Friday, November 28, 2014

Turkey Hangover?

So you're feeling bloated today, eh turkey breath? I told you to eat small portions of everything, but noooooo, you had to (excuse the expression) gobble it up. But fret not, take a couple of Rolaids and prepare for more holiday dinners including Christmas and New Year's Eve.

The St Louis Post-Dispatch reported that two men indicted last week on federal weapons charges allegedly had plans to bomb the Gateway Arch and to kill St. Louis County Prosecuting Attorney Robert McCulloch and Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson.

Sources close to the investigation were uncertain whether the men had the capability to carry out the plans, although the two allegedly did purchase what they thought was a pipe bomb in an undercover law enforcement sting.

The men wanted to acquire two more bombs, the sources said, but could not afford to do it until one suspect’s girlfriend’s Electronic Benefit Transfer Welfare card was replenished.

An indictment, with no mention of bombs or killings, was returned in federal court November 19th and unsealed Friday upon the arrest of Brandon Orlando Baldwin (above left) and Olajuwon Ali Davis. Their addresses and Baldwin’s age were not available; Davis is 22.

So, you see, kids, if you aspire to grow up to be a Blank Panther, you must at least get a G.E.D diploma so you can earn enough money to buy bombs without using your "ho's" Welfare card. I'd also recommend making out your will.

The News As I See It: OBama announced his new immigration plan. Obama's favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He's tired of all the work.

Facebook is showing no sign whatsoever that they will ever leave us alone. They're developing "Facebook at Work." We already have a Facebook for people at work. It's called Facebook.....

After Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that "Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet."

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament.

1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston. 1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II.

1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched—on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: This little guy doesn't have a turkey hangover. In fact, he's just a rare and playful White Lion cub.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally. 2) I set my DVR to record "The Biggest Loser" and it keeps recording the Miami Dolphins football games. 3) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 4) "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying my bills. 5) Life tip - Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 28th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with the one that attracts you.

Birthdays: John Bunyan author 1628, Friedrich Engels socialist 1820, Anton Rubinstein pianist, composer 1829, John Wesley Hyatt inventor 1837, Henry Bacon architect 1866, Berry Gordy, Jr. record company founder and executive 1929, Randy Newman singer, composer 1943, Ed Harris actor 1950, Jon Stewart TV personality 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

A grouchy old woman awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. She asked the doctor, "Why are all the damned blinds closed?"

The doctor responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Bill remembers that say when he ate too much of Monica's purkey

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her cell phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens intently as he lights a cigarette.

 In a cheery voice,she says, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye, see you Sunday."

She hangs up, and the man beside her asks asks, "Who was that?" She replies casually, "That was my husband telling me all about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.

She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator.

She said, "...and finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."

That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, you can't fight progress, but you can unplug a lot of it. Too much turkey! Once again, my trek to AREA 51 for happy hour is "iffy".

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Day

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I hope it's better than last year. Things were going great, everybody was joking and getting along. Then, I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.

I love Thanksgiving. It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to take one last look at their old cellphones before they buy the new ones on Black Friday.

Thanksgiving dinners take all day to prepare and are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. Coincidence?

They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving Day to start with the Christmas stuff.

The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Roasted Stuffed Turkey:

1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently.

Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.

The News As I See It: Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow. In fact, today, five turkeys from America showed up at the Mexican Embassy seeking asylum.

In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.

The traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 and soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.

After signing a contract for $325 million last week, Marlins player Giancarlo Stanton celebrated with a $20,000 bottle of Champagne. So let the road to inexplicable bankruptcy begin!

Police in Israel seized dozens of weapons that had been disguised as Christmas decorations. Israeli police became suspicious when they saw Christmas decorations.

This Date In History: 1789; The first national Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. was proclaimed by President George Washington. 1922; Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon became the first to enter the tomb of King Tutankhamen (Tut) since it was sealed in 1323 B.C.

1940; The Nazis began to force Warsaw's Jews to live in a walled ghetto. 1950; China entered the Korean War. 1975; Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson, was found guilty of trying to assassinate President Ford.

1998; Tony Blair became the first British prime minister to speak to the Irish parliament. 2000; Katherine Harris certified George W. Bush the winner in Florida's presidential balloting.

Picture Of The Day: Ok, I'm hungry now. Let's eat!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm celebrating this Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm inviting everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, then send them to a reservation and take their land. 2) A vegan friend of mine went missing so I put her picture on a soy milk carton.

3) Vegans with children named "Hunter" are one of the reasons I lie awake at night. 4) A portmanteau is when you combine two words to make one word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 5) My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died. Now, he votes Democrat.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 26th: Eat light this Thanksgiving because you know how you stuff yourself. This year, the fair thing to do is a flip a coin for the drumsticks. That elbow you gave to Granny last year is still in the back of her mind which means she's out to get you. Hey, at her age, she's got nothing to lose. Forget romance, you'll fall asleep before any chance arises.

Birthdays: My friend Sunny - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Eugene Ionesco, French playwright 1909, Charles Schulz cartoonist 1922.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young first grade boy, after learning the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

His father looked amusingly at his wife and replied (as he ducked), "That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard."

The Miami Dolphins football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." The turkey replied, "Forget the bonus. All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Martha had a parrot called Brutus, whose only problem was that he cursed something awful. Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due, Brutus began to curse, so Martha put him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey.

Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cussing?" Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said, "I sure have and you can rest assured it will never happen again. I do have one question, "What did the turkey do?"

A couple was shopping at the mall on Black Friday and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him were he was. In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store. He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet.

Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

That's it for today, my little gobblers. Remember, tonight is the time to call your family and friends to apologize in advance for all the things you’re going to say tomorrow when you're drinking. AREA 51 is a bit "iffy" this evening, but one never knows, do one?

Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, November 24, 2014

Today's Films - From Theater To Cable Within A Week

I don't go to movies, mainly because of the constantly poor selection of films, idiots who talk to the screen and the never ending ringing of cell phones. Truth be told, I haven't enjoyed theaters since I was a kid.

Few movies today are quality films and with the advent of new technologies, all movie makers do is throw in nudity, a few car chases and crashes, explosions and a zombie or two, and voila, there's your film. Add to the mix the overpriced garbage food, long lines and poorly lit parking areas and you have complete insanity.

Back in the day, many films were good mainly because of good scripts and actors. Any added special effects were of such poor quality that they actually detracted from the story line. The Japanese Godzilla movies, which were so poorly dubbed in English that they were comedic, are a prime example.

Although prices were always high for theater food, the movie going experience was pleasant. As kids, we could ride our bikes to the theater, leave them unlocked and return to find them still where we left them. The theaters were clean and the ushers were stern about talking and noise.

We could literally spend an entire Saturday at the theaters, complete with cartoons, Movie-Tone News, the weekly serial and the featured film. With only one theater within biking distance, we rarely looked in the newspaper to see what was playing. Much to my chagrin, that's how I saw the musicals "Carousel" and "Oklahoma".

With the advent of HBO and other cable programs, most movies are available within a year and for those in a hurry, pay-per-view or Netflix show most films within a month. Moreover, the comfort of one's own home, a recliner and reasonably priced food make the movie experience quite relaxing. For my money and patience, that's the only way to fly.....

The News As I See It: JetBlue is reducing leg room by 1.5 inches. Know why? Because so many passengers on JetBlue look around and say, it's so roomy in here! I feel so uncomfortable with all this space!

There will be no Kardashian family Christmas card this year because they couldn't decide on an appropriate photo. Uh, when did the word "appropriate" ever have anything to do with the Kardashians?

Vice President Joe Biden had a birthday last week. Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake and then he remembered it was his birthday.

Watching "Our Gang" (or the "Little Rascals") was one of my favorite film shorts.

This Date In History: 1642; Abel Tasman discovered Van Diemen's land, later renamed Tasmania. 1859 Darwin's Origin of Species was published. 1871; The National Rifle Association was incorporated.

1963; Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK's accused assassin, in the garage of Dallas police headquarters. 1971; D. B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Airlines flight with $200,000.

Picture Of The Day: The first three dimension film I saw was "The Creature From The Black Lagoon."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it. 2) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 3) If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you better hurry up. 4) I've never been skydiving, but once I zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast. 5) I sure will be happy when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes..... and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - November 24th: Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. The chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch are so remote so you might as well go home and eat ice cream until you get brain freeze. Remember, you can't become a pilot without a good altitude.

Birthdays: Baruch Spinoza, philosopher 1632, Junípero Serra, missionary 1713, Aleksandr Suvorov, field marshal 1729, Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States 1784, Frances Hodgson Burnett, author 1849, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painter and lithographer 1864, Scott Joplin, American ragtime pianist and composer 1868, Simon van der Meer, physical engineer 1925, William F. Buckley Jr., journalist and writer 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held and, at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, her husband cries out, "Watch out for that damned wall!"

 After setting out an elaborate dinner for two, the bellboy asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The man replied, "No, thank you. That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. The bellboy asked. "Would you like anything for your wife?" The man replied, "Yeah, that's a good idea. Bring me up a postcard."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

One of the other golfers said, "Oh my God, that must have been horrible!" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

An old man was asked by his wife to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the farmer's market and looked around but couldn't find any.

He grabbed an old employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at him and said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, when things are looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 21, 2014

Navin R. Johnson Is Alive and Well

The movie "The Jerk", begins with Navin R. Johnson (Steve Martin), a befuddled homeless simpleton, directly addressing the camera and telling his story. He is the adopted white son of black sharecroppers, who grows to adulthood naïvely unaware of his obvious adoption.

He stands out in his family not just because of his skin color, but also because of his utter lack of rhythm when his adopted family plays spirited blues music. One night, he hears the staid and starchy Roger Wolfe Kahn Orchestra song called "Crazy Rhythm" on the radio and his feet spontaneously begin to move with the urge to dance.

He sees this as a calling and decides to hitchhike to St. Louis, from where the song was broadcast. On the way, he stops at a motel, where a dog wakes him up by barking at his door. Navin thinks the dog is trying to warn of a fire and decides to name the dog "Lifesaver."

He wakes up the other hotel guests to rescue them, but when everyone realizes it was a false alarm, one of the guests angrily suggests he call the dog "Shithead," which Navin takes literally. He inspires a salesman to invent special glasses and eventually meets and marries a woman named Marie (Bernadette Peters).

The movie is a subtle, tongue-in-cheek comedy and is basically a "rags to riches to rags" story and Navin ends up broke. Navin is now alone and poor, living on the streets. His story now told, he resigns himself to a life of misery and memories without Marie. But to his joy and amazement, she suddenly appears, along with Navin's family, to take him home.

There's more good news: Having carefully invested the small sums of money he sent home throughout the film, his family have become wealthy themselves. They pick him up off the street, and he and Marie move back home into the Johnson's new house — a much larger but identical version of their old, small shack.

The story ends with the entire family dancing on the porch and singing "Pick a Bale of Cotton", with Navin dancing along, now having gained perfect rhythm.

I can relate to this story because there is a part in the movie where Navin becomes very excited when the new phone books arrive because his name is in it. This amused me at the time but I realized this very week that I look forward to Thursdays, when Publix Supermarket prints their new weekly ad.

Moreover, I'm relatively sure that I may have dated a woman strikingly similar to the intimidating daredevil biker chick named Patty Bernstein (Catlin Adams) with whom Nathan had a sexual relationship with, finally realizing what his "special purpose" was for. Fortunately, Johnnie Walker Black clouds my mind.

I guess there's a bit of Navin R. Johnson in all of us.

The News As I See It: Obama gave a speech on immigration last night and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from Obama now.

Fifty percent of the nation is covered in snow. Record low temperatures, a very cold autumn so far. But on the bright side, you're one good ice storm away from getting out of Thanksgiving with the in-laws.

Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo. But it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian's recent photo as "Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys."

Larry King and Jodie Foster both celebrated birthdays this week. birthday. King and Foster are very different, of course. One is a grizzled showbiz veteran who's bedded hundreds of women and the other one is Larry King.

This week was also the holiday known as National Day of Monaco. Monaco is independent, but they're defended by France. In other words, they're on their own.

I don't know if you know this but Hitler was a painter and one of his watercolor paintings is being auctioned off. It's expected to sell for over $60,000. So if you're looking for a wedding gift for Charles Manson....

Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

This Date In History:1783; With the Marquis d'Arlandes, Pilâtre de Rozier made the first free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 ft and traveling about 5 1/2 mi in 20 min. 1789; North Carolina became the 12th state.

1922; Georgia's Rebecca Felton was sworn into the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman U.S. Senator. 1934; Cole Porter's musical Anything Goes opened in New York City. 1969; For the first time since 1930, the U.S. Senate rejected a Supreme Court nominee, Clement Haynsworth.

1973; The 18 1/2 min gap in the Richard Nixon Watergate tapes was revealed. 1991; Egypt's Boutros Boutros-Ghali was chosen to become secretary-general by the UN Security Council.

Picture Of The Day: Navin R. Johnson and his adopted family.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've been holding my stomach in for about 3 years now, so don't talk to me about dedication. 2) I put peanut butter on both sides of my toast so that if the toast falls, I won't be disappointed. 3) She said that she was dying to have sex in the worst way, so I did her standing up in a hammock. 4) Two eyebrows are better than one. 5) I don't my burn bridges but I loosen the bolts a little each day.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 21st: Don't trust little birdies, most of them tell lies. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.

Birthdays: My sweet pal Tamara - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Voltaire, French Philosopher and Author whose name was François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 1694, Rene Magritte, painter 1898, Coleman Hawkins, jazz musician 1904, Stan Musial, baseball player 1920 Goldie Hawn, actress 1945, Beryl Bainbridge, writer 1953, Tina Brown, magazine publisher 1953, Björk singer, songwriter 1965, Troy Aikman, football player, TV commentator 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" The golfer replied, "It's John, and I'm ok, thanks."

Elizabeth said, "John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you turn the golf cart back over later." John answered, "That's mighty nice of you, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Elizabeth was very pretty and persuasive. She said, "Oh, come on!" John finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some "driving and putting" lessons, John thanked his hostess and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." Elizabeth said with a smile, "Don't be silly! She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" John said, "Under the golf cart!"

Mendel Rosenblatt was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. Mendel asked the doctor, "How can I get human milk?" The doctor said, "Well, Ethel Goldstein just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ethel's house for his daily feed. Ethel was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay suckling, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Rosenblatt, do you like it?" Mendel sighed, "Mmmm, wonderful." Ethel, her lips parted and eyes aglow, said hesitantly, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

Mendel replied, "As a matter of fact there is," Ruby asked breathlessly, "What?" Mendel licked his lips and said, "Maybe a biscuit?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting."

He continued, "Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?" His wife replied, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today, my little cupcakes. Remember, the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. Stick a fork in me, I'm done and heading for AREA 51.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Some Days Eye Just Don't Know

I am a night owl. I hate to get up early which is one of the reasons I own my company. Moreover, I hate any appointment that starts at 9 am. The only thing that could make things worse is a 9 am doctor's appointment. Et voila, le pièce de résistance.

I embarked on my 20 mile trek at the crack of 8:30, thus assuring a race against time for an appointment at which I knew that I would not be called until 9:45, unless I was late.

Unfortunately, the weather gods amused themselves by lowering the temperature down to a blustery 55 degrees, complemented by a cold, wet, brisk northern wind. Did I mention it was raining?

Joining the fun, my car heater decided to take fifteen minutes to get to a temperature which my teeth didn't chatter. Naturally, in my haste to get on the road, I was dressed only in a thin, long sleeved shirt which the wind blew through like a knife through butter.

The appointment was with an eye specialist or, quite frankly, I would have blown the whole thing off. The good news was that things went well. The bad news was that I drove home under the same conditions with the added burden of dilated eyes.

It could have been worse, I guess.....

The News As I See It: Miami Marlins outfielder Giancarlo Stanton has signed the biggest contract in American sports history, worth $325 million over 13 years. This is the first time a team's owner has been tested for drugs. What could possibly go A-Rod?

A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

Last week, a Florida woman and her 20-year-old daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital. I guess there’s nothing like giving birth to take the edge off becoming a grandma.

It's rumored that Kim Kardashian may buy a private island near Australia. Because if there's one thing she can't live without, it's her privacy.

Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend, who calls herself "Star." There you go, folks, another eHarmony success story.

This Date In History: 1703; A masked man held prisoner in the Bastille in Paris died. His true identity was the cause of much intrigue, and his story became the basis of literary works by François Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas.

1794; John Jay and Lord Grenville signed Jay's Treaty. 1863; Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

1977; Egyptian president Anwar Sadat became the first Arab leader to visit Israel. 1985; Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met for the first time in Geneva. 1990; Milli Vanilli's Grammy award was rescinded after it was discovered they didn't do their own singing.

Picture Of The Day: Fiery-eyed beauty.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. 2) Some circumstantial evidence is compelling, like finding a trout in your milk. 3) The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. 4) In order to fly on an airplane, I must be filled up with Johnny Walker Black at the same time as the airplane is filled with aviation fuel. 5) A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeScorpio - November 19th: Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" when there is not a treeful nearby may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Try to avoid reading dusty old books that call themselves "tomes." Chance of romance is 35.91 percent.

Birthdays: James A. Garfield 20th American President 1831, Billy Sunday evangelist 1862, Indira Gandhi political leader 1917, Larry King TV personality 1933, Yuan T. Lee chemist 1936, Ted Turner business executive 1938, Calvin Klein fashion designer 1942, Eileen Collins astronaut 1956, Allison Janney actor 1960, Meg Ryan actress 1961, Jodie Foster actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."

The blonde said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blonde leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke."

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink.

The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

 A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff.

Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde replies, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, women like silent men; they think they're listening. I;m off to AREA 51 - See you there!

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !