Monday, February 29, 2016

The Academy Awards And Personal Politics Don't Mix Well

The Academy Awards started off as expected with host Chris Rock calling the Academy "racists" for not nominating any Black actors for two years. I feel the same way every time I watch a basketball game. Oscar nominations or making a basketball team are based on ability, not politics.

You cannot legislate preparedness or ability, the first being based on hard work and the latter, innate. Yet, if you watch any local or national television news station, you'll find that affirmative action is alive and well with many Black anchors and reporters.

As for Chris Rock, during his Black rant, he managed to insult Asians by bringing up three Asian children while joking about Asians being good at math (the three children were introduced as Price, Waterhouse, Coopers accountants with Asian- and Jewish-sounding names), but ended with Rock saying onstage, "If anybody's upset about that joke, just tweet about it on your phone, which was also made by these kids." The audience reaction was silence.

There are plenty of talented actors and television personalities of all races, creeds and religion who deserve their positions. Like cream rising to the top, recognition comes sooner rather than later.

As for the awards themselves, I tuned out after Chris Rock's monologue. The Awards are becoming too political to pay attention for three plus hours.

I was pleased to learn that Leonardo DiCaprio finally walked away with an Oscar for his dedicated turn in "The Revenant." Brie Larson continued to sweep award season for her incredible performance in "Room." Best Picture honors went to "Spotlight."

The Academy passed over sentimental favorite Sylvester Stallone who was nominated as best supporting actor in "Creed". Personally, his only movie I ever liked was "Rocky". which spawned a tedium of "Rocky" sequels, ad nauseum.

All said, if you missed the Oscar Awards last night, from what I've read, you didn't miss much. Methinks Chris Rock wont be hosting the Oscar Awards for some time to come.....
Alicia Vikander accepts the award for the best actress in a supporting role for "The Danish Girl."

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton, in a recent interview, said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was skinning fish in Alaska, as opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun.

The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, "Even we can't put out that many fires."

This Date In History: 46 b.c.: The first Leap Day proclaimed by Julius Caesar. 1692; Three women, Sarah Goode, Sarah Osborne, and Tituba, were the first to be accused of witchcraft in Salem, Mass. 1796; George Washington proclaimed Jay's Treaty in effect.

1940; Hattie McDaniel became the first black woman to win an Oscar. She won the Best Supporting Actress award for her role as Mammy in Gone with the Wind. 1944; General Douglas MacArthur led the invasion of the Admiralty Islands.

1960; Hugh Hefner opened the first Playboy Club in Chicago. 1968; Robert McNamara resigned as Secretary of Defense in the wake of the Tet offensive. 1972; Hank Aaron became the first baseball player to sign a $200,000 a year contract.

Picture Of The Day: Brie Larson won the best actress award for her role in "Room".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. 2) If I ever get another cat, I'm going to name him Mandu. 3) Always keep several "get well" cards on your mantel. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean. 4) I've always wondered why Japanese Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5) How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 29th: Walk without worn out shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the sole. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from Ikea.

Birthdays: Ann Lee, religious visionary 1736, Gioacchino Rossini, Italian Composer 1792, Herman Hollerith, inventor 1860, Antonio Sabato Jr, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. An old drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I just love ballerinas."

The woman stares at the drunk and replies angrily, "I'm not a ballerina!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk and stopped within inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" The doctor replied, "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

That's it for today, my little hamburglars. Remember, unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

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Friday, February 26, 2016

CNN GOP Debate: A Food Fight And A Bimbo Screamer

In last night's Republican debate, CNN moderators appeared to be attempting to herd cats while the the candidates resorted to name calling and rhetoric. The whole affair reminded me of a Barnum and Bailey three ring circus.

Of course, that's what CNN all out food fight. They have poor ratings and they needed to pump it up. The Spanish language television Telemundo also aired the debate, but that's redundant as we already mention poor ratings.

While Rubio performed well, his tendency to repeat himself stood out this morning as he appeared on all the networks using his new found term "Con man" (referring to Trump).

One of the most annoying things of the night came from what the media is now referring to as, "the screamer". Some obviously planted Rubio bimbo let out a blood curdling scream every time Rubio said something. I'm surprised she didn't throw her panties on the stage.

As for the conversations over political donations, there are few business people who have not donated to both parties and/or opposing candidates, Why? Because you don't know who will win and donations provide inroads that could help their businesses.

While all candidates have their rehearsed rhetoric, most business people want to know how the candidate's election will affect his or her business.

Probably the most important Friday headline is that New Jersey Governor Chris Christi announced his endorsement for Donald Trump. Bottom line? Ted Cruz needs to win big in Texas and Marco Rubio needs to win Florida.....

The News As I See It: Hasbro announced they are making a new version of Monopoly to appeal to a younger generation. That means it won't come with any cash, so you'll have to borrow some from your parents' Monopoly set.

Whole Foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo parlors in their grocery stores. Even so, the people walking out of Whole Foods with the biggest sense of regret will still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple.

O.J. Simpson, when asked about Cuba Gooding Jr.’s portrayal of him, said he’s "not tall enough and his head is too small." Simpson then said, "Also, he didn't kill my wife."

Wealthy GOP donors are now lining up behind Marco Rubio. Not because the donors think he can stop Trump, but because they think Rubio is the valet.

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon Bonaparte escaped from exile on the island of Elba. 1870; A 312-ft long pneumatic subway was opened in New York City; funding for a larger version never materialized. 1901; Leaders of the Boxer Uprising in China, Chi-hsui and Hsu Cheng-yu, were beheaded.

1919; Grand Canyon National Park was established. 1935; RADAR (Radio Detection and Ranging) was first demonstrated by Robert Watson-Watt. 1993; A bomb exploded at the World Trade Center in New York. The blast killed six people and injured more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: The remaining Republican candidates.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. 2) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers can still be a great source of protein. 3) About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 4) The city of Chicago got started when a bunch of people in New York said, "You know, I'm enjoying the crime, poverty and high taxes, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." 5) I hope I'm the last guy on earth - I want to see if all those women were lying to me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 26th: Wake up in a trash container again this morning? Don't let your drinking get you down. Go out and have a beer. You have many more good years ahead of you. Today will be much better and even if you do wake up in the trash bin again, the food will be fresher.

Birthdays: Victor Hugo, writer 1802, Levi Strauss, entrepreneur, inventor 1829, Buffalo Bill Cody, American plainsman 1846, John Harvey Kellogg, surgeon, advocate of dietary reform 1852,  Johnny Cash, singer 1932, Jenny Thompson, swimmer 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In the Olympic trials heat for the 200 meter Olympic women's breaststroke, eight women entered the race. After approximately 2 minutes and 10 seconds, the swimmer from Australia won the race. 5 seconds later, the swimmer from France was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 40 minutes later, Rose, the blonde American swimmer finally completed the race. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the breaststroke race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago."

The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison." The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

That's it for today, my little bluebirds. Remember, men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Meet Zach - Samantha's New Cousin

Congrats to my sweet Sandra on her adoption of Zach, her new furry friend. Sandra patiently waited until she could provide a good home. Moreover, Zach's adoption provides automatic membership in The Scalawags, which may or may not be of use, but we all have black cats.

Samantha has not been told yet as she feels her Aunt Sandra belongs solely to her. I'll explain everything to her later this evening. I can't interrupt her right now. She's watching, "Little Mouse on The Prairie."

Zach is slowly adjusting to his new Mom and surroundings and I'm assuming he likes game shows as he has already left Sandra a parting gift. Litterbox 101 is his next priority.

I'm happy that Sandra finally has Zach. She'll take good care of him and i'm sure Zach will be good for her.

So, for all of my fantastic furry pet parents, this story is for you, as well.

The News As I See It: Obama has unveiled his plan to finally shut down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure no one ever goes in there again, Obama is handing it over to the people who run Radio Shack.

Hillary Clinton recently visited the set of the hit ABC show "Scandal." Is that really the show you should be visiting right now? Why not drop by the set of "I Did Nothing Wrong," or maybe "There Was Nothing Illegal in Those Emails!"

Apple is fighting back against critics and says it has no "sympathy for terrorists" despite refusing FBI orders to unlock private iPhone data. In fact, Apple hates terrorists so much, it’s releasing a new U2 album just for them.

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury v. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void. 1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain.

1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives. 1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed.

1920; Adolf Hitler outlined the basic points of the Nazi party at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich. 1968; The discovery of a pulsar was announced. 1980; The U.S. hockey team defeated Finland to win the gold medal at the Lake Placid Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: I would be remiss (and possibly scratched) if I did not include a picture of the queen of my house, Samantha.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In the Hawaiian language, they say it takes over five words to say "I love you." All it takes for me is a pineapple and fifty dollars. 2) The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 3) There's a new organization called A.A.A.A.A. - it's for drunks who drive. 4) Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society ~ Mark Twain. This does not apply to women ~ Jimmy Sullivan.  5) Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never seen one who suffered from insomnia.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 24th: Now that you're finally getting over your weekend antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat.

Birthdays: Winslow Homer, American painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After hiring a beautiful new maid, a man was asked by his wife, "Did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?"

Her husband replied, "Well, I asked for one, but it's an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out."

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

John said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

The woman says, "Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes...I'm a hooker."

John was quiet for a moment, then he replied, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-through."

Two guys from New Orleans were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, political correctness is a useless theorem that allows the few to endanger the many. It is only applicable when being polite to ugly babies, men and women. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Monday, February 22, 2016

Heading To Margaritaville

Today is Margarita Day. I have no idea who comes up with these ideas, but I figure if part of the plan involves the imbibing of spirits, how bad can it be? Although my drink is scotch, I have been known to stray other spirits.

Another of my go-to drinks is vodka. My experiences with both beverages gives me the ability to gauge my senses and know when to slow down.

Tequila and Jack Daniels whisky have that certain "je ne sais quoi" that sometimes leads one into attempting things that are highly improbable. While I will not go into detail as to those "improbable things", it suffices to say that the rare times that I have tried were mostly failures.

The few missions that were successful, however, are the ones fondly remembered and, for that reason, sometimes lead one to make other attempts with modified plans.

Lastly, if you choose to try a margarita or two this evening, my advice is to sip it slowly and, by all means, avoid eating the worm.....

The News As I See It: Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is getting the support of students at Hillary Clinton's alma mater, Wellesley College. Now Hillary Clinton is trying to get the support of Bernie's alma mater, Jurassic Park.

Pope Francis stated that he did not think that Donald Trump is a true Christian because of Trump's beliefs on immigration. I know you're thinking there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

This Date In History: 1371; Robert II succeeded to the throne of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty. 1819; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1879; Frank Winfield Woolworth opened his first "Five Cent Store" in Utica, New York.

1924; Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential radio broadcast from the White House. 1935; Airplanes were no longer permitted to fly over the White House. 1980; In a major upset, the U.S. Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviets 4–3 at Lake Placid, N.Y.

Picture Of The Day: The London Bar, which is set within luxury hotel The London NYC, has debuted its signature drink, the "Billionaire Margarita." According to the hotel, the "Billionaire Margarita" features premium ingredients including Patrón en Lalique Serie 1 and Louis XIII and it comes with a price tag of $1,200.

The London NYC’s director of Food and Beverage, Jayson Goldstein, is the mastermind behind the "Billionaire Margarita." He revealed that the lavish drink will only be offered as the Patrón en Lalique Serie 1 is available. "With only 500 bottles of the spirit produced, once it’s gone – it’s gone."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've been trying to figure out why is there is an expiration date on sour cream. 2) You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 3) A friend asked what I thought about foreign affairs. I told him, "I don't know, I never had one." 4) I have no tattoos or body piercings, however I do have several scars from bite marks. 5) There is an Internet warning issued by the Department of Homeland Security. If you get an email titled, "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," Don't open it! It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 22nd: You are in for a surprise visit this week and this time they won't have a subpoena. Tidy up your home and it wouldn't hurt to work a bit on yourself as well. The surprise visitor may be bearing gifts. Make sure they're not Greek.....

Birthdays: George Washington, first American President 1732, Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 1788, James Russell Lowell,  poet, critic, and editor 1819, Edna St. Vincent Millay, poet 1892, Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator 1932, Jonathan Demme, director, producer, screenwriter 1944, Julius Erving, basketball player 1950, Drew Barrymore, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.

She asked, "What do you think?" Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" Her husband replied, "Better get a bikini. You'd never get it all in one."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes, but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole.

One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there and tell those two to hurry up!" He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he returns to his friend.

His friend asks, "What's wrong?" his friend asks. "I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress." His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them." He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there, he too returns to his friend. He tells his friend, "Small world..."

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

That's it for today, my little meerkats. Remember, if you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

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Friday, February 19, 2016

Where's The Sweet-n-low, Mom?

My mother was the greatest! She was my nurse, my teacher and my confidant. She ran interference when Dad was looking for his belt, yet was wise enough to let Dad use it when it was deserved. But in Mom's later years, pilfering sweet-n-low became her hobby.

When I first started to notice Mom's habit, I also realized that many of the seniors were doing the same thing. As one who always takes a handful of napkins out of Burger King, I am not the person to judge, but Mom had pilfering sweet-n-low down to a science.

Every Saturday morning after my father's passing, hangover or not, I picked her up and took her to a little deli not far from Century Village for breakfast. Back in the day, breakfast was $6.34 for the two of us, plus tip every time. The price became so common that I actually began playing the numbers on Cash Three and won a number of times.

Mom always enjoyed her breakfast and during the meal, she would begin putting Sweet-n-low packs in her purse, carefully leaving two or three packs in the bowl so that operation went smoothly. I honestly had fun watching mom pull off her "weekly heist."

Afterwards, I would take her grocery shopping at Publix and I tried a few times to buy her a carton of the product but she wouldn't have it. "Save your money", she would say, "I've got plenty at home."

Later on in life, I learned that a lot of older people, mostly women, were also sweet-n-low absconders. A restaurant owner told me that they were aware of the "crimes" and always added a few pennies to cover the cost, while letting the seniors enjoy their games.

It's The Daytona 500 weekend and there will be NASCAR racing all weekend. If you've never watched 40 cars go around a 2.5 mile high bank track at nearly 200 miles per hour for 500 miles, this would be the race to watch. It should be exciting!

Chase Elliot, son of NASCAR champion, Bill Elliot, will start from the pole position in Sunday's race.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, "Must be nice."

After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary's team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist.

The big decision for Sanders will be picking a vice president. It's important because whoever he chooses is just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States.

IKEA is being accused of evading over $1 billion in taxes. Prosecutors have actually been after IKEA for years. They've just been having a hard time putting their case together.

Pope Francis scolded a crowd in Mexico this week after people excited to touch him accidentally made him fall. Even the devil was like, "Oh you all messed up now."

When asked about Donald Trump, Pope Francis said that people who build walls are not Christians. And Donald said, "Of course I'm a Christian. Do you know how many carpenters named Jesus I have working for me?"

This Date In History: 1674; The Netherlands and England signed the Peace of Westminster, by which New Amsterdam passed to the English (and was renamed New York). 1807; Aaron Burr, vice president under Thomas Jefferson, was arrested for treason. He was later acquitted.

1878; Thomas Edison patented the gramophone (phonograph). 1942; President Franklin Roosevelt signed an executive order that resulted in the internment of thousands of Japanese-Americans living on the West Coast.

1945; The U.S. Marines went ashore at Iwo Jima. 1959; Britain, Turkey, and Greece signed the agreement granting Cyprus independence. 1968; The first nationwide broadcast of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood aired on PBS.

1997; Deng Xiaoping, Chinese Communist leader, died. 2008; Fidel Castro resigned as President of Cuba after 49 years in power. Raúl Castro, Fidel's brother, succeeded him as president.

Picture Of The Day: Now, truthfully, Look at my Mom. Is this the face of a woman, a mother of three children, who would pifer Sweet-N-Low from a restaurant? You bet your ass it is.....! 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn't have done this without you. 2) When I was six years old, I played "doctor" with the girl next door. I am still a practicing physician. 3) All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default color settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 4) On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper. 5) I'm not saying that she was ugly. I'm just saying I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 19th: This day is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas...! The prices will continue to rise. Chances for romance are 67 percent and even higher if you've got gas.... from the gas station.... Oh, you know what I mean!

Birthdays: Nicholas Copernicus, Polish Astronomer 1473, David Garrick, actor and dramatist 1717, Eddie Arcaro, jockey 1916, Carson McCullers, novelist 1917, Lee Marvin, actor 1924, Smokey Robinson, singer 1940, Amy Tan, novelist 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A beautiful woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive older man standing alone. She approached him and said, " Hi, my name's Carmen."

The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?" The woman said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" The man replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

During my first marriage, our parents advised us to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife still got pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Aside from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

That's it for today, my little hush puppies. Remember, when decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !