Wednesday, April 30, 2014

A Celebrity Death, An Execution And New Benghazi Emails

British actor Bob Hoskins, who was best known for roles in "The Long Good Friday" and "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", has died of pneumonia at the age of 71. Hoskins' agent said he died on Tuesday in the hospital, surrounded by family.

The star won a Bafta and was Oscar-nominated in 1987 for crime drama Mona Lisa, in which he starred opposite Sir Michael Caine and Robbie Coltrane. He announced he was retiring from acting in 2012 after being diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.

I admired Bob Hoskins greatly and I enjoyed all of his movies. Rest in peace, Mr. Hoskins.

Clayton Lockett, 38, was convicted of the killing of 19-year-old Stephanie Neiman in 1999. She was shot and buried alive. Lockett was also convicted of raping her friend in the violent home invasion that lead to Neiman's death.

Tuesday night, after the failure of a 20-minute attempt to execute him, Clayton Lockett died of a heart attack in the execution chamber at the Oklahoma state penitentiary in McAlester.

Some of the media is up in arms claiming that Lockett suffered unnecessarily in the botched execution procedure. Perhaps so, but I'm quite sure that as Stephanie Neiman gasped her last breath, her pain and suffering far exceeded whatever happened to Lockett. I have no sympathy for Clayton Lockett.

Newly released emails on the Benghazi terror attack suggest a senior White House aide played a central role in preparing former U.N. ambassador Susan Rice for her controversial Sunday show appearances - where she wrongly blamed protests over an Internet video.

More than 100 pages of documents were released to the conservative watchdog group Judicial Watch as part of a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit. Among them was a Sept. 14, 2012, email from Ben Rhodes, an assistant to the president and deputy national security adviser for strategic communications.

The Rhodes email, with the subject line: "Re: PREP Call with Susan: Saturday at 4:00 pm ET," was sent to a dozen members of the administration's inner circle, including key members of the White House communications team such as Press Secretary Jay Carney.

In the email, Rhodes specifically draws attention to the anti-Islam Internet video, without distinguishing whether the Benghazi attack was different from protests elsewhere. The email lists the following two goals, among others:

"To underscore that these protests are rooted in an Internet video and not a broader failure of policy."

"To reinforce the President and Administration's strength and steadiness in dealing with difficult challenges."

The email goes on to state that the U.S. government rejected the message of the Internet video. The email stated, "We find it disgusting and reprehensible. But there is absolutely no justification at all for responding to this movie with violence."

Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton said the documents read like a PR strategy, not an effort to provide the best available intelligence to the American people. He said, "The goal of the White House was to do one thing primarily, which was to make the president look good. Blame it on the video and not [the] president's policies."

Right before the 2012 election. What a coincidence. "Bin Laden is dead and Al Qaeda is on the run." Really? Come on Barry, really?

The News As I See It: NBA fans in Los Angeles know there's a dark cloud hanging over the Staples Center. But enough about the Lakers. There's also the Sterling thing.

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling is in trouble for making racist remarks. Sterling says he has a very good record of hiring minorities. For instance, he always has at least one white guy on the team.

Obama's approval rating has dropped once again. Obama's approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, "I'll take it from here."

Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing.

Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King.

George Clooney is engaged to be married. Another success story for

A new study shows that teens who mix alcohol and marijuana are more likely to have a bad driving record. Actually, you can take out the word "driving" and replace it with anything.

A Beverly Hills podiatrist makes his living by giving women the "Cinderella Procedure," a surgery that alters the shape of feet so they can fit into designer shoes more comfortably. One day, God willing, technology will advance to where it's easier to alter a shoe than a human foot.

This Date In History: 1803; France sold Louisiana and adjoining lands to the United States as part of the Louisiana Purchase. 1812; Louisiana became the 18th state in the United States. 1939; U.S. commercial television made its official debut at the New York World’s Fair.The signal was transmitted from the Empire State Building.

1945; Adolf Hitler and his newly married mistress Eva Braun committed suicide. 1948; The Organization of American States held its first meeting in Bogotá, Colombia. 1975; The Vietnam War ended with South Vietnam's surrender to North Vietnam.

1991; Over 131,000 were killed and as many as 9 million left homeless when a cyclone struck Bangladesh. 2003; Libya accepted responsibility for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland.

Picture Of The Day: If you liked eight years of Obama, you're going to love eight years of Hillary.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her change her religion and gave her smallpox. 2) There's no easy way to steal a watermelon. 3) I asked the my attorney's secretary if she could validate my parking. She said, "Jimmy, you park real good." 4) The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over. 5) My girlfriend and I are re-enacting "Titanic". We're at the part where Rose is naked on the couch. I can't draw well. I think my pencil may be out of lead.....and that's five !
Today's HoroscopePisces - May 30th: The rest of the week may be difficult. but it will be very profitable. Your word of the day is exhaustipated: Too tired to give a shit.

Birthdays: Saint John Baptist de la Salle, educator 1651, Franz Lehár, Hungarian composer of operettas 1870, John Crowe Ransom, poet and critic 1888, Eve Arden, actress 1912, Cloris Leachman, actress 1926, Willie Nelson, country singer, songwriter 1933, Isiah Thomas, basketball player 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The bellboy, after setting out an elaborate dinner for two asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The gentleman replied, "No thank you, that will be all."

As the bellboy turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. He asked, "Anything for your wife?" The man thought, then said, "Yes, that's a good idea. Please bring me up a postcard."

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

The boy's mother said, "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." The girl's mother yelled, "Sexuality my ass! He took out her appendix!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. He stammered, "Where to?" The woman answered, "Union Station"  The cabbie said, "You got it," and took another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, the truth will set you free. That is, unless the truth is that you comitted armed robbery holding up a liquor store. In that case, the truth will get you 10 to 25. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 28, 2014

Meet Samantha

Meet my new BFF, Samantha (Sam) B. Moran, whose name was chosen under circumstances which I will partially reveal as I relate her story. For those who are familiar with my pal Possum S. Hemmingway, the middle initial has an important significance as does the surname.

Samantha is her formal name and the initial has several meanings. Possum's middle initial was a nickname, known by most of his friends and readers.

In Samantha's case, I was torn between names. I once had a sweet female named Samantha who was with me for over 14 years. By the same token, I once had a cat named Blackie who was also with me for along period of time. Bottom line, most of the time I refer to her as Sam.

Sam's Picture (above) was on Facebook and looking for a home. My new friends Tom and Michelle had found and were caring for her. Their problem was they have a German shepherd and the chance of fighting was a possibility. Although I had recently lost my pal Possum, I just couldn't deny this juvenile kitty a place to call home.

Tom took Sam (who they called "Buddy") to the Broward Humane society to be spayed, micro-chipped and vaccinated (at Tom and Michelle's own expense). When I picked her up on Friday evening, the vet said that she had been pregnant and he had to abort her kittens. You can see the area where they operated on her in the (top) featured picture.

I have taken several pictures of her, but she's still recovering and doesn't seem in the mood to pose. She's still a bit skittish and considering she left people she knew, had an operation and met me, she's doing relatively well.

She's eating well, but after eating, she prefers to nap and continue to recuperate. I put her on my bed the last two nights and she's been sleeping there.

So, there you have it, my friends. I'm on a new path with a new little pal and hopefully, everything will turn out well. I'll be posting more pictures as she eventually learns how to ham it up for the camera. Sam will also be narrating future posts of Possum's Journal. The name will not change however. It will always be Possum's Journal.

The News As I See It: The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after Obama. Their student government isn’t very good, but the golf team is amazing.

They're auctioning off things from the Titanic. There's a menu of what was being served in the dining room the night the "Titanic" sank. The salad they were featuring that night was iceberg lettuce.

Obama was in Japan visiting the Benihana Training Institute. When Obama and Biden are out of the country, they turn over nuclear launch codes to Oprah.

More than 70,000 people will travel to Indianapolis this weekend for the annual meeting of the National Rifle Association. The weekend will feature a brunch, a gun raffle and no sudden movements.

Facebook has come out with a new feature that lets people see where their friends are at all times. It's called, "Nearby Friends,” which is better than the original title, "Avoiding Relatives."

This Date In History: 1788; Maryland became the 7th state in the United States. 1789; Fletcher Christian led the mutiny aboard the British ship Bounty against Captain William Bligh.

1945; Benito Mussolini was executed. 1947; Thor Heyerdahl and five others began their Pacific Ocean crossing on the raft, Kon-Tiki.

1967; Boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the Army. 1992; The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture unveiled its first "food pyramid." 2001; Dennis Tito became the first space tourist.

Picture Of The Day: The adventures of Tom and Jerry......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides of the story. 2) (Me): "Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you" (Her): " is a grenade." 3) Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow. 4) She asked for my name and if I was alone. She had me remove my belt, shoes and instructed me to take out what I have in my pants. Interactions with TSA agents are underrated. 5) My girlfriend just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid tonight just went from 0 to 750ml.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - April 28th: The morning hours will be just so-so today and tomorrow your gas tank will go from zero to $50 in under a minute. A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch will take you blissfully to the weekend and a rousing Saturday night. Sunday morning, you will probably wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.

Birthdays: James Monroe, 5th president of the United States 1758, Marie Joseph Chenier, poet and dramatist 1764, Lionel Barrymore, actor 1878, Harper Lee author 1926, Saddam Hussein, political dictator 1937, Jay Leno, talk-show host 1950, Penélope Cruz, actress 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, '"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

Dear Lord: These past couple of years have been tough. You have taken my favorite Actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite Cowboy James Arness, my favorite athlete Bob Feller, my favorite singer Lena Horne and my favorite sales pitchman Billy Mays. I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. Amen!!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, we're having company tonight. Comb your hair and put your teeth in."

A man was at his bank and there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of him, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, you know you're getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out and have a drink.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 25, 2014

The Winds Of Change Are Blowing

Today was physical and emotional for me. I believe everything worked out successfully and there's a good posssibility that there will soon be a new female in my life. I will expound more on Monday as the finishing touches are put on my plans.

The News As I See It: While he was in Japan, Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It's like the White House version of "Freaky Friday."

Obama had $300 sushi for dinner. That's a lot of money, but it comes with unlimited bread sticks and Mercury poisoning is covered by Obamacare.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very first

A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited — I mean, you should've seen the look that wasn't on their faces.

Vladimir Putin said, "If I were drowning, I think Obama would rescue me." I'm thinking. "Great idea. Let's give that a try."

Earth Day was on Wednesday. I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it.

The Detroit Metropolitan Airport has unveiled indoor patches of grass that serve as toilets for service dogs. And The New York subway continues to offer hundreds of square miles of tile that serve as toilets for everybody.

This Date In History: 1901; New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. 1915; British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli. 1928; The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank.

1945; Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations. 1953; The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping.

1990; Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua. 1992; Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed.

2003; The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.

Picture Of The Day: Stuck in the middle with you....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think running in front of cars is some sort of gang initiation for squirrels. 2) Any spouse can be a trophy spouse if you take them to a Taxidermist.   3) I think that a group of squid should be called a squad. 4) The waiter, I mean barrista said, "It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." I said, "Ok, I got it, doo-shah." 5) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - April 25th: Chin up and best foot forward. Love may come your way this week. If it doesn't then you can at least console yourself with the fact that there's a good chance at parole at your next court appearance and evaluation.. 

Birthdays: My friend Lisa - Happy Birthday 19XX, Oliver Cromwell, statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969, Jason Lee, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or a weight-lifter?" The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"  His wife replied, " I'd take half and leave you." Her husband says, "Great, here's $6. I won $12 yesterday!  Keep in touch."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old cowboy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacations away from school. One child wrote: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

He continued, "Everyone lives in nice little houses and they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.

They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. 

Then, the spiral staircase said, "Oh, look! Jimmy's drinking Grey Goose vodka on the rocks. Let's kill him!"

That's it for today, my little pickled pepper pickers. Remember, if you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Don't Have A Stroke Harry - On Second Thought.....

Be he Democrat or Republican, Harry Reid is still a senile old asshole. His relentless attacks on Cliven Bundy (who happens to be guilty of the charges filed against him) is a vendetta. By the same token, Bundy has done no more than the "Occupy (anything)" assholes and nary a peep of protest came out of Reid's mouth.

Moreover, Reid has said little about the nearly $17,000 in campaign funds sent to his granddaughter and disclosed their relationship only under pressure from the Federal Election Commission.

Reid reimbursed the money after it was revealed his campaign had cut two separate checks of $5,417 and $11,370 to his granddaughter last October for what Reid described as "holiday gifts" and FEC regulations consider as personal use and not allowed.

As for Reid versus Bundy, the Bureau of Land Management (BLM), whose director was Harry Reid’s former senior adviser, has purged documents from its web site stating that the agency wants Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy’s cattle off of the land that his family has worked for over 140 years in order to make way for solar panel power stations.

Deleted from but reposted for posterity by the Free Republic, the BLM document entitled "Cattle Trespass Impacts" directly states that Bundy’s cattle "impacts" solar development, more specifically the construction of "utility-scale solar power generation facilities" on "public lands."

Back in 2012, the New American reported that Harry Reid’s son, Rory Reid, was the chief representative for a Chinese energy firm planning to build a $5-billion solar plant on public land in Laughlin, Nevada.

Journalist Marcus Stern with Reuters also reported that Senator Reid was heavily involved in the deal as well. He wrote. "[Reid] and his oldest son, Rory, are both involved in an effort by a Chinese energy giant, ENN Energy Group, to build a $5 billion solar farm and panel manufacturing plant in the southern Nevada desert. Reid has been one of the project’s most prominent advocates, helping recruit the company during a 2011 trip to China and applying his political muscle on behalf of the project in Nevada."

He continued, "His son, a lawyer with a prominent Las Vegas firm that is representing ENN, helped it locate a 9,000-acre (3,600-hectare) desert site that it is buying well below appraised value from Clark County, where Rory Reid formerly chaired the county commission."

Although these reports are in plain view, the mainstream media has so far ignored this link. Journalist Dana Loesch wrote, "A tortoise isn’t the reason why BLM is harassing a 67 year-old rancher. They want his land. The tortoise wasn’t of concern when Harry Reid worked with BLM to literally change the boundaries of the tortoise’s habitat to accommodate the development of his top donor, Harvey Whittemore."

Loesch continued, " Reid is accused of using the new BLM chief as a puppet to control Nevada land (already over 84% of which is owned by the federal government) and pay back special interests. BLM has proven that they’ve a situational concern for the desert tortoise as they’ve had no problem waiving their rules concerning wind or solar power development. Clearly these developments have vastly affected a tortoise habitat more than a century-old, quasi-homesteading grazing area."

Update: The Drudge Report, the #1 news aggregate site in the world, has now picked up this story. Unfortunately for the BLM, the documents they wanted to delete are now exposed for the world to see.

Update #2: ENN Energy Group describes itself as a "privately-owned clean energy distributor in China." However, as the People’s Republic of China is a single-party state governed by the Communist Party, all large companies in China, one way or the other, are either controlled or are heavily influenced by the Chinese government.

The News As I See It: Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It's the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it. After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It's like lice declaring a Head Day.

In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. Apple will recycle its used products for free. That's not to be confused with what Apple normally does — when it recycles its old ideas for $600.

Everyone celebrates Earth Day in his or her own way. In honor of Earth Day, I have filled all four of my pockets with fresh potting soil.

A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children, while the other 19 percent of parents didn't think it counted as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place.

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s old hand-me-downs. Hillary is very excited about being a grandmother. She's home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.

Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster on Apple Maps. But it turned out it was just a car that drove into the lake because it was using Apple Maps.

Last week celebrated John Muir Day. He is the father of our national parks, the most famous naturalist of all time. Do not confuse a "Naturalist" with a "Naturist." A naturalist is an expert on nature. A naturist is an expert on walking around outside naked. John Muir devoted his life to preserving nature. Without his tireless effort, America would be a dirty, over-developed commercial wasteland. Or as we call it, "Los Angeles."

This Date In History: 1616; Playwright William Shakespeare died in Stratford-on-Avon, England. 1954; Hank Aaron hit the first of his 755 home runs. 1969; Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death (later reduced to a life sentence) for the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. 1985; Coca-Cola announced that it was changing its formula and introduced New Coke. 1998; James Earl Ray, convicted of assassinating Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., died. 2004; The U.S. resumed diplomatic relations with Libya.

Picture Of The Day: Throwback.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I exercise religiously, which means I go running dressed as the Pope. 2) I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass. 3) The best salesperson ever was the first woman to pluck her eyebrows, draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it. 4) Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart and neither of them like it if you pee on them.....mostly. 5) Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80 percent Rice Krispies.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - April 23rd: The law may be your friend today or it might turn round and bite you in the ass. Either way the word "law" is going to crop up.

Birthdays: William Shakespeare, English dramatist and poet  1564, J.M.W. Turner, painter 1775, James Buchanan, President 1791, Max Planck, physicist 1858, Sergei Prokofiev, composer 1891, Ngaio Marsh, detective story writer 1899, Shirley Temple Black, actress, politician 1928.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three little boys were visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa?" Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked, "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant. After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?" His father replies "That's his trunk son." The boy says, "No, no, Dad at the back." His father replies, "Oh, that's his tail."

The boy says, "No, Dad, between his legs." The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son." The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing." His father replies, "Well, son, you have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A and M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph said, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out."

Joseph continued, "Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike."

Britney is stranded on an island. Britney is starving. Britney forms tool out of rocks and sticks. Britney sees a fish. Britney Spears.....

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember,  irony is the opposite of wrinkly. Thank you.. thank you very much. I'll be here all week. For now, I'm going to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !