Monday, November 30, 2015

Hialeah Speedway 10th Reunion

Saturday night was full of fond memories as I attended the Hialeah Speedway 10th Reunion with my pal and Hall of Fame inductee Skip Gibson. It was great to see Nascar greats Bobby and Donnie Allison along with many past champions and racers.

For those of you who do not follow Nascar Racing, Donnie Allison and brother Bobby are the featured pugilists in a fight that occurred on the last lap of the 1979 Daytona 500.

Donnie was leading on the final lap when Cale Yarborough dropped low in an attempt to "slingshot" past Donnie. Naturally, Donnie tried to block him, the cars got together and wrecked, allowing Richard Petty to go by and win the race.

Afterwards, Donnie and Cale had words and Cale got into a fight with Bobby, who had pulled up to make sure Donnie was ok. The melee was on and later, Bobby was interviewed about the fight. Bobby said, "Cale balled up his face and hit me right in the fist with it."

The Hialeah Speedway Reunion was a collage of old friends many of whom I have known since the fifties. In particular, it was great to see former modified champions Bobby Brack and Pee Wee Griffin, along with racers Marty Handshaw, Buck Gibbs, Teddy Barnwell, Buddy Ryan, Robert Hamke and so many racing greats from the past.

Hall of Fame inductees Dan O'Connell (L) and my pal Skip Gibson.

I would be remiss if I was not to mention the many ladies who also attended including Pat Allison, Judy Allison, Patricia Brack, Joyce Handshaw, Janet Little, Frances Mills, and of course, Dianne Gibson.

It would be virtually impossible for me to name everyone who attended as I knew and/or have seen almost everyone in attendance. I apologize to those that I overlooked.

It was especially great to see my old friend Richard Bowser, along with Kenny and Donald Economy, Bruce Allen Griffin, his brother Butch Griffin and emcee Steven Brack.

(L-R) Bobby Allison, Robert Hamke and Donnie Allison

Kudos to the people who worked hard to put this event together. They did a fine job.

I wish I would have gotten more pictures but between shooting the bull with old friends and the fact that my camera is harder to figure out after three drinks prevented any chance of that happening.
Hall of Fame champion Bobby Brack (L) and Alan Carter, accepting the Hall of Fame induction for his father, champion racer Alan "Rags" Carter. 

The News As I See It: I continue to hear Barry Obama mention the 65 nation coalition against ISIS. I certainly would like to see a list of these nations.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. 1966; Barbados became independent of Great Britain.

1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia. 1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed.

1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland. 2004; Ken Jennings ended his 74-game winning spree on the game show, Jeopardy!

Picture Of The Day: My long time pal and Hall of Fame inductee, Skip Gibson

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck thugs. 2) I was considering remarrying the woman I divorced many years ago, but she said I was only after my money. 3) I asked my pharmacist to cut my Viagra pills into four quarters. He said he could do it, but 1/4 of a pill would not work. I told him, "That's ok. I just need enough so I that don't pee on my shoes." 4) Unsure about birth control? Watch my kids for 10 minutes.  5) I like to sit next to a stranger on a park bench, hand over an envelope with a random person's picture, whisper "It has to look like an accident" and walk away..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 30th: Google is about to take over your life - play responsibly. Your lucky horse for today is Sombrero's Lid. I'm told he's a sure thing, but I've been told that before. Just bet $2 across the board.

Some people seem to take the question "how stupid can you be?" as a personal challenge. Avoid that pitfall. As a matter of fact, avoid all pitfalls.

Birthdays: Jonathan Swift, author 1667, Mark Twain, writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, Soldier, and Author  1874, L. M. Montgomery, novelist 1874, Gordon Parks, photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm, congresswoman 1924, Dick Clark, TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott, filmmaker 1937, David Mamet, playwright 1947, Ben Stiller, actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert, actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. The counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age.

The old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

A student nurse found an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Since hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged, she brought the man a wheelchair. although he insisted he didn't any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him. He answered, "I don't know. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

(L-R) Racing champions Pee Wee Griffin, Bobby Allison, Miss Hialeah Speedway (?) and Donnie Allison

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks, "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks, "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands.

He says, "Who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. The psychiatrist then asks, "And who here has made love with a ghost?"

One little man in the back row puts up his hand. The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says, "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh no! I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat'."

In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin.

They also found 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, what doesn't kill you, forces me to reload.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, November 27, 2015

The Day After.....

The popular myth that eating turkey makes you sleepy is untrue. Turkey isn't any more sleep-inducing than other foods. In fact, consuming large amounts of carbohydrates and alcohol may be the real cause of a post-Thanksgiving-meal snooze.

Turkey does contain the amino acid tryptophan, which forms the basis of brain chemicals that make people tired. But, the fact is that turkey contains less trytophan than most poultry. 

Black Friday was been a piece of cake today. After checking my finances, I immediately set out this morning and found no lines at the gas station, 7-11 or Publix. I was so emboldened by the lack of crowds and lines, I almost headed over to the dollar store, but I quickly came to my senses and decided to call it a day.

The Center for Disease Control has warned that although the Swine Flu is prevalent, the Bird Flu is rampant as well. Symptoms of Bird Flu are: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

The News As I See It: In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, "Close enough!"

This Date In History: 1852; Lord Byron's daughter Ada died. She had assisted Charles Babbage with his "analytical engine" and is credited with inventing computer language. 1895; Alfred Nobel signed his last will, which established the Nobel Prize.

1910; New York's Pennsylvania Station opened. 1953; Playwright Eugene O'Neill died in Boston at age 65. 1970; Pope Paul VI was attacked at the Manila airport by a Bolivian painter disguised as a priest.

1973; Gerald R. Ford was confirmed by the Senate to become vice president, succeeding Spiro T. Agnew. 2003; President Bush secretly flew to Iraq to spend Thanksgiving with the troops.

Picture Of The Day: There's no way I would put up with that without an AK-47.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friends named their dog Carpenter, because he did little odd jobs around the house. 2) There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 3) Remember to refrain from talking to characters on the movie screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 4) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I don't remember who wrote that. 5) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states: "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 27th: Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Changing your love life can be done with pies, tarts and unleavened bread. However, I find that it's easier to forget eating that crap and go out and find love in the bars that you usually frequent.

Birthdays: Anders Celsius astronomer 1701, Charles A. Beard historian 1874, Chaim Weizmann scientist and Zionist leader 1874, James Agee writer 1909, Alexander Dubček statesman 1921, Alexander Haig, American General, Secretary of State 1924, Bruce Lee martial-arts actor 1940, Jimi Hendrix rock musician, guitarist 1942, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12! Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her.

Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!"

The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam. Now we're just haggling over the price."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Ethel continued, "Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, a study found that women have better memories than men. Also, a study found that women have better memories than men. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow and I thank the armed forces members who defend this nation and the police and firefighters who are there for us in the time of emergencies. Take the time to thank a soldier, firefighter or policeman who work on Thanksgiving.

I wish all my readers and friends a very Happy Thanksgiving in this time of sharing.

The News As I See It: This Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been revealed that the grocery store labels on the turkey mean very little. Fresh, young, natural....... Meaningless!

Apparently fresh turkey just means it's not fully frozen. Young turkey means they weren't allowed to die of old age and wild turkey means you're too drunk to care.

The point is it seems like the only ones you can trust these days are the good people at Butterball. They're all about helping you understand your turkey.

In fact, Butterball's been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981. Every year, the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not been able to save one turkey's life.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War.

1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams. 1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten." 1986; Iran-Contra scandal broke.

1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I read an article listing five ways to prevent divorce. "Don't get married" wasn't on there. Neither was "murder." Stupid article..... 2) Back in the day, I went to meet my daughter's kindergarten teacher. Her name was Miss Cox. I wasn't mature enough to handle the situation. 3) Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics. 4) Did you "ask" her or "axe" her? Seriously, because one is murder. 5) I'm single with no kids. I don't answer to anyone. "Meow......meow!" ..... Okay! Okay! I'm opening the tuna now! Please don't shred the toilet paper again!.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 25th: Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. "Head Lice!" is not something to be screamed in terror at the local bus stop. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room while the "adults" discuss your situation. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it.

Birthdays: Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropist 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jin, modern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, professional baseball player 1914, Ricardo Montalban, actor 1920, John Larroquette, actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr. publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name. She replied. "Carmen." The guy said, "That’s a beautiful name. Who named you?" She answered, "I named myself."

The guy said, "That’s interesting. Why Carmen?" Carmen said, "Because I like cars and I like men." Looking directly into his eyes she asked, "So what’s your name?" He replied, "Beertits."

A man walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got a great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The man replies, "Okay, I’ll tell it slowly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the surface over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....., the store manager sees her and unplugs the electric horse.

Tom bought a new Ford truck. He returned it to the dealer the next day because he couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

The technician said to the radio, "Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" The technician said, "Willie!" and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

Tom drove away happy and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven", he'd get beautiful classical music and if he said, "Beatles", he'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed Tom's new truck, but Tom swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!" Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

That's it for today, my little turkey gobblers. Remember, spiders are nature's reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a Happy Thanksgiving and more on Friday.

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Monday, November 23, 2015

Getting Ready For Thanksgiving

I went to Publix today thinking it wouldn't be too crowded. Wrong, turkey breath! It doesn't matter because I celebrate Thanksgiving the old way. I invite my neighbors, have dinner, then put them on reservations and take their land.

Preparing for Thanksgiving has always had a special place in my heart. I can still remember the day I shot my first turkey. It scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section.

Yes, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving but I won't be cooking. This year I'll be emitting strong hints as to my availability as someone's (anyone's) special guest.

But either way, I'm a survivor and if push comes to shove, I make a mean turkey sandwich......

Congratulations to Kyle Bush on winning the Homestead-Miami 400 and the Sprint Cup Series Championship.   

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton, In an interview with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, said that her biggest guilty pleasure is chocolate. Then it got awkward when she winked at Michael Strahan.

Jeb Bush hired a speech coach, and some people say his speeches are starting to get better. Unfortunately, no one can teach him to stop saying "Huacamole."

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam.

1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003; Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: The duck looks strangely familiar

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cell phones have two brightness settings: "Dim" and "The messiah is back." 2) I knew that psychic wasn't credible when she let me write her a check. 3) The easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder".  4) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my own business is disturbing to other Target guests. 5) "We have nothing to fear but fear itself", said people who have never seen a flying cockroach.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - 23rd: People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "I'm needy" is probably not what they had in mind. You can freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door, but it's probably a bad idea.

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus actor, singer 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

His wife asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." So they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband asks, "What do you think you're doing?"

His wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love." Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of half the price."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn’t doing well at all.

After checking the bull’s vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence and mounting every cow in his way. The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer ruefully smiled and replied, Yep, now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta go catch him!"

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, to err is human, to eh is Canadian.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, November 20, 2015

Who Will Be The Nascar Champion This Weekend?

This weekend is the Nascar championships at Homestead-Miami Speedway with all three titles on the line. The four finalists racing for the crown are Kyle Bush, Jeff Gordon, Kevin Harvick and Martin Truax, all of whom can win the race.

The Xfinity championship race will be run on Saturday afternoon and the Camping World Truch championship will be decided later tonight.

For Nascar fans, this is not news, but for those of you who have never been to or seen a race, this weekend will be exciting.

For example, two of the favorites who were contending for the championship did not reach the final four due to on track wrecks in previous races, ostentibly caused by each other.

In the Texas race, Joey Logano (#22) was chasing Matt Kennseth (#20). Kennseth was blocking (which is legal) when Logano decided that he had enough and knocked Kennseth out of the race.

The following week, Kennseth had a racing crash with Logano team member Brad Kezelowski, thus eliminating any chance Kennseth had to earn enough points to continue in the championship.

After repairs to Matt Kenseth's car in the pits, Matt came back on the track and a few laps later, he put Joey Logano into the wall, paying him back for his actions at Texas and virtually eleminating Logano from the championship. Karma !

The News As I See It: In his recent interview with GQ, Obama said that he'd like to own an NBA team after he leaves the White House. You'll know it's Obama's team when it takes the players five years to pass something.

Hillary Clinton recently decided to make her MySpace page "private" so people can no longer see some of her old campaign ads. When somebody told her she can just delete it, Hillary said, "I’m not fallin' for that again!"

Bobby Jindal announced that he is dropping out of the race for president. I guess that after talking it over with family and friends, he realized that even they didn't know he was running for president.

Bernie Sanders will deliver a speech tomorrow, which pundits say will seek to clarify his identity as a Democratic socialist. He’ll explain that "Democratic" means he believes everyone should have an equal say, and "socialist" means he’s not getting elected.

Radio Shack just announced they will be celebrating Black Friday on Wednesday. Mostly because Radio Shack’s worried they won’t be around on Friday.

This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico, Porfirio Diaz.

1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nuremberg, Germany. 1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh.

1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000 Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.

Picture Of The Day: The Sprint Cup Trophy will belong to one of the four contenders in Sunday's Championship race.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Every time my girlfriend stays over, we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs the bed while I'm on the side hanging on for dear life. 2) It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee on parked car tires. 3) I read that four years after pregnancy, thirty-eight percent of all moms still were not drinking. I think it's safe to say this survey was not done on Facebook. 4) My girlfriend told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator. 5) There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I replaced out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 20th: Be aware that all lines are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like roller coasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns. So even though everyone appears to be in love with the same person and you see yourself as being at the back of that line, it might be a blessing.

Birthdays: Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903, Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, Former Attorney General 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, American ambassador 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

After a week, she walks out of the hospital and is killed crossing the street by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years?!" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil. Satan asks, "Why so glum?" The guy says, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here."

Satan says, "You a drinking man?" The guy says, "Sure, I love to drink." Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, you name it. We drink until we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." The guy says,"That sounds great!"

Satan asks, "You a smoker?" The guy replies, "You better believe it." Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Wednesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead." The guy says, "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble" The guy answers, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, because Thursdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." The guy says, "Cool! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"

Satan asks, "Are you gay?" The guy replies, "No..." Satan says, "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here, and I love it. But I don't understand."

He continued, "If my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."

A seven-year-old and a fuve-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The fuve-year-old nods his head in approval. The seven-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The five-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, then runs upstairs crying his eyes out, his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the five-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The five-year-old blubbers, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to shoot marsh mellows at the hoops. Personally, I'd preface that action by sending her a cocktail first. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !