The Usual Suspects

Writing today's post, I am reminded that I am lucky to have so many great friends. Glancing at my sidebar pictures, I am even more fortunate that the bevy of beautiful women pictured there allow me to sit amongst their midst. One's riches is indeed one's friends.

It seems that every week or so, my friends and I embark on a new adventure and our group of comrades changes depending on who can make it, my getting a weekend pass from the home or some of them making bail. We're not all crazy, but when you hang out with our group, crazy is an asset.

We always have a great time singing karaoke and cracking jokes. We are known is some places to have actually closed the bar.

Our group is mainly comprised of the usual suspects but newcomers occasionally stray into the group and we are open to most. If they happen to be female, my overseer usually tightens my leash cautioning me not to scare them away.

Yep, I've probably been on more adventures than most people and I look forward to the next outing. As you may have noticed, no names were mentioned in today's post because it could be hazardous to my health, but you know who you are.....
   

The News As I See It: Ben of Ben and Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called "Bernie’s Yearning." It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, "Pantsuit Email Crunch."

At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that "in many areas judgment should be left to God." Then God was like, "Okay, you really shouldn't have deleted all those emails."

Donald Trump didn't take part in the debate on Fox News because Megyn Kelly, one of the moderators, is someone he does not like. He tweeted, "I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo, because that would not be politically correct. Instead, I will only call her a lightweight reporter."

Chipotle is now being accused of gender discrimination. A spokesperson for Chipotle said, "That’s not true, we serve both E. coli and She. coli."

People are upset because in a new movie Michael Jackson is going to be played by a British white man. The producers said, "We didn’t want to cast a white man, but we did want to get nominated for an Oscar."

This Date In History: 1802; John Beckley became the first Librarian of Congress. He was paid $2 a day. 1845; Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven was published. 1850; Henry Clay introduced the Compromise of 1850 to the Senate.

1861; Kansas became the 34th state in the United States. 1886; Karl Benz received a patent for the first successful gasoline-driven car.

1936; Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Christy Mathewson, and Walter Johnson were the first players elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York.

1963; Poet Robert Frost died in Boston. 2002; In his State of the Union address, President Bush labels Iraq, Iran, and North Korea an "axis of evil."

Picture Of The Day: Glenn Frey, vocalist and lead guitar player for the Eagles band and co-author of "Hotel California" dies at age 67. Rest in Peace.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living. 2) My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah and I had to give it to her because as far as I know, that's correct. 3) The fact that peanut butter companies feel it necessary to put on the jar that the product "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race. 4) Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screen shot of your degree?  5) I was trying to make pancakes this morning and, as it turns out, I didn't get the spatula in the divorce.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 29th: An Asian person may appear in your life this week. If you're lucky, it will be a man because chances are that he will be a Sushi chef. On the other hand, it may be a lovely young woman. But remember, just because the tattoo above the crack in her ass has Chinese characters in it doesn't make her spiritual. It translates to "beef with broccoli."

Birthdays: Emanuel Swedenborg, scientist, religious teacher 1688, Jeffrey Amherst, army officer 1717, Thomas Paine, political theorist and writer 1737, William McKinley, 25th president of the United States 1843, Anton Chekhov, writer 1860, Frederick Delius, composer 1862, John D. Rockefeller, Jr. philanthropist 1874, W. C. Fields, actor 1880, Edward Abbey, writer 1927, Tom Selleck, actor 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her.

Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!"

The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price."

A man goes to his doctor's office and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor says, "Good grief! I'd better take a look."

The doctor examines the man and says, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. He asks her, "Say Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?"

His mother explained, "Because he was conceived on an evening when the winds blew strong and the rain came down upon us."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? His mother replied, "Well, your father and I were walking in a cornfield that was ready to harvest when we made her."

He then asked, "And why is my other sister called Moon Child"? His mother said, "We were lying in a beautiful meadow observing the full moon when she was conceived."

The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. The man gasps, "Somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd and there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man. He says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

That's it for today, my little chili peppers. Remember, if you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, legally, they don't have to sell you anything . I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Odds And Ends

I dreamed I saved my cat Samantha from an eagle (who changed into a snake). It was surreal as I could actually feel the pain as I grabbed it's beak-mouth and pried it apart with my hands to get Sam's head out of it's mouth. I woke up and Sam's ok but my pillow's ripped.

As a young man, my dreams were of touchdowns, home runs, catching that big bass and the exotic moments in life...all great. Sadly, as an older man, my dreams have been reduced to saving animals and dealing with characters of my past, including two people who I have actually shot in three different dreams.

Perhaps in my next dream. I'll buy a more lethal weapon and go to the shooting range.

Donald Trump says he won't participate in the next debate. He has issues with Megyn Kelly. Frankly, I saw that debate and Kelly obviously has issues with Trump and came loaded for bear. Ms. Kelly needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her. A pretty face does not necessarily qualify one as a journalist.

The News As I See It: The Iowa caucuses are less than a week away. Then, after that, the candidates can go back to ignoring Iowa completely.

CNN had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let them park the CNN satellite trucks in his corn field.

Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So, in other words, Ted Cruz is the number one choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.

U.S. News and World Report released their annual list of the Best Jobs for 2016. According to them, the two best jobs are orthodontist and dentist. Really? The best job in America is to be born a Kardashian. The least desirable job on the list for 2016? Bill Cosby's publicist.

Ben of Ben and Jerrys has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $20 dollars.

This Date In History: 1880: Thomas Edison was granted a patent for his incandescent light. 1944; The Soviets announced the end of the two-year siege of Leningrad.

1945; The Russians liberated Auschwitz concentration camp, where the Nazis had killed over 1.5 million people, including over 1 million Jews. 1951; The U.S. Air Force started atomic testing in the Nevada desert.

1967; The Apollo I fire killed astronauts Grissom, White, and Chaffee during a simulated launch at Cape Canaveral. 1973; Vietnam War peace accords were signed in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: Normally, I would insert a picture in this spot but this diddy from my friend Kaye amused me and I hope it amuses you, as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I just learned an important lesson. When texting "Wish you were here" that last "e" kind of makes it or breaks it. 2) Why is it that the people with the ugliest feet always wear flip-flops? 3) It's good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart, you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on. 4) A woman knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children's Home, so I gave her my kids. She brought them back the next day and gave me $100. 5) My parents never asked me to run away from home, but then there were so many unexplained one way tickets......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 27th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish. Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Wolfgang Mozart, Austrian composer 1756, Lewis Carroll, writer 1832, Samuel Gompers, labor leader 1850, Jerome Kern, composer 1885, Hyman G. Rickover, admiral 1900, Samuel C.C. Ting, physicist 1936, Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer 1948, John G. Roberts Jr, jurist 1955, Frank Miller, artist, writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. The old man responds, "I'm 85 years old."

The madam says, "85 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

A young lawyer decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous. He felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At the morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is terrorist and a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

When asked to comment on the arrest, Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. The woman said, as she popped her eye back in place and said, "Oh, I am so sorry.Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

He said, "You know,you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' She replies, "No, you just happened to catch my eye....."

That's it for today, my little chickadees. Remember, don't let maladies and ailments keep you down. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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The Scalawags Strike Again

I got another weekend pass from the home and Saturday night, "The Scalawags" met up at Woody's Tavern for a great evening despite being the coldest night of the year, thus far. Oh, and the wind was gusting up to 20 mph.

Yep, it was cold and what's worse is that I had to rifle through my
"winter" clothes trying to find a turtle neck sweater that didn't laugh as I put it on. Some of the sweaters actually said aloud, "Yeah, that'll fit (snicker)."

Of course, I had my timing down pat as I waited for the stupid train make the South River Drive crossing. The damn thing begins to pass for 10 minutes, then stops and backs up for another 10 minutes and finally passes (total wait time 20-30 minutes).

But it was a fun evening, everybody interrupting everybody and continual laughter at each other's stories. I will say that it's good thing the conversations weren't recorded. Did anyone's ears start burning Saturday night?

Although I have no idea of the hour I went to bed, my neighbor's rooster courteously reported the 5 am hour. Coincidentally, I'm having fried chicken for dinner tonight. Just kidding.....I'm having Chicken Francaise.

The News As I See It: A researcher found lyrics to a song that Woody Guthrie wrote over 50 years ago about Donald Trump's father, Fred Trump. I believe it was called, this land is my land and this land is my land and this land is also my land.

Samsung has a new washing machine that can connect to your smartphone and send you updates about your laundry. They say it's perfect for people who are either extremely busy or have nothing else going on.

This Date In History: 1890; Nellie Bly bested Jules Verne's Around the World in 80 Days by completing her circumnavigation in 72 days. 1890; United Mine Workers of America was founded. 1915; Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated transcontinental telephone service.

1924; The first Winter Olympic games opened at Chamonix, France. 1961; President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference carried live on radio and television. 1971; Charles Manson was found guilty of murdering Sharon Tate and six others.

Picture Of The Day: The Scalawags.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Look, if you really need a Heimlich maneuver, just ask me nicely. Enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit. 2) When I was a child, I dreamed of being a cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe. 3) Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door. 4) I was leading in a trivia game at a bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, Fiji is the correct answer. 5) My suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 25th: Most people are easily pleased if you use your head. An almost guaranteed smile of satisfaction begins with the easiest but most important item you purchase, the birthday card.

The first and most important step, however, is to actually read the card. Nothing looks worse than to give your significant other a birthday card that reads, "Happy Birthday Grandma."

Birthdays: Joseph Louis Lagrange, mathematician and astronomer 1736, Robert Burns, poet 1759, George Edward Pickett,  Confederate general 1825, W. Somerset Maugham, writer 1874, Virginia Woolf, English writer 1882, Corazon Aquino, politician 1933, Eusebio, soccer player 1942, Steve Prefontaine, runner 1951 Alicia Keys, singer, songwriter 1981, Tatiana Golovin, tennis player 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself. He says, "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine replies, "No, thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

The man says, "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine says, "No, they spread."

(Operator): "911" (Voice): "My wife is going into labor, what do I do?" (Operator): "Relax sir, is this her first born?" (Voice): "No, this is her husband."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know. How would you know that this is the right cow to be bred?" Amy said, "Easy, by the nail that's over its stall."

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Trump says, "We're planning World War III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Trump says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Trump turns to Sanders and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."

That's it for today, my little skittles. Remember, deer don’t think too much. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the president and Congress.

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More on Wednesday.

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Jonas Is Expected To Be One Whale Of A Winter Storm

I hate cold weather. I have skied in Vail and Lake Tahoe, but it's a dry cold. Dressed properly, it is very pleasant. East coast snow, however, is wet and miserable. That is the kind of cold that renders me useless. I feel for those who will go through it this weekend.

Oddly enough, the coldest I've ever been was on a camping trip in the Florida Everglades where the official temperature was 38 degrees. The weatherman failed to mention that the cutting wind was gusting up to 25 miles per hour and 'glades temps are usually 4-5 degrees colder.

There is nothing more miserable than a cold, humid 33 degree wind that cuts through you like a knife, especially when you're a young and fearless young man who neglected to check the weather forecast before going camping.

Jonah has already turned deadly churned up the East Coast on Friday afternoon, forecast to transform into an angry blizzard that could bury the nation's capital under more than 2 feet of snow.

The weekend whiteout, which threatens to be Washington, D.C.'s worst in a century and bring blizzard conditions to Philadelphia and New York, has led to 6,000 canceled flights and caused at least six deaths. The storm is expected to last well into Sunday.

Sounds like a good reason to stay home this weekend.....  

The News As I See It: Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas and mispronounced their daughter Malia's name and it sounded like he said "Malala." Then his brother George was like, "Heh! Looks like the student has become the mustard!"

Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent — that is incredibly high, as are many of his supporters.

This Date In History: 1901; Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for 63 years (the 4th longest among longest-reigning monarchs and the longest for queens).

1905; 500 workers were killed by the Czar's troops in "Bloody Sunday" in St. Petersburg. 1938; Thornton Wilder's play Our Town first performed publicly in Princeton, N.J. 1973; Former President Lyndon B. Johnson died at age 64.

1973; The Supreme Court legalized some abortions in Roe v. Wade. 1997; The U.S. Senate confirmed Madeleine Albright as the first female secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Hillary Nixon.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square, much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature. 2) Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette. 3) For the past two nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I'm terrified to Web MD this. I'm too old to have kittens. 4) Even the stick figure woman on my girlfriend's back window has a headache. 5) My friend said his new glasses made everything look much bigger so I bought them from him and gave them to my girlfriend.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 22nd: Keep you chin up and out your best foot forward, that is, assuming you know which foot is best. If not, give it your best guess.

Three times a lady is a hell of a lot of lady, you might think. But later on this week you might thinking, "Well, now that just seems like a fairly standard amount of lady." And if you think that, well then, I will have done my job.

Birthdays: Francis Bacon, philosopher 1561, John Winthrop, colonial governor 1588, Andre Marie Ampere, physicist 1775, George Gordon Noel Byron, poet 1788, August Strindberg, dramatist 1849, Beatrice Potter Webb, socialist economist 1858, D.W. Griffith, filmmaker 1880, U Thant, U.N. statesman 1909, Bill Bixby, actor, TV director 1934, Diane Lane, actor 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little boy was sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks that he has been in there too long, so she goes to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet looking at a book and every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says, Tommy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while." Tommy says, "I'm ok Mommy, I just haven't gone potty yet."

His mother says, "Okay, you can stay a few more minutes but, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Tommy replies, "It works for ketchup....."

A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, Doc, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I go fishing, so she'll have to take the bus."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is and how do you do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: 'Your sister likes this position too.' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.....!

That's it for today, my little anchovies. Remember, stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many jaywalkers you've hit, so it's best to remove them. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Academy Award Boycott? Not Me

Jada Pinkett Smith and Spike Lee announced they would boycott the Oscar Awards because, for a second straight year, a black actor didn't receive a single nomination. I, too, have a protest. For the 25th year, I was not picked in the NBA draft.

I'm sure that the fact that Will Smith (Jada's husband), who was not nominated for his role in "Concussion" and Lee's "Straight Outta Compton", which was also bypassed for a best picture nomination, had nothing to do with the pair's angry rhetoric.

Naturally, Al Sharpton has jumped on the band wagon and is calling for an Oscars boycott with a strategy aimed to affect ratings and advertisers. Race baiting is how ol' Reverend Al makes his money. 

Spike Lee wrote on Instagram, "How is it possible for the second consecutive year all 20 contenders under the acting category are white?"

Hey Spike, why are there few or no whites at the NAACP Image Awards or on BET (Black Entertainment Television)? Is it okay to have White Entertainment Television?

Personally, I'm a bit miffed that there were no French-Irish among the Academy Award nominees. I imagine that this obvious snub is driving American Indians and Asians crazy, as well.

Spike, how is it possible that most of the players in the NBA and the NFL are black? The answer is that most black NBA and NFL players are better than most white players. And apparently, most of the white actors for the last two years were better than the black actors.

It's a relatively easy concept to understand. Affirmative action does not apply in the NBA, NFL or the Academy Awards. One must be qualified and rely on one's own abilities. Quotas are not used.

Quite frankly, I don't give a damn who watches and/or attends the Oscar awards.....

The News As I See It: Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It’s a very important day where the struggle for racial equality is remembered by Americans and snubbed by the Oscar committee.

Khloe Kardashian has announced she’ll be hosting a new talk show where she drinks cocktails with her guests. The show will be called, "Throwing Up With The Kardashians."

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham has endorsed Jeb Bush for president. Though I imagine getting an endorsement from Lindsey Graham is about as helpful as being backed up in a bar fight by Lindsey Graham.

Executives from Chipotle have announced their restaurants will be giving away twice their usual amount of free food as part of a promotion to restore the company’s image following its ecoli outbreak. Although I’m not sure it was a good idea to call the promotion, "Free-Coli."

Amazon has begun revealing details about its upcoming drone delivery program, such as drones adapted specifically to the city they are in. For example, the Seattle drone will be water proof and the Chicago and Detroit drones will be equipped with 50 caliber machine guns.

Obama seems to have already mentally checked out of the White House. It's like he has total senioritis. If you want proof of this, he's started signing every bill in Congress with: "Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barry."

This Date In History: 1801; John Marshall was appointed Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court 1841; As a result of the First Opium War, Hong Kong was ceded to the British. 1942; The Nazis formulated their "Final Solution" regarding the Jews at the Wannsee Conference.

1964; The Beatles released their first album in the United States, Meet the Beatles. 1981; 52 American hostages seized from the American Embassy in Tehran were released after 444 days in captivity.

1981; President Ronald Reagan became the oldest president to take office (69 years and 349 days). 1986; Martin Luther King day was celebrated as a federal holiday for the first time.

2009; Hundreds of thousands of people watched in front of the Capitol as Obama and Vice President Joe Biden are sworn into office. Obama makes history as the first mulatto U.S. president. 2012; Singer Etta James died less than a week before her 74th birthday.

Picture Of The Day: Actress Jada Pinkett Smith to boycott 2016 Academy Awards?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ninety percent of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga. One hundred percent of straight men don't care. 2) What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it. 3) I once dated a female magician. She put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel. 4) Many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried playing an Indian song.  5) Give a someone a fish and they can eat for a day. Give a someone a jelly fish and you can pee on them.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 20th: Chin up and best foot forward. Love may come your way this week. If it doesn't then you can at least console yourself with the fact that there's a good chance at parole at your next court appearance and evaluation.

Birthdays: Richard Henry Lee, political leader 1732, Walter Piston, composer and teacher 1894, George Burns, actor, comedian 1896, Joy Adamson, writer and conservationist 1910, Federico Fellini, filmmaker 1920, DeForest Kelley, actor 1920, Buzz Aldrin (Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Jr.), American astronaut 1930, David Lynch, filmmaker 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."

Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." Paddy says,"That he did. A shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it."

Sean says, "You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?" Paddy says, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's right breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two hookers were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "Two hookers....$50.00" A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "Jesus Saves". They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two women took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two women driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, the cop began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..."Two Angels Seeking Peter.....$50.00."

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "We Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows. The Scotsman replies, "Well, it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

This went on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

That's it for today, my little meadow larks. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder but a beer holder with a Budweiser in it would be handy, just in case. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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