Friday, December 23, 2016

Let's Be Naughty And Spare Santa The Trip

Tomorrow, Santa begins his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his naughty and nice list, so I won't be one of his stops. But there's still hope for you, my little sleigh belles. If he doesn't stop by your house either, he didn't hear anything from me.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Younger men traditionally make the error of a hasty, last minute purchase but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes when she opens her gift. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.

Smart, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.

Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox.

Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

So that's the basic plan for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

Most of the neighborhood Latins will celebrate Noche Buena tomorrow. There will be parties and they smell of roasted pork will waffle in the air. Unfortunately, my nearest neighbor also has a karaoke machine with an apparently broken volume control.

I happen to enjoy Latin music but evidently the majority of my neighbor's guests have never heard themselves sing before as not one of the group could be considered a singer, unless you're referring to a sewing machine.

As the evening progresses, the drinks will begin to take their effect and the volume rises. At one point, a woman with a very loud voice will hijack the microphone and began quasi-rambling to music, ad nauseum.

I have never seen the woman, but using my years of experience going to the annual Calle Ocho festival, I mentally visualize her wearing bulging skin tight orange pants, a leopard blouse and too much make-up. That sounds like a double scotch, double bagger, but that's just me......

The News As I See It: According to a recent study, Pokémon go players have collectively walked 5.7 billion miles while using the app. They've walked everywhere except into a job interview.

Amazon's home assistance device, "The echo," is already sold out until after the holidays. In the meantime, if you want to yell at something to turn off the lights or music in your house, just try your kids.

Walmart will close two hours earlier this year on Christmas Eve, at 6:00. Yeah, but the meth lab in the bathroom will stay open until 9:00.

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia.

1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley.

1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed. 1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas everyone !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was born, I was given a choice - to be well hung or have a good memory. I can't remember what I chose. 2) All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6 am to go jogging...and I was right. 3) You know you were drunk on Christmas Eve when you realize you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees. 4) It came to my attention one weekend night when I had been drinking that I would really appreciate a light switch on the floor. 5) Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo. Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 23rd: Don't regret your past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.

Birthdays: Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908, Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actress 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man woke up with a bad hangover after a long evening of partying. As his girlfriend was coming out of the bathroom, she asked him how he was feeling. He replied, "Well, I think I'll be ok. Did you enjoy last night?"

She replied sarcastically, "Well, if you consider having your boyfriend fall asleep during reciprocation as fun, what do you think?" The boyfriend answered dejectedly, "Well, I guess that explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."

So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull.

The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step. The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, smart ass....Show him your card!"

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off, saying, "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses. A few months later while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?" Jesus said, "Certainly, Jesus and Finkelstein it is."

Finkelstein replied, "Oh no. Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." Jesus said, "I understand, Mr. Finkelstein, but I am the son of God."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

That's it for today, my little Christmas elves. Remember, money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Merry Christmas!

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Friday, December 16, 2016

Santa Claus And The Sears Catalog

When I was small, in the weeks before Santa came, my brother Kirt, sister Jeanne and I would thumb through the Sears Catalog, a virtual encyclopedia of toys and games mixed in with a lot of useless items like refrigerators, stoves, school clothing and the like.

It was like a game where on each page we would take turns having first, second and third picks. Once every page had been scavenged and signed, we would turn the catalog over to Mom and Dad, who would ostensibly submit our choices to Santa. As the days to Christmas grew closer, we would discuss which toy we would play with first.

As Christmas Eve arrived, I vaguely remember Mom and Dad having clandestine meetings behind the car. During their conversation, they would mysteriously open and close the trunk many times (keep in mind, the trunk of a 1954 Buick could and has held several bodies, or didn't you ever go to a drive-in movie).

When we finally were prepared for bed (not sleep), we were instructed not to leave the room, because we might scare Santa away. We could hear the side door open and shut many times, and every time we heard the door, we knew it must be Santa. Somewhere during that night of anticipation, we made a pact that the first one up would wake the others. Finally, the Sandman arrived to do his work and we drifted off.

The next morning (about 5:30-6:00), we awoke and rushed into the living room to see what Santa had brought. As a courtesy to Mom and Dad, we woke them also and both were just flat-ass overjoyed to hear the news.

I pointed out to Mom and Dad that, although it was ok with me, Santa had drank some of Mom's wine and about four or five of Dad's beers and left them strewn about the house. Mom just smiled and said, "It's ok, son, Dad just left them so Santa would have something to drink with his cookies."

I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary Clinton. They all hang together, half of them don't work and those that do, aren't all that bright.

The News As I See It: The Democratic National Committee was actually hacked because one of its directors clicked on a fake email to change his password, which gave Russia access to his account. Hillary said, "I can’t believe you’d be so careless with your email...!"

Apple said its new "AirPod" wireless earbuds WOULD be available, after reports that they wouldn’t be ready for the holidays. When asked what happened, Apple said, "We finally found them behind the couch cushions."

After two seasons, Netflix has canceled its series "Marco Polo." They ended it the way everyone does — by getting out of the pool and not telling the other person.

A flight attendant has plead guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours.

This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland. 1773; The Boston Tea Party took place. 1916; Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators.

1920; One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people. 1944; The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium.

1990; Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections. 2000; Colin Powell was selected to become the first African-American secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: The mental image of Santa and his reindeer kept most kids awake on Christmas Eve.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a Christmas email from my Nigerian friend who is going to share his bank account money with me. He asked me if I sent the check of good faith. I told him the check's in the mail. That's one of the two lies that have been useful for me in the past. 2) At the watering hole last week, a 28 year-old girl just told me she's gonna rock my world. At my age, I assume she's gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes and soft bagels. 3) According to a new report, the cost of all the gifts listed in "The Twelve Days of Christmas" song is up $233 from last year. Man, that Lords a Leaping union is killing us. 4) Social Security Sex is when you get a little each month, but not enough to live on. 5) I was getting amorous with one of my lady friends and just as the moment drew near, she said, "Please practice safe sex". So, I locked the truck door.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - Decmber 16th: Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two. Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.

Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen novelist 1775, George Santayana philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály composer 1882, Noel Coward playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt actor 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the couple were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic said, "You complain about your wife's constant nagging and yelling, yet you still remain married. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice and asked, "Will I be found guilty?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected...

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

That's it for today, my little mistletoes. Remember, there's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, December 9, 2016

Go Ahead, Make My Day !

Yesterday, I made a one minute video of my overgrown kitten, Scooter, basically because he, my cell phone and I were all next to the computer. I can't upload it because I can't find the right cable and/or one of the cats stole it to play with.

I ordered a new one from Amazon for less than $4.00, but I wanted to find the original one. I searched for it everywhere, thereby causing my back and feet to hurt like hell.

After resting a bit, I decided to look behind the two couches, neither of which have been moved in more than a year. The result was a ton of dirt and cat hair, tops from every medicinal tube or Chapstick that you can imagine and various other objects that Samantha and Scooter found entertaining to play with.

One thing that I found was an unopened pack of cigarettes which blew my mind. That's because I happened to be out and needed to take a quick trip to the store.

My undesired trip resolved, I looked one more time in the hope that I might an unopened bottle of scotch and an old girlfriend or two, but, alas, my free gift exploration fell short.

So, I will either find the original cable or wait until the new one arrives and finish the new video of scooter. I'll keep you apprised.....  

The News As I See It: Congratulations to Mick Jagger, who, at 73 years old,  just became the father of a baby boy....his eighth child. They say the baby looks just like his dad, all wrinkly.

Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news and just after the nick of time.

This Date In History: 1941; China declared war against Japan, Germany, and Italy. 1958; The anti-Communist John Birch Society was formed. 1965; "A Charlie Brown Christmas" premiered. 1990; Lech Walesa was elected president of Poland.

1993; U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. 1996; Archaeologist and anthropologist Mary Leakey died in Kenya at age 83.

Picture Of The Day: Scooter calculates his next move, ever wary on the cunning, more experienced, Samantha.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) So that you know, I put the "ate" in chocolate. 2) Turns out it wasn't vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka. 3) (Me): "I had salmon for lunch." (Her): "The 'L' is silent. (Me): "I know that. I had salmon for unch." 4) I posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news. 5) It's good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.....and that's Five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 9th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Joel Chandler Harris  humorist 1848, Jean de Brunhoff  author and illustrator 1899, Margaret Hamilton  actress 1902, Grace Hopper  rear admiral, computer scientist 1906, Thomas P O'Neill   political leader 1912, Kirk Douglas  actor 1916, John Cassavetes  actor and director 1929, Junior Wells  musician 1934, Dame Judi Dench  actress 1934, Tom Daschle, U.S. senator 1947, John Malkovich, actor 1953, Felicity Huffman, actor 1962, Crown Princess Masako, royalty 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Two hunters in Louisiana are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.

The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."

The old man said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

That's it for today, my little pine cones. Remember, nothing says "I don't take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Saturday, December 3, 2016

Like A Box Of Crayolas

Today's television commercials are starting to look like a meeting of the United Nations. I'm fine with diversity, but I'd rather define reality for myself than have television give me their interpretation, especially after the biased presidential election coverage.

I can see a commercial producer saying to his assistant. "Hmmm, this doesn't look right. Bring in one and a half Asians, a white midget and a dog. Yep, definitely a dog."

What moron came up with this inane idea? It is so apparently wrong that the mere thought of staging a politically correct group commercial reminds me of the slanted politics over the past year.

By the same token, the liberal ABC morning news at 3 am (yep, I'm up), always has a Black male anchor and a Latin female anchor. Even when the regulars get the day off, they're replaced with the same ilk. Apparently, affirmative action is alive and well.

Of course, I now favor affirmative action since I complained and threatened to sue the National Basketball Association for discrimination. I am now the starting forward for the Miami Heat. 

The News As I See It: Kellogg’s cereal pulled their advertising from the conservative website Breitbart News and its readers responded by calling for a boycott of all Kellogg’s products. Breitbart received a lot of criticism for running questionable news stories during the election. So basically Breitbart counts as real news in the same way that Apple Jacks counts as real fruit.

Kellogg’s pulled their ads because they say Breitbart promotes discrimination. It really isn’t a surprise that Kellogg’s would be sensitive about this. The mascots of Rice Krispies cereal are three male elves that all live together.

The CEO of Starbucks announced he’s stepping down. He’s going to become the CEO of the Starbucks across the street.

The holiday season is in full swing and Macy’s has hired over 80,000 seasonal employees. So, good news, the busiest shopping time of the year is being run by people who have had exactly one day of training.

Donald Trump said he will not try and send Hillary Clinton to jail. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey Donald, you promised!"

In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100 billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six University of Southern California grads and maybe two from UCLA.

An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers.

This Date In History: 1818; Illinois became the 21st state in the United States. 1833; Oberlin College in Ohio became the first coed institution of higher learning in the U.S. 1910; Mary Baker Eddy, founder of the Christian Science movement, died.

1919; French painter and sculptor Pierre A. Renoir died at age 78. 1967; Dr. Christiaan N. Barnard performed the world's first successful human heart transplant. 1984; A cloud of deadly poison gas leaked from the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India, killing over 4,000 people.

Picture Of The Day: Diversity is nice to have, but it doesn't quite work out like a fairy tale. In a zoo, the inhabitants are housed in close proximity. The nature of the beast in its natural state, tigers tend to hang out with tigers, rabbits with rabbits, et cetera.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's not a "junk drawer," it's a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits. 2) I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now and the other half one minute from now. 3) I was given three wishes by a genie. I wished my children happiness, success and their very own little shithead who neglects to replace the toilet paper roll. 4) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.  5) When asked to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance I said, "Maybe she went Black" and now I don't have to help the with homework any more.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 3rd: Your brain is overflowing with truly brilliant ideas. Focus on making your dreams a reality. The future holds many wonderful things, however, many of them exclude you in their plans. A romantic hotel break may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Bring someone with you this time.....

Birthdays: Gilbert Stuart, painter 1755 Ellen Swallow Richards, chemist and educator 1842 Anna Freud, psychoanalyst 1895 Jean-Luc Godard, film director 1930 Ozzy Osbourne, rock musician 1948 Julianne Moore, actress 1960 Daryl Hannah, actress 1960 Katarina Witt, skater 1965 Brendan Fraser, actor 1968

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lived, but he kept falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they got to his house, They pulled him out of the car, he falls again and they drag him to the front door. His wife came to the door and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"

A young boy of five was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate that he would be gone for awhile to have surgery. On the day he was admitted, his mother asked the doctor if he could also circumcise him while he was asleep. The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week, he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year. The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, condoms cannot guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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