Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Coping With A Growing Kitten

Scooter is now an obnoxious teenager and eats or destroys everything he encounters. Yet, once he tires, he always sits wherever I am, curls up, purrs and takes a nap. When he does, Sam and I nap, as well. It's the only peace we get.

When he awakens, his first trek is to the food dish and then off for his wind sprints around the house, He cares not who (or what) he runs over, he just has fun. Sam hisses and I yell, but to no avail.

Besides breaking glasses and dishes, Scooter also managed to chew through the cable of my web cam, rendering it useless. I got it as a gift from a Nascar executive and, although it isn't very expensive, it worked well.

It won't be long, however, for his visit to the vet to be neutered. Although I'm hoping that this slows him down a bit, previous vet trips with different cats show me that it won't slow him down too much.

Until then, the house will remain in disarray and Sam and I will still be frustrated.....

The News As I See It: Pope Francis met with Mark Zuckerberg at the Vatican, and it was revealed that the Pope doesn’t actually have an official Facebook account. In other words, he wants to connect with millions of Catholics worldwide, just not the ones he went to high school with.

Anthony Weiner is back in the news with another sexting scandal. He's like the Michael Phelps of sexting. He keeps saying he's going to retire, but every four years he's back.

This November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail.

Kim Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate the successful test of North Korea's ballistic missile. Residents described the party as fun, exciting, and mandatory.

This Date In History: 1887 Thomas Edison received a patent for his "Kinetoscope," and moving pictures were born. 1888 Mary Ann Nicholls, considered to be Jack the Ripper's first victim, was found murdered in London. 1962 Trinidad and Tobago gained independence from Great Britain. 1980 Poland's Solidarity labor movement had its beginnings when an agreement ending a 17-day strike was signed in Gdansk. 1994 Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltic states. 1997 Princess Diana and her companion Dodi al-Fayed were killed in a car accident in Paris. 2012 Armenia severed diplomatic relations with Hungary, after the pardoning of Ramil Safarov. In 2004, Safarov was convicted of killing an Armenian soldier.

Picture Of The Day: The kitten has grown.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Have you ever noticed that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and blaming it on society? 2) Kentucky Hallmark Card: "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad." 3) You know your choice of your HMO is questionable when directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park". 4) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "Having a good time. Where am I?" 5) If I take the Ginko, I might be able to remember where I put the Viagra.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 31st: The stars are aligned for you today and if you ever enjoyed the antics of "Soupy Sales", you're in for a treat. Additionally, it's "hump day" so you've got two good reasons to have a great evening. Chance of romance is 64.71 percent. Do not attempt to fry bacon in the nude.

Birthdays: Georg Jensen, silversmith 1866 Wilhelmina, queen 1880 Alan Jay Lerner, lyricist and librettist 1918 Van Morrison, singer, songwriter 1945 Itzhak Perlman, concert violinist 1945 Richard Gere, actor 1949

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asks, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?"

She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs: "While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg band and I wanted to tell you that it tasted like shit."

The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."

Thieves robbed and bound a Miami man yesterday. They gagged him with a piece of rope and covered his eyes with masking tape. He was able to chew through the rope after two hours of trying. His inspiration came from remembering his wife's pot roast.

That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 29, 2016

Weiner's In A Vise Again

Life has a way of slapping down arrogant, big-mouthed, blowhards and putting them in their place. When the true character of Anthony Weiner and Debbie Wasserman Schultz were finally exposed, I was ecstatic. Weiner is in trouble again and his wife has left him.

His wife, Huma Abedin, herself also a center of controversy, is off campaigning for former secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, the New York Post reported that the disgraced ex-congressman Weiner has been sexting another woman — at one point posting a raunchy selfie with his 4-year-old son in the background.

The Post published the selfie, which shows Weiner wearing only white boxer briefs. His son is lying next to him in a green blanket. The tabloid also shared screenshots of the pair's exchanges, which began in late January 2015 after Weiner direct messaged her on Twitter. Their conversations continued through earlier this month.

Once again, fate returns to take a moron like Weiner down a peg or two and put the sick bastard in his place. He must be very proud.....

The obnoxious and arrogant Debbie Wasserman Schultz was forced out and dumped as DNC chairman 

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton received her first official intelligence briefing as a candidate. Officials told Hillary about threats to U.S. cyber security such as Russia, China and her.

After lying to Rio police, Ryan Lochte has been summoned to Rio to testify. In accordance with the Brazilian Constitution, he has the right to a fair and Speedo trial.

Astronomers at NASA are saying that they discovered a new Earth-like planet that's only 4.2 light years away. I know, I reacted the exact same way as you did. I don't know how far that is either.

This Date In History: 1533; Atahualpa, the last ruler of the Incas, was murdered as Francisco Pizarro completed his conquest of Peru. 1786; Shays's rebellion, an insurrection of Massachusetts farmers against the state government, began.

1842; The Treaty of Nanking was signed, ending the Opium Wars and ceding the island of Hong Kong to Britain. 1877; Brigham Young died in Salt Lake City, Utah. 1949; The U.S.S.R. tested their first atomic bomb.

1957; Strom Thurmond ended the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history. He spoke for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill; the bill passed. 1966; The Beatles played their last major live concert at Candlestick Park, California.

1991; The Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution.

2005; Hurricane Katrina slammed into the U.S. Gulf Coast, destroying beachfront towns in Mississippi and Louisiana, displacing a million people, and killing more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: Gene Wilder, who regularly stole the show in such comedic gems as “The Producers,” “Blazing Saddles,” “Young Frankenstein,” “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” and “Stir Crazy,” died today at his home of complications from Alzheimer’s disease. He was 83.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dogs lick each other's asses to tell each other they like them - just like politicians. 2) America needs Obamacare like Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Nancy Pelosi need a Halloween mask. 3) In politics, Deja Poo is described as the feeling that you've heard this crap before. 4) As kids, we all used to skinny dip. Nowadays, most of us just chunky dunk. 5) It is said that the only difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is one degree in the normal reading. Personally, I think the main difference would be in the taste.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 29th: Take the proverbial bull by the horns and make this day a good one. Don't fear Mondays as they are only the first step towards the weekend. Chance of romance is 57.76 percent. Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Birthdays: Jean Auguste Ingres, painter 1780, Ingrid Bergman, actress 1915, Charlie Parker, musician 1920, Dinah Washington, singer 1924, Slobodan Milosevic, political leader 1941, Michael Jackson, pop musician 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"

Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine...

Two old guys were chatting. One said to the other, "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV". The other guy responded, "Wow, that's amazing. Imagine, an SUV!! What a great gift!" The first guy said, "Yep...socks, underwear and Viagra!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The middle aged woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

He thinks, "This is my lucky day" and gives it his all on the kitchen table. He says afterward, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken."

A couple of movie critics were discussing old movies and wondered whatever happened to Tarzan. So they decided to look for him and ask him a few questions.

Finally, they located him, and one of the critics asked "Tarzan how come we haven't seen you in a movie in a long time?" Tarzan said, "Well, I've had a bad case of arthritis and I can't swim any more or jump from branch to branch."

The critic asked, "What about Jane, Tarzan?" Tarzan said, "Jane is in really bad shape. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am anymore."

The second critic said, "What a shame. What can you tell us about your son Boy?" Tarzan said, "Well, we don't see much of Boy lately. He stopped going to school and he only comes around to see us when he needs money or a favor."

The first critic said, "That's sad, Tarzan. What about Cheetah? Have you heard anything about her?" Tarzan replied, "Oh Cheetah. She's really doing well. She married a lawyer and is now living at the White House."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 26, 2016

The Spicoli Syndrome: Hollywood Political Views

Movie studios make about 600 movies a year. A few are good, most are garbage. Yet, they spout their liberal views and most conservatives get blacklisted if they disagree. Hollywood should concentrate on making a decent movie, not politics.

Every new movie ad is replete with guns, zombies, explosions, car crashes and, more importantly, the certainty of a mindless plot (id est, young people will love it). 

Toyota and General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly.....The End. Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about:

Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

The News As I See It: Jennifer Lawrence was just named the world’s highest paid actress, bringing in $46 million last year before taxes. Yep, she narrowly beat out the world’s second highest paid actress...Hillary Clinton.

According to Hillary’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted.

Experts say Hillary’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies and just run out the clock. By the way, that also happens to be Hillary Clinton’s marital strategy.

Donald Trump first came out with guns blazing, saying he's going to kick all the Mexicans out, he's going to build a wall to keep them from coming back in. Last night during a town hall on Fox News he said he could be softening, which is normal, it happens to a lot of men his age.

Trump is not only reaching out to the Hispanic vote, he's been reaching out to the black community. He says he loves African-Americans. In fact, some of his best credit cards are black.

Journalists have tried contacting Hillary about this damaging email development. Unfortunately, they keep getting auto-replies that say, "Sorry, I am out of the Oval Office until January."

Olympian Ryan Lochte lost all four of his endorsement deals following his Rio robbery scandal. In fact he’s so desperate for money, he’s actually considering robbing a gas station.

An ex-NFL quarterback was arrested after being found naked with meth and marijuana. In other words, he’s back in the NFL.

This Date In History: 1847; Liberia was proclaimed an independent republic. 1920; The 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote went into effect.

1939; The first televised major league baseball game was televised: a double-header between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Cincinnati Reds.

1974; Aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to fly solo, nonstop across the Atlantic, died. 1978; John Paul I became Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. He died one month later.

Picture Of The Day: Transparency.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) She hated my mixed-tape back in college. Last month, she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode. 2) The real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. 4 3) My new answering service recording: "Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 30 minute flute solo." 4) I get high before I get my drivers license picture taken. That way, I look normal if I'm pulled over. 5) It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, "trophy wife" has become rather ambiguous.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope:Virgo - August 26th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, chemist 1743, Peggy Guggenheim, art patron and collector 1898, Albert Sabin, physician and microbiologist 1906, Mother Teresa, Roman Catholic missionary 1910, Julio Cortázar, writer 1914, Macaulay Culkin, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little replied, "Then you ask him."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a leak, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out."

The 75-year-old said, "Heck, that's nothing. Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The 80-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse and at 8:30 I crap like there's no tomorrow."

One of the younger man said, "That's great, then you have no problems." The 80-year-old replied, "Yes, I do! I don't wake up 'til eleven."

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?" The Angel replied, "Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

That's it for today, my little pet rocks. Remember, everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. The pending possible hurricane notwithstanding, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Where Is "Warshington" Located?

I've given up hope for those who say "nucular", "jewelery" or "realator". Those who begin a new thought with the word "so" have destroyed my faith in English as a spoken language. Word manglers insist on inserting an "r" in the word "Washington".

I usually overlook most mispronunciations as I am occasionally corrected by others, as well. But when someone can pronounce "pokemon" perfectly yet screw up other words in the same sentence, my patience grows short.

Conjugation? Forget about it. I am usually happy if the person with whom I am conversing can conjugate the verb "to be". Most people can carry on a rather intelligent conversation. Those who skipped high school English usually go on to Warshington, D.C.

The News As I See It: Congratulations to Team USA for winning over 100 medals! The most of any country, and my condolences to everyone who is behind them at airport security.

In an interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer, Ryan Lochte apologized for his "immature behavior." I don’t know if Lochte meant it, because he answered Lauer’s next question by responding, "Homo says what?"

Obama and the first family returned Sunday from their summer vacation in Martha's Vineyard only to find the locks had been changed.

McDonald’s has decided to remove fitness trackers from their Happy Meals. Apparently, many customers thought McDonald’s was just making fun of them.

This Date In History: 1305; Scottish leader and national hero, William Wallace, was executed in London. 1914; Japan declared war on Germany in World War I. 1926; Silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.

1927; Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were executed for the murders of two men during a 1920 robbery, despite worldwide protests. 1939; Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a non-aggression treaty. 

Picture Of The Day: Food for thought.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 2) (Clerk): "May I take your order?" ( Me): "Yeah, lemme get a Whopper and a large Dr Pepper." (Clerk:) "Sir, This is Wallgreens" (Me): "OK, make it a bottle of Xanax and some Pringles...."

3) Remember ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 4) (Big Toe): "Hey, he just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?" (Brain): "Wait 2 seconds....." 5) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 23rd: Romance is definitely in the air this month, although you may find it clouded by other emotions or possibly, smells. You will finally understand why birds suddenly appear every time your lady friend walks near. I'm talking sardines here, people.....!

Birthdays: Louis XVI, king of France (1774–92) 1754, Arnold Toynbee, economist 1852, Edgar Lee Masters, writer 1868, Gene Kelly, dancer 1912, Shelley Long, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!"

She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

Don't drink and drive! Last year, I went out with a few friends. After several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing." The priest asked, "What do they say?" The woman says, "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" The priest says, "That's obscene!"

Then he thought for a moment. He said,"You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship. Your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." The woman says. "Thank you, this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered !!!"

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" Socrates replied, "Wait! Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually I just heard about it." Socrates asked, "So you don't really know if it's true or not."

Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" The man replied, "No, on the contrary..."

Socrates interrupted, "So you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" The man stammered, "Well, not really..."

Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing his wife.

That's it for today, my little cup cakes. Remember, the correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost.

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More soon.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 19, 2016

Nascar Night Racing At Bristol Motor Speedway

Bedlam...chaos. It's about the only way you can describe 40 cars racing around a banked, half mile track at high speed for 500 laps. It's been compared to fighter jets flying in a gymnasium. Fender rubbing, crashes, every man for himself short track racing.

The infinity series will race tonight, a prelude to tomorrow night's 500 lap race. But don't let the word "prelude" fool you. Tonight's race will be just as intense as tomorrow night's race and I guarantee you that every driver in tomorrow night's race will be watching how the cars handle.

The track has been changed a bit as the inside groove has been recondition to encourage more racing on the bottom. So, every driver will be going to school on the changes.

Because of the Rio Olympics, tonight's race will be televised on the USA channel at 7:30 pm and tomorrow night's race will be on NBCSN at 8 pm. If you've never seen Nascar short track racing, this weekend will be a great time to watch.

The heaviest element known to science is Congressarium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

There are two types on Congressarium. One has has a half-life of two years and the other has a half life of six years. It slowly decays but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

The News As I See It: According to a new study, millennials are having significantly less sex than previous generations. It seems logical to me. With the morons running around trying to catch Pokémon, I'm shocked they aren't getting any action.

This Date In History: 1812; The U.S. frigate Constitution, Old Ironsides, defeated the British ship Guerriere during the War of 1812. 1934; Germans voted to make Adolf Hitler Fuhrer

1960; American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was convicted of espionage in Moscow. 1977; Comedian Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles at age 86.

2003; U.N. special representative Sergio Vieira de Mello was one of 22 killed when a suicide car bomb struck the UN's Baghdad headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: The night will be exciting.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When most men get married, they learn that they had thousands of faults they didn't even know about. 2) When a man and a woman are having sex and they finish at the same exact time, is it wrong to say, "Jinx, you owe me a coke?" 3) My friend asked me that if he was going to make a parachute jump, how high should he be? I told him three days of steady drinking ought to do it.

4) Many chose the path less traveled, but most of them are mainly just lost. 5) The principle differences between a philosophy student, an engineering student and a liberal arts student is that the philosophy student asks, "Why?", the engineering student asks, "How?" and the liberal arts student asks, "Do you want fries with that?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 19th: Avoid all sexy language until after your lunch break. Remember that love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, by the time you get to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.

Birthdays: John Dryden, poet, dramatist, and critic 1631, Orville Wright, aviation pioneer 1871, Coco Chanel, fashion designer 1883, Ogden Nash, poet 1902, Malcolm Forbes, publisher 1919, Willie Shoemaker, jockey 1931, William Jefferson Clinton William, 42nd President of the United States 1946,  Matthew Perry, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. He says, "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force."

He continued, "I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these two fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them and I shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this moment, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" The pilot says, "That's true, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let's have a cup of coffee, then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

A man was eating lunch with his 10-year-old Granddaughter and he asked her, "How are you doing in school?" The little girl said, "I'm doing great. We're learning about the new holiday, "President Obama Day" that occurs on June 1st.

Her grandfather said, "President's Day is in February. What does President Obama Day mean?" She replied, "I know. We've studied the February date, but this is a new holiday. President Obama Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we will have one more year of unemployment."

That's it for today, my little teddy bears. Remember, there is nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !