Jimmy's Journal

Looks Like She's Got A Tiger By The Tail

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:17:00 +0000

Another one of life's pieces of shit assassinated four innocent Lakewood, Washington Police officers as they sat working on their laptops in a coffee shop. One of those officers fought with the gunman and may have wounded him before the officer died just outside the doorway.

Police are searching for 37 year old Maurice Clemmons, a "person of interest" with an extensive criminal past and whose 95-year prison sentence was commuted in Arkansas by then-governor Mike Huckabee nearly a decade ago. Hopefully, with a little bit of luck, they'll kill the son-of-a-bitch before he gets to court!

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods' injuries in his Friday 2:00 am car crash were caused by his wife, not the accident, according to TMZ.com. Woods' wife confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. According to reports, things got heated up and Wood's face was scratched by his wife.

Wood's beat a hasty retreated followed by his wife who was wielding a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club. Woods became "distracted," thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree. Funny, in golf, I always thought that making a hole-in-one was pretty good feat, but evidently not when it belongs to another woman.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the celebrity wannabees who crashed the Whitehouse gala for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Tuesday, may (and should) face criminal charges for their actions. Now asking six-figure dollars for interviews, their actions are not funny and could have been catastrophic should they have been part of a conspiracy to assassinate President Obama.

Tareq Salahi is the son of a Muslim born in Palestine, just like the Fort Hood Shooter, Major Nidal Hasan. Salahi is a board member of the American Task Force on Palestine (ATFP), a pro-Palestine lobby demanding the "right of return" for all Palestinian refugees and their descendants. Since the party crashing incident, ATFP has removed Tareq Salahi from its website's board of directors page.

This is just another good reason for America to quit worrying about being politically correct and profile any and all persons deemed to be a threat to America and its' citizens!

And finally, after watching the news video of habitual war protester Cindy Sheehan in California this weekend, I have a come to the conclusion that she is a complete asshole.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. 1966; Barbados became independent of Great Britain.

1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia. 1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed.

1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland. 2004; Ken Jennings ended his 74-game winning spree on the game show, Jeopardy!

Picture Of The Day: You know you're wildly successful and popular when the photoshop gang has your pictures floating all over the Internet less than an hour after you screw up. Tiger Woods' latest incident has the media drooling at the mouth and I have to admit that it strikes me quite funny as well.

I don't know about women, but there's not a man walking among us that has not had some sort of incident or mishap after a tiff with a woman. I don't think it's as big of a deal as the media is paints it, but when you're Tiger Woods, even a bowel movement is news. The only unfortunate thing about gossip is that it sometimes overshadows more important and newsworthy occurrences,

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. 2) One of the good things about experience is that it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 3) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 4) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and the ice really chilled the mood. 5) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that chicken is food, not a roommate.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jonathan Swift author 1667, Mark Twain writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, Soldier, and Author 1874, L. M. Montgomery novelist 1874, Gordon Parks photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm congresswoman 1924, Dick Clark TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott filmmaker 1937, David Mamet playwright 1947, Ben Stiller actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

I think the death panels are back. My grandma needed a mobility scooter, and Medicare offered her an electric chair.

The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India, and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey, wrong Indians.

Stop screwing with old people! Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter and hires a caterer, a band, and a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I don't know. Let me ask him. "Hey Willie! Would you chop off another toe for $50?"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

That's it for today my little kiddie cats. Remember, If your wondering how to tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine, it's the one with bite marks on the cap! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A Fine Thanksgiving Day Dinner And Then There's The Weekend !

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 20:21:00 +0000

It was a fine Thanksgiving Day for me as I was the guest of two of my favorite people, Hector and Lourdes. One of the things I enjoy is the variety of dishes that are served with dinner. It is also very interesting to see the diversity of these dishes as they are affected by one's background and customs.

Lourdes had already prepared many different snacks and finger food for those whose appetites were already clamoring for something to nibble on. My youthful experiences of filling up on too much bread, salads and finger foods reminded me to eschew the snacks and save that space for dinner. My pal, Hector broke open a bottle of Dewars 12 year scotch, which we sipped outside at his poolside bar.

It was a beautiful and tasty dinner indeed with turkey (the guest of honor), arroz con frijoles negro (white rice and black beans), a candied yam souffle, and many other side dishes. The evening desert was hot apple pie and ice cream. Additionally, the traditional sweet taste of turrones is one of my favorites and is almost always at every dinner party or celebration.

My sincere thanks to Hector and Lourdes for a very nice Thanksgiving Day and dinner.

The News As I See It: Black Friday is definitely not a day for the likes of me. Don't get me wrong, I like shopping, but I don't get up early for anything except fishing or taking a pee. I especially abhor large crowds of unruly dimwits who have camped outside of stores for many hours and smell like the north end of a south bound mule. Savings on the purchases of new, top of the line electronics notwithstanding, I'll gladly wait another five or six months down the line and prices will probably drop anyway.

California Vinters in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

For those of you who follow Possum's Journal, he made an entry yesterday and, of course, he made a few remarks about me. You can read his post by cicking this link. Possum's Journal

This Date In History: 1852; Lord Byron's daughter Ada died. She had assisted Charles Babbage with his "analytical engine" and is credited with inventing computer language. 1895; Alfred Nobel signed his last will, which established the Nobel Prize. More than a century later, Nobel would roll over in his grave when he learned who had been awarded the 2009 peace prize.

1910; New York's Pennsylvania Station opened. 1953; Playwright Eugene O'Neill died in Boston at age 65. 1970; Pope Paul VI was attacked at the Manila airport by a Bolivian painter disguised as a priest. 1973; Gerald R. Ford was confirmed by the Senate to become vice president, succeeding Spiro T. Agnew. 2003; President Bush secretly flew to Iraq to spend Thanksgiving with the troops.

Picture Of The Day: It was only a matter of time before the photoshop folks took cracks at President Obie's tendency to bow to foreign dignitaries. I took some of the best ones to show you today.

Additionally, yesterday was Tina Turner's 70th birthday and she looks great and is still going strong. Finally, the featured picture is a reflection of my mood and intentions for this Thanksgiving Day weekend.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's about time I cleared up this mystery. I shot the deputy, but I did not shoot the sheriff. 2) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 3) Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. 4) Pedro, a musician friend of mine, never was much of a success playing the flamenco tuba. 5) I finally bought a device for removing shrink-wrap from CDs. It slices right through it, but I can't get it out of the package.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Anders Celsius, astronomer 1701, Charles A. Beard, historian 1874, Chaim Weizmann, scientist and Zionist leader 1874, James Agee, writer 1909, Alexander Dubček, statesman 1921, Alexander Haig, American General, Secretary of State 1924, Jimi Hendrix, rock musician, guitarist 1942, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet any minute now, some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Since retailers begin hawking their wares for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving, it's only fitting that I give you the first Christmas joke of the season. My thanks to my pal, Garnett, for his contribution to today's stories.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said "It represents a candle." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates"

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off and said, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." The teacher said, "Very good, Sally." said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next and said, "I sold magazines. I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." The teacher said, "That's great, Jenny!"

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk and said, "$2,467!" The teacher exclaimed, "2,467? What in the world were you selling?" Little Johnny said, "Toothbrushes."

The teacher said, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" Little Johnny said, "I found the busiest corner in town. Then, I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a sample."

"They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'" Then I said, 'It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?'"

That's it for today my little candied yams. Remember, families and friends are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and give thanks for some extended Thanksgiving frolic. Giddyup!

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Have A Happy Thanksgiving !

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:35:00 +0000

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and it is a day to spend with family and friends. I am fortunate to have a healthy family and many good friends. For this I give thanks and my sincere wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving to all of my family, friends and readers.

The News As I See It: President Obie is hosted a state dinner for the prime minister of India. The menu included curry, chutney, and other Indian foods. To make everyone else feel welcome, the dessert was Tums, Mylanta, and Imodium AD. Obie spent two hours in private talks with the prime minister of India and explained his willingness to work on trade issues. The Indian prime minister explained how to block Internet pop-ups.

Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu (D), who had previously stated that she was not in favor of government run heath care, voted to pass the Healthcare Cloture for debate. Page 432 of the health care bill confirmed this in the form of 300 million dollars in special medicaid subsidies for low income families, which was given only to the state of Louisiana and not to any other state. Talk about the Louisiana Purchase, we now know the price Senator Landrieu charged Harry Reid for prostitution. I wonder how much her ass will cost for the final vote.

White House and Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House says this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake new jobs as the last one.

Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Roasted Stuffed Turkey
1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently. Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War. 1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams.

1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten." 1986; Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: You might think that finding Thanksgiving Day pictures would be relatively east around this time of year, but I really had to do some searching to find today's pictures. I hope you enjoy them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk. 2) Fiddlesticks is a word used to describe what happens when your fiddle gets stuck. 3) Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 4) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 5) Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Andrew Carnegie industrialist and philanthropist 1835, Carry Moore Nation temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII religious leader 1881, Joseph DiMaggio 1914, American Baseball Player Ricardo Montalban actor 1920, John Larroquette actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr. publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant pop musician 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she is dead!" The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she's dead?" The second old man says, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

(Now that's funny, I don't care what you say!)

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A father in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, "I am sorry to tell you but your mother and I are going to divorce. I just cannot take any more of her moaning. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I am telling you first because you are the eldest. Please tell your sister."

When the son called his sister, she says, "No way are they getting divorced, I will go over and see them for Thanksgiving." She phones her parents and tells them both, "You must not get divorced. Promise you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, please don't take any action." Then, she hangs up.

The father puts down the phone and turns to his wife and says. "Good news! The kids are coming for Thanksgiving and they are both paying their own way."

A woman named Martha had a parrot called Brutus who loved to talk. The only problem was that Brutus cursed something awful. One day, Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due, Brutus started cursing terribly. So Martha put him in the refrigerator for 2 minutes to literally cool off. She took the turkey out of the oven and put it on the kitchen counter to prepare it for serving. Then, she opened the refrigerator door and took out the parrot.

The incensed parrot was preparing to curse the Martha again for the refrigerator trick when he looked over and saw the turkey on the counter. He immediately became very quiet and said to the Martha, "If I offended you in any way I am truly sorry. I assure you, this type of outburst will never happen again."

Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cursing?" Brutus said, "I surely have. I just have one question. What did the turkey do?"

That's it for today my little drumsticks. Remember, laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with my pals, Hector and Lourdes. Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

After My Weekend, A Mundane Monday Is Quite Welcome !

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:06:00 +0000

It was one hell of a weekend and one of the rare times that I am looking forward to a mundane Monday. Between AREA 51, the football games and the Nascar Sprint Cup Championship, my get up and go, got up and left sometime Sunday evening. I can't tell you exactly what time this occurred but the last thing I remember was watching the Sunday night football game in my recliner.

I came out of my coma sometime early this morning to the irritating sound of an infomercial with some idiot trying to sell some kind of ridiculous "ergonomic" plastic seat. People who actually believe and buy this garbage deserve exactly what they get. I frantically searched the nooks and crannys of my recliner to find the remote and changed the channel, only to make the switch to a Billy Mays commercial for that stupid car speaker thing for cell phones. Elvis sightings notwithstanding, Billy Mays has the rising from the grave thing down pat......

Even though I had slept in my recliner, I felt rather refreshed and once I got the taste of those infomercials out of my mouth, I decided that I walk down to the lake close to where I live and watch the sunrise. With amazing morning clarity, I remembered that the new memory disc for my new digital camera had arrived on Saturday, so I decided that I'd open the plastic package, install it in the camera and take pictures of the sunrise.

The arrival of the larger memory disc coincided with my ongoing education of how to operate the damned camera. I have progressed past only being able to turn the camera on and I now know how to take a picture and then download it into my computer. Of course, it does a lot more than that and occasionally, it just decides to take pictures by itself. I have resolved that problem by turning it off every time it gets cocky. It's a learning process.

The one thing I didn't take into consideration was getting the memory chip out of the plastic. There were several possible little seams that I thought would be the key to removing the chip from the plastic, but with no results. After using most of the profanity that I usually reserve for driving in bumper to bumper traffic on the expressway, I finally took a long serrated kitchen knife and sawed the damned thing open.

After applying two or three band-aids to my fingers and wiping up most of the blood, I installed the new chip into the camera. By that time the sun had been up for about 45 minutes, so I walked outside my residence and took photographs of a dog taking a morning dump in the swale area next to the street. I have come to the conclusion that the manufacturers who package products in plastic so thick that scissors won't even dent it should receive all the monies they earn in the same damned plastic packaging. This way, when they try to get their money out, they can suffer just like the rest of us.....

The News As I See It: President Obie, in a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. In an interview, Joe Biden said, "I didn't even know I did anything wrong." Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people."

Kelloggs announced there will be a severe shortage of Eggo Frozen Waffles until next summer because of a flood at one of their factories. A spokesman for the company said, "Sorry, but for the time being, you’re just gonna have to Leggo." Joe Biden recently celebrated his 67th birthday. Biden didn't blow out the candles on his birthday cake, he just talked until the candles decide to put themselves out.

President Obie said he "probably won't" read Sarah Palin's new book, because she'll sell enough copies without him. Former President Dubya said he "probably won't" read Sarah Palin's book because . . . it's a book.

And finally, economists say that U.S. and world economy has drastically effected many African nations. A large number of Somalia pirates have been laid off due to improved weaponry on ships at sea which has forced the pirates to return to their old, less lucrative jobs, of plundering and looting. Many Nigerian scammers can no longer afford electricity in their shacks and are being forced to go to the local libraries to email their scam letters to America.

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam. 1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003;
Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: Aesop's got nothing on me today as fables and fairy tales are the theme of the day. Of course, my warped mind forces me to alter these tales and fables a bit to bring them more current with life today as we know it.

Let's see how many of these pictures you can associate with the fables and fairy tales of childhood. I'll give you a hint on one of the pictures. "Hey Diddle Diddle....."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The economy is getting really bad. The other day the bank returned one of my checks marked "Insufficient Funds." I called them and asked if they meant me or them. 2) A friend of mine was telling me that he came from a perfectly normal family. I asked him if his parents had 2.5 children. 3) Have you have heard of that famous chicken rancher, Buck Buck Buckaw? 4) Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 5) I made a list of things to do, and then I checked them off as I didn't do them.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus, actress 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A 70 year old man was fishing in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up".

The old man picked up the frog. The frog said, "Now, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride. I will make mad passionate love to you every day for hours on end."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus, the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby." The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong, you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him. The woman said, "You're right sir! I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it just died in traffic. After the mechanic works on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. The blonde says, "It sounds great! What's did you do to fix it?" The mechanic replies, "It was nothing, just crap in the carburetor," She asks, "How often do you have to do that?"

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

That's it for today my little rubber baby buggy bumpers. Remember, hiking in the woods, without bringing food, is no picnic. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

It's A Nascar Racing Weekend Here In Miami At Homestead-Miami Speedway

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:48:00 +0000

Miami is abuzz this weekend as Nascar comes to Miami for the final races of the season. Homestead-Miami Speedway will be awash with racing fans as Jimmie Johnson attempts to win an unprecedented fourth consecutive Sprint Cup championship. Johnson leads second place Mark Martin by 105 points and can clinch the championship by finishing 25th place or better.

There are many other drivers who could care less about the fate of Johnson and Martin. This is the last race of the season and all of the drivers will be throwing caution to the wind and looking to put their cars in Victory Lane. Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordon, Kyle and Kurt Busch, Tony Stewart and the up and coming Miami resident Juan Pablo Montoya all have the necessary talent and speed to win Sunday's race, which will be broadcast on ABC starting at 2:30 pm (EST).

The Nationwide Series championship is all but sewn up as points leader Kyle Busch needs only to start the race to secure the championship. Saturday's race will begin at 4:30 pm (EST) and can be seen on ESPN2. The race weekend kicks off this evening with the Camping World Truck Series race beginning at 7:30 pm (EST) and televised on the Speed Channel.

The News As I See It: Prez Obie took a tour of the Great Wall of China and he said it was "magical." Two years ago, former Prez Georgie "Dubya" Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." The Great Wall is 4,000 miles long, and was built to stop foreign invaders. Maybe we can get the Chinese to build us one on the U.S. - Mexico border.

The United States postal service announced last week that they’ve lost $3.8 billion dollars last year. Here's an idea — let's put the government in charge of healthcare. The No. 1 movie at the box office this week is the end-of-the-world action film, "2012." In the movie, California is crumbling, America is in shambles, and people are forced to abandon their homes. It should have been called "2009."

NBC’s Green Week is being celebrated at Rockefeller Center in New York City. What better way to celebrate than by ripping a giant tree out of the ground, covering it with lights, and leaving them on for a month? Somali pirates attacked the same American ship they attacked this summer — but this time the ship drove the pirates off with a high-decibel noise-making device. The specific noise they used to repel the pirates? The "Free Credit Report dot com" song.

And finally, In 1973, Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, "I am not a crook." That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. Now it's just part of the job.

This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico Porfirio Diaz. 1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nurember, Germany.

1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh. 1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000; Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.

Picture Of The Day: The final race of the Nascar Sprint Cup season is on Sunday and a weekend of championship racing is on tap. Although it looks like Jimmie Johnson is on his way to a fourth championship, my sentimental choice for the race is Mark Martin, a true racing champion. I would also hope to see Dale Earnhardt Jr and Miami resident Juan Pablo Montoya do well in the race. We'll see.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last winter in Miami was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 2) By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane. 3) An adult is someone who can legally run with scissors, but doesn't have the energy. 4) I know an older couple that are a little rough on each other in bed. Their motto is "Violence is golden." 5) You can say what you want about Oedipus but at least he loved his mother.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My Pal, Tamara, whose birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903,

Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, U.S. Attorney General and senator 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, political figure 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, doctor, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man bought a new Chevy Silverado and returned to the dealer yesterday because he couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. In a demonstration, the salesman said to the radio, "Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?'' The salesman said, "Willie!" Instantly, "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then the salesman said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

The man drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven," and get beautiful classical music. If I said, "Beatles," he'd get one of their awesome songs.

The next day, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed his new truck, but he swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!". Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

Authors Note: You may change the punchline of the above joke and replace it with any deserving Democratic or Republican leader.

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well no." The angry man continued, "What if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk said, "Well, I probably wouldn't."

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" The little boy said, "No, I don't."

The teacher said, "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

That's it for today my little kidney beans. Remember, one of the good things about not being famous is that you have to do something really, really stupid to make the news. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. I don't think that will make the headlines. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

No Need For Mammograms? Who In Hell Came Up With This Stupid Thought?

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:54:00 +0000

I don't whose bright idea it was that it isn't necessary for women under age 50 to get mammograms, but I'm pretty sure it's a man who could care less about his wife, mother or sister's health. A government task force said Monday that most women don't need mammograms in their 40s and should get one every two years starting at 50 — a stunning reversal and a break with the American Cancer Society's long-standing position. What's more, the panel said breast self-exams do no good, and women shouldn't be taught to do them.

The public reaction, both medical and lay alike has been considerably negative and a lot of people see this announcement as a money saving plan and a future look at Obamacare and health rationing in action. Even the Obama administration is attempting to distance themselves from the statement. Personally, I would advise any and every woman that I know not to break tradition and to continue with yearly mammograms and breast self-examination.

Author's Note: There is not one oncologist on the panel who made this recommendation.

The News As I See It: President Obie went to China (also known as the People's Republic of Wal-Mart) and, as you know, China is the world's third largest economy, right behind Japan and Oprah. ACORN, is now suing Congress, claiming that it was unconstitutional for Congress to cut off their funding. To prove their case, ACORN has a petition signed by over a million Supreme Court justices.

Democratic New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine blamed his re-election loss on the fact that he has a beard. He said he believes Americans won't elect a leader with a beard. I'll mention that to Abraham Lincoln next time I see him. Disney has installed hand sanitizers to combat swine flu. If Disney wants to get serious about not spreading swine flu, they should get Donald Duck to start wearing pants.

Al Gore, at a global warming seminar in Boca Raton, Florida, was heckled by more than 200 protesters in Boca Raton, Fla. You don’t want to get heckled in Boca. The crowd chanted: “What do we want? Dinner! When do we want it? Four o’clock!”

This Date In History: 1820; Captain Nathaniel Palmer discovered Antarctica. 1883; Standard time began in the United States. 1886; Chester A. Arthur, the 21st president of the United States (1881–1885), died in New York at 56. 1928; Mickey Mouse made his debut in Steamboat Willie.

1976; Spain's parliament approved a bill to establish a democracy after 37 years of dictatorship. 1978; Jim Jones, a U.S. pastor, led 914 of his followers to their deaths at Jonestown, Guyana, by drinking a cyanide-laced fruit drink. Cult members who refused to swallow the drink were shot.

2003; The Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled 4-3 that the right to same sex marriage was guaranteed by the state constitution. 2004; The UN Security Council held a two-day session in Nairobi. This was the first time it had convened outside of New York headquarters.

Historical information about shipping horse manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks, and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern....Boooom!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term," Ship High In Transit" which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. I didn't either, I always thought it was a golf term.

Picture Of The Day: The snit of the week seems to be Newsweek magazine's cover picture of Sarah Palin. Ms. Palin calls the magazine cover and accompanying story "sexist." The magazine defends its' cover as journalistic and in step with the daily stories in politics.

Personally, I like Sarah Palin, but I don't believe she is qualified to be president. Then again, I don't believe Prez Obie is qualified either and look who's running the country.

As for the cover picture, I believe most people have a mirror and know very well what they look like each day they walk out the door. Most women would kill to look like Sarah Palin in a pair of shorts and she's pretty easy on the eyes. Hey, it could be worse. Palin could look like Quasimodo or Rosie O'Fat Ass.

Newsweek magazine is a rag whose time has come and gone. Hard print media's time is up and will soon disappear into history along with the horse and buggy. This cover picture breaks from politics and news and reflects the magazine's dying efforts to revive it's readership. Maybe they should have had a fold out....

By the way, the following picture of the bar on the beach has nothing to do with today's post. It's just a visual reminder for me to remember that today's Hump Day and trip to AREA 51 is in order....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friends named their dog Carpenter, because he did little odd jobs around the house. 2) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the fourth or the fifth. 3) Please excuse Jimmy from his doctor's appointment, as he is sick today. 4) I'm having difficulty reading the fine print anymore. I think my eyes are on the blink. 5) I have a doctor friend who worked for 40 years trying to find the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. In the end, he found the cure, but then he forgot it.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My niece, Ashley. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Louis Daguerre, early pioneer of photography 1789, Sir William Gilbert, English Playwright and Poet 1836, Ignace Paderewski, pianist, composer 1860, Clarence S. Day, essayist 1874, Eugene Ormandy, conductor 1899.

George Horace Gallup, originator of the Gallup poll 1901, Alan B. Shepard, astronaut 1923, Margaret Atwood, novelist and poet 1939 Wilma Mankiller, former chief of the Cherokee Nation 1945, Alan Moore, writer 1953, Owen Wilson, actor 1968, Chloë Sevigny, actress 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An widowed older man who had faithfully provided for his family over the years went to the finest hotel on Miami Beach compliments of his three sons. After enjoying the beach for the day, the old man went to his room and ordered room service for dinner.

There was a knock at the door and the hungry old man walked briskly to the door and opened it. Standing there was a beautiful woman with a bottle of champagne in her hand.

The old man said, "Are you from room service?" The woman said , "No, I'm here to give you super sex." The old man thought for a moment and said, "I'll take the soup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A woman is just starting to get into her bathtub to take a bath when she suddenly she hears a knock at the door. The woman turns and walks naked to the front door and asks, "Who is it?" A male voice on the other side of the door responds, "It's the blind man. I have a box for you."

After some consideration, she opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway". The man comes in the living room, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the box of blinds?"

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy,"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

That's it for today my little cowpokes. Remember, be very careful while listening to your i-pod. There is too much sax and violins in music. It's Hump Day and a fine reason to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Odds And Ends...... Mostly Odds !

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:57:00 +0000

The moron(s) who run this country have decided to try the terrorists being held at Guantanamo in New York City. The Obama administration said Friday that it would prosecute Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks, in a Manhattan federal courtroom.

The decision, announced by Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr., could mean one of the highest-profile and highest-security terrorism trials in history would be set just blocks from where hijackers for Al Qaeda destroyed the World Trade Center, killing nearly 3,000 people. Holder said he would instruct prosecutors to seek death sentences for Mohammed and four accused September 11 co-conspirators who would be tried alongside him.

Why this decision has been made boggles my mind. The terrorists should be tried at Guantanamo Bay under military law. The fact that they are being brought to the United States, in and of itself, insults me. Al Qaeda suspects do not deserve the protections afforded by the American criminal justice system and bringing them into the United States would heighten the risk of another terrorist attack. The civilian trials will increase the risk of disclosing classified information and the dangers posed by the trial will only weigh more on the the people of New York City.

Perhaps when Obie finally finishes bowing down to the Japanese Emperor and visiting all of the American money in Chinese banks, he will take the time to re-weigh this ignorant decision. You'd think that after his awkward bow to the Saudi King and the ensuing public anger that followed, he would have checked with his protocol people to figure out how to respond. Then again, probably not....

The News As I See It: Jesse Jackson has added former Chicago Democrat Congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll. Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud, and lies to the Federal Election Commission.

Reynolds is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer. This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate and then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate! His new job? Youth Counselor. Is this a great country or what? http://www.snopes.com/politics/sexuality/reynolds.asp

President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. That means 54 percent of the people do not approve of the job he's doing, which I think is totally unfair. We should at least wait until he actually does something. Obama is traveling to Asia this week. He'll be making a trip to China. While he's there, Obama plans to visit the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and America's money.

Remember Lisa Nowak, the crazy astronaut lady who put on a diaper and drove cross country? Nowak was later charged with attempted kidnapping and agreed this week to a plea agreement that will keep her out of jail. She said she was in love with another astronaut and has apologized. See? That's what happens when you mix vodka and tang.

And finally, A middle school in North Carolina has caused some controversy, because they were offering to improve test scores for cash donations. For a $20 donation, kids could get an increase of 20 points on any test they chose. It was called the "Cash from Flunkers" program.

This Date In History: 1864; General Sherman and his troops began their "March to the sea" during the Civil War. 1907; Oklahoma became the 46th state. 1933; The United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations. 1973; President Nixon signed the bill authorizing the construction of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. 2004; President George W. Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Ok, the chicken picture doesn't really match today's pictures, but it made me laugh and it's my journal. The remainder of the pictures are landscapes that struck me and I thought you might enjoy them as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Just think...If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving. 2) My buddy told me that he's getting Social Security sex....you know, a little each month, but not enough to live on! 3) I remember asking a lady friend who had just questioned my carpentry ability if she even knew the difference netween a nail, a screw and a bolt. She said, "Well, I can't really say that I know, 'cause I've never been 'bolted'." 4) George W. Bush is our first President for whom English is a second language. I don't think he has a first language. 5) If you are missing large portions of your time, that is a sign that you have been abducted by aliens. Either that, or you have been watching too much television.....and that's five!

Birthdays W. C. Handy, songwriter 1873, George S. Kaufman, dramatist and journalist 1889, Burgess Meredith, actor 1907, Jose Saramago, novelist 1922, Chinua Achebe, writer 1930, Elizabeth Drew, journalist 1935, Robert Nozick, political philosopher 1938, Maggie Gyllenhaal, actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "I'd like to by some Viagra. Can you cut them into quarters?' The pharmacists says, " I can cut them into quarters if you like, but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

The old man said, "I'm 92 years old. I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out enough so that I don't piss on my slippers."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Garnett, Tom S and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Murray and Arthur. Murray looked at the body and said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." He looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Arthur who exclaimed, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." He looked and said, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician said, "How can you tell?" Arthur answered, "George had two assholes."

The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Arthur said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, people would say, 'Here comes George with those two assholes!'"

An older man who worked away from home all week always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning, he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather. He asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" The little girl replied, "Oh yes, Grandpa and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!"

*Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?*

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows. He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

That's it for today my little swizzle sticks. Remember, the day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Friday The 13th - Will Jason Be At AREA 51?

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:11:00 +0000

I'm not a superstitious man, but today is Friday the 13th. While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). If the length of those words scares you, you have Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - Fear of long words. Personally, I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia.

I really don't change my routine too much on Friday the 13th, but I also leave a sleeping dog lie, if you get my drift.

I did have some bad luck a few years ago on Friday the 13th. My girlfriend stopped by and wanted to go to Happy Hour in AREA 51. Since my car was being repaired, we took her car. She wanted to go to a new place that was out in the country because her girlfriend told her the place was nice and they had a free buffet for Happy Hour.

We were driving down the road and all of a sudden, this little bunny went racing across the road, in front of the car. My girlfriend swerved and I heard an awful "thump." My girlfriend cried, "I hit it!, I hit it!" She stopped the car and we ran back to the little bunny who was lying motionless on the road. I didn't see any blood on it, but it wasn't moving.

My girlfriend was crying hysterically and I had a lump in my throat. I really didn't know what to do and, to make matters worse, a car pulled over behind us. A Nun got out of the car, saw my sobbing girlfriend and asked what was wrong. I told her that we had hit that little bunny and she said, "Don't worry, I know what to do." I took my girlfriend by the arm and walked her away. I really didn't know what the Nun was going to do, but I was pretty sure I didn't want my girlfriend to see it.

I Looked back and the Nun took a can out of her purse, sprayed the little bunny all over and miraculously, the little bunny came to life. He jumped up, waved his paw and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, and hopped down the road. I tell you, I was really amazed. I couldn't figure out what the Nun did to save that bunny.

I ran over to her and asked, "What did you spray the bunny with, Holy Water?" The Nun turned the can around so I could read it. It said: "Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare - Adds permanent wave"

.....what?! It could be true..... Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

The News As I See It: Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats yesterday about the health care bill, and he told them to not make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce. Lou Dobbs, the outspoken anti-immigration anchor is leaving CNN. He’ll be replaced by a Mexican guy named Juan who’ll do the job for $5 an hour.

The AMA is urging the federal government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and to do more research. That request came not only from the AMA, but also from KFC. I don't feel real sorry for the three young Americans who were charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Obviously, we all pray for their safe return, but, hiking in Iraq? Who goes hiking in Iraq? What, was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?

The Mayan Calendar predicts that the world will end in 2012 and NASA has been on a campaign to ease people's fears. NASA announced that the movie "2012" is fiction and the Mayan calendar is wrong and there is no mystery planet headed towards Earth that's going destroy it. NASA says the only thing that can really destroy the planet by 2012 would be Countrywide Mortgage, AIG, and Wall Street.

Congressman William Jefferson, who the FBI caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption and prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. The congressman still maintains he did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah......Congress!

Obama left for a 10-day trip to Singapore, China, South Korea, and Japan. Meanwhile today, Joe Biden ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at a Panda Express. Obama said that he would be happy to travel to Copenhagen in December for the Global Climate Conference, if his presence would make a difference. The 2016 Summer Olympic Committee said, "Yeah, that will make a huge difference." The Nobel Peace Price Committee had no comment nor any idea of what was going on.

This Date In History: 1775; U.S. forces, under the command of Gen. Richard Montgomery, captured Montreal during the American Revolution. 1927; The world's first long, mechanically ventilated underwater tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, opened between New York and New Jersey. 1940; Walt Disney's Fantasia debuted.

1942; The minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. 1946; Vincent Schaefer produced artificial snow from a natural cloud for the first time at Mount Greylock in Massachusetts. 1956; The Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on buses.

1982; The Vietnam War Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated in Washington, DC. 2001; The Taliban abandoned Afghanistan's capital of Kabul when the Northern Alliance entered the city.

Picture Of The Day: Whether the old "Hee Haw" comedy show song adage, "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all", has any bearing on Friday the 13th is speculative, but my thinking is why take the chance? That said, today's theme is rather obvious, luck comes in two forms, bad and good. I say that there's another form and that is, "thought provoking and humorous", and I hope today's choices are classified in that category.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Has anyone seen this new movie, "The Men Who Stare at Goats?" It's rated "R" here in the U.S., but in the Middle East it's rated "X" for nudity. 2) On Friday the 13th in 1966 a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was accidentally run over by a black hip-hop artist. 3) A rabbit's foot is not lucky. If you don't believe me, ask the rabbit. 4) A rabbit's foot can be lucky sometimes, unless the rabbit sets foot in your garden, in which case he'll probably eat your stringbeans. 5) Horseshoes usually bring good luck today, but never trust a horse that wears high heels.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Saint Augustine, theologian 354, Johann Eck theologian 1486, Robert Louis Stevenson, poet, novelist 1850, Mary Wigman, dancer, choreographer 1886, Whoopi Goldberg, comedienne, actress 1955, Gerard Butler, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old Jewish man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The old man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The old man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. Since the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost.

He roamed the streets for an hour. Finally, he saw a backhoe and its crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He played out his heart and soul. As he played, the workers began to weep. He played "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd." He closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to his car.

As he drove into the distance, one of the workers saying to another, "Man, I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Marf! Marf!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Marf! Marf!".

That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip....... Marf!

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

A drunk man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" The Avon Lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The Drunk replied, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

That's it for today my little four leaf clovers. Remember, the most common injury in the game of chess is getting your king stuck in your eye, when you doze off. I'm going to AREA 51 and see how many idiots show up as Jason. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

God Bless Our Troops And God Bless America !

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:24:00 +0000

How ironic that the memorial for the soldiers slain during the Fort Hood massacre would come one day before Veteran's Day, the day that our nation remembers the many soldiers, both past and present, who served their country valiantly.

I watched intently yesterday as these soldiers were remembered by their families, friends, fellow comrades at Fort Hood and the many people around this nation and the world. What a sad feeling one has knowing that these soldiers lost their lives at a seemingly safe location within the United States.

Today we appreciate and remember soldiers who served and the many who were killed or wounded in the line of duty. I have to especially remember my father, James Sullivan Sr., (pictured left) who served in World War II and my late nephew, Jonathan Sullivan (pictured below, right). I served in the United States Army as well as Brother Kirt, who was in Vietnam. My friends Chris, Doug, Jimmy, Carl and Victor also are remembered, as they served their country as well.

I ask all my readers and friends to take the time to remember our soldiers, past and present, and to extend a welcome hand to anyone in uniform. I can assure you that the gesture will be quite welcome and you can put a little sunshine into a soldier's life.

The terrorist act at Fort Hood has my blood boiling. Obama immediately told the American public not to "jump to conclusions" until all the facts were in. Even, some of the media are hesitant to refer to the incident as a terrorist act but in my mind, any person or persons, whether organized or not, who wreak such havoc and death on innocent people are terrorists.

Being politically correct is not only dangerous, it's now getting people killed. I'm getting sick and tired of worrying about other people getting their feelings hurt or their feathers ruffled. It's time to call a spade a spade.

The Fort Hood massacre is a prime example of the dangers of being politically correct. The FBI knew more than six months ago that Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan had been posting pro-terrorists comments and did nothing about it. It's time to start arresting and prosecuting these mongrels and to hell with being politically correct.

You may consider this profiling, but once you've seen storm clouds and heavy rains on the horizon four or five times, you don't have to be a profiler to know that there's a hurricane coming and deal with it. It's time to start circling the wagons and deal with these assholes in the only way that they can comprehend.

The News As I See It: New York Governor David Paterson said that New York will be broke by Christmas, unless it begins cutting jobs. New Yorkers are saying, "Good call. Let’s start with the governor" CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s part of his plan to finally deliver on campaign promises. Right!The promises made by John McCain. A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce. They are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

Congressman Barney Frank's boyfriend got caught growing marijuana in his back yard. When interviewed, Frank was offended by the implications that he was aware that his boyfriend was growing the plants. When interviewed, Frank said that he was "not much of an outdoorsman" (gasp) and wouldn't know a marijuana plant if he saw one. Get real, Barney!

Yesterday, twenty years ago in Germany, David Hasselhoff performed a concert to celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall and today he was invited back to perform on the anniversary. Then, immediately after Hasselhoff sang, they started building a new wall. A woman in Texas almost pulled off an unbelievable scam. She told everyone she had cancer, held a benefit, and then used the money she raised to get a boob job. All of her friends and family said they were very disappointed.....until they saw her.

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831; Former slave Nat Turner was executed. 1889 Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain. 1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests.

2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: Words are not necessary for today's pictures. I chose these out of many that are now circulating on the Internet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I swear if I see another commercial by Billy Mays, I'm going to dig his dead ass up, stuff a sock in his mouth and bury him again! 2) Does anyone remember "kickapoo joy juice"? 3) Money isn't everything but it sure does keep the kids in touch. 4) It is a known fact that the colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. 5) Although the many islands in the south Pacific are nice, I like Polynesia the best. The word is derived form the ancient "Pollynesia" which is memory loss in parrots.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My niece, Sommer, whose birthday was yesterday. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, My pal, Tommy 0 - Happy Birthday Buddy 19XX, Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885 Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor, and diplomat 1928, LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?" He replies, "Yes, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together and we were probably naked as jaybirds." The old woman snickers, "Well, let's get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. The old woman says breathlessly, "You know, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The old man says, "I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. When bell 1 rings, we all put on our jackets, then bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. When bell 3 rings, we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say "bell 1", I want you to strip naked. When say 'BELL 2', I want you to jump in bed and when I say 'bell 3', we make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled, "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled, "Bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled, "Bell 4!" The husband said, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife answered, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. The man says, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

The man continued, "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my big mistake."

The doctor asked, "What did you do?" The man replied, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember too much after that....."

That's it for today my little fire plugs. Remember our troops! I'm going to Happy Hour at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

What A Weird Week !

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:38:00 +0000

From CNN's Jack Cafferty:

Don't cancel your existing health insurance just yet. Health care reform narrowly passed the House late Saturday night; but it's a long, long way from a done deal in the Senate. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is comparing this legislation, which passed by a scant five votes, to the passage of Social Security and Medicare; and President Obama says he looks forward to signing it into law by the end of the year. Not so fast...

One top Senate Republican, Lindsay Graham of South Carolina, is already declaring the bill "dead in the water." Here's why: What happens to the so-called public option? Harry Reid still doesn't have the votes to pass that. And Republicans along with Independent Joe Lieberman are promising a filibuster if the public option stays.

The House bill costs hundreds of billions of dollars more than the latest Senate version; which means the Senate could wind up cutting expensive parts of the bill - like a requirement for employers to provide coverage. Another huge difference between the bills is how to pay for reform.

And what about abortion funding? At the last minute, the House passed an amendment that prohibits federal funds from going to insurance plans that offer abortion coverage. For millions of women - this could mean the house bill breaks the promise that "if you like your current health care you can keep it."

This much you can count on. Anytime the House votes late on a Saturday night after last minute changes were made and the promise by Pelosi is broken to post the bill online for 72 hours before a final vote, it ain't good.

The opinions of Jack Cafferty and my opinions do not always correlate, but in this case, I agree with Cafferty. In the past, Caffert and I were usually on the same page, but during CNN's embarrassing Obama ass kissing during the presidential campaign, his opinions and views began do differ with mine more often.

It seems now that Cafferty, as well as CNN, are beginning to come out of their Obama coma and begin to look at issues with a more open and judging eye. This idea seems to confuse most of the media now days as non-biased reporting seems to be a new concept.

The U.S. Supreme Court has refused to block Tuesday's scheduled execution of sniper mastermind John Allen Muhammad. Muhammad is scheduled to die by injection at a Virginia prison for the slaying of Dean Harold Meyers at a gas station during a three-week spree in 2002 across Maryland, Virginia and Washington, D.C.

Muhammad and his teenage accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, were also suspected of fatal shootings in other states, including Louisiana, Alabama and Arizona. Malvo is serving a life sentence.

Unlike the Swine Flu vaccine, we have sufficient drugs for lethal injections so have a nice trip Muhammed and tell Allah that Jimmy says "Hey."

The News As I See It: Sarah Palin's new book is coming out next month. It’s called, "Going Rogue." She’s already received a million dollars for the book. This weekend, she took that money and went shopping. She went to Bed, Bath and You Betcha.

Chrysler has announced a new logo that is going to appear on all of its cars. They hope it will boost sales. It should help, the logo is "Toyota."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on election night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions. Voters in Breckenridge, Colorado, which is a ski resort town, passed a ballot measure legalizing marijuana. Well, pot smoking and skiing. What could go wrong there?

President Obama embarrassed his daughter Malia by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out. Obama met with Native-American tribal leaders last week, and they gave him the Indian name “He Who Cares.” Then they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name “Big Chief Running Mouth.”

This Date In History: 1888; Jack the Ripper killed his last victim, Mary Jane Kelly. 1938; Nazis burned and looted temples and Jewish-owned stores and houses in Germany and Austria in what became known as Kristallnacht (Crystal Night - referring to broken glass on streets). 1953; Author-poet Dylan Thomas died in New York at age 39.

1965; A switch at a station near Niagara Falls failed. The Northeast and parts of Canada went dark for more than 13 hours. 1970; Former French president Charles De Gaulle died at age 79. 1989; Borders between East and West Germany were opened and the Berlin Wall began to be dismantled the next day.

Picture Of The Day: The idea of Sarah Palin writing a book is about as scary as the Democratic Health Plan. Then again, I never thought that the American public would have been so desperate as to vote for Obama.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 99 percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2) Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about kittens and puppies. 3) There is no reason that a man has to be in the delivery room while his wife is in labor unless the word "alimony" has a distinct meaning to him. 4) My ex-mother-in-law said she won't go to the discount proctologist any more because he did a half-assed job. 5) Over the years I've learned that anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker, mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor, and inventor 1801, Elijah Lovejoy, abolitionist 1802, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1928, Carl Sagan, American astronomer and popularizer of science 1934, David Duval, golfer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Mother, why is my older brother named Golden Eagle?" His mother answered, "Because the morning before he was conceived, a magnificent eagle flew over your father and I as we were walking."

The boy then asked, "Why is my sister named Running Deer"? His mother replied, "Well, your father and I were lying in the woods that night when a beautiful deer ran past us and disappeared into the night." The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why are you so curious?"

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark. A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.

Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up this grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"

Three Labrador retrievers - a black, brown, and yellow are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The yellow lab turns to the black and says, "So why are you here?" The black lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything-the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The yellow lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" The black lab says, "Lethal injection."

The yellow lab then turns to the brown lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." The yellow lab asked, "So what are they going to do to you?" The dejected brown lab said, "Lethal injection."

The brown lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The black and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?" The yellow lab says, "No, no, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

That's it for today my little turtle doves. Remember, life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow. More on Wednesday

Stay Tuned !

God Bless The Victims And Families Of The Fort Hood Massacre !

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:22:00 +0000

My deepest sympathies go out to the families and friends of the victims of the yesterday's Fort Hood massacre. Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, the asshole who committed this horrible terrorist act, left 13 dead and 30 wounded soldiers in his rampage. He is currently on a ventilator and unconscious in a hospital after being shot four times during the shootings. Soldiers on scene when the shootings began reported that Hasan shouted "God is great" in Arabic before opening fire on his victims. With a little bit of luck, Hasan will soon join Allah.

Officer Kimberly Munley of the Fort Hood Police Department was the person who brought Hasan down and was wounded herself in the process. It is also necessary to recognize the quick actions of the soldiers involved or near the conflict that immediately attended to the wounded, many tearing of their own shirts and t-shirts in attempt to stop the bleeding and apply compression to the wounds of their fallen comrades.

It's amazing that Hasan had no problems accepting a free college education from the US. Army but had problems with the idea of serving his country and fulfilling his military obligations. Hasan was apparently set to deploy soon, and had expressed some anger about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Reportedly, Hasan had hoped Obama would pull troops out of Afghanistan and Iraq and got into frequent arguments with others in the military who supported the wars. Hasan's record wasn't sterling. At Walter Reed, he received a poor performance evaluation, according to an official who spoke on condition of anonymity. While he was an intern, Hasan had some "difficulties" that required counseling and extra supervision, said Dr. Thomas Grieger, who was the training director at the time.

At least six months ago, Hasan came to the attention of law enforcement officials because of Internet postings about suicide bombings and other threats, including posts that equated suicide bombers to soldiers who throw themselves on a grenade to save the lives of their comrades.

The News As I See It: Two people suspected of stealing up to 1,000 pieces of luggage from baggage claim carousels at Phoenix’s airport have been arrested by police who found heaps of the stolen bags strewn throughout their home. Their bail has been set at $30,000, or as Delta Airlines calls it, $30 a bag.

One year ago this week, Barack Obama was elected president. One year later, we're still in Iraq and we're still in Afghanistan, but, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul. Congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term. Bloomberg was limited to just two terms, but he changed the law so he could run again and be in power another four years. Today, Arnold Scharzenegger said, "You can do that?"

Former President Bush is in Japan, and he was met with protesters carrying signs that said, "Arrest Bush" and "Bush is a war criminal." When he saw the signs, Bush said, 'Thanks for making me feel at home. Appreciate it.'" There is a shortage of the swine flu vaccine. Did you ever notice in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. Maybe we should pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making the swine flu vaccine. In any case, if the government can't get the swine flu vaccine right, just imagine how they'll take care of us under Obamacare.

And finally, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. I guess people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.

This Date In History: 1860; Abraham Lincoln is elected president of the United States 1861; Jefferson Davis is elected president of the Confederate States of America 1869; The first intercollegiate soccer game took place (Rutgers 6, Princeton 4) 1893; Composer Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky died in St. Petersburg, Russia, at age 53 1913; Mohandas Gandhi led a march of miners in South Africa. He was arrested three times in the first four days of the march.

Picture Of The Day: I had some pretty nifty pictures for you today, but due to yesterday's incident at Fort Hood, I thought that a display of flowers would be more appropriate. Todays pictures are dedicated to those victims and their families and friends. God bless our troops!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The Swine Flu has really affected tourism in Florida, especially Disney World. Some parents are avoiding the park because they’re concerned that it's a "Swine Flu Petri dish." I wouldn't worry too much about that. When you pass by the Snow White exhibit, just steer clear of "Sneezy." 2) My friend Garnett got some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said, "remove cap and push up bottom." He says he can barely walk, but whenever he farts, the room smells freakin' awesome.

3) I finally got a new digital camera and as soon as I understand it, I'll be hell on wheels until the novelty wears off. So far, I've learned how to turn it on...4) When blondes have more fun, do they know it? 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?....and that's five !

Birthdays: Director Mike Nichols is 78, Actress Sally Field is 63, Pop singer-musician Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 61, California's first lady Maria Shriver is 54. Actor Ethan Hawke is 39.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

His wife impatiently asks, "Well, what was it?" He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' " She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

My pal, Garnett, is always showing his ass and even some of his readers seem to think he's got a cute ass. Personally, I never thought Garnett had a cute ass until he sent me this picture.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, and my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. The turkey said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy." The bull said, "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Two carrots were walking down the street one day and they saw two little potatoes standing on the street corner. The first carrot says, "They're prostitutes!" The second carrot says, "How can you tell they're prostitutes?" The first carrot says, "They've got those little stickers on them that says, 'I - DA - HO !'"

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12! Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Murray went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' Murray said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

That's it for today my little lamb chops. Remember, originality is the art of concealing your sources. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and a little carousing. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Did I Tell You That I Hate Politicians?

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:50:00 +0000

Republicans won two important Gubernatorial races yesterday with Bob McDonnell sweeping in Virginia and Chris Christie winning in New Jersey. It's probably too early to know if this is an "Obama reaction", but we'll know a lot better in the upcoming 2010 elections.

The most digesting win was for mayor of New York City. Mayor Michael Bloomberg was reelected four four more years after spending over 100 million dollars of his own money in his campaign. It's not unusual to see wealthy politicians buying their own seats, but this little man with an obvious "Napoleon complex" evidently has an agenda.

The obvious political bonuses of bribery and graft notwithstanding, Mayor Bloomberg has strong ideas on what is "disgraceful" or "a disgrace." But they don't necessarily jibe from one year to the next. His words from Nov. 22, 2005, shortly after he was reelected were, "The public wants term limits and while there may be — it may be that the City Council has a right to override them, deliberately saying to the public ‘we don’t care what you think’ is, I would use the word 'disgraceful.'"

Fast-forward nearly four years to May 28, 2009 and Bloomberg, who cannot run for Mayor again due to term limits, announces that if the City Council decides to change term limit laws and allow him to run again for an unprecedented third term, he would not protest.

Bloomberg later calls reporter Azi Paybarah "a disgrace" for asking him if, in the light of the "improved" economy, he should readjust his rationale for running for a third term. Evidently, to Bloomberg, "disgraceful" is a relative term, except when applied to people who disagree with him.

The News As I See It: Afghanistan elections are over and Hamid Karzai has been declared the winner because his opponent, Abdullah Abdullah, pulled out of the race. Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife, Paula Abdullah. He may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son, Abdullah W. Abdullah, will be on the ballot.

George "Dubya" Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. If you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression. Bush will be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. According to a report on Edmunds.com, the real cost of the Cash for Clunkers program was $24,000 per car. Every car that was traded in cost us, the taxpayers, $24,000. I wonder how many people would have rather kept their old car and just get a check for 20 grand from the government.

Barack Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Apparently he's promised them 72 virgins and full dental coverage. The White House also approved a new plan to pay the Taliban fighters to switch sides and join the U.S. The program is called Moolah for Mullah.

In a new interview. Obama admitted that he has had "bumps in his marriage." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Bumps? I would kill for bumps!" The White House grounds are a looking better this week. Obama planted a tree on the north lawn of the White House in a spot where Bush planted one that did not take. Apparently, nobody had the heart to tell Bush that his tree was actually a coat rack.

Americans saved money this Halloween by wearing the same costume they wore last year. Huh... ! So that's why there were so many trick or treaters dressed as a lady astronaut in a diaper. That brings back memories, doesn't it? The White House also gave out treats to the kids, but most of those that came with their hands out were the children of ACORN employees and auto company executives.

And, finally CNN reported yesterday that colleges are offering degrees in Hip Hop. Yep, you heard me, Hip Hop. Companies are actually pursuing these graduates as soon as they graduate. The companies include Burger King, Wendys and McDonalds.

This Date In History: 1918; Wilfred Owen, one of the finest war poets of modern times, is killed by machine-gun fire a week before the end of World War I. 1922; Howard Carter discovers the tomb of Tutankhamen in the Valley of the Kings, Egypt.

1942; At the Second Battle of El ‘Alamein, the British 8th Army, led by General Bernard Montgomery, defeats the Axis forces after a grinding battle of attrition, forcing them into a long retreat. 1952; Dwight D. Eisenhower is elected the 34th president of the United States.

1956; The Soviet Union invades Hungary in order to crush the Hungarian Revolution. 1979; The Iran Hostage Crisis begins when student followers of Ruhollah Khomeini storm the US Embassy in Tehran. 1995; Israeli prime minister Yitzhak Rabin is assassinated by a Jewish extremist.

Picture Of The Day: Political pictures and cartoons are today's theme and with all the laughable, sleazy politicians around, these cartoons are easy to find.

Additionally, on a good day, you can get cartoons of the politicians with their ambulance chasing attorneys receiving kickbacks and bribes from the lobbyists who were promised to be banned by "da prez." Ah, politicians, attorneys and lobbyists, ya gotta.....shoot them!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brother Kirt had a lot of emotional problems as a child. I remember he used to think he was a chicken. We didn't say anything about it because we needed the eggs. 2) The trouble with life is there's no background music. 3) There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot." 4) My mom never really learn to swear until she learned to drive. 5) This week's Psychics meeting has been canceled due to unforeseen events....and that's five !

Birthdays: Father Joseph, French priest and statesman 1577, Will Rogers, American humorist, actor, and writer 1879, Walter Cronkite, American broadcast journalist, renowned as the long-standing anchor of the CBS Evening News (1962-1981) 1916, Robert Mapplethorpe, American photographer 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A 65 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my girlfriend for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. We even called up Maude, the lady next door and she tried too, but still nothing.

The shocked doctor said. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, and my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A rather confident man walked into a bar and took a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment. The woman noticed this and asked, "Is your date running late?" The man replied, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman said, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The man said, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," She say, "What's it telling you now?" He says, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man replied, "Damn, this thing must be an hour fast."

A dietitian, addressing a large audience in Chicago, said to the crowd, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful, soft drinks erode your stomach lining and Chinese food is loaded with MSG. None of us even realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

The dietitian continued, "There is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. She cried out, "Hello?" There was no answer. She cried out again, "Is there anyone here?" Still, no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared. She yelled at the top of her voice, "Hello? Is there anyone here?" Then, a faint voice from far, far away called out, "We're down here!"

That's it for today my little goslings. Remember, chastity is curable if detected early. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Time For A Reality Check

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:12:00 +0000

Halloween's over and reality, as it is wont to do, has returned in full force. It was interesting to hear Obama expound today on how well the economy is rebounding after the "stimulus package" and the government bailouts.

With those words in mind, I read in today's financial news that CIT Group, the giant small business lender, filed for a "pre-packaged bankruptcy" Sunday night carrying some $71 billion in assets, after last ditch attempts to avert such an outcome failed. The development will keep the doors open at the 101-year-old small business lender, but there will be heavy losses, including, most likely, $2.3 billion in taxpayer bailout funds which will never be collected. CIT's bankruptcy filing will be the fifth largest in U.S. history, after Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual, Worldcom and General Motors.

The government is also spending our tax dollars on the new "Obama phone" which provides eligible families a FREE new phone and approximately 70 minutes of FREE minutes every month. Before you become all excited about this concept, if you have a job and pay taxes, chances are you don't qualify. Evidently, the concept of God, family, and hard work have flown out the window and are being replaced with "Hope and Change" and "Change we can believe in."

While I think it's a good idea to provide anyone a phone that will dial 911 or their home, I think any additional minutes for idle chatter is a bit much. You can click on the link below to read more about the "Obama phone." https://www.safelinkwireless.com/EnrollmentPublic/home.aspx

The new Navy assault ship USS New York, built with World Trade Center steel, arrived in its namesake city Monday with a 21-gun salute near the site of the 2001 terrorist attack. First responders, families of Sept. 11 victims and the public gathered Monday at a waterfront viewing area, where they could see the crew standing at attention along the deck of the battleship gray vessel.

The News As I See It: Halloween has come and gone and most adults are happy about that, especially after the "adult" parties. The White House always distributes candy to the children on Halloween and the president and first lady distributed over 2,000 gift bags this year. In past years, the Bush administration did the same thing and even included the old ritual of bobbing for apples or, as Dick Cheney calls it, "apple boarding." The Social Security Administration recently announced there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. Social Security is the government's most popular program. A couple of years ago, President Bush wanted to privatize Social Security and put all the money in the stock market. That would have been be like hiring Michael Vick to look after your dog!

Barack Obama's new "Spread the Wealth" pencil sharpener will be mailed to every US taxpayer with the new 2009 IRS tax forms. It's free to everyone who is employed and who will be paying for someone else.
Be watching for yours in your mail box, soon!

This Date In History: 1698; Scottish settlers arrive in Panama as part of the disastrous Darién Venture to create a Scottish colony on the isthmus of Central America. 1917; The Balfour Declaration is issued, stating that Great Britain is in favour of a Jewish national home in Palestine.

1947; Howard Hughes test-flies the Spruce Goose, one of the largest aeroplanes ever constructed, in its one-and-only flight. 1950; George Bernard Shaw, Irish-born dramatist, activist, and Nobel laureate, dies aged 94.

Picture Of The Day: Today's picture of the day is a taste of an entry I have in mind for the upcoming days. Animal pirates is the basic idea but with some hopefully interesting social and political applications.

The words "pirate" and "monkey" can each describe a variety of things but when combined, have an excellent use, double entendre notwithstanding.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It dawned on me today to tell you that if you have a particular song or artist that you'd like me to add to my music playlist, please let me know in your comments and I will add them. 2) Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? 3) One of my pals used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got him fired. 4) Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked. 5) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward V, uncrowned king of England 1470, Daniel Boone, American pioneer 1734, Marie Antoinette, Queen Consort (1774-1792) of Louis XVI of France 1755, James Polk, 11th president of the United States 1795, Warren G. Harding, 29th president of the United States 1865, Burt Lancaster, American actor 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. She looked off into the distance at least three minutes and then she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Kay and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. The frog says, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant about an inch tall and perfectly formed. Confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this tiny porcelain elephant as collateral." She holds up the tiny elephant and says, "What in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are....)

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

That's it for today my little pickle packers. Remember, guns don't kill people but postal workers do! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Halloween

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:16:00 +0000

Halloween is tomorrow and I always enjoy seeing the little kids dressed in their costumes. I'm referring to the wee, little ones, three to seven or eight years old. Half of those kids, at that age, have no idea what's going on but they soon learn to equate Halloween with free candy. The adults, on the other hand, are something else. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called "Blackula." Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called "Dick Cheney."

Last Saturday, I went to one of the local AREA 51 watering holes having no idea that the were having a Halloween party. Most of the women were exquisite but the men's costumes were really lame. It's bad enough that they even dressed in costumes but you would hope they might have had a little imagination.

We used to have Halloween parties when I was married, but I hate to wear costumes. My wife complained so much that eventually, I figured out a way to wear a costume without wearing a costume. Since I like to dress in dark colors, I wore black pants and a black shirt and fashioned a white collar out of the box where I bought the shirt. I put on a grey suede jacket, et voila, "Father Jimmy." This ruse proved rather useful after my divorce as I wore that costume to many Halloween parties and "saved" many females.

At one of our Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My ex-mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked "Where is the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

The News As I See It: The University of Chicago wants to house the Barack Obama Presidential Library. It will be just like George W. Bush’s library, except it will have books. Bush gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. He spoke for a half-hour and said he hoped his words were “inspirationistic.” Bush is really good at motivating. Last year he motivated everyone to vote for Obama. Police in Dallas stand accused of giving traffic tickets to motorists who did not speak English. If they did that in California they could balance the state budget in a week.

President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. In a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban. Former President George W. Bush is going to India tomorrow to give a speech. The speech will be entitled, “Hey, Which of You Snake-Charmers Is Gonna Fix My Computer?”

The Swine Flu scare is an easy excuse for cunning students with a little sense. The fact is that more people die from the common flu than the Swine Flu, but if I was a teenager, I'd be oinking like there's no tomorrow on those cold school days that are passed much easier in bed.

Is That A Ferret In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? It's one thing for shoplifters to hide plunder in their pants. But a live ferret? Police say a homeless man in Jacksonville Beach, Florida did just that. And he made it out the door before being challenged.

Thirty-eight-year-old Rodney Bolton is charged with theft over the $129 animal that police say he took from a pet store in Jacksonville Beach. A 17-year-old witness confronted Bolton in the parking lot and was bitten by the animal after the man allegedly shoved it in the teen's face. That confrontation makes the ferret a "special weapon" under Florida law, so Bolton also faces battery charges for dangerously wielding a ferret.

I would like to sincerely thank all of my readers for their kind words and comments about my nephew, Jonathan Sullivan. His parents, brothers and sisters, and all of our families are deeply touched by your kind response.

This Date In History: 1831; Escaped slave Nat Turner is apprehended in Southampton County, Virginia, several weeks after leading the bloodiest slave uprising in American history. 1925; In his London laboratory, John Logie Baird transmits the first-ever television pictures of a moving image.

1938; Orson Welles stirs panic across the United States of America with his War of the Worlds radio dramatization. 1961; At the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, the Soviet Union detonates a 58-megaton thermonuclear bomb, which at about 2,900 times the size of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima in 1945 is the largest-ever nuclear weapon to be tested.

Picture Of The Day: Halloween pictures are always fun and this Halloween is no exception. There were so many good Pictures available that I'm going to post some more on my other blog. "Jimmy's Journal - The Original." You can find the link on my sidebar. If. by chance they're not yet posted, stop by a little later.

I'm not sure of who the top picture is supposed to be but it did remind me that I haven't gotten my tickets to Michael Jackson's documentary yet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say now is is healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the Swine flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square dancing across America! 2) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 3) Believe it or not, the hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 4) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope. 5) If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Adams, 2nd president of the United States 1735, Ezra Pound, American avant-garde poet, critic, and translator, who exerted an enormous influence on the development of English and American poetry and criticism in the early 20th century 1885, Peter Warlock, composer, critic, editor, and writer 1894, Louis Malle, French film director 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Anne, Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. The Professor said, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." The young man replied indignantly, "Sir, I'm a college graduate." The manager replied, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "Chicago, they're all over the place."

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight, now embarrassed that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

That's it for today my little pumpkins. Remember, if you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" There are Halloween parties galore tonight and I think "Father Jimmy" may have to investigate the flock in AREA 51 tonight. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

In Memory Of My Nephew Jonathan Sullivan

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:13:00 +0000

Today is the sixth anniversary of the death of my nephew, Jonathan. It seems like just yesterday that my father, Jonathan, his father Kirt and I, were sitting in my father's living room and shooting the bull. Little Joe, as we called him, was just a toddler then.

Time passed, as time is wont to do and all the kids grew up. Through thick and thin, divorces and the inevitable changes that all families go through, all of the children became healthy adults. Jonathan joined the United States Navy, serving his country like his father and grandfather before him.

Then, I received a phone call one morning from Brother Kirt. He called to tell me that Jonathan had died. A feeling of complete numbness went over my body and I listened while my brother explained the details of Jonathon's death. It felt almost unreal that Jonathan had died. Other than older family members that are taken over time, none of our children or relatives had ever died young.

Sister Jeanne and I drove up to Kirt's home to be with the family and attended the funeral. I was pleased to see all the family and friends that attended the funeral and it made me feel good inside that Jonathan was loved and cared for by so many.

I will reflect today on Jonathn's brief life and be thankful that all my family and especially my children, nieces and nephews are here to enjoy life. My sincere wishes for a wonderful and caring day for Brother Kirt, Jonathan's mother Janet, sisters Sommer, Ashley and Kimberly, and his brothers, Billy and Chance. Rest In Peace, JoJo.

The News As I See It: The Prez has been criticized for only playing sports with other men. Yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, "Obama plays a round with another woman." Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush played in nearly three years. Bush's handicap is 19. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden.

The White House announced that the government wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his "Cash for Geezers" program." If you're a senior citizen working on Wall Street, then you get $250 thousand. The balloon hoax is still in the news. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam.

Prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal aliens by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, gave them bad advice and stole their money. Hmm, I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me. The ASPCA has now released a list of guidelines and tips if you’re going to dress your pet up in a costume for Halloween. The first tip is, “Get a life.”

Donald Trump’s daughter was married last week at one of her father’s golf courses, and she converted to Orthodox Judaism. Of course, as soon as she became Jewish, she was kicked off the golf course. The Congressional attitude about Obamacare is: To see if your health insurance can save your life or just make it a little better, we need to know if you're a government politician or a common taxpayer.

This Date In History: 1636; The college that would later be known as Harvard University is founded by an act of the General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony. 1886; The Statue of Liberty is formally dedicated by President Grover Cleveland. 1919; US Congress passes the National Prohibition Act, or Volstead Act, despite President Woodrow Wilson's veto of the previous day, introducing Prohibition.

1962; The Cuban Missile Crisis ends as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev announces his government's intent to dismantle and remove all offensive Soviet weapons from Cuba. 1998; Poet Laureate Ted Hughes dies at his home in Devon aged 68.

Picture Of The Day: A chimpanzee named Dorothy recently died of natural causes. Dorothy was in her late 40s, which is well into retirement age for a chimp, when she succumbed to heart failure. As caregivers at the Sanaga-Yong Chimpanzee Rescue Center bore her by wheelbarrow for burial, the typically boisterous apes rushed to the edge of their wired enclosure and fell silent.

They stood -- wrapping arms around one another, resting on each other's shoulder and not making a sound -- as Dorothy's female keeper adjusted her head in preparation for a final farewell. Dorothy was a "prominent figure" among the extended family of about 25 chimps at Sanaga-Yong, and the sanctuary's caregivers made sure the other apes witnessed her last rites.

The chimps, united in mourning, remained there as they watched Dorothy's keeper give her a final, loving stroke on her forehead and then lowered her into the ground. The chimps already knew the meaning of deep personal loss.
All of those living at Sanaga-Yong had been orphaned when their mothers were killed by hunters.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm embarrassed to tell you that I discovered that my refrigerator has two large unused drawers at the bottom. The fact that they are transparent and you can see that they're obviously empty never dawned on me. As it turns out, that is where one would store vegetables. Please remember to visit me at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill. 2) If you choke a Smurf, I wonder what color does it turn? 3) Bigamy is one wife too many. Come to think about it, so is monogamy. 4) It's important to look out for #1, and not to step in #2. 5) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My daughter, Jeannie. Actually, her birthday is tomorrow, so this birthday wish is a day early. Happy B-Day Sweetheart 19XX, My pal, Lourdes - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Cornelis Jansen, Flemish theologian 1585, Auguste Escoffie, French chef, and master of the haute-cuisine style of French cookery originated by Marie Antoine Carême 1846, Howard Hanson, American composer 1896, Evelyn Waugh, author of satirical novels 1903, Francis Bacon, painter 1909, Jonas Salk, American doctor and epidemiologist 1914, Cleo Laine, jazz singer 1927, Bill Gates, American business executive 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An older woman, wanting to put more zest into her life, walks into a tattoo parlour and asks "Do you do custom work?" The artists says, "Yes ma'am, we do." The woman says, "Good! I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "Okay, strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits, examines the tattoos and says, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says, "Oh yes it does and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.

The woman spreads he legs and asks the drunk, "Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?' The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Frances and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The boy said, "Mom, what are all those women doing ?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work." The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth!? They're hookers, boy. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" His mother says, "Most of them become cab drivers."

** Why Brazil won over Chicago for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games **

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damned teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damned train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damned bike leaning against the damned garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

That's it for today my little chili peppers. Remember, sacred cows make the best hamburgers. Hump Day is upon us and I can't find a better reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday

Stay Tuned !

"But I Miss You Most Of All, My Darling, When Autumn Leaves Start To Fall"

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:05:00 +0000

I haven't been to a movie theater in over thirty years. It's not that I don't enjoy movies, rather, it's the atmosphere of today's movie theaters and its patrons that are a turn off. Dirty theaters, incredibly high ticket and food prices and that certain element of the viewing public that consists of morons who talk during the movie.

It is understandable that movies made for children would have considerably more noise than movies for more mature audiences and that's fine. But when you're sitting in a group of theoretical adults, it's a little disconcerting when a group of idiots begin to talk to the characters on the movie screen. Low IQ notwithstanding, even a chimpanzee can be trained to be quiet. Perhaps bringing a bunch of bananas as pacifier's may be the answer.

Things have changed since the days when my friends and I would ride our bicycles the two miles to the local theater on Saturdays. It was a time of great expectations and we rarely knew what movie was playing. We knew, however, that there would be cartoons, the weekly serial, Movietone news and the feature picture. Some Saturdays there would even be two featured movies.

We parked our bicycles out side (with no locks), bought our tickets (usually less than 25 cents) and went directly to the lobby to purchase a soft drink and popcorn. The total price was generally under one dollar and on the few days that we might have more than a dollar, a hot dog was the popular choice and possibly some candy.

In those days, we quickly learned that excessive or loud talking would quickly draw the ire of the usher, who would immediately shine his flashlight on the offending parties, a bright reminder that loud talking was not permitted in the theater. Should the usher have to reprimand you again, you risked being ejected from the theater. Even we kids were smart enough to realize that loud talking or putting your feet up on the chairs was not worth the risk of being kicked out of the theater.

As for me, when a new movie comes out that interests me, I either rent it or wait until it gets to cable. Aside from an occasional meow from my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway, I watch the movie in virtual silence and a bowl of Orville Redenbacher popcorn.

Speaking of movies, I managed to watch two movies this weekend, a feat in and of itself as I went to AREA 51 both Friday and Saturday, arriving home Sunday morning in the wee hours. It's been a while since I'd seen the paperboy. Although these movies may be old to you, I watched "No Country For Old Men" and "Milk."

No Country For Old Men, starring Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, is based on the acclaimed novel by Pulitzer Prize winner Cormac McCarthy and was adapted for the screen and directed by Joel and Ethan Coen (Blood Simple, Fargo). It tells the story of a botched drug deal and the ensuing cat-and-mouse drama, as three men crisscross each other's paths in the desert landscape of 1980 West Texas.

The film was honored with numerous awards, garnering three British Academy of Film awards, two Golden Globes, and four Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Director (Joel and Ethan Coen), Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor (Javier Bardem).

The movie fascinated me and is well acted. Javier Bardem was superb in his role as Anton Chigurh, a sociopathic assassin hired to recover drug money, and his character took on a Jason-esque quality (although much more believable than Halloween's Jason). I watched the movie twice and I'm probably going to have to watch it a third time to pick up all the subtleties. Although movie is violent and I would not recommend it for children under seventeen, it was an outstanding movie and easy to see why it garnered so many awards.

Milk is a 2008 American biographical film on the life of gay rights activist and politician Harvey Milk, who was elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. Directed by Gus Van Sant and written by Dustin Lance Black, the film stars Sean Penn as Milk and Josh Brolin as Dan White. The film was released to much acclaim and earned numerous accolades from film critics and guilds. Ultimately, it received eight Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, winning two for Best Actor in a Leading Role for Penn and Best Original Screenplay for Black.

Although this is not my type of film, I was interested to see why Sean Penn won an Academy Award for his role. I must admit that Penn's performance in the movie was very good, especially since he's a better known for his more defiant macho roles and even his comedic abilities (Fast Times At Ridgemont High). The obvious gay sexual innuendos and mild love scenes were a bit much, but the conflicts and history of that era were pretty much right on.

The ultimate assassinations of County Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone notwithstanding, the in-depth look at the happenings of that era were interesting, including the national agenda of former Florida citrus spokeswoman Anita Bryant and the fight for and against gay rights. One viewing was enough for me, but if you haven't seen the it, Penn's role as Harvey Milk makes the film interesting.

The News As I See It: A Northwest Airlines flight bound to Minneapolis from San Diego overshot the airport by 150 miles. Authorities suspect that the crew and pilot may have dozed off. The crew denies this. In the pilots' defense, the in-flight movie was "The Time Traveler's Wife." No guy can stay up for that. People are already criticizing the Obama administration's decision to cut the pay of the executives at companies that received bailout money. They say this could cause a lot of these guys to quit. Right! I sure wouldn’t want to lose the geniuses who lost us hundreds of billions of dollars.

China has accused Google of copyright infringement claiming Google scanned hundreds of Chinese authors’ work for Google's digital library without their permission. China is so upset they've threatened to stop using Google to illegally download American movies and CDs. That balloon boy incident was so intense, Maria Shriver put down her cell phone while driving, picked up her Sony TV Watchman to watch. It was smart for them to try this balloon stunt while President Obama's in office. That wouldn't have worked with Bush Administration. Cheney would have shot that balloon down.

This Date In History: 1825; The Erie Canal officially opens, providing inland water transportation between the East Coast and the Great Lakes region of North America. 1863; The Football Association, the world’s first such governing body for association football, is formed at the Freemasons’ Tavern, in Great Queen Street, London.

1881; In the “Gunfight at the O. K. Corral”, in Tombstone, Arizona, Marshal Wyatt Earp, and four others, including Doc Holliday, kill three suspected cattle rustlers of the notorious Clanton gang. 1960; Penguin Books go on trial in London accused of publishing pornographic material in the form of Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D. H. Lawrence.

1979; Twelve years into the World Health Organization’s vaccination campaign against smallpox, the last-ever naturally occurring case on Earth is reported in Somalia.

Picture Of The Day: The change of seasons always is a plethora of spectacular scenery and I was hard pressed to narrow my selections down to fit today's entry. Autumn is upon us and I decided that I'd just post some of the marvelous pictures that I have recently seen. One of the things that I learned today was that Autumn is the beginning of the season when the leaves begin to turn from green to the very beautiful array of seasonal colors. Fall describes the time of the season that the trees have lost all of their leaves.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. 2) I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 3) I often wonder just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven. 4) I don't think you should get married. Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house, it's a lot easier. 5) I think my wild oats are slowly turning into shredded wheat.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Georges Jacques Danton, French Revolutionary leader 1759, Mahalia Jackson, American gospel singer 1911, François Mitterrand, French politician, President of France (1981-1995), the longest-serving French presidential incumbent 1916, Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlavi, shah of Iran 1919, John Arden, playwright 1930, Hillary Clinton, American lawyer, senator and Secretary of State 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. The rabbi said, "Wal-Mart? Why Wal-Mart?" The Old lady said, "Then I'll be sure my daughter will visit me twice a week."

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Garnett, Meg, Nancy and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said. "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had? Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious and asked, "I have never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded and said, "Pepper."

That's it for today my little peppermint patties and patricks. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, try left field. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

If At First You Don't Succeed, Do Something Else !

JimSulliv3@aol.com (Jimmy's Journal) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:30:00 +0000

Did you ever have one of those days? You know, those days when everything you touch seems to turn into proverbial "caca?" Yesterday was one of those days and, oddly enough, it started out pretty well. That is until I decided that I shouldn't fix something that wasn't broken; I couldn't leave well enough alone; I wouldn't let a sleeping dog lie....and so it started.

I was pretty happy yesterday because my business received an overdue check and the timing of it's arrival was excellent. I filled out a deposit form and decided that I'd walk about a block to the branch bank to deposit it. I stopped by the local bakery and had a cup of Cuban coffee on the way.

After making the deposit, I stopped by the bakery again to purchase some pastries and a colada (a large cup of Cuban coffee that can be shared with others or sipped throughout the day.) Entering the house, I put the colada on the kitchen counter and went to the bedroom to change into my slippers. When I got back to the kitchen, the bag containing the Cuban coffee had a wet, black look and I realized that the either the cup had a leak or I set it down wrong. Either way, it was a mess.

Cleaning up sticky Cuban coffee is no easy task and after I cleaned everything, I decided to walk back to the bakery to get another colada. You'd think that a warning light would immediately go off in my head but I was so content that I got that check, I figured, what the hell......it's good exercise.

Returning home with my second colada, I carefully sat it down and poured a little cup for myself. I opened the garbage can and threw the small plastic coffee cup away. Then, I promptly reached for the lid to the colada, turned to place it on the colada and spilled it again. This time, I not only managed to spill it, but I spilled it on my bank deposit book as well.

The moral to the story? If you happen to be an sadistic Irish spastic, don't open Cuban coffee within ten feet of anything or get a kid to do it for you.

The News As I See It: Under the new guidelines issued by the Obama administration, federal agents won't pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called "Don't ask, don't . . . What was I talking about?" The "balloon boy" saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father’s helium tanks were actually repossessed. I assume they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested.

In the latest news from the Pentagon, the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News. Former Vice President Dick Cheney accused President Obama of "dithering" over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Don't confuse that with what President Bush did. That was doodling.

Soupy Sales has passed away at the age of 83. His legend spans all the way back to the '50s and '60s, thanks to "The Soupy Sales Show" and "What's My Line?" Sales died Thursday night at Calvary Hospice in the Bronx, New York. At the peak of his fame in the 1950s and '60s, Sales was one of the best-known faces in the nation. Personally, I remember the countless hours of afternoon fun watching his show. Rest In Peace, Soupy.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (Cat Award) goes to Richard and Mayumi Heene for their asinine antics that could have been far more dangerous if an accident had occurred during the balloon chase. Congratulations to Richard and Mayumi and enjoy your upcoming punishment.

This Date In History: 42 BC; Marcus Junius Brutus, the most senior assassin of Julius Caesar, is defeated by Mark Antony and Octavian at the Second Battle of Philippi, and commits suicide by falling on his own sword. 1642; The Battle of Edgehill, the first major battle of the English Civil War, proves indecisive.

1862; Otto I, the Bavarian-born first king of Greece, is forced to abdicate and return to Bavaria after a revolutionary government takes control in Athens in his absence. 1956; The Hungarian Revolution begins as students and workers demonstrate in Budapest against Soviet domination and Communist rule.

Picture Of The Day: Yes, it was one of those days, but I'm not the only one who's had days like that. Today's pictures bring to mind the old adage "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all." It's so true, my little sea monkeys and just when you though it was safe to go back into the water.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. 2) The only problem I have with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills. 3) I knew a guy who had so many blind dates, they gave him a free dog. 4) The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 5) If you teach your kid to be polite and courteous, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Pierre Athanase Larousse, French grammarian, lexicographer, and encyclopedist 1817, Robert Bridges, poet 1844, Sarah Bernhardt, French actress, who was the best-known stage figure of her time 1844, Gertrude Ederle, cross-Channel swimmer 1906, Michael Crichton, American novelist, film director, and screenwriter 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Bessie said, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" Bessie says, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. As she pops her eye back in place, she says, "I am so sorry. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time and the next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! Everything had been so incredible! He says,"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " The woman replies, "No, you just happened to catch my eye."

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. The sales clerk said, "Of course, madam,exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

The woman said, "Well, I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

The clerk asked, "What about your third husband?" The woman replied, "That one was a Democrat and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, always follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. I'm going to AREA51 for Happy Hour maybe some nude karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !