Tis The Season To Go Partying !

The Holiday party season begins tonight and being a season ticket holder, I'll be heading out this evening with a different agenda than usual. Although I cherish hanging out with my pals in AREA 51, enjoying a scotch with the ladies and listening to the music, the various parties also offer a splendid array of foods and goodies.

Office Christmas parties are always fun and you never know what's going to happen. Novice drinkers, who rarely imbibe throughout the year become boozers for the next three weeks and the results are usually quite funny. From slurred speeches to tipsy karaoke singers, the endless number of humorous incidents are endless. Of course, there's the occasional amorous strays who ofttimes bite off more than they can chew, but they're normally harmless.

The real prizes are the many varieties of foods that you rarely see other than the Christmas season and I'm like a kid at the bakery when I see all those dishes. Roasted pork, honey glazed hams and Christmas turkey and chicken, it's a guaranteed five pound weight gain just looking at the food. Add to that the many side dishes and the delicious deserts and you get an idea of what I have in mind.

Aside from trying to avoid the proverbial 50 pound fruit cake that I'm sure I'll be asked to try, I look forward to the next three weeks of parties and celebrations.

The News As I See It: Jenny Sanford, wife of embattled South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, has filed for divorce six months after her husband publicly admitted to having an affair with an Argentine woman. Duh?! What took her so long? Joe Biden is our first vice president with hair plugs. On Earth Day this year, a group of school children in Washington each planted a hair plug in his head. We may have lost Dubya Bush as a source of comic relief, but at least we have Joe. On the "Today Show", Biden once said that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, the subways weren’t safe before swine flu.

According to a new poll, 44 percent of Americans wish President "Dubya" Bush were back in office. It’s only 20 percent, however, if you exclude comedy writers. Dubya asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time when he gave his farewell speech to the nation. He used part of the time to list his accomplishments and did yoyo tricks the other 14 minutes.

President Obozo's approval rating hit a new low of 47 percent, according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that a 6-year-old with a crayon could come up with the same poll results. I bet it’s the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with Obamacare and the last budget. President Obie accepted the Nobel Peace Prize this week and, I don’t want to say that Obama worship is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize won the Pulitzer Prize. If the Nobel Prize wasn’t enough, his overall performance just won an Oscar.

It’s not looking good for Tiger Woods. According to a poll today, 88 percent of women have an unfavorable opinion of Tiger Woods. The other 12 percent are cocktail waitresses. Another woman has just emerged who claims she had an affair with Woods. It’s like he cracked open a piñata and the fun never stops. There's a new ad in Sports Illustrated: Pro golfer needs new Caddy.

This Date In History: 1816; Indiana became the 19th state. 1844; Nitrous oxide was used for the first time in dentistry. 1936; King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of Britain for the woman he loved, Mrs. Wallis Simpson. 1941; Germany and Italy declared war on the United States.

1946; The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established. 1994; Russian troops invaded Chechnya in an unsuccessful attempt to restore Moscow's power in the region. 1997; Housing secretary Henry Cisneros was indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice, and false statements to the FBI.

Picture Of The Day: Food.....Party food! I got hungry just gathering these pictures and some of these are quite good. This is office party and holiday party season, so I thought I'd give you a preview of what to look for in the coming weeks.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 2) Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. 3) I think heart attacks are God's revenge for eating his animal friends 4) I'm surprised that Al Sharpton hasn't slammed Tiger Woods for not having black women among his lengthy list of mistresses. 5) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Sir David Brewster, physicist and natural philosopher 1781, Louis-Hector Berlioz, composer 1803, Robert Koch, bacteriologist 1843, Annie Jump Cannon, astronomer 1863, Fiorello Henry LaGuardia, mayor of New York City 1882, Naguib Mahfouz, novelist 1911, Carlo Ponti, producer 1912, Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn, Russian writer 1918, Willie Mae Thornton, blues singer 1926, John F. Kerry, politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Mr. Lipschitz' four children were gathered around his deathbed. As old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Lipschitz stirred, having heard every word his children said. He thought it was time to set the record straight. He said, "Children, I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."

His oldest son was aghast, "You mean we're all bastards?" Mr. Lipschitz said, "Yes, and cheap ones at that!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" Her mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."

That's it for today my little turtle whisperers. Remember, first you pillage, then you burn. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Hump Day And Happy Hour - And Not A Moment Too Soon !

CNN's Clarke Howard recently did an undercover investigation of gold buying companies and came to the conclusion that customers were being paid between ten to twenty-five percent of the true value of the gold. This is not particularly news to me because I've known about these swindling thieves for years, but I though I'd share the information with you.

So the next time you see the often televised commercials like Cash4Gold and the other gold buying sites, just check the owners' names and you'll easily be able to figure out what their morals and scheme are. The following excerpt was taken from Wikipedia using Cash4Gold as the subject line:

There are many complaints that Cash4Gold undervalues jewelry sent to them by customers. Channel 10 News in San Diego did an investigation where they sent in a ring containing over 2 grams of gold worth $17 in weight to three different sites. The payout from Cash4Gold was $7.91.

Consumer Reports, using its "mystery shopper" team, sent 24 identical gold pendants and chains (purchased for $175 each) to Cash4Gold.com and its competitors. The determined melt value of the jewelry was calculated at around $70 each when gold was above $900 an ounce. In comparison with Pawn shop and Jewelry store quotes (which ranged from $25 to $50), Cash4Gold.com quoted between $7.60~$12.72 melt value for the jewelry. Similar low quotes were also given by Cash4Gold.com competitors GoldKit (around $7.81~$20.59) and GoldPaq (around $8.22~$13.11).

After Rob Cockerham, a blogger, detailed drastic changes in Cash4Gold's valuation of jewelry after a complaint is made about an initial undervaluing, a search engine optimization consultant offered "a few thousand dollars" for Rob to remove the criticism. Cash4Gold CEO Jeff Aronson stated they had nothing to do with the incident, though the consultant stated "everyone (at Cash4Gold) was well aware of what was going on."On Cash4Gold’s blog, the company afterwards posted a "clarification statement” allegedly by the consultant contradicting that quote: "Cash4Gold was not aware of all of the tactics being using (sic) in my reputation management services."

After a whistleblower posted on ComplaintsBoard.com discussing the inner workings of Cash4Gold.com, The Consumerist and other blogs were hit with a defamation suit by Cash4Gold.com after running the postings. In September 2009, Cash4Gold.com dropped Consumerist from their lawsuit.....A word to the wise!

You may want to turn off the music to my playlist located on the sidebar to listn to this video.

The News As I See It: This past weekend, a rare envelope sent on the first day of the Pony Express in 1860 sold for almost half a million dollars. The envelope contains an invitation to Larry King’s Bar Mitzvah. On a similar note, a letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It’s a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804.

A new study from Purina found that house cats spend about 22 percent of their days looking out windows, 12 percent of their days playing with other pets, 8 percent climbing on chairs and just 6 percent sleeping. The study also found that cats had the exact same schedule as Joe Biden.

This Date In History: 1941; China declared war against Japan, Germany, and Italy. 1958; The anti-Communist John Birch Society was formed. 1965; "A Charlie Brown Christmas" premiered. 1990; Lech Walesa was elected president of Poland. 1993; U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. 1996; Archaeologist and anthropologist Mary Leakey died in Kenya at age 83.

Picture Of The Day: Some things are better off unsaid, so they say, but that won't happen here. As Popeye the Sailor Man used to say, "I calls them like I sees them!" You may, however, have to read between the lines.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like barbecue sauce way too much to own a touch screen cell phone. 2) According to a recent poll, 22% of Californians now say, "Happy Holidays." The other 78% say, "Feliz Navidad." 3) When I was younger, I alway wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W. 4) I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog 5) It turns out that my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway, likes Bush Baked Beans, so I gave him some. It also turns out that they affect him the same way as they affect me as, while sitting in my lap, he rudely passed a silent but deadly reminder not give him any more beans.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Margaret Hamilton, actor 1902, Grace Hopper, rear admiral; computer scientist 1906, Thomas P. O'Neill, political leader 1912, Kirk Douglas, actor 1916, John Cassavetes, actor and director 1929, Dame Judi Dench, actress 1934, Tom Daschle, U.S. senator 1947, John Malkovich, actor 1953, Felicity Huffman, actress 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it." The preacher said, "You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" The old man said, "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my hat."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Garnett for their contributions to today's stories.

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. The man gasps, "Somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd and there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man. He says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out...more stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.....

That's it for today my little furballs. Remember, you're unique, just like everyone else. It's a good day to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

A Day To Remember !

On December 7, 1941, Japan attacked U.S. Naval forces in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. The unprovoked and unwise attack sank four U.S. Navy battleships and damaged four more. The Japanese also sank or damaged three cruisers, three destroyers, and one minelayer, destroyed 188 aircraft, and caused personnel losses of 2,402 killed and 1,282 wounded. The following day, December 8th, the United States declared war on Japan.

On August 6th, 1945, the U.S. repaid the Japanese for their cruel and unwise move and dropped the atomic bomb called "Little Boy" on the city of Hiroshima, followed by the detonation of the atomic bomb called "Fat Man" over the city of Nagasaki on August 9th. The two bombs killed over 200,000 Japanese.

While war is horrible and sometimes cruel, the threat of same keeps nations with bad intentions in their appropriate place, fearing the threat of reprisal. Lately, nations like Iran and North Korea taunt and flaunt themselves knowing full well the the United States will probably not attack them. The same holds true for the likes of the Taliban and Al Qaeda. I think that these nations and enemy combatants may fare better by leaving a sleeping dog lie.

Today is a day to remember the men and women of the armed forces, both past and present, who have made America a safer place to live.

The Italian court system is just about as proficient as the Italian army in World War II. The recent conviction of American college student Amanda Knox of murdering her British roommate attests to that. Knox was sentenced to 26 years in prison shortly after midnight Saturday.

There is little to no physical evidence linking Knox to the murder, and much to suggest that she's really only in jail because Italian authorities didn't want to back down and admit that their original theory of the case was bogus. They insist that Kercher was killed in a kinky sexual "misadventure'' with Knox, her Italian boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, and a drifter, Rudy Guede, who has confessed to the crime.

In court, Knox was painted as a slut and referred to as a "little she-devil.'' In court, they asked jurors to consider imagined dialogue between the victim and her killers. Italian prosecutors have a history of corruption and more recently, of fighting corruption and are regularly accused of pursuing various political agendas.

Personally, I have no idea if Ms. Knox is guilty or not, but what the Italian justice system regards as a "fair trial" is an international joke. I guess they have forgotten how Mussolini ran the nation in World War II.

The News As I See It: The Tiger Woods story continues to evolve and escalate, more and more and more (and more) women who aren't named Mrs. Woods have come into the fray claiming they've had affairs with the golf great. Last week there were three. But now, at least four (and maybe more) women have been thrown into the mix, some by their own admission and others by tabloid sources. It can be quite confusing, so many mistresses, so little time.

President Obozo hosted a jobs summit last week at the White House and he met with the CEOs of Google, FedEx and American Airlines. The CEO of Chrysler was late due to car trouble. Oprah Winfrey will sit down with the Obamas for Christmas at the White House, an Oprah prime-time special. I can't wait to see the ad - "Oprah, Obama, Jesus Christ - One night only on ABC" For the taping of the Christmas special, there will be dozens of Secret Service guys, sharp shooters, bomb-sniffing dogs and, of course, Obama will have protection too.

This Date In History: 1787; Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1917; The U.S. declared war on Austria-Hungary in World War I. 1941; The Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. 1972; America's final moon mission, Apollo 17, blasted off from Cape Canaveral.

1975; Indonesia invaded East Timor, leading to a 25-year occupation. 1988; A 6.9 magnitude earthquake hit Armenia, killing 25,000. 2001; Taliban forces fled from Kandahar, their last stronghold in Afghanistan.

2002; Iraq formally declared to the UN that it had no weapons of mass destruction. 2004; Hamid Karzai was sworn in as Afghanistan's first popularly elected president.

Picture Of The Day: The Internet is awash in pictures from last week's news and it's difficult to chose between all the good ones. Of course, Tiger isn't the only one screwing anything that moves. David Letterman is running a close behind him.

Obviously, no one can compete with the champion, Bernie Madoff. Bedside's the many he porked, he even screwed his family. You'd think that his name alone would be an indication of his honesty. Madoff? Yeah, from the firm of Screwedem, Fleecedem and Madeoff (with your funds). Here's the best from today and I'll have more on Wednesday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you need professional help. What the hell happened to coffee, cream and sugar for a buck? 2) Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". 3) Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 4) I believe we have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"? 5) Competitive eating isn't a sport. ESPN televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Richard Warren Sears, merchant 1863, Willa Cather, novelist 1873, Ted Knight, actor 1923, Ellen Burstyn, actress 1932, Harry Chapin, songwriter, singer 1942, Larry Bird, basketball player 1956, Aaron Carter, singer 1987.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

Old Mrs. Sanders is reading a book when the phone rings. She answers the phone and a man says, "This is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

Mrs Sanders asks, "What do you mean?" Doctor Jones replies, "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." Mrs. Sanders says, "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" Dr. Jones says,"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

Mrs. Sanders asks, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Dr. Jones says, "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

* Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. *

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin cigarette lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it. The second man said, "There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish."

The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish." The man thinks for a while and says, "I want one million bucks." The genie says, "It is done. Go home and in one hour go look out of your window into your front yard." After an hour, the man looked outside and all he saw was ducks everywhere.

The man was irate. He went back to the bar and said to the man with the lighter, "I am so disgusted. I found the genie, but instead of one million bucks, that genie gave me one million ducks." The other man said, "You think you're disgusted. Do you honestly think I asked that genie for a nine-inch BIC?"

* "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" *

** Little Tommy, while pleased at his dog Snuffy's offer to share his doggie treat, was not much of a fan of "Beggin' Strips." **

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Among the boxes and old papers, she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped a Genie. "For extracting me from this lamp, I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.

The woman thought for a moment and said, "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in large bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach and broad shoulders.

He put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, my love, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

Saturday Night Live updates and clarifies the Tiger Woods Affairs

That's it for today my little rug rats. Remember, the problem with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

I knew Tiger Woods Used His Putter A Lot, But I Had No Idea...

Talk about your major snafu, Tiger Woods must feel like a one legged Indian in an ass kicking contest. Women are coming out of the woodwork with stories about their extra-marital affairs with him. Woods, typically, likes his women like his golf balls - white and with dimples. Word has it that his wife no longer refers to him as "Tiger." Now, she calls him "Cheetah."

While no one has ever accused Woods of being a Rhodes Scholar, I though he would at least be smart enough to conduct his business intelligently, especially if he was going to make an occasional off-course side trip. Of course, when you're worth one billion dollars. it must make it a little easier to satisfy (read pay) the women in your life. And pay he will....

Authors Note: This is the actual cover of January's Golf Digest. Obviously, it was published before the feces hit the oscillator (that's "the shit hit the fan" for the hard of understanding).

Not only has Woods issued a public apology on his web site, but the The Daily Beast reports that he will pay his wife, Elin Nordegren, $5 million upfront and another $55 million to persuade her to stay in their marriage for another 24 months.

Like many couples with tens of millions of dollars in their bank accounts, Woods and Nordegren have a prenuptial agreement. The pre-nuptial agreement they signed in October 2004 would award Nordegren $20 million just for sticking with Woods for 10 years. But now that allegations of affairs with two women -- Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel-- are making headlines, it looks like that contract is being tossed out the window and the couple are negotiating new, more lucrative terms for Nordegren.

For now, all of his sponsors are sticking with him. Sponsorship deals with Nike, Accenture, AT&T, Gatorade, and Procter & Gamble's Gillette pay him at least $100 million a year The jury is still out on whether they would view a serial adulterer as a good image for their products and services over the longer term.

The News As I See It: President Obozo's speech at West Point was not well received by the media. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security. Right in the middle of Obie's speech, they cut to a cadet who was sleeping. That cadet was immediately assigned to work security at the next White House state dinner.

The Tiger Woods story has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier this week, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs. Chelsea Clinton will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

Twilight Moms and Grandmoms now number more than 28,000. It seems as if Kellan Lutz, the actor who plays Emmett Cullen has been a magnet for young and older female fans, alike. He revealed, "It has been strange, not because of the attention, which is of course flattering, but because of the age ranges. It's from young teenagers all the way to their 40-year-old mothers!

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington delivered his farewell address to his officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York City. 1816; James Monroe of Virginia was elected (by electors) the fifth president of the United States. 1875; William Marcy "Boss" Tweed of New York's Tammany Hall escaped from jail and fled the country. 1945; The Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations.

1978; Dianne Feinstein became San Francisco's first female mayor. 1991; Associated Press correspondent Terry Anderson is released after seven years as a hostage in Lebanon. 1993; Rock musician and composer Frank Zappa died at age 52. 2003; Interpol put the former president of Liberia, Charles Taylor, on its most-wanted list.

Picture Of The Day: Forgive me, but I just can't resist showing you all of the new photoshop pictures of Tiger Woods.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball is that Tiger Woods can’t drive an Escalade 300 yards. 2) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know the number of months. "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese and I didn't really care in the first place. 3) Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! 4) If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you 5) There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Johnnie Walker Black scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water....and that's five !

Birthdays: Lillian Russell, soprano 1861, Edith Cavell, nurse 1861, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet 1875, Francisco Franco, Spanish general and leader 1892, Dennis Wilson, pop musician 1944, Jeff Bridges, actor 1949, Tyra Banks, model 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two Louisiana men walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the men looks at her and says, "Can ya swallow?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Can ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The man walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the man walks slowly back to his table. His buddy says, 'Ya know, I've heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver" but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

A porpoise trainer discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever. He went for a walk along the beach and grabbed two seagulls and brought them to the porpoises. As he arrived, he saw, sound asleep in his doorway, an old stodgy lion.

He had to step across the lion, carrying the seagulls to feed to the porpoises so that they could live forever. As he did, police surrounded and arrested him. Of course the charge was transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

So, Sy Syms has died. The obituary said he was 83. In five days, he’ll be 77. In two weeks, he'll be 65. Then, in a month, he will be marked final at 59.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Linda from Washington, for her contribution to today's stories.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?". Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! The reason you don't talk to people for 25 years is because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

That's it for today my little golf carts. Remember, a fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and I might stay longer if there are any Twilight Moms on the prowl. Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Hump Day And I'm Going To AREA 51 For Happy Hour !

A Seattle policeman shot and killed Maurice Clemmons in a working-class south Seattle neighborhood about 2:45 a.m Tuesday morning. The remainder of the details are immaterial and the scumbag assassin is dead as a doornail. The City of Lakewood, Washington now has safer citizens and will not have to bother with housing, feeding and prosecuting his low-life ass.

Four people have been arrested for helping the suspect elude authorities during a massive two-day manhunt. Police expect to have six or seven people in custody. A Pierce County sheriff spokesman, Ed Troy, said. "Some are friends, some are acquaintances, some are partners in crime, some are relatives. Now they're all partners in crime."

Authorities in two states were criticized amid revelations that Clemmons was allowed to walk the streets despite a teenage crime spree in Arkansas that landed him an 108-year prison sentence. He was released early after then-Gov. Mike Huckabee commuted his sentence. Additionally, a Washington state judge granted Clemmons parole even though he was awaiting charges of assaulting a policeman and child rape.

Fortunately, there were no governors or judges around this time to save his ass. Justice has been served expeditiously and Clemmons was convicted and sentenced by a police bullet.

The News As I See It: Serena Williams was fined a record $87,000 for profanity laced tirade at the U.S. Open and could be suspended from that tournament if she has another "major offense" at any Grand Slam in the next two years. If she has another outburst, the fine would increase to $175,000 and she would be barred from the following U.S. Open. When interviewed about the size of the fine, she replied, "It's a motherf*cker!

The official Christmas tree was delivered to the White House last Friday. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list. At the White House state dinner the other night, Nancy Pelosi rolled her eyes and blew off a reporter when they asked her who made her gown. It was a huge deal. Not the question, the fact that Nancy Pelosi changed her facial expression.

University of Arizona law professor, Brent T. White, says stop paying on your mortgage if you owe more than the house is worth and most important, don't feel guilty about it. He suggests that American homeowners who are underwater on their mortgages should stiff their lenders and take a hike. Doing so, he suggests, could save some of them hundreds of thousands of dollars that they "have no reasonable prospect of recouping" in the years ahead.

Banks set the rules during the housing boom, and with visions of unbelievable profits, handed out home loans with no down payments, no income checks and inflated appraisals. Now that property values have dropped 20 to 50 percent in many areas, banks have been slow to modify troubled mortgages and reluctant to reduce principal debts.

Banks are condemning Professor White's remarks while at the same time increasing fees and raising credit card interest rates to 29.99% in order to beat the changes in banking law in 2010. My advice? If your credit is already in the toilet, spend as much money on your credit cards as allowed and stiff the banks. Maybe then, after they finish losing their ass, they'll be more sympathetic to credit card holders. What was good for the goose is now good for the gander!

This Date In History: 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned emperor of France in Paris by Pope Pius VII. 1823; President James Monroe outlined his famous doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry. 1942; The first controlled nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated at the University of Chicago.

1954; The Senate voted to condemn Republican senator Joseph R. McCarthy of Wisconsin for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute." 1970; The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was established. 1982; Barney B. Clark became the first person to receive an artificial heart in a transplant operation.

1988; Benazir Bhutto was sworn in as the Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman to head an Muslim nation. 1990; Composer Aaron Copland died at age 90. 1999; A Protestant and Catholic cabinet convened for the first time in Northern Ireland. 2001; Enron Corp., under CEO Kenneth Lay, filed for bankruptcy.

Picture Of The Day: Brrrr! Since winter is upon us, I thought I'd show you some winter scenes that I like. It's nice to look at, but much like bullshit, it's hard to shovel without getting angry.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between the Pope and your boss is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 2) My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 3) I wish that they would stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. A better description would be "lucky bastards." 4) Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." 5) It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.....and that's five !

Birthdays: The lovely Rocio. Feliz Cumpleanos, my amor~! 19XX, My pal, Victor. Happy Birthday my friend ! 19XX, Maria Callas, soprano 1923, Alexander Haig, general 1924, Julie Harris, actress 1925, Gianni Versace, fashion designer 1946, Lucy Liu, actress, model 1968, Monica Seles, tennis player 1973, Nelly Furtado, singer 1978, Britney Spears, pop singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her. Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!" The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

That's it for today my little jingle bells. Remember, a teenager is God's punishment for having sex. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 to see what's jumping. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !