Baltimore, Chicago, Detroit and other cities are seeing a continuing exodus of its citizens, moving to better and safer locations due to crime and violence. They are also moving from states with high state taxes like California, Michigan and New York. Some of these states are now offering businesses tax free exemptions to move there because of revenue loss.
Why? Why didn't someone see the handwriting on the wall and take preventative steps to stop the problem? Why didn't the cities crack down on crime before it got out of hand? Why didn't states tighten their budgets prior to realizing people were moving out?
Why? People are fed up with thugs who commit crime every day. People are fed up with big governments that tax the common citizen at every opportunity. Moreover people are fed up with liars and thieves who run these governments, lining their pockets.
So what happens? Slowly but surely, law abiding citizens move to a healthier, less taxing, environment, leaving the cities to the lawless and government officials. The tax base of the city grows smaller and services are reduced or cut. The city falls into disrepair, homes are foreclosed and the final result is one giant ghetto whose inhabitants feed on each other.
Businesses that are burned out in riots rarely return to rebuild. In the current Baltimore rioting, my thoughts are that the CVS that was looted and burned will not return. The almost completed, senior citizens building which would have had sixty low-income residencies may or may nor return.
Political corectness is totally out of hand and the media and government say nothing without making sure that it is PC. There is always some bleeding heart coming forward and crying inequality, injustice or religous persecution.
Allowing thugs to rule the streets, looting and burning everything in sight is insane. The media fans the flames with extensive coverage while incorrectly reasoning that the thugs are protesting someone's death by police.
Nothing could be farther from the truth. While some may indeed be upset by an unexplained death, the majority look at the situation as an opportunity to steal.
Time and space does not allow further and deeper thoughts, but the day is nearing when the majority will stand up and not allow a few people to control the lives of the many.....
The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton was channeling Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii. Clinton wrote an Op-Ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, "Why didn't you just say that in a speech?" and she said, "Because I charge $200,000 for a speech."
Bruce Jenner, In a two-hour interview last Friday, told ABC's Diane Sawyer, "For all intents and purposes, I'm a woman." At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.
Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. He said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it.
Former President Jimmy Carter during a recent press conference, said he could never run for president today because he doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he's currently tied with Obama as the worst president in history.
A new survey has found that people in Ireland tell an average of four white lies per day. Three of them are, "I’m fine to drive home."
This Date In History: 1429;
Joan of Arc entered the city of Orléans. She would end its months-long siege and would become known as the "Maid of Orléans."
1916;
The Easter rebellion in Ireland ended with the surrender of Irish nationalists.
1945;
American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp.
1978;
Japan's Naomi Uemura, traveling by sled dog, became the first person to reach the North Pole alone.
1980;
Film director Alfred Hitchcock died at age of 80.
1986;
Pitcher Roger Clemens set a major league baseball record by striking out 20 batters in a regular nine-inning game. He repeated his feat in 1996.
1992;
A Los Angeles jury acquitted four police officers accused of beating Rodney King. Massive rioting and looting ensued.
1997;
The first joint U.S.-Russian space walk was made by Jerry Linenger and Vasily Tsibliyev from space station Mir.
2011;
Kate Middleton marries Prince William in a lavish royal wedding at Westminster Abbey in London.
Picture Of The Day: Even young kids are learning the violent lifestyle of their peers.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend says I shouldn’t walk around the yard naked because our neighbors might think she's just with me for my money.
2) They’re considering a new 10-cent fee on grocery bags in California. Who's laughing at the eight-thousand bags under my sink now? 3) To those people who don't have a name for their newborn: What the hell were you doing for the past nine months? 4) I'm sorry that I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown. 5) Girls love guys with tattoos because it means they're willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 29th: Today might be the day when you get stuck in a hole with a dwarf. All that research you did into dwarf habits in order to prevent mental breakdown should come in handy. Giving dwarfs nicknames like "Shorty" or any reference to Snow White's entourage may be in poor taste.
Birthdays: William Randolph Hearst, American journalist and publisher 1863, Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor 1879, Duke Ellington, musician 1899, Hirohito, Japanese emperor 1901, Zubin Mehta, conductor 1936, Dale Earnhardt, auto racer 1951, Jerry Seinfeld, comedian 1955, Daniel Day-Lewis, actor 1958, Michelle Pfeiffer, actor 1958, Andre Agassi, tennis player 1970, Uma Thurman, actor 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his fishing gear. His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey,I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit fishing. Maybe you should sell your boat."
Jim got a horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" Jim replied, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife." She screamed, "Ex-wife?! I didn't know you were married before!" Jim said, "I wasn't....."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?" The second man replied, "No, it's Thursday." The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contributions to today's stories.
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00."
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on."
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.
A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana." The dejected cowboy walks away.
The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff."
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas."
The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive.
The baby skunk was alive and she said to her husband, "It’s nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm and let it go in the morning?"
He said, "Okay, get in the car with it."
His wife got in the car with the little skunk and asked, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there." She asked, "But what about the smell?" Her husband replied, "Just hold its little nose."
That's it for today, my little polecats. Remember, the life you lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Discretion is advised. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More than 4,000 people are now known to have died in the massive earthquake which hit Nepal on Saturday.
More than 6,500 people have been injured, according to the National Emergency Operation Centre.
Dozens of people are also reported to have been killed in neighboring China and India.
More than 200 climbers have been rescued around Mount Everest, which was struck by deadly avalanches in the 7.8-magnitude quake.
Vast tent cities have sprung up in Nepal's capital, Kathmandu, for those displaced or afraid to return to their homes as strong aftershocks continued.
Thousands spent Sunday night - their second night - outside.
Officials have warned that the number of casualties could rise as rescue teams reach remote mountainous areas of western Nepal.
Initial reports suggest that many communities, especially those close to mountainsides, suffered significant quake damage.
A spokesman for the aid agency World Vision said,
"Villages like this are routinely affected by landslides, and it's not uncommon for entire villages of 200, 300, up to 1,000 people to be completely buried by rock falls."
A man evacuated by helicopter to Pokhara, 200km from Kathmandu, said almost every home in his village of more than 1,000 houses had been destroyed. My prayers and thoughts are with the people of Nepal.
Author's Note: Today's pictures can be seen larger by clicking on them.
The News As I See It: Miami Dolphins lineman A.J.Francis tweeted that he has signed up to be an Uber driver during the offseason. But since he's with the Dolphins he can only drive 15 yards before he has to punt.
It’s being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You’d think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, "We have your search history. Do what we tell you."
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. Hillary Clinton said, "I'm available." Hillary is just a regular person, just like you and me. Her assistant puts on Hillary's pants one leg at a time.
This Date In History: 1521;
Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines.
1805;
The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli.
1865;
The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.
1956;
Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion.
1961;
Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain.
1983;
Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record—one that had held since 1927.
1987;
Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II.
Picture Of The Day: There is death and destruction everywhere
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I probably should've said, "Congratulations on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".
2) Keep your friend's toast, but keep your enemy's toaster. 3) Ladies, men will never get what you mean by "I’m fine" unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle. 4) My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family, so I started dating her sister. 5) All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes and tell me it's ok to get out of her bushes.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 29th: Heavy drinking can lead to a number of social problems, mostly the belief that, after singing karaoke at the local pub, you missed the opportunity to be a rock star.
This, of course, is patently absurd.
Your singing ability has been described as "unable to carry a tune in a water bucket".
Fortunately, the heavy drinking syndrome is waived on all holidays and your birthday, so today, just grab a microphone and go for it !
Birthdays: My daughter Jeannette - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Mary Wollstonecraft, author and feminist 1759, Samuel F. B. Morse, inventor 1791, Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States 1822, C. Day Lewis, author 1904, Coretta Scott King, civil-rights leader 1927, August Wilson, playwright 1945.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
Bill replied, "But doctor, I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" The doctor replied, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."
A blind man us being interviewed for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." The manager says, "Correct, now try this one." The blind man says, "That's a bad piece of willow." The manager answers, "Correct."
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. The blind man says, "I'm confused. Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the outhouse door off a tuna boat!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga went into town to pick up her dry cleaning.
"Goodness, its hotter den hell today", she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed a tavern and thought to herself, "Vy nodt…?"
The bartender walked up to her and said, "And what would you like to drink today?" Helga replied in a timid voice, "Vell, ya know, I don't usually go into da bars but today I vill make an exception. It iss zo hot, I tink I vill have myself a beer."
The bartender smiled at Helga and asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and said, "Vell, it's fine, tanks and how's yur veiner?"
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons to be learned here: 1) Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2) Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
That's it for today, my little chick peas. Remember, if those people who were ever mean to you were laid out end to end, you could drive your car right over them. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Monday.
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Have you ever wondered who was the first person to say, "I'm hungry for something new. I think I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of that chicken's ass." Seriously, someone had to be the "Mikey" who would eat or try anything.
I mean, who discovered milk? Did someone just say to their friend, "I think I'm going to go pull on those dangily things on that animal and drink whatever comes out."?
People drink many animals' milk...the cow, the goat, even the yak. I've never heard of anyone drinking horse's milk, though. Evidently, choosing which animal's milk to drink was based on trial and error.
My mother told me I was raised on goat's milk because I wouldn't nurse and cow's milk didn't seem to suit my digestive system. I don't know if that's really true, but I do have a penchant for climbing rocks and butting heads.
I am convinced that certain foods, especially vegetables, are a punishment from God thanks to Adam and Eve's romp in the Garden of Eden. Surely, that is the only reason for the existence of asparagus, kale and other disgusting vegetables. Combine that with liver and my appetite goes right into the dumpster.
The News As I See It: Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new movie that focuses on a zombie apocalypse. It takes place in an empty wasteland with no living beings....just like the movie theater where it's playing.
Yesterday was "Take Your Sons or Daughters to Work Day....or as Woody Allen calls it, "Take Your Wife To Work Day."
Wednesday was Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth. As humans, the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons. The first Earth Day took place in 1970. At the rate we are going, the last one should be soon.
New Yorkers, on average, create 15 pounds of garbage every week. Of course, that goes up if you're disposing of a body.
The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1st, tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So finally, the gay and lesbian community will be able to say to a police officer, "No, this is just weed."
This Date In History: 1800;
Library of Congress was established.
1898;
Spain declared war on the U.S..
1915;
Turks began deportation of Armenians that led to the massacre of between 600,000 and 1.5 million Armenians.
1916;
The Easter Rebellion begins in Dublin, Ireland. Although unsuccessful, the uprising was an important symbolic event leading to the establishment of the Republic of Ireland.
1953;
Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II.
1990;
The shuttle Discovery blasted off with the Hubble Space Telescope.
Picture Of The Day: No rhyme, no reason, just cute!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some woman was staring at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
2) A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
3) (Doctor): "Are you sexually active?" (Me): "Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanoes that haven't gone off in years." 4) I'm not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if it took one look at me naked and then leaped willingly to its death.
5) I have said it before and I will say it again. If anyone is into wife swapping, I will take a dirt bike or a puppy.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 24th: Love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the strangest places you've ever imagined. On the other hand, it could be hidden in a pantry, bound and gagged. There are some strange things that go on in pantries. I know, I've been there.
Birthdays: Anthony Trollope,
novelist 1815,
John R. Pope,
architect 1874,
Willem de Kooning,
artist 1904, Robert Penn Warren, American novelist, poet, and critic 1905,
Shirley MacLaine,
actress 1934,
Barbra Streisand, singer, actress 1942,
Kelly Clarkson,
singer 1982.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Sha'squachia, a pregnant woman, was involved in a car accident and while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child and asked, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. You should also know that while you were in a coma, your brother D'Tyrone named the children for you."
Sha'squachia shrieked, "Lordy, not my brother! He's not really very bright." The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise." Sha'squachia smiled and said, "Oh, that's no so bad. What's the boy's name?" The doctor smiled and said, "Denephew."
Two NBA basketball players were in a bar talking and one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first one asked, "Why is that?" The second guy says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although, if she wanted to, she could take a tub bath in front of the fire.
The woman said, "Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts."
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the tub and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait outside the window. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" The girl said, "No, I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" The woman said, "Oh, yes", and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" He answered, "Yes, but why the hell did you have to show her yours." His wife replied, "Why ever are you worried about that? You’ve seen it often enough before." Her husband answered, " I know, but the whole damn dart team hadn’t!"
Three little boys were upset because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said to the janitor, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest replied, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked,"What do you think that means?" The oldest one replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."
That's it for today, my little chipmunks. Remember, the worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Steve Byrnes, the longtime FOX Sports NASCAR broadcaster whose courageous battle against cancer drew support from every corner of stock car racing, died Tuesday at age 56.
Byrnes passed away just two days after the race at Bristol Motor Speedway, which was named the "Food City 500 in Support of Steve Byrnes."
Though he was unable to attend the race, Byrnes watched it on TV and tweeted a response to a fan who asked if he made it through the entire rain-delayed event. Byrnes tweeted, "I went the distance."
Steve was almost always seen with a smile on his face, and kept up a relentlessly positive attitude throughout his cancer fight. He often shared insights into his battle via social media and a legion of #ByrnesStrong supporters tweeted their encouragement to him.
He usually responded, always grateful and appreciative of the well wishes.
Even when he learned his cancer had spread after a second full round of treatment, Byrnes showed no signs of giving up. During Sunday's race, crewmen from every team stood on the pit wall with signs from the Stand Up To Cancer organization that read "I stand up for Steve."
Byrnes tweeted Sunday, "Thanks to all for a remarkable day, my teammates at NASCAR ON FOX. Miss you all. Thanks for your love."
The heartbreaking news came just two days later. Rest in peace, Steve......
The News As I See It: Tim Tebow will officially sign a contract with the Eagles. It is pretty shocking, mainly because I didn't even know he played an instrument.
In North Korea, Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr.
Obama hosted NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both spent an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.
An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren’t releasing the fence jumper’s identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit.
The way I see it, ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his dorky flat brimmed baseball hat that he's wearing backwards and his arms are marked with what seems to be graffiti, that's his way of telling you he won't pay child support.
This Date In History: 1500;
Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal.
1509;
Henry VIII became king of England.
1616;
The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid. (Some sources say April 23.)
1864;
Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency.
1889;
The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers.
1970;
The first Earth Day was observed.
1994;
Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81.
2000;
Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.
Picture Of The Day: If there's any consolation about Steve's passing, it's the fact that he was able to see Sunday's celebration of his life at Bristol Motor Speedway and the many NASCAR fans, drivers, owners and others who showed him their love and appreciation.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Damn! I didn't make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row. 2) I see dead people. Technically they're stupid people, but give it time. 3) A good indication of the intelligence of celebrities can be measured by the names they give their children. In an interview, one particular pair mentioned their children, "Shoe and Turbo Pickle." 4) It was an awkward moment when she said, "And yet your feet are so big." 5) The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 22nd: Dank, inhospitable service station toilets may turn out to be your best friend today. After all, like life, it's just one big crap chute, anyway.
Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León (1474–1504), daughter of John II of Castile 1451,
Henry Fielding,
author 1707,
Immanuel Kant, philosopher 1724,
Vladimir Lenin,
Russian revolutionary 1870,
Vladimir Nabokov,
author 1899,
J. Robert Oppenheimer,
nuclear physicist 1904,
Charles Mingus,
jazz musician 1922,
Bettie Page,
model, pinup 1923,
Jack Nicholson,
actor 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents.
She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator.
She said, "And finally, I want to thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator."
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. She explained, "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours....."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney World." Obama said, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes." Barrack said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them."
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset." Obama was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."
The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. They said, "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." Wilkens exclaimed, "Tell me! Did you find her?"
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." Wilkens said, "Oh my God!"
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
That's it for today, my little whipporwills. Remember, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, 9 out of 10 times the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More on Friday.
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