Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Dr. Phil's Answer To Inner Peace

I don't watch Dr. Phil because he's a moron but he recently said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things you have started. So, I finished off a bottle of scotch, a bag of Cheetos and some left-over pizza. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

The News As I See It: Green Party candidate, Jill Stein, was escorted off the Hofstra University campus Monday afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of Monday’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, "Don’t you know who I am?" and they said, "No. No one does."

Facebook is expanding its campaign to combat online hate speech. In other words, Facebook is shutting down.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego. 1781; The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began. 1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal."

1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days. 1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany and the USSR. 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia.

1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. 1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first African-American tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: The first presidential debate has both parties claiming victory. I saw it as a draw. As for the moderator, NBC's Lester Holt, I found him biased towards Hilary Clinton.

The moderator's job is not an easy task, nevertheless is bias was obvious. Although Holt is a registered republican, it's easy to see why he works for the liberal NBC.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A woman once told me that her philosophy about life was that if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 2) By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane. 3) You know you're addicted to the Internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 4) Why did World War II Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 5) Last night, I forgot to turn on the oven. The food was in there for 45 minutes. I know, because I set the timer.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 28th: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Most of this sentence comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscopes. Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today.

Birthdays: Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter 1573,(?) Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot, actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham". The speech therapist said, "That's no use, Trevor. Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley"... The therapist said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London". The speech therapist said, "Brilliant, Paddy!" and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "--d--d--d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.

Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home, he apologized to his wife, "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

His wife yelled, "You think you've had a bad day? You think you've had a bad day? The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Tyrone was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?" Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, if it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, September 26, 2016

Let The Rock Throwing Begin

In the final hours before tonight's first 2016 presidential debate, hype reigns supreme with talk of Hillary inviting Trump arch enemy Mark Cuban and Trump threatening to counter with Bill Clinton admitted paramour, Gennifer Flowers.

Arguments about whether Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump or Democratic rival Hillary Clinton would do better on substance or style. Of course, this was overshadowed when Hillary announced she would invite Trump arch enemy Mark Cuban and give him a front row seat, ostensibly to anger Trump.

Hillary's lame efforts were overshadowed when Trump countered,  suggesting that he’d invite Gennifer Flowers, with whom Clinton’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, has acknowledged having a sexual encounter.

Clinton's podium will feature a customized step stool to compensate for the 10-inch height advantage held by the 6-foot-3 Donald Trump, a maneuver that could boost the optics for the Democratic nominee.

As to Flowers, GOP vice-presidential nominee Mike Pence told "Fox News Sunday" that Trump was merely mocking the Clinton campaign for confirming that Trump nemesis-entrepreneur Mark Cuban was indeed invited to a front-row seat at the Hofstra University debate.

He argued the campaign was really trying to "distract attention from where the American people are going to be focused" which is picking a president to chart the future of America.

So, there you have it, my little politicos, the debate has not even begun and the candidates are already throwing rocks.

On A Sad Note: Arnold Palmer, one of the world's greatest golfers  died Sunday in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Palmer died Sunday afternoon of complications from heart problems. Palmer was admitted to the hospital Thursday for some cardiovascular work and weakened over the last few days. He was 87 years old. Rest in peace, Arnie.

The News As I See It: A White House email account was hacked and a lot of their information was leaked yesterday. They're saying the information was stolen from the Gmail account of a low-level staffer. Then Joe Biden was like, "Technically, my title is vice president."

Mark Zuckerberg's wife, Priscilla, says their 10-month-old daughter won't be allowed to sign up for Facebook until she's 13 because she has to follow the rules. That's so sweet that she thinks teens will still be into Facebook in 13 years.

New data finds that more Americans are bringing their own lunch to work every day. This is evidenced by the inside of the break room microwave that looks like a triple homicide just took place.

This Date In History: 1789; Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's first Secretary of State. 1820; Frontiersman, Daniel Boone, died in Missouri. 1914 The Federal Trade Commission was established.

1950; United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans. 1960; Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate. 1986; William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.

Picture Of The Day: There's Something About Mary Gennifer.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather. 2) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop and red means you're holding an apple. 3) All my Internet passwords are protected by amnesia. 4) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 5) "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying my bills.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 26th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .

Birthdays: John Chapman, American pioneer, more familiarly known as Johnny Appleseed 1774, Ivan Pavlov, experimental psychologist 1849, T. S. Eliot,  poet 1888, Martin Heidegger, philosopher 1889, George Gershwin, composer 1898, Christine Todd Whitman, public official 1946, Olivia Newton-John, singer 1948, Serena Williams, tennis player 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties. The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me."

The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me." Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head. The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper." The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement.

The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."

The Head Gardner at the White House was fired. after 28 years of service. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service. In an interview outside the back gate of the White House, the elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

He said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?" and the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"

That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, always buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift.

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Friday, September 23, 2016

The Presidential Debate

One hundred million households will view the presidential debate Monday night. Amusingly, social media will light up like a Christmas tree. I don't know which is scarier. The candidates are somewhat enlightened, but half of social media are whackadoodles.

NBC's Lester Holt will moderate the first debate. While NBC is notoriously liberal, Lester Holt is a professional and hopefully conduct a non-biased debate. Recent criticism of Matt Lauer's handling of the Clinton-Trump forum notwithstanding, my hopes that Holt and future moderators will not be affected by biased public opinion and will do a good job.

Nevertheless, Monday night should be very interesting and I look forward to the debate.

Lester Holt

The News As I See It: Yahoo announced that at least 500 million user accounts have been hacked, which would be one of the biggest cyber security breaches ever. They got information from 500 million people who are still inexplicably using Yahoo.

Mike Pence, Donald Trump’s running mate, said that his role model for the vice presidency is Dick Cheney. To prove it, this weekend Pence had six heart attacks and shot his friend in the face.

Everybody’s talking about these leaked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell. In one, he actually called Dick Cheney an idiot. Cheney was very hurt. In fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart.

Recent polling has shown that Hillary Clinton’s lead over Donald Trump has almost totally disappeared and the candidates are basically tied. They’re neck and neck. Well, for Trump it’s the neck. For Hillary, it’s more like a gizzard thing.

A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s "right to die" law.

A man is getting barmitzv’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised.

This Date In History: 1779; John Paul Jones declared, "I have not yet begun to fight!" aboard the American warship Bonhomme Richard in the battle against the British man-of-war Serapis. 1806; After a three-year journey to the Pacific Northwest, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis.

1846; German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune. 1939; Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, died in London. 1952; Vice presidential candidate Richard Nixon delivered his "Checkers speech" rebutting charges of improper campaign financing.

1973; Former Argentine president Juan Perón returned to power. 2011; Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas officially requests a bid for statehood at the UN Security Council. 

Picture Of The Day: The Clintons at their finest.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I joined a health club last year, spent 400 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 2) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I rip off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out. 3) If you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles. 4) I had to quit taking iron supplements when I used Viagra. Every time I got an erection, I pointed north.  5) You know you're from the South when you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 20th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: Euripides, Greek tragic dramatist, ranking with Aeschylus and Sophocles 480 or 485 B.C,, Mickey Rooney, actor 1920, John Coltrane, jazz musician 1926, Ray Charles, musician 1930, Bruce Springsteen, singer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

Tyrone goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Tyrone gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Tyrone replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Tyrone's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Tyrone's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Tyrone how is your hearing now?" Tyrone replies, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Little Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "I'll go right now."

So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras. She asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "I'd love to little lady, but my wife's waiting for me up in the room."

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Friday, September 16, 2016

How Do Some Morons Become Congress Members?

In a TV interview, a Congresswoman said, "That's hyperbole". She pronounced it: "hyper bowl". A tip for politicians and some reporters: If you mispronounce the word, you usually don't use it and/or don't know it's meaning. I still cringe at "New-kew-lar" (nuclear).

And who can forget the brilliant Nancy Pelosi who she said on national television, "But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy."

How Congressional districts are formed and reformed is usually a partisan endeavor. In most cases, a state’s district lines--for both state legislative and congressional districts--are redrawn by the state legislature, and the majority party controls the process. Some states require bi-partisan or non-partisan commissions to oversee the line-drawing.

However, the state governor and majority party leaders often control who is appointed to these commissions. At the local level, city council presidents and/or council members usually oversee the redistricting process. Some states are moving toward involving citizens in the redistricting process and creating truly independent redistricting commissions.

Gerrymandering is a practice intended to establish a political advantage for a particular party or group by manipulating district boundaries.

With all of these continuing changes, some representatives squeeze through the cracks with little or no ability to do the job. Therein lies the problem, hence "hyper bowl".

There are many common words that people just absolutely destroy, two of which that drive me up a wall are: "Jew-le-ry" (jewelry) and "Real-a-tor"(realtor). I'm sure my readers have your own verbal thorns that aggravate you.

There are many words that: a) I don't know the meaning or b) I do not pronounce the word correctly. I always appreciate when I'm corrected because that's how one learns and expands one's vocabulary.

There are those who say words because they're just stubborn or holier-than-thou. A prime example is Obama who still chooses to use the acronym ISIL while the entire world refers to the same group as ISIS. Yet he is still unable to say "Muslim Terrorists". Go figure. I guess he figures it will make his family angry, but I digress. Sic' em !

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women’s Health magazine. Next month she’ll be featured in "Bad Timing" magazine.

The upcoming movie about Obama during his college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. The title should be: "Back To The Future 2017: Obama Returns To His Chicago Ghetto Days."

Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Publix and never look back.

Donald Trump decided to clear the air and reveal the results of a recent physical, on "The Dr. Oz Show." It's an interesting move. Like for Donald Trump, you know, sure, Dr. Oz is a respected doctor — you know, in the same way that Dr. Dre is a respected doctor.

This Date In History: 1630; The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston. 1810; Mexico began its revolt against Spanish rule. 1908; General Motors was founded by William C. Durant.

1919; The American Legion was incorporated by an act of Congress. 1940; The United States first adopted peacetime conscription when President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act into law.

1974; President Ford announced conditional amnesty for Vietnam War deserters and draft evaders. 197u5; Papua New Guinea became independent. 1982; Lebanese Christians massacred hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut.

1987; The Montreal Protocol was signed by 25 nations, limiting production of substances that harm the ozone layer. To date, 197 nations have ratified the protocol.

Picture Of The Day: I'm an adorable deplorable.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If my arms are full of papers, boxes or books, don't bother opening the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a cripple and opening doors is good training in case I should ever be injured. 2) I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was probably just the Mace. 3) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-girlfriend and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a bitch. 4) The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. 5) The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 16th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: James Jerome Hill, railroad builder 1838, Albrecht Kossel, physiologist 1853, Jean Arp, sculptor, painter 1887, Allen Funt, radio and television producer 1914, Lauren Bacall, actress 1924, Charlie Byrd, jazz guitarist 1925, B. B. King, guitarist 1925,

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching FOX News, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

The coach thinks, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect Arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!" The old woman says, "I don't want to talk to you, You are not my son!" The young man pleads"I don't think you understand, Mother," The young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

His mother tells him, "No! Let me tell you! At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!"

When Jesus died and went up to Heaven, the first thing he did was to look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looked like. He looked high and low but could not find him.

He asked St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter said he didn't know. He asked the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel didn't know. He asked John the Baptist, "Where is my father?" But John did not know.

So he wandered Heaven, impatiently searching for years. One day, he saw out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man was very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus yelled, "Who are you?" The old man said,"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus was very curious. Could this be his father?

Jesus said, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man said, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." Jesus screams, "Father!" The old man yelled, "Pinocchio!"

That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember, one of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Keep Your Conversation To Yourself

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the plane proceeded to take off, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.She started talking in a loud voice, "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the plane. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

She continued, "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

The Obama administration is behind a plan that would have the U.S. government relinquish its last bit of control over the Internet – a move Republican lawmakers are fighting tooth-and-nail.

The transfer was set in motion two years ago when a Commerce Department agency said it would cede oversight over an obscure, but powerful, Los Angeles-based nonprofit called the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN).

This is real folks and I'm not too happy about it. We need new blood in the White House. One who will keep what belongs to America in America

The News As I See It: There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary's recent bout of pneumonia. Her doctors say she’s doing well and she’ll be up and deleting emails in no time.

The big season premiere of "Dancing With the Stars" premiered and at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, "They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!"

Fashion Week is in full swing in New York City. During one interview, Kendall Jenner made the comment that Hillary Clinton might look good in a jumpsuit. If they ever find those emails, it’ll be an orange jumpsuit."

Some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. He is at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. Yep, just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models. This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She ruined this for them. She took his wing man away.

During the Rams vs 49ers NFL game, a fan that ran onto the field had more rushing yards than the entire Rams offense. The guy got arrested. Now that we know he can run and has a criminal record, so he’s perfect for the NFL.

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.

1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: Things are going swimmingly.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always wear a wet suit and goggles when I go to Miami Beach to party so I don't look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning. 2) I coached my son's baseball team because it's important that he knows I swear at other kids, too. 3) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 4) A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse says to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"  5) When I was six years old, I played "doctor" with the girl next door. I am still a practicing physician.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 13th: Mondays are a pain and Wednesdays are hump days, but you've got a job and that's what's important. That bachelor of arts degree you have will move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager soon. Chances of romance are 91.5 percent. Visualize using your turn signal.

Birthdays: Milton Hershey,  chocolatier, philanthropist 1857, Walter Reed, American army surgeon 1851, John J. Pershing, army officer 1860, Arnold Schoenberg, composer 1874, Sherwood Anderson, novelist 1876, J. B. Priestley, author 1894, Claudette Colbert, movie actress 1903, Bill Monroe, bluegrass musician 1911, Roald Dahl, writer 1916.  

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me."

He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for..."

Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." Her husband said, "Watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Mother Superior passed two young novices and said, "Good morning, ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me." Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

That's it for today, my little tumbleweeds. Remember, the one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !