Christie, the surgery can extend his life significantly. If his reasoning for the surgery was for his health, then that is good. If he did it to enhance his presidential chances, then he's no very smart. As for Hillary, win or lose in 2016, she'll never outlive her irresponsible behavior over the Benghazi incident.

The News As I See It: Obama visited with Pope Francis this week. It's traditional for world leaders to exchange gifts when they meet for the first time. The Pope gave Obama his book and two medallions. Obama gave the Pope seeds from the White house vegetable garden. The Pope said, "Great, my favorite" while muttering under his breath, "Cheap bastard."

Michelle Obama is in China right now. She fed panda bears. Like most people she feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken.

The U.N. approved a resolution calling Russia’s annexation of Crimea illegal. For those of you who don't know what a U.N. resolution is, it’s about as powerful as a negative Yelp review.

Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election in Toronto and the first debate was about public transportation. Ford said it's important to preserve the city's bus and subway stations. He said, "I rely on those things when I’m too drunk to drive myself."

A New Jersey man who was released last week after 15 years in prison for robbing a shoe store was arrested the next day for robbing the exact same store. He learned a valuable lesson. Next time, steal both shoes at the same time.

This Date In History: 1797; Nathaniel Briggs patented a washing machine. 1930; The cities of Constantinople and Angora changed names to Istanbul and Ankara, Turkey. 1939; The Spanish Civil War ended. 1941; Author Virginia Woolf drowned herself.

1979; Nuclear power plant accident at Three Mile Island, near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 2000; Supreme Court rules unanimously that an anonymous tip does not justify a stop-and-frisk action against a person.

Picture Of The Day: Christie before and after the lap band surgery.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend says I shouldn’t walk around the yard naked because our neighbors might think she's just with me for the money. 2) "This isn't my first rodeo" - Guy at his second rodeo. 3) When I was married, I always ate boiled eggs, cabbage and baked beans before my mother-in-law visited. 4) They’re considering a new 10-cent fee on grocery bags in New York. Who's laughing at the eight-thousand bags under my sink now? 5) It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big.".....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Lululemon is a company that makes yoga pants that are so tight they cut off circulation to the part of your brain that decides how much money is okay to spend on yoga pants.....

Today's HoroscopeAries - March 28th: Dentist's teeth are not always as great as you'd think. Next time you're in the chair, instead of looking down the nurses' top, have a good look inside the dentist's mouth. You'll be surprised.

Birthdays: My friend, Linda - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, Fra Bartolommeo, artist 1475, Maxim Gorky, writer 1868, August Busch, brewer 1899, Rudolf Serkin, pianist 1903, Dirk Bogarde, actor 1920, Nydia Velázquez, politician 1953, Reba McEntire, country singer 1955, Lady Gaga, singer, songwriter 1986.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.

She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator.

She said, "And finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. She explained, "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. They said, "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." Wilkens exclaimed, "Tell me! Did you find her?"

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." Wilkens said, "Oh my God!"

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Two basketball players were in a bar talking and one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second guy says, "Yeah, all the time." The first one asked, "Why is that?" The second guy says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, according to archaeologists, Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were. My car automatically heads to AREA 51 on Fridays for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Illusionists And Magicians

There's a difference between an illusionist and a magician. Harry Houdini was an illusionist. He was also the president of the Society of American Magicians. He was a popular president until he passed HoudiniCare.

 The word "magician" is from the Greek word "Mageaia," meaning "One who wears a top hat, cape and looks a bit like a gay vampire." I once got mugged by a magician. It wasn't funny. He took my wallet, my watch and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

An illusionist is one who shows you something that defies the laws of nature, thus creating anxiety. It is something that creates a weird feeling in your stomach, like Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid.

Obamacare is an illusion created by illusionists. The trick is to connive and lie to the public about the grandeur of the plan without having the slightest idea of what you're talking about. Then you illegally amend and change the written law to fit your political needs.

Obama and his cohorts have once again illegally changed the law and have extended the sign up period by an additional two weeks. Why, you might ask? The answer is purely political. The mid-term elections are drawing near (November) and polls show that more than half of the electorate dislike Obamacare.....

On a sad note: Lynda Petty, wife of famed seven time NASCAR champion Richard Petty, passed away yesterday. My condolences to Richard and the entire Petty family.

The News As I See It: Obama has convinced the leaders of the world’s biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Vladimir Putin said, "Good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia." Can you name all of the G-8? I try but I always forget Bashful. 

Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia. That’s right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin’s rivals tried to start his car.

Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station this week. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward.

In college basketball, March Madness starts out with 68 teams. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. It's like Obama's approval rating.

Elton John celebrated a birthday this week.. You know who else's birthday is this week? "Sex and the City" star Sarah Jessica Parker. One is a sassy lady dreaming about hooking up with Mr. Big. The other one is Sarah Jessica Parker.

Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.

This Date In History: 1827; Composer Ludwig van Beethoven died at age 56 in Vienna, Austria. 1945; The battle of Iwo Jima ended; about 22,000 Japanese troops were killed or captured in the fighting and more than 4,500 U.S. troops were killed.

1971; East Pakistan proclaimed its independence, taking the name Bangladesh. 1979; In a ceremony at the White House, President Sadat of Egypt and Prime Minister Begin of Israel signed a peace treaty ending 30 years of war between the two countries.

1982; Groundbreaking ceremonies for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial took place in Washington, DC. 2000 Vladimir Putin was elected president of Russia.

Picture Of The Day: Harry Houdini, the world famous master of the illusion.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny. 2) I see dead people. Technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes. 3) I probably should've said, "Congratulations on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom". 4) There's a new website that helps you write elaborate works of personalized fiction. It's called 5) A good indication of the intelligence of celebrities can be measured by the names they give their children. In an interview, one particular pair mentioned their children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - March 26th: Dank, inhospitable service station toilets may turn out to be your best friend today. It's all one big crap chute anyway.

Birthdays: Edward Bellamy, author 1850, A. E. Housman, poet and scholar 1859, Robert Frost, American poet 1874, James Bryant Conant, educator 1893, Tennessee Williams, dramatist 1911, Sandra Day O'Connor, jurist 1930, Alan Arkin, actor, director 1934, Diana Ross, singer 1944, Steven Tyler, musician 1948, Martin Short, actor, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

Bill replied, "But doctor, I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" The doctor replied, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

Once upon a time, there was a sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm, happy and able to breathe, he started to sing. 

 Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. 3) If you’re warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friends Mike and  Viv for their contributions to today's stories.

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although, if she wanted to, she could take a tub bath in front of the fire. The woman said, "Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts."

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the tub and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait outside the window. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" The girl said, "No, I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" The woman said,   "Oh, yes", and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" He answered, "Yes, but why the hell did you have to show her yours." His wife replied, "Why ever are you worried about that? You’ve seen it often enough before." Her husband answered, " I know, but the whole damn dart team hadn’t!"

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00."

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on."

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana." The dejected cowboy walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff."

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas."

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."

That's it for today, my little jellybeans. Remember, when you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, March 24, 2014

Bill Clinton Joins In On Criticizing Obama’s Internet Plans

Former President Bill Clinton is among those who are skeptical of the new Obama administration plan to give up Internet oversight authority. Clinton talked in some detail about why the U.S. should retain oversight over Internet domain names and addresses during a panel at a weekend meeting sponsored by the Clinton Global Initiative.

Noting that the Edward Snowden revelations of National Security Agency data collections has given “new energy” to the belief internationally that the U.S. should not even be in "nominal control of domain names," Clinton argued that the U.S. has still done a pretty good job of keeping the Internet open and free. (Authors Note: Aside from the obvious fact that the United States built and paid for the Internet).

Clinton said, " A lot of people have been trying to take this authority from the U.S. for the sole purpose of cracking down on Internet freedom and limiting it and having governments protect their backsides instead of empowering their people."

Opponents of the Obama administration’s plan, mostly Republicans, so far, are likely to cheer the former president’s remarks, since they too have some concerns about giving up what little control the U.S. has over the Internet. Clinton’s remarks may make it that much harder for the Obama administration to say their plan has widespread support.

The News As I See It: In March Madness, there have been several major upsets. Yesterday No. 12 seed Harvard beat No. 5 seed Cincinnati. Harvard students haven't been this excited since the last time they told someone they go to Harvard. They had a good game plan. When they committed a foul, their dad called the ref and got them out of it.

Google announced last night that it will launch a new security feature to make it harder for situations like the NSA spying program to happen in the future. Then they went back to driving around and taking pictures of the street you live on.

Next on CNN: 600 more hours of guessing what happened to the plane.

Lawmakers in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia – checking a bag.

This Date In History: 1603; Queen Elizabeth I died at age 69 after ruling England for more than 40 years. 1872; the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. 1873; the British somewhat refined the Arab idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

1882; Robert Koch announced the discovery of the tuberculosis bacillus. 1949; Laurence Olivier's Hamlet became the first British film to win an Oscar. 1958; Rock 'n' roll star Elvis Presley joined the U.S. army for two years.

1989; In one of worst oil spills in recent history, the tanker, Exxon Valdez, ran aground and released 240,000 barrels of oil into Prince William Sound. 1999; NATO begins launching air strikes in an attempt to force Serbia to cease hostilities against ethnic Albanians in Kosovo.

2002; Halle Berry became the first African-American actress to win a best actress Oscar and Denzel Washington became the second African-American actor to get the best actor award.

2004; The notorious Bird family's more than half-century stronghold on the nation of Antigua and Barbuda came to an end when Baldwin Spencer won the post of prime minister in the general election.

Picture Of The Day: The rare Florida Panther and cub in the wild. An endangered species, I have only seen one pair in the wild. Needless to say, I did not hang around for a long look......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 2) Media, stop using the phrase "Breaking News". It's been broken for some time now. 3) I just spent ten minutes waving back to a girl in a storefront window before I realized she was just cleaning the glass. 4) I said to my girlfriend's identical twin sister, "I know what you look like naked." 5) The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAries - March 24th: The loony-left is a phrase that you quite like. Something will stir your memory today and it may take a few hours for you to resolve your sense of deja vu. Why not test yourself by not eating pizza or drinking beer. Personally, I don't care. I'm having a slice of pizza and an ice cold beer. 

Birthdays: Georgius Agricola, father of mineralogy 1494, John Wesley Powell, geologist and ethnologist 1834, William Morris, designer 1834, Edward Weston, photographer 1886, Harry Houdini, American magician and writer 1874, Thomas Dewey, politician 1902, Steve McQueen, actor 1930, Peyton Manning, football player 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two black guys are talking and one says, "I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as president before Obama. His friend asks, "You like him more than Obama?" 

The first man said, "Oh, hell yeah!  He's smarter, plays the sax, smokes weed and his way with ugly white women. Even now, look at him. His wife works, he doesn't and, he gets a check from the government every month."

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in Georgia. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other man nods, hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't ave the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright. Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"

If you don't understand, ask a senior citizen
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, '"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

 A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

That's it for today, my little meadow larks. Remember, if pulled over, immediately ask the police officer if he's been drinking. This establishes dominance.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, March 21, 2014


While the severity and sadness of the missing Malaysian airliner remains, the actions of the Malaysian government has turned this disaster into somewhat of a sideshow. Politics, compounded by
the local press, has made matters worse.

The world press, especially United States television has turned this crisis into a television ratings race. CNN, whose ratings continue to plummet has turned the disaster into a 24 hour per day subject.

Additionally, all of the television coverage seems to be somewhat contrasted with each channel stating their own facts be they correct or not.

Perhaps a day will come when the world community concentrates on the task at hand and leaves ideology and politics on the sidelines, especially during crises like this.

The News As I See It: Yesterday was the first day of spring and just in time, because the day before yesterday was the 400th day of winter.

The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada.

Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga.

Starbucks is coming out with a new tea inspired by Oprah Winfrey. In a related story, they're also coming out with a cup holder inspired by Stedman.

Oprah Winfrey sold her old studio, Harpo Studios, apparently because she's decided to get rid of things she doesn't use anymore. Next up, Stedman.

This Date In History: 1602; The Dutch East India Company was established. During its 196-year history, it became one of the world's most powerful companies. 1727; English physicist/astronomer Sir Isaac Newton died in London at age 84.

1852; Harriet Beecher Stowe's "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was published. 1969; John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar. 1985; Libby Riddles became the first woman to win the Iditarod. 1990; Namibia becomes an independent nation.

1995; Two members of the Japanese cult Aum Sinrikyo released poisonous gas in a Tokyo subway stop during rush hour, killing 12 people and sending over 5,000 to the hospital for treatment.

1999; Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones became the first to fly a hot-air balloon nonstop around the world. 2003; Ground troops entered Iraq and a second round of air strikes against Baghdad was launched.

Picture Of The Day: The heartbreak of the families.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My neighbors' headboard banging kept me up last night so I yelled, "The guy last night made her scream louder." Then it got quiet.... 2) I was helping my nephew study for his geology exam, and apparently "hard, classic and punk" aren't the 3 different types of rock. Who knew? 3) People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him. 4) I'm Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children. 5) Some woman was staring at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 21th: Love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the strangest places you've ever imagined. On the other hand, it could be hidden in a pantry, bound and gagged. There are some strange things that go on in pantries. I know, I've been thee.

Birthdays: My friend Randy - Happy Birthday buddy 19XX, Henrik Ibsen, Norwegian dramatist and poet 1828, Frederick W. Taylor, industrial engineer 1856, B. F. Skinner, psychologist 1904, Alfonso Garcia Robles, statesman, Nobel Prize winner 1911, Carl Reiner, actor, writer, director 1922, Fred Rogers, television personality 1928, Bobby Orr, hockey player 1948, William Hurt, actor 1950, Spike Lee, filmmaker 1957, Holly Hunter, actress 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons to be learned here: 1) Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2) Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." The man inquires, "And what word would that be?" The brunette replies, "Comfortable." The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads real slow, when she gets this, she will see 'Com-for-da-bull'."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest replied, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked,"What do you think that means?" The oldest one replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

That's it for today, my little whippoorwills. Remember, if you listen real closely, you can hear your alarm clock laughing as you set it. I'll be in AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !