The Running Of The Bulls - No, Not Congress, It's Pamplona, Spain

Yes, it's that time of year again my friends. It's time to go to Pamplona, Spain for the annual Running of the Bulls and, my favorite, the Culling of the Stupid.

Yes, boys and girls, seemingly normal, everyday citizens of the world, line the crowded streets of Pamplona wearing red and white. Red, the favorite target of the bulls, also blends well with blood. Unfortunately, white, does not hold up well against blood stains.

When the bulls are released, the red and white clad throng of idiots and morons attempt to outrun the charging bulls through the crowded narrow streets. People cheer as the slow and dimwitted are trampled and gored. This unique thinning of the herds of idiots helps control the overcrowding problems throughout the world, not to mention entertaining the bulls.

Another place where the have the annual culling of the stupid is the Cooper's Hill Cheese Rolling Contest in Gloucester, England. The goal of the contest is to see who can get to the cheese first, risking their limbs doing so. You'd think that, considering the risks involved (18 racers suffered injuries, including broken bones and head trauma, in a melee in 1997), the first-place prize would be great, but all the winner gets is, oddly enough, the very cheese he or she was chasing.

Then there's the Calgary Stampede in Alberta, Canada, where amateur bull riding takes center stage as cowboys and cowgirls try to hold on for dear life to a bucking, hopping-mad bull. Participants are frequently tossed like rag dolls onto the turf and then face the prospect of being trampled by the hulking beasts. With only a rope as leverage, these crazy "athletes" have little chance and usually hold on for five seconds, at the most (they need to hold on for about eight seconds to be declared a winner).

Of course, here in America, you can have the same or worse problems as the runners in Pamplona if you happen to make an accidental wrong turn into neighborhoods in Detroit, Chicago, Philadelphia or Los Angeles. The only difference is that in Pamplona, you can't shoot the bulls.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear!

Latoya Jackson, speaking out for the first time, says she thinks "a shadowy entourage" led to the death of her brother, Michael, accusing them of "murdering" him. She sais that Michael was an isolated figure, making him easy prey for greedy associates. She accused these people, whether it be doctors, handlers or assistants, of feeding Jackson drugs to control his moods in order to get what they want.

The death of Michael Jackson has spawned a lot of free press and notoriety. Look for Papa Joe Jackson to keep on trying to get on the money train as well. Of course, let's not forget the omnipresent and portable podium carrier, Al Sharpton. And the spectacle goes on and on and on.......

Fittingly, you can stop by Long John Silver's on Tuesday, July 14 to score a free Baja Fish Taco on, what else, Baja Fish Taco Day. Stop by before 2:30 p.m. to get your free taco!

This Date In History: 1863; Four days of rioting against the Civil War military draft begin in New York City. More than 1,000 people are killed, including many African Americans, who are attacked by rioters as the cause of the war. 1865; Edward Whymper, an English artist and pioneering mountaineer, becomes the first person to climb the Matterhorn, in the Alps. On the descent, four of his companions fall to their deaths.

1973; White House aide Alexander Butterfield reveals to members of the Senate Watergate committee the presence of a secret taping system installed in the White House by President Richard Nixon. 1985; Bob Geldof organizes the Live Aid concerts held in London and Philadelphia to fight famine in Africa. Performers include Sting, U2, Dire Straits, Queen, David Bowie, Elton John, Madonna and the Beach Boys.

Picture Of The Day: Bulls.....the horned creatures that are having a field day in Pamplona. These beautiful shots are indicative of the atmosphere in the quaint streets and alleys of the festival. The young lady in this picture was really an afterthought, butt I admired her asspirations to join in the many colored festivities.

Birthdays: Sir George Gilbert Scott, British architect 1811, Sidney Webb, economist and reformer 1859, Alfred Hitchcock, film producer and director 1899, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, and novelist 1934, Ernö Rubik, inventor of the Rubik's Cube puzzle 1944, Harrison Ford, American film actor 1942.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe it's just me, but I think that the vials of childproof medicines that are sold in today's marketplace should come with a kid to open them for you. 2) I'm really getting fed up with the politically correct, hyphenated descriptions used today. Now when you refer to someone who's slept around you have to refer to them as previously used companions. 3) Shamwow Vince should be saying, "Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!" 4) All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. 5) I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, were sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I don't know, Abe, but let's make a deal. If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" The spirit of Abe says, "Yes it is."

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" Abe says, "Well, I've got good news and I got bad news." Sol says, "Gimme the good news first." Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is struck and killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed .Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and that's when all the trouble started.....

That's it for today my little brussels sprouts. Remember that not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

What You Lookin' At Willis?

We finally had a week where new celebrity deaths did not dominate the media. I suppose they'll have to return to reporting minor issues like the continuing failing economy, the crisises in Iran, Afghanistan, Korea and China, not to mention the current G8 conference in Italy.

Speaking of the G8 conference, today's lead photo shows our fearless leader Barack Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy in a lecherous gaze at the young lass on the left. Maybe this sweet young thing is part of Obama's rumored second stimulus package.

In Obama's defense, a replay of the video shows that he had just given a arm to the young girl in the black dress and sun glasses behind him. As to Sarkozy, well....he's French!

Continuing with odd pictures, the continuing photos of CNN Democratic analyst James Carvill abound, this time showing the infamous and inept Carville and a look alike cat. Carville, who may have been the banjo playing kid in the Bert Reynolds movie, "Deliverance." is a perfect example of why you shouldn't marry your cousin.

Illinois Senator Roland Burris, appointed by Ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich, has next to no campaign cash, no political operation and no support from any major Democrat in Illinois or national politics. Burris will not run to keep the seat in 2010 and made this announcement at a press conference today. Burris raised little more than $800 in the first quarter of the year, and his second quarter only yielded about $20,000. I wonder how much money he had to pay Blagojevich?

7-11 is giving away free Slurpees tomorrow (true). Stop by any 7-Eleven on Saturday (7/11) between 7 a.m. and 11 p.m. for a FREE Slurpee (7.11 oz) on 7-Eleven Day to celebrate the chain store's 82nd birthday. I normally would have a quip for this but it happens to be true and I thought I'd post it for those of you who have children. Tell Ahmed that Jimmy says "Hey."

This Date In History: 1913; The National Weather Service records a temperature of 134° F in California's Death Valley, the highest temperature ever measured in the United States. 1925; The so-called Monkey Trial of teacher John Scopes for teaching evolution begins in Dayton, Tennessee. The trial matches nationally famous lawyers Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan. 1943; British, United States and Canadian armed forces invade Sicily by air and ship, resulting in Italian Prime Minister Benito Mussolini's fall from power two weeks later.

1953; Four months after the death of Joseph Stalin, Soviet leaders arrest Lavrenty Beria, his longtime head of security. Beria is executed later that year for treason. 1976; A chemicals factory leaks weedkiller near Seveso, Northern Italy, killing 40,000 animals and causing skin lesions on more than 400 people.

1985; Greenpeace flagship the Rainbow Warrior is struck by two bombs in Auckland Harbour, New Zealand, killing one crew member and singing the 40m-long ship.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a fun day of finding some great photoshop pictures from around the Internet. I always get a kick of some of the really excellent work these artists come up with. The media photographers are also there to catch every misstep anyone makes and always have something funny to print.

Speaking of funny pictures, who do you think the pup pictured below looks like?

Birthdays: John Calvin, Protestant theologian 1509, Sir William Blackstone, legal scholar 1723, James McNeill Whistler, painter 1834, Mary McLeod Bethune, educator 1875, Kurt Alder, German chemist and Nobel laureate 1902, Alice Munro, writer 1931.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think I'm a lesbian. 2) In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. 3) I miss not seeing my new friend from The Billiards Club. 4) I have not yet found the time to respond to the continuing emails from my pals in Nigeria, notifying me of the various monies I have inherited or won. I have to wait for my check from Publisher's Clearing House who assured me that I may have won $10,000,00. I hope the Nigerians understand. 5) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. "Hello there sir, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?" The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.

The ventriloquist, "Hi Mr. Dog. How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you." So the farmer brought out his horse.

The ventriloquist said, "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!"

Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?" The farmer said, "Sheep lie, ya' know."

That's it for today my little banana peels. AREA 51 beckons and I will heed the call and stop by for Happy Hour and announced that I, too, will not be running for the Illinois senate seat. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Celebrity Ghosts - Now More Than Ever !

The constant media barrage over the death of Michael Jackson is about over, but the next series of celebrity sightings has already begun. Elvis Presley, the king of rock and roll, has been seen all over the world since his untimely death on August 16th, 1977.

Michael Jackson visions started the other evening on CNN's Larry King Show. In an interview with Miko Brando at Neverland, something was seen in the background. See for yourself.

Heavenly visions and sightings often run rampant after a celebrity death, and I don't see any reason why they wont continue. I, myself, have had heavenly visions several times during my life, but most were easily confirmed or proven false the morning after. Which brings me to the subject of drugs....

Large pharmaceutical companies constantly hawk their drugs on television for allergies, constipation, impotence and the like, but I rarely pay attention to them. First and foremost, I think it's immoral for a drug manufacturer to urge one to suggest a drug by name to a physician. It's commercial prostitution at the least.

But, the other day, I heard the announcer mention the side effects of a certain drug for allergies and it boggled my mind. I mean, when I hear someone say, "may cause drowsiness, lethargy, stroke, flatulence, death or even worse, death by flatulence, it seems to me that the end doesn't justify the means. Death is a little bit more of a side effect that I'd like to risk just to stop a runny nose or sneezing.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

This Date In History: 1822; English poet Percy Bysshe Shelley drowns at age 29 while sailing in a storm off the coast of Italy. 1853; Four US ships led by Commodore Matthew Perry enter Tokyo Bay to establish relations with Japan, which had been closed to outsiders since the 17th century.

1978; Reinhold Messner and Peter Habeler are the first mountaineers to successfully climb to the top of Mount Everest without supplementary oxygen. 1889; The first issue of the Wall Street Journal appears. 1951; The city of Paris, France, celebrates the 2,000th anniversary of its founding. 1994; Kim Il Sung, Communist dictator of North Korea, dies at age 82.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

Picture Of The Day: Ghosts......They've been in your mind since childhood. For those who remember, Cosmo Topper ia a name that always comes to mind from watching the Topper movies as a child. Of course there was always Casper, but he was a friendly ghost.

If it's not ghosts, it's sightings. Elvis Presley, flying saucers, Bigfoot, J.D. Cooper....it's always someone. I'd like to think that most of it is easily explainable. Remove liquor, drugs and low IQ from the equation and most of it goes away. But, one never really knows for sure.......

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Birthdays: Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin, aircraft designer 1838, John D. Rockefeller 1839, American industrialist. Nelson Rockefeller, 41st vice president of the United States 1908, Martin (Marty) Feldman, Comedian and actor 1934, Micheline Calmy-Rey, Swiss politician and former President 1945.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Did I ever mention that I was dyslexci? 2) I wrote a song called "I'm In The Nude For Love" but some other composer came up with a better selling title. 3) Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. 4) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 5) I miss camping out, both as a kid and adult. I used to camp out quite a bit as a kid, but as I learned when I took my kids camping in the Florida Everglades (picture above), sleeping on the rocky ground with a swarm of mosquitoes attacking is more easily dealt with by children.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" The man replies, "Oh, she's my mistress." His wife says "Well, that's the last straw. I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

Her husband says, "I can understand that, but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean that we'll have to sell the mansion, no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. His wife asks "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband replies "That's his mistress". The wife says, "Ours is prettier."

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which ended, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. The father thought, "Holy crap, this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." The father practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and was nervous as a cat all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He decided to stay in his office until midnight.

Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."

His wife said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

That's it for today my little ghostbusters. Today's Hump Day and a well deserved trip to AREA 51 is definitely in order. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Some Things Just Aren't Necessary, Ladies !

Saturday night (actually Sunday AM), I was on the computer with the television running in the background. A show came on and since I was busy, I didn't bother to change channels. As it turned out, it was a documentary on beauty pageants and a close-up of the women who enter them. One of the things I happened to notice was the number of women who had undergone breast enhancement surgery.

I am not a fan of breast augmentation. As any red-blooded American man will tell women, we are quite happy with whatever is available. Beside the fact that most surgeries of this nature are fairly obvious, it is also a dangerous procedure that, in most cases, isn't necessary.

Surgery such as breast reduction and breast reconstruction are understandable and necessary procedures. Augmentation surgery for flat chested women are also understandable procedures.

The number of women who opt for cosmetic breast surgery is overwhelming, leading me to believe that personality enhancement surgery or even a full frontal lobotomy may have been a wiser option. If women believe that this type of surgery is necessary to get a better job or be in the entertainment business, it's a sad thought, indeed. Moreover, it is even a sadder note if women think it's the key to a good relationship or marriage. The truth is that in most cases, men are just happy if you like them and any proverbial extras are just icing on the cake.

The Daytona 400 was run Saturday night and if you like Nascar stock car racing, you may have had mixed opinions about winner Tony Stewart, but you can't say the finish wasn't exciting. With Stewart and Kyle Bush racing to the checkered flag, Stewart attempted to make a pass and Busch blocked him. When Stewart attempted to pass Busch again, Busch moved to block again and the second block proved to be Busch's downfall and Stewart put him into the wall. See for yourself. (Remember to turn off my music playlist audio on my sidebar).

You can read Jimmy's Journal - The Original for additional videos, pictures and my detailed account by clicking the link below. http://jimmysjournal-theoriginal.blogspot.com/

Today is former President George Dubya Bush's birthday and although I disliked his presidency, it is fitting to at least respect the office and wish him a happy birthday. I would like to thank him for keeping America out of any nucular wars. I would also like to congratulate his high school and college English teachers for turning out such an eloquent speaker.

This Date In History: 1415; Religious reformer Jan Hus is burned at the stake as a heretic by the Catholic Church. 1699; Pirate captain William Kidd is arrested in Boston. Sent to trial in England, he is convicted and hanged two years later. 1885; French biologist Louis Pasteur uses his newly developed vaccine against rabies to save the life of a young boy, Joseph Meister, who was bitten by a rabid dog.

1917; Arab forces rebelling against the Ottoman Empire capture the port of Al 'Aqabah with the help of British adventurer T. E. Lawrence, known as Lawrence of Arabia. 1978; Eleven people die when fire breaks out on a night train travelling from from Penzance to Paddington.

Picture Of The Day: I didn't have any picture subject in mind for today until I decided to comment on the beauty pageant documentary. Fortunately, as I am wont to do, I always have a file on women and the great photo shots and effects that are posted throughout the Internet. Pretty fortunate, eh?

Birthdays: Frida Kahlo, painter 1907, Andrey Gromyko (1909-1989), Soviet leader who served as Foreign Minister (1957-1985) and President of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) (1985-1988) 1909, Bill Haley, American singer 1925, Vladimir Ashkenazy, pianist 1937, George W. Bush, US president 1946.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) After watching the various headlines for the past two weeks, I've come to the conclusion to never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 2) Most women like silent men because they think they're listening. 3) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 4) When I was a child, I woke one Saturday morning to read a note that Sister Jean and Brother Kirt had run away from home. They returned around 11:00 a.m. stating they changed their minds. When I looked into their bag that contained their food rations, I found one can of candied yams and no can opener. 5) I think that for every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." The old man said, I know! We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." Granny snickered, "Well, let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. The little old lady breathlessly said, "You know, honey, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." Gramps said, "That doesn't surprise me dear, one's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then, poof!...she was gone.

After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows." Dave yells back. "Don't Swing Fred! For God's sake, Don't Swing!!"

That's it for today my little tinker toys. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

God Bless America ! - Have A Fifth On The Fourth of July !

Celebrating the Fourth of July is possible because of the wise founding fathers of the United States of America and the men and women of all the armed forces, both past and present, who serve and protect this nation. As you enjoy this holiday weekend, please take the time to remember all of our soldiers and leaders who have served or are now serving America.

While out diverse cultures and beliefs allow us to celebrate our countries of origin, our gods and our ethnicity's, make no mistake that America, its people, its flag and its national symbols come before any other country, flag, or ethnicity. To deny this is to deny the reason why America exists today and why we are able to express our thoughts and views, without persecution.

If this view sounds unreasonable, then perhaps you're living in the wrong country!

The Daytona 400 will be run Saturday on the 2.5 mile high banks of Daytona International Speedway. The race will be televised by TNT and begins at 7:30 p.m. (EST). If you've never watched a Nascar race, this is one of the best opportunities to see a very exciting race at speeds of nearly 200 mile per hour.

This Date In History: 1608; French explorer Samuel de Champlain establishes the first permanent European settlement in Canada, a trading post along the St Lawrence River that becomes the city of Québec. 1775; George Washington takes command of the Continental Army of the American colonies at Cambridge, Massachusetts.

1962; After a long and brutal colonial war and a vote by Algerians for Independence, French president Charles de Gaulle proclaims the Independence of Algeria from France. 1971; American rock singer Jim Morrison, leader of the Doors, dies in Paris of a drug overdose.

Picture Of The Day: What better theme for today's entry than pictures of our national symbols. While my most favorite is the American Eagle with the American flag background, I tend to admire all of our symbols.

Birthdays: My pal, Brad Migone (deceased) who, as a child, always believed the holiday fireworks were for his birthday. Rest in peace, Brad (July 4th forever). John Copley, painter 1738, Leos Janácek, composer 1854, Charlotte Perkins Gilman, feminist and writer 1860, Tom Stoppard, playwright 1937.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My mind wanders easily and I sometime forget things. Also, my mind wanders easily and I sometime forget things. 2) Most men accept the fact that women only have sex with them for a purpose. Sadly, for a few of them, their usefulness serves only as a timer for a three minute egg. 3) I think you should be very high if you're going to make a parachute jump. Two or three days of steady drinking should do it. 4) I don't speak Hawaiian, but I'm told it takes many words to say "I Love You." My bet is that you can probably say it with a pineapple and a twenty dollar bill. 5) My cat Possum expects me to put ice cubes in his water when he drinks. When he gets to the water, he sniffs it and if there's no ice cubes, he turns around and stares at me until I put in the ice cubes. Then, two hours later, he's straddling the toilet, getting a drink. I guess there's no substitute for taste.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, my pal Victor and my pal, Garnett, for their contributions to today's stories.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope says, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, "One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever? Show me!" So the Pope slapped the shit out of her.

Bill and Hillary Clinton still have a useful purpose in politics as well as social gatherings, as depicted on the bar accessories below.

Brother Kirt told me he's been having a lot of bad luck lately. I told him that he sometimes overly exaggerates his problems. Then, he showed me his new suit that he bought which came with two pair of pants. I said, "You see? That just makes my point. Why do you keep saying you're unlucky?" Brother Kirt said, "Because I burned a hole in the jacket!"

A country girl and a girl from New York City were seated side by side on an airplane. The the country girl, being friendly, said, "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Louisiana sat quietly for a few moments and then, with a sweet smile and her fabulous sweet drawl said, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "Are you crazy? I'd never sleep with you!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man yelled, "Two Hundred Dollars?! What do you mean Two Hundred Dollars?"

That's it for today my little firecrackers. I'm going to AREA 51 to see if any of the ladies want to see a fireworks display. Have a great and safe July 4th weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Celebrity Deaths Continue......

In a week that a number of celebrity deaths have occurred, actor Karl Malden has died at the age of 97. Malden starred in dozens of films and won an Oscar for "A Streetcar Named Desire." He also had roles as a priest in "On the Waterfront" and a warden in "Birdman of Alcatraz." He played General Omar Bradley in "Patton."

Malden's greatest fame arrived in the 1970s TV series, "The Streets of San Francisco," in which he played Detective Mike Stone. Malden also kept his face on television as the pitchman for American Express for over 21 years. I always enjoyed watching Karl Malden and he will be missed. Rest In Peace my friend.

Is there any subject or group that television executives won't make into a reality show? The cost of making a reality show is obviously lower than paying a troupe of actors in a comedy or drama and as long as the public continues to watch this type of garbage, television executives will continue to produce them.

I don't watch reality shows. I also don't watch American Idol, Dancing With The Stars or any other similar shows. It seems that quality shows are being replaced with hyped up shows that only become watchable when they get to the finality.

Al Franken has been declared the winner of the long contested Minnesota Senatorial race. Republican Norm Coleman conceded to Democrat Al Franken in Minnesota's contested Senate race on Tuesday, hours after a unanimous state Supreme Court ruled the former "Saturday Night Live" comedian should be certified the winner.

Franken portrayed the farcical "Stuart Smalley," a somewhat thinly veiled parody of PBS children's show, "Mr. Rogers." The only difference is that Mr. Rogers dealt with kids and Franken will be dealing with thieves and idiots.

From the state whose wise populace elected such greats as former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura as their governor, now have a comedian as their senator. If there's something the government does not need, it's another comedian in the Senate.

The scary thing is that Franken becomes the 60th democrat in the Senate effectively nullifying the republican ability to filibuster.

Odds and ends: Odd that Papa Joe Jackson is not in Michael's will. After his mumbling hype of his new record company during an interview about Michael's sudden death, maybe the lyrics to Michael's song "She's out Of My Life" should be changed to "He's Out Of My Will."........Governor Mark Sanford has referred to his mistress as his "soulmate" while at the same time saying he's trying to "fall back in love" with his wife. What an asshole!........Al "Podium Al" Sharpton has rode the Michael Jackson train like the professional he is. Pictures of him bumping and grinding with an audience member at the Apollo theater during the Jackson memorial demonstrates his pain........

This Date In History: 1690; William III definitively defeats the exiled James II at the Battle of the Boyne. 1867; The British North America Act, passed by the British Parliament, goes into effect, joining four North American colonies in the Dominion of Canada.

1916; The Battle of the Somme, the first major offensive of World War I, begins. 1997; At the end of its 99-year lease on the territory, Britain returns Hong Kong to Chinese control.

Picture Of The Day: Watching the "Streets of San Francisco" was always a must for me. A well written show, the script was always interesting and more importantly, believable. Current television shows and movies have such impossible stunts that it demeans the script and the integrity of the show.

I thought today's opening picture fit the current rash of celebrity deaths quite well. I especially liked the idea of Ray Charles being portrayed in the role as a musical Moses at the Pearly Gates.

Birthdays: Gottfried Wilhelm von Leibniz, philosopher and mathematician 1646, George Sand, pseudonym of Amandine Aurore Lucile, Baronne Dudevant, French novelist of the Romantic Movement 1804, Charles Laughton, actor and director 1899, Diana, Princess of Wales, British princess 1961.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why is it that after I push one for English, I still can't understand the person on the other end? 2) It has been more than three days and the cave with the large boulder blocking the entrance is still in place. Mary is nowhere to be found. 3) I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say will be misquoted, then used against me. 4) One of the good things about growing older is your eyes won't get much worse. 5) I overheard a woman tell another woman that she liked the shirt that the guy (me) with the silver hair was wearing. As long as I'm referred to as the guy with the silver hair, I've got a shot. The problem is when they refer to me as "The old codger with the grey hair........"

My thanks to my pal, Linda in Washington, for her contributions to today's entry.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

One morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there." The kid says, "Thanks, I got it for my birthday." The cop says, "Well, tell your parents they should have put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did you get it for your birthday?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, I did." The kid says, "Well, tell the people who gave it to you that it's abnormal." Surprised, the cop says, "What do you mean?" The kid says, "On normal horses, the asshole is under the tail instead of on top!"

When Barack Obama got elected President and spent his first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land in the Emerald City of Oz. They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says "I've had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a brain".

Newt Gingrich speaks next and says "I've heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like to have a heart."

President Clinton speaks last and says "I'll just take Dorothy."

That's it for today my little alley cats. It's Hump Day and an excellent excuse to head over to my AREA 51 watering hole and see what's happening. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !