Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween - 2014 !

Halloween was fun for me as a kid, but it was also a lot of work. Not being overly endowed with money, it was an opportunity for we kids to stock up on enough candy for a month or two. I'm talking one or two large paper grocery bags of candy.

Costumes? No one bought costumes. We made our own. The options were to take an old sheet, cut two eye holes in it and be a ghost or take a fishing cork, burn it and use the smut to dirty and blacken our faces and be a hobo. Some of our more creative buddies might get a helmet and be a football player, but that was a bout it.

No one wore any creative masks. We would go down to the local Mom and Pop grocery store and buy a Lone Ranger mask. The mask usually lasted about thirty minutes before the elastic broke.

We covered a lot of ground on Halloween, not wasting any time doing foolish, time consuming pranks. We fill up the first candy bag, go home to put it the refrigerator and head out again with a second bag.

Hey, it was innocent times, we were creative kids and as they say, "opportunity only knocks once!"

The News As I See It: The man in charge of investigating the 2012 Secret Service prostitution scandal has quit after he himself was caught with a prostitute — which explains why President Obama just appointed an irony czar.

David Nieland, the man investigating the Secret Service prostitution scandal, was caught with a prostitute. I don't know what's more surprising — that they caught him with a prostitute, or that the Secret Service actually caught someone.

Joe Biden is scheduled to make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco next month to discuss foreign policy issues — while his advisers are learning how to say "We're sorry" in all three languages.

I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan.

A man in a Obama mask robbed a store recently. Police describe him as "armed and incapable of reforming immigration." After the Obama mask robbery, someone in a Hillary Clinton mask came in and promised to clean up the mess he left behind.

This Date In History: 1517; Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Palace church, marking the start of the Protestant Reformation in Germany. 1846; A heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

1864; Nevada became the 36th state. 1941; Work on the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. 1956; Rear Admiral G. J. Dufek became the first person to land an airplane at the South Pole.

1984; Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated. 1992; Pope John Paul II admitted that the Roman Catholic Church had erred in convicting Galileo of heresy 350 years earlier.

Picture Of The Day: The black cat is one of the symbols of Halloween that I dislike. Cats are cats and the come in all colors. My cat Samantha is black and she would be insane in any color. Kidding aside, I think it would be a good idea for cat (and dog) owners to keep your pets inside for Halloween. You can't be too safe in this crazy world.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Illiterate people don't get the full effect of alphabet soup. 2) Your "other car" is just as crummy as my "other car." 3) The economy is getting so bad that Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. 4) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at my retirement home. 5) The most exciting variety of sex is "rodeo sex". That's when you mount your woman from behind, grab her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear, "Your sister was better than you" and then try to hold on for 8 seconds.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - October 31st: Today doesn't look very promising but the good news is that report you were waiting for from your doctor is negative. Take life with a grain of salt a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. Chance of romance is 21.06 percent, so buy the big bottle of tequila.

Birthdays: My friends Cary, Paul and Randy - Happy Birthday 19XX, Jan Vermeer painter 1632, John Keats poet 1795, Juliette Gordon Low founder of the Girl Scouts of America 1860, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese Nationalist leader 1887, Dale Evans actor and singer 1912, Barbara Bel Geddes actress 1922, Michael Collins astronaut 1930, Dan Rather television journalist, writer 1931, Michael Landon actor 1936, John Candy actor 1950, Jane Pauley TV journalist 1950, Peter Jackson director 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" The older doctor replied, "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

The younger doctor said, "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"

Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."

Socrates went on, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates said, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was screwing his wife.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it and circled. He drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "You Are In A Helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

The fifth grade teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up. Akio said, "Patrick Henry, 1775." The teacher said, "Very good!"

The teacher continued, "Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher said, "Excellent! let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said, "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

The teacher angrily demanded, "Who said that? I want to know right now!" Little Akio put his hand up and said, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

That's it for today, my little goblins. Remember, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. I'm off to AREA 51 for the Halloween party.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Come Sit And Rest A Spell

Sometimes you have to take a step back, grab a beer, take a good look at the world and say "Screw it!". Responsibility dictates this attitude can only be adhered to in short spurts, but an occasional soul cleansing is good for one's health.

My way of escaping life's rush hour is to go fishing or head out to the woods and observe the earth's flora and fauna. It's always free of honking horns and the ever present dissertations, opinions and general ignorance of the public.

I've never caught a large mouth bass that I could prove was a democrat although the name itself is rather suggestive. In nature, neither the hawks nor doves that I have observed have shown any political affiliations.

Silence in nature is deafening and one has to re-tune one's ears to appreciate the chatter. Nature has it's own language and, once mastered, offers insights and a peaceful feeling that shutters out life's realities.

In Miami, we're fortunate to have both the Atlantic Ocean and, at the same time, the Florida Everglades. Both worlds are equally enjoyable to me and, more importantly, a time-to-time avenue of escape. Sometimes life's a beach.......

Obama gives Ebola patient Nina Pham a distant hug

A memo obtained by Fox News indicates the Obama administration has been considering allowing non-American Ebola patients into the U.S. for treatment – though a State Department official on Tuesday denied any such plans.

The document was obtained by Fox News from a Capitol Hill source, who said it is a memo prepared by the State Department. The top of the document is marked "sensitive but unclassified – predesicional (sic)."

The Obama administration is already denying and walking back this absurd notion and well they should. You start importing dangerous diseases and the masses will literally bring you down. Be careful what you do, Typhoid Barry !

The News As I See It: Halloween is just a few days away and the Obamas have invited children to go trick-or-treating at the White House on Friday. It will be fun until the Secret Service tackles a kid and says, "We finally got one. He’s dressed like a ninja turtle and tried to get in here."

New York City Mayor de Blasio said New Yorkers will not get Ebola from riding the subway. He said, “Let's focus on actual things you might catch on the subway. There's the SARS virus, bird flu, rat flu, West Nile, East Nile — plenty to choose from. Ebola's way down the list.” He sure makes New York City an attractive vacation destination.

The city of Detroit says it has come up with a plan that could finally get it out of bankruptcy. The plan involves Detroit getting on a bus and moving back with its parents in Ohio.

Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move, "Yeah just call me, I'll be around. It'll be fun."

This Date In History: 1682; William Penn arrived in Pennsylvania. 1787 Mozart's opera Don Giovanni debuted in Prague. 1923; The Republic of Turkey was proclaimed under Mustafa Kemal Ataturk. 1929; The New York Stock Exchange crashed on Black Tuesday, precipitating the Great Depression.

1956; Israel invaded the Egyptian Sinai Peninsula during the Suez Canal crisis. 1966; The National Organization for Women was founded. 1998; John Glenn, the first American to orbit the Earth, returned to space at age 77.

2004; European leaders signed the European Union's first constitution. 2012; Hurricane Sandy smashed into the eastern seaboard of the U.S., killing 117 people in the U.S. and 69 in Canada and the Caribbean. The storm caused about $50 billion in damage in the U.S.

Picture Of The Day: This picture was taken by local photographer, Oscar Lopez, who has an uncanny mastery over the camera and subject matter. It was taken at Matheson Hammock in Miami.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 2) And the Lord said to Peter. "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". But Peter came fifth, however, he did win a toaster. 3) Marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to "Until debt do us part". 4) You know you're from the South when you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 5) So I told her, don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - October 29th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .

Birthdays: My daughter Jeannie and my niece, Brittany - Happy Birthday Sweeties 19XX, James Boswell, diarist, author 1740, Jean Giraudoux, French novelist and dramatist 1882, Fanny Brice, American comedienne 1891, R. B. Kitaj, painter 1932, Richard Dreyfuss, actor 1947, Winona Ryder, actress 1971, Gabrielle Union, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer mumbles to himself, "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt."

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay", and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" The golfer replies, "definitely", and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I am the Devil and from this day forward you will have no sex life." The golfer replies, "Nice to meet you. I'm Father O'Malley!"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....."Go get your Mother."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation, "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jill continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it."

She continued, "He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. The word is: sternum."

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:

Enclosed please find a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Ace Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Ace Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Ace Costume Co.

That's it for today, my little sugar pops. Remember, if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking. I'm going to slide over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 27, 2014

They're Coming !

Halloween week begins today and some people begin wearing their costumes to work, especially Nancy Pelosi, who wears her costume year round. On Halloween night, these vampires, zombies, ghost, ghouls and goblins will knock on your door and make verbally veiled threats of tricks. Chances are, though, you can buy them off with a few pieces of candy.

We used to have Halloween parties when I was married, but I hate wearing costumes. My wife complained so much that eventually, I figured out a way to wear a costume without wearing a costume.

Since I like to dress in dark colors, I wore black pants and a black shirt and fashioned a white collar out of the box where I bought the shirt. I put on a grey suede jacket, et voila, "Father Jimmy."

This ruse proved rather useful after my divorce as I wore that costume to many Halloween parties and "saved" many females.

At one of our Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My ex-mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked "Where is the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

So, beware my little pumpkins. In the coming days, every slimy, low life will come out from under their respective rocks trying to entice you to give them something. These creepy bottom feeders will phrase their request in the form of a veiled threat, inferring that if you do not, something bad may happen.

Yes, my little goblins, voting day is November 2nd.

The News As I See It: Last Friday was United Nations Day. The U.N. Is the world's foremost institution for drafting strongly worded letters. Critics have accused the U.N. of being indecisive. To that, the U.N. replied, "Uh, not true."

In New York, a schoolteacher celebrated her 100th birthday. All of her students hid in the classroom and surprised her with a big party. They were hiding and they shouted, "Surprise!" May she rest in peace.

Actually, the 100-year-old teacher is fine. Today she was hired as a new reporter for "60 Minutes."

This Date In History: 1787; The first of the Federalist Papers, which called for the ratification of the U.S. Constitution, was published. 1904; New York City's first rapid transit subway, the IRT, opened.

1938; Du Pont announced that it would name its new synthetic yarn nylon. 1978; Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin were named winners of the Nobel Peace Prize for their work toward a Middle East accord.

1997; The Dow Jones industrial average fell 554.26 points, forcing the stock market to shut down. 2004; After an 86 year wait, the Boston Red Sox finally captured a World Series trophy.

Picture Of The Day: A lot of people like to dress up for Halloween as Michael Jackson. This is one of my favorite masks.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Decades have gone by and my parents still have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me "for safe keeping". 2) Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. 3) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 4) In politics, Deja Poo is described as the feeling that you've heard this shit before. 5) It is said that the only difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is one degree in the normal reading. Personally, I think the main difference would be in the taste.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - October 27th: Alas, the morning will be useless but buck up my friends, the evening will go very well. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming weekend, so prepare for wealth, love and the chance of romance is 87.63 percent.

You may think later this week that your computer has been hacked by your sexy 19 year old neighbor, Marie, but you will soon come to realize that actually, a ferret has chewed through the cord of your mouse.

Birthdays: My friends Kat and Valerie - Happy Birthday girls! 19XX, Erasmus, humanist 1466, James Cook, explorer and navigator 1728, Niccolò Paganini, violinist 1782, Isaac Singer, American inventor 1811, Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president of the United States 1858, Emily Post, etiquette authority 1873, Dylan Thomas, poet 1914, Roy Lichtenstein, painter 1923, Sylvia Plath, poet 1932, John Cleese, actor 1939, Maxine Hong Kingston, writer 1940, Roberto Benigni, actor and filmmaker 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent."

She went on, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas, although still silent, smells terribly." The doctor says, "Ok, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing."

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A completely drunk man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and placed his hand on her leg. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." The woman screamed, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The drunk muttered, "Hey, you even sound like her."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump today?" His son answered, "Well, we got up in the plane, the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" His father asked, "Is that when you jumped?"

His son said, "Not yet. Then, the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father asked, "So, that's when you jumped?" The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The father asked, "So, did you jump?"

The son said, "Not then." The son continued, " He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"

The son went on, "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"

The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a first."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember,if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 24, 2014

Why Did This Doctor Roam NYC Instead Of Self Isolation?

One would think that even the flower children, Doctors Without Borders, would be wise enough to self-quarantine after treating African Ebola cases, but one would be wrong. I'm fine with these do-gooders going abroad to aid poorer nations, but make sure you don't return with some new disease we aren't prepared to control.

Good intentions notwithstanding, Dr. Craig Spencer came back from Guinea and carelessly went about his way in lieu of self-isolation. Spencer was rushed to Bellevue Hospital Center and placed in isolation as investigators sought to retrace every step he had taken over the past several days. At least three people he had contact with in recent days have been placed in isolation.

Dr. Spencer, 33, had traveled on the A and L subway lines Wednesday night, visited a bowling alley in Williamsburg and then took a taxi back to Manhattan.

Meanwhile, at today's Congressional hearing, newly appointed Ebola czar Ron Klain was imvited to appear but was a no-show. In his absence, a few Republicans tweaked Obama for choosing Klain, a lawyer with managerial experience, over someone with expertise in medicine.

Rep. Trey Gowdy, R-South Carolina, asked, "Why in the world did the president pick a dadgum lawyer?", pointing out that Klain doesn't have a background in communicable disease, infectious disease or West Africa.

With the continuing problems with ISIS, Islamic terrorists and now, Ebola, my confidence in Obama and Congress contiues to erode.....

Ron Klain, Obama's new "Ebola czar",  is a sharp-elbowed Democratic political operative with no medical expertise. Tapping him as "Ebola czar" may not be Obama’s best move when, as it is, no one can believe a word the Obama administration says.

That’s not just because Mr. Klain is yet another lobbyist recruited despite Obama’s vow that his administration would shun lobbyists. Klain was also a central player in Obama’s Solyndra fraud, which soaked taxpayers for over half a billion dollars for the benefit of Obama cronies.

The News As I See It: A diet pill endorsed by Dr. Oz was found to be based on bogus scientific research. Yeah, people are shocked that you can't trust a TV doctor named after a lying wizard.

Speaking of lying lizards wizards, the annual Wastebook report was released this week. It's an annual report that lists what Senator Tom Coburn describes as wasteful government spending. Our government spent $387,000 giving rabbits a daily massage. That doesn't sound wasteful to me. That sounds adorable.

It's kind of ironic for a member of Congress to be complaining about government waste. I think we spend around $5 billion every year on Congress. We don't seem to be getting anything out of that. What we got is a report on how much money they waste.

Speaking of major expenditures, a new Starbucks drink is on the way. They will soon be offering a chestnut praline latte. It's hard to criticize the government for wasteful spending when we pay $7 for candy-flavored coffee twice a day. They say a chestnut praline latte is the perfect beverage to buy a rabbit after a relaxing massage.

Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the "Real Housewives of New Jersey."

Someone jumped the White House fence again. The problem is that if the pizza doesn't get to Obama in 30 minutes, it's free and that comes out of their paycheck. I think we could solve this fence jumping if someone would just give Joe Biden a key.

This Date In History: 1648; The treaties for the Peace of Westphalia were signed, ending the Thirty Years War, ultimately destroying the Holy Roman Empire, and ushering in the modern European state system.

1901; Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 1931; The George Washington Bridge, connecting New York and New Jersey, opened to traffic.

1939; Nylon stockings were sold publicly for the first time, in Wilmington, Delaware. 1940; The 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938. 1945; The United Nations officially came into being as its charter took effect.

1992; The Toronto Blue Jays became the first non-U.S. team to win the World Series. 2003; The last Concordes landed in London, ending supersonic air travel.

Picture Of The Day: The Facebook page of Dr. Craig Spencer prior to his trip to Guinea.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that my girlfriend got her hair highlighted because she felt some strands were more important than others. 2) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather.

3) Have you noticed the strange thing about men who hang out in bars a lot? It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there. They either have no wife to go home to...or they do. 4) A cop pulled me over in Miami and said, "Papers!" I said, "Scissors, I win", and drove away....ok, maybe not.

5) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop and red means you're holding an apple.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - October 24th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from Ikea.

You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. This may cause you to dam your flatulence so you can hear the really juicy part. Chances of romance are 62.05 percent unless your attempt at damming your flatulence fails.

Birthdays: Antony van Leeuwenhoek, zoologist 1632, Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood, lawyer, activist 1830, Moss Hart, dramatist 1904, Denise Levertov, poet 1923, George Crumb, composer 1929, F. Murray Abraham, actor 1939, Kevin Kline, actor 1948.

How safe do you feel with this chubster as "Ebola czar"?

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine..."

Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

They're coming.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-year-old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

A seventy-two-year-old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The seventy-five-year-old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse and at eight I shit like a cow." The other men ask, "So what's your problem?" The man replied, "I don't wake up until nine."

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." The nun said, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." The nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with a bewildered look on her face and said, "Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God! I'm coming!'" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we would have lost her."

That's it for today, my little prairie puppies. Remember, if you are not committing any sins, you're probably not having a lot of fun. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some karaoke.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !