Monday, June 30, 2014

Obama Nominates Robert McDonald As New VA Secretary

Obama nominated Republican outsider Robert "Bob" McDonald this afternoon as Secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs. I sincerely hope that McDonald can turn this aberration around and resolve the numerous scandals and systemic delays in health care for our troops.

The nomination comes a little more than four weeks after Obama's original choice as VA secretary when he took office in 2009 — former Army general Eric Shinseki — resigned under fire.

The acting agency undersecretary for the Veterans Health Administration and the VA general counsel also have tendered their resignations.

McDonald, 61, is the son of an Army Air Corps World War II veteran, he graduated in the top two percent of his class at the U.S. Military Academy in 1975 and served five years in the Army. He was chairman of Procter and Gamble for 33 years.

McDonald is a Republican, according to records at the Hamilton County Board of Elections in Ohio.

The Clintons Are Broke? Bill Clinton has been paid $104.9 million for 542 speeches around the world between January 2001, when he left the White House, and January 2013, when Hillary stepped down as secretary of state, according to a Washington Post review of the family’s federal financial disclosures.

Records of Hillary's earnings are not publicly available, but executives familiar with the engagements said her standard fee is $200,000 and up and that she has been in higher demand than her husband.

Hillary was also advanced 14 million dollars for her new book "Hard Choices" and, according to reports, may not sell enough copies to repay the advance.

Did you know that back in 1850, California became a state.The people had no electricity.The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed since then except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

The News As I See It: World Cup Soccer has an official song. The official anthem is "We Will Find a Way." It narrowly beat out the other contender, "I Feel Someone's Teeth in My Shoulder."

It's bad in Iraq now and it's getting worse. Obama said he might have to send in Dennis Rodman.

Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money'

This Date In History: 1859; French acrobat Charles Blondin, AKA Jean Francois Gravelet, walked across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. 1908; A powerful natural explosion from an unknown cause rocked the Tunguska Basin, in eastern Siberia, flattening hundreds of square miles of forest and resulting in tremors that could be felt hundreds of miles away.

1921; President Warren G. Harding appointed former president William H. Taft chief justice of the United States. 1934; Adolf Hitler secured his position in the Nazi party by a "blood purge," ridding the party of other leaders such as Ernst Roehm and Kurt von Schleicher. 1936; Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was published.

1971; The 26th Amendment, which lowered the voting age to 18, was ratified by the states. 1998; The remains of a Vietnam War serviceman buried in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers were identified as those of Air Force pilot Michael J. Blassie.

Picture Of The Day: A relatively recent view of Mt. Saint Helens, slowly coming back to life after it's destructive eruption in 1980.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Who's the genius who invented those phone cases where you can put your credit cards in with your phone so that when you lose your phone, you're also broke? 2) Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, a hunter, with a gun. 3) My girlfriend stepped on the scale today. Not to check her weight, she just couldn't reach the cookies in the cupboard. 4) I think this lady I'm dating just found out. She changed her wifi name to: "Hey you in the tree. I've called the cops." 5) No I don't think you're stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 30th: Stick to you diet this week. It will pay off in the long run. By the way, if you happen to hear the Pink Panther song playing when you sneak down the hall for a midnight snack, you're breaking the diet.

Birthdays: Walter Ulbricht, Communist leader 1893, Czeslaw Milosz poet, essayist, and novelist 1911, Lena Horne, Jazz and pop singer, dancer, and actress 1917, •\Paul Berg, biologist 1926, Mike Tyson, boxer 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations!"

Looking at the cowboy, the clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy says, "Naw, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

They’re coming out with a new Cash for Clunkers program that will give consumers a rebate when they trade-in old home appliances. This is great news for anyone who owns a Buick toaster oven.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Julie and Linda in Washington State for their contributions to today's stories.

A man with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Arkansas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" The man replied, "No sir, I don't need none of those papers. These here are my pet fish." The game warden said, "Pet fish?!"

The man said, "Yep. Once a week, I bring these fish of mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." The game warden said, "What a line of baloney. You're under arrest." The man said, "It's the truth, sir. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!" The game warden smirked, "We do, now, do we? Prove it?"

The man released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" The man said, "Well, what?" The warden asked, "When are you going to call 'em back?" The man said, "Call who back?" The warden said, "The fish!" The man said, "What fish?"

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

A little boy was sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks that he has been in there too long, so she goes to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet looking at a book and every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says, Tommy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while." Tommy says, "I'm ok Mommy, I just haven't gone potty yet." His mother says, "Okay, you can stay a few more minutes but, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Tommy replies, "It works for ketchup....."

That's it for today, my little sugar plums. Remember, refrain from talking to characters on the movie screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 27, 2014

Supreme Court Rules Unanimously Against Obama

Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because it builds character. Then he announced he will be raising the minimum wage to $100 an hour. Okay, maybe not, but the Obama administration’s position has been defeated in at least thirteen cases before the Supreme Court since January 2012. It continued its abysmal record before the Supreme Court with the announcement of two unanimous opinions against arguments the administration had supported.

First, the Court rejected the administration’s power grab on recess appointments by making clear it could not decide when the Senate was in recess. Then it unanimously tossed out a law establishing abortion-clinic "buffer zones" against pro-life protests.

The tenure of both Obama and A.G. Eric Holder has been marked by a dangerous push to legitimize a vast expansion of the power of the federal government that endangers the liberty and freedom of Americans. They have taken such extreme position on key issues that the Court has uncharacteristically slapped them down time and time again.

Historically, the Justice Department has won about 70 percent of its cases before the high court. But in each of the last three terms, the Court has ruled against the Obama administration a majority of the time.

These decisions are very revealing about the views of Obama and Eric Holder. Their vision is one of unchecked federal power on immigration and environmental issues, on presidential prerogatives and the taking of private property by the government.

It also reveals hostility to First Amendment freedoms that don’t meet the politically correct norms and disregard of Fourth Amendment protections against warrantless government intrusion. These are positions that should alarm all Americans regardless of their political views, political-party affiliations or background.

Obama was the first president to try to make recess appointments when Congress explicitly said it was not in recess. The Constitution requires that the Senate and House must get the other's consent for a break lasting longer than three days. At the end of 2011, the Republican-controlled House would not give the Democratic-led Senate permission for a longer break.

The partisan roles were reversed during Bush's presidency, when Senate Democrats sought ways to prevent the president from making recess appointments. In fact, the very basis on which the justices decided the case - that the Senate can use extremely brief sessions to avoid a formal recess - was a tactic devised by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada to frustrate Bush.

Note to Michelle Bachman, Nancy Pelosi and other female politicians: You screw up enough without help. Don't eat corn dogs or bananas near the media.

The News As I See It: The U.S. lost to Germany in the World Cup, but because FIFA rules dictate that teams get one point for a tie, three points for a win, and zero points for a loss, and both the U.S. and Portugal had a score of four, and because the U.S. had a higher goal differential, the U.S. still advances. That's the rules and that, in a nutshell, is why Americans don't follow soccer.

The next opponent for the U.S. will be Belgium. The Belgians are favored over the U.S. But so far, the Belgians have been cagey about saying if they think they'll win. That's right, the Belgians are waffling.

Tune in to the NBA draft if you can because it's a great opportunity to see Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian's future ex-husbands. You may even see them on the sidelines sizing up the possibilities.

Luis Suarez, the Uruguayan soccer player who bit an Italian player during World Cup has been fined $122,000 and banned by FIFA, the world soccer governing body, for 9 games and 4 months. Additionally, Suarez has to wear one of those dog cones in future tournaments.

Some of Bob Dylan's handwritten lyrics from 1965 went up for auction and got $2 million. The reason the Dylan lyrics are so valuable is because if you buy them, you'll be the only one in the world who knows what Dylan is singing.
This is a picture taken somewhere in Cuba. I did not bother to learn the exact location but I found it to be quite beautiful.

This Date In History: 1844; Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints founder Joseph Smith was murdered by a mob in Carthage, Ill. 1898; Joshua Slocum became the first person to successfully circumnavigate the earth alone when he landed his sloop Spray in Newport, R.I., a 46,000-mile trip.

1922; The Newbery Medal for children’s literature was first awarded. 1950; President Harry S. Truman ordered the Air Force and Navy into the Korean War. 1954; The world's first atomic power station opened at Obninsk, near Moscow.

1969; Police and gays clashed at the Stonewall Inn in New York City, fostering the gay rights movement. 1985; The legendary Route 66, running from Chicago to Santa Monica, Calif., was decertified, the victim of the Interstate Highway System.

2003; The national do-not-call registry, formed to combat unwanted telemarketing calls and administered by the Federal Trade Commission, enrolled almost three-quarters of a million phone numbers on its first day.

Picture Of The Day: Today is Friday eclectic picture day and I just grabbed a few that captured my fancy. This pictured was obtained by Jimmy's Journal through unnamed private sources. It proves that Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson are not dead! They are living together in a trailer in New Orleans. Your mileage and conclusions may vary.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes. 2) Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is the day when I stop telling lies. 3) I hate grocery shopping. That's why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I'm getting, but it sure is faster. 4) With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it's pretty obvious that Americans don't breed well in captivity. 5) Men developed the Theory of Relatively, walked on the moon and painted the Mona Lisa yet are still baffled by bra hooks.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 27th: Today may be a defining moment in your life. You may begin to ponder about the "big" questions. What is life, why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Birthdays: Charles Stewart Parnell, statesman 1846, Frank Rattray Lillie, zoologist and educator 1870, Helen Keller, American author and lecturer, blind and deaf from the age of two 1880, Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo 1927, H. Ross Perot, business executive 1930, Vera Wang, fashion designer 1949.

The race for worst president

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."

Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." Paddy says,"That he did. A shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it."

Sean says, "You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?" Paddy says, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's right breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

A young lawyer decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. He asks her, "Say Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother explained, "Because he was conceived on an evening when the winds blew strong and the rain came down upon us."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? His mother replied, "Well your father and I were walking in a cornfield that was ready to harvest when we made her."

He then asked, "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? His mother said, "We were lying in a beautiful meadow observing the full moon when she was conceived."

The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"

 Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

That's it for today, my little goslings. Remember, it's considered tacky to take a beer cooler to church. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Incredible Story Of Pu Tang - The Human Tampon

I promised myself I wouldn't post this but it's just too funny to pass up. It's the story of an American student we'll call Pu Tang, whose curiosity moved him to crawl inside the sculpture of a very large vagina in Germany. Here's the story:

An exchange student from the United States got caught in the act while "exploring" a giant stone vulva in Germany. It happened outside the Tübingen University' institute for microbiology and virology.

The 22-year-old was "allegedly" dared to climb on the marble artwork named "Chacan-Pi", or "Making Love". The sculpture is supposed to signify "the gateway to the world," but the unnamed student couldn't pull his legs out.

It took five fire trucks and 22 firefighters to free him. All the while his friend took pictures of their labor. Tübingen's mayor told reporters that he was at a loss as to how anyone, even considering the most extreme adolescent fantasies, could have gotten stuck. The mayor said, "To reward such a masterly achievement with the use of 22 firefighters almost pains my soul".

It is unknown who the model was for this sculpture, but I'm ruling out Monica Lewinsky since there are no traces of cigar ashes. There is a chance that Nancy Pelosi could have been the model as the sculpture is barren and made of stone.

As you may have noticed, the man's face has been blurred ostensibly to protect his identity. Using the newest technology, Jimmy's Journal has been able to remove the face blur. You may have seen this person in Washington D.C.

I could do thirty minutes of one-liners on this story but I'll leave that to you my friends.....

The News As I See It: Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president "as soon as possible." So even she has had enough of Barry Obama.

Pope Francis excommunicated all members of the Mafia last weekend. After the announcement, the first thing I thought was: Good luck starting the Popemobile.

The U.S, soccer team faces Germany on Thursday after a tie with Portugal in the World Cup. This puts the U.S. in a tough spot because people have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours.

Kraft is recalling 260 cases of Velveeta cheese. Problems with the ignition switch.

This Date In History: 1788; Virginia became the 10th state in the Union. 1876; Lt. Col. George A. Custer and all his men were killed by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana.

1950; Communist North Korean troops invaded South Korea, beginning the Korean War. 1951; The first commercial color TV program was transmitted by CBS from New York to Baltimore, Philadelphia, Boston, and Washington, DC.

1991; Croatia and Slovenia proclaimed their independence from Yugoslavia, beginning the Yugoslavian civil war. 1997; Oceanographer Jacques Cousteau died. 2009 Michael Jackson, lifelong musician, pop singer, and superstar, dies at age 50.

Picture Of The Day: The picture of the now famous Chacan-Pi sculpture. I must admit that I cannot tell you if the sculpture is anatomically correct because every time I've gotten really, really close to that part of the anatomy, I always closed me eyes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I'd just go to Sears. 2) The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you. 3) My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah and I had to give it to her because as far as I know, that's correct. 4) Going to Walmart with my girlfriend and her kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working! 5) Brother Kirt had a lot of emotional problems as a child. I remember he used to think he was a chicken. We never said anything about it because we needed the eggs.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 25th: Today is a day that you should take the time to acknowledge your parents, especially your mother. Mothers just seem to handle adversity well while still maintaining their composure. My Mom never uttered a swear word in her life until she learned to drive.

Birthdays: My friends Cathy and Jennifer - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Antonio Gaudí architect 1852, Robert Henri painter 1865, George Abbott theatrical producer 1887, George Orwell pseudonym of Eric Arthur Blair, British novelist and essayist 1903, James Meredith, civil-rights leader 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night. You gotta love George.

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?'' Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, ''The doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12 - Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

A woman wanted a face lift and her surgeon told her about a new procedure, "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." The woman says, "That sounds good."

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes." The surgeon replies, I'm sorry, but those aren't bags. Those are your tits." The woman says, "Well, that explains the goatee."

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. A trip to AREA 51 seems to be in order. I will follow my hunches.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, June 23, 2014

If You're OCB And Know It Wash Your Hands

I think I have OCD and Dyslexcia which sometimes leave me in a quandary. There are times that I enjoy multi-tasking with one hand while the other hand just pokes fun. Then dyslexia, with a little help from the Reverend Spooner, kicks in and I don't know whether to blit or go shind (For the hard of understanding, see "Spoonerism").

Sometimes I think that it's due to growing older when doddering becomes more common. But then I remembered the time I got home at 3 am and I realized I was getting ready to pee in the dirty clothes hamper. Fortunately I was able to stop and it didn't take a math genius to figure out where I had tossed my underwear and socks.

I save everything. I don't know why, I just do. Witness my current stash of 7,000 plastic bags under the sink which I am reluctant to throw out. It is my understanding that New York grocery stores are considering charging 10 cents per bag to their customers. Who's laughing now, eh?

I wonder how many poor OCB bastards pulled over to fix this horror?

The News As I See It: The new movie "Jersey Boys" just opened. It's based on the Broadway play. It's about the musical group "Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons". Their biggest hit was "Big Girls Don't Cry" which came out in 1962. I'm sure all the young people will relate.......

To be honest, I don't know how well "Jersey Boys" is going to do. People in Los Angeles can't relate to a movie about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons because people there have no idea what a season is.

This Date In History: 1868; Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for an invention he called a ''Type-Writer.'' 1947; The Senate overrode President Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act.

1969; Warren Burger was sworn in as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1972; Richard Nixon and H. R. Haldeman discussed ways to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation. Revelation of this conversation spurred on Nixon's 1974 resignation.

1992; Mobster John Gotti was sentenced to life in prison. 1995; Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical pioneer who developed the first polio vaccine, died. 2003; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the University of Michigan's School of Law affirmative action policy.

Picture Of The Day: This one made me laugh. If you're not familiar with Obsessive Compulsive Behavior, the humor may elude you. On a serious note, OCB can be very scary for those unable to cope. It is an often overlooked and misdiagnosed disorder. Most people just learn to live with it and adjust accordingly.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Instead of neutering my dog, I just make him wear Crocs. 2) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the fourth or the fifth. 3) I have a doctor friend who worked for 40 years trying to find the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. In the end, he found the cure, but then he forgot it. 4) The people next door named their dog Carpenter, because he does little odd jobs around the house. 5) My friend got some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said, "remove cap and push up bottom." He says he can barely walk, but whenever he passes gas, the room smells freakin' awesome.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeCancer - June 23rd: An Asian person may appear in your life this week. If you're lucky, it will be a man because chances are that he will be a Sushi chef. On the other hand, it may be a lovely young woman. But remember, just because her tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make her spiritual. It's right above the crack of her ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli."

Birthdays: Edward VIII, king of Great Britain and Ireland 1894, Alan Turing, computer scientist 1912, Wilma Rudolph, track and field 1940, James Levine, music director 1943, Clarence Thomas, associate justice 1948, Frances McDormand, actress 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, doctor, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her. Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!" The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price."

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

That's it for today, my little petunias. Remember, there's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Johnnie Walker Black scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, June 20, 2014

How Would You Like To Live Inside A Dormant Volcano?

The Pacific island of Aogashima is a volcanic Japanese island in the Philippine Sea. As of 2014, the island's population was 170 on almost 9 km of land. Aogashima is also within the boundaries of the Fuji-Hakone-Izu National Park.

I happened to see a picture of the island posted by my friend Herb on Facebook and looking closer, I saw what appeared to be homes inside the dormant volcano and my curiosity led me to delve more into its history.

The history of human settlement on Aogashima is uncertain. Most of the people in Aogashima are Japanese. The island is mentioned in Edo period records kept at Hachijō-jima, which record volcanic activity in 1652, and from 1670-1680.

An earthquake swarm in July 1780 was followed by steam rising from the lakes in the Ikenosawa Caldera. Further earthquakes in May 1781 led to an eruption. In April 1783, lava flows from the Maruyama cone resulted in the evacuation of all 63 households on the island.

During a massive eruption in 1785, some 130-140 of the population of 327 islanders perished.Accordingly, the population has fluctuated, depending upon the last time it, uh......erupted.

Located in the Kuroshio region of open seas and known for tidal wave generation, the island is barely reachable except by boat. The island has no real harbor to anchor boats due to the steep rugged cliffs of layered volcanic deposits that surrounds the entire island. The other option is to take a helicopter provided by Tokyo Island Shuttle Service.

There isn’t much to do on Aogashima though, except enjoy the serenity of a tropical paradise. In the center of the island lies a geothermal sauna. There is a public facility utilizing the geothermal power and gas and people use it to cook. This cooker using geothermal steam is available for free. Steamed fresh vegetables, potatoes or eggs are one of the specialties of Aogashima. The facility also features a sauna, a public bath, and hot showers.

Aogashima is the smallest village in Japan. As of 2009, the island's population was 205 and it’s decreasing. The island has a primary school with about 25 students. When they reach the age of fifteen, they would to go to high school on the mainland and nobody knows if and when they will be back to Aogashima. The folklore songs that people here sing are mostly about stories of leaving the island and parting with their loved ones.

Now I don't claim to be a Rhodes Scholar, but living near or inside a volcano doesn't seem like a very good idea, but I suppose that if one is born there, one doesn't know the difference....sort of like Detroit or Chicago.

I've seen the before and after pictures of Mount St. Helens and I don't think I would sleep very well at night. Nevertheless, given the opportunity, I would enjoy visiting the island.....

The News As I See It: Obama's approval rating in the U.S. is at its lowest point ever, 41 percent. After hearing this, the president said, "When did I become less popular in this country than soccer? How did that happen?"

The U.S. vs Ghana World Cup game drew a record 15.9 million American viewers. This breaks the old record of Americans watching soccer by 15.8 million viewers.

Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, "Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage."

Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money.

A new survey found that 27 percent of airline passengers don't like making small talk with the person sitting next to them. While the other 73 percent of airline passengers can't take a hint.

Amazon introduced its own smartphone. You can tell it's from Amazon because after you hang up with someone, Amazon suggests other people you might want to call.

Kourtney Kardashian is reportedly pregnant. Just this morning I was thinking to myself, "There just aren't enough Kardashians." Kourtney's family was surprised when they heard the news. Bruce Jenner looked shocked. Then again, he's looked shocked for a couple of years now, hasn't he?

Starbucks has teamed up with Arizona State University to create a program that will pay for Starbucks employees to get a college degree. Starbucks is doing this because without an educated workforce, nobody will be able to afford $10 for a cup of coffee.

This Date In History: 1756; British soldiers were thrown into the cell known as the "Black Hole of Calcutta." 1782; The Great Seal of the United States was adopted. 1819; The 320-ton Savannah became the first steamship to cross the Atlantic. 1837; Queen Victoria ascended the British throne.

1863; West Virginia became the 35th state in the United States. 1893; Lizzie Borden, accused of murdering her parents, was found innocent by a jury in New Bedford, Mass. 1967; Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.

Picture Of The Day: Mount St. Helens about 6 minutes before it erupted on that fateful day on May 18th, 1980. The ensuing explosion is shown below.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The way the economy is going, I'm pretty sure that in 20 years, Chinese parents will be saying, "Clean your plate, people in the US are starving." 2) Marriage is permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you. 3) One of my lady friends invited me to a gathering of clairvoyants but when we got there, it was canceled due to unforeseen events. 4) I know 5 people who are clinically insane. I'm two of them. 5) My blonde lady friend was worried that her mechanic was trying to rip her off but she was relieved when he told her all she needed was turn signal fluid.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeGemini - June 20th: This weekend will be good for you and chances are that you'll find that item that you really wanted on sale. Don't let some of the prices of other products daunt your search. You're just experiencing economic déjà vu, the feeling that you've been in these stores before and paid much lower prices!

Birthdays: My friend Jackie - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Jacques Offenbach, composer 1819, Lloyd Augustus Hall, chemist 1894, Lillian Hellman, American dramatist 1905, Audie Murphy, war hero and actor 1924, Olympia Dukakis, actress 1931, José Alexandre “Xanana” Gusmão, revolutionary leader 1946, Robert Rodriguez, filmmaker 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act". Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride!"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, continues. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where the milkman usually get bucked off!"

A man goes to his doctor's office and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have lettuce stuck up my ass!"

The doctor says, "Good grief! I'd better take a look." The doctor examines the man and says, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

Aogashima Island - Port of Sanpo

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. The man gasps, "Somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd and there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man. He says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

The little girl said, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher said, "That must have been scary."

The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, don't let maladies and ailments keep you down. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !