Baby It's Cold Outside !

The weather gods must be confused. Florida is "the sunshine state". Id est? Uh...warm weather, especially during the winter? It has hovered around 40 degrees for two straight nights and with the wind, the chill factor is even lower. I'm not pretending it's a blizzard, but it's cold enough that my Christmas ornaments are frozen to my leg.

People who live in the north have been conditioned over the years to dress warmly when leaving home. The reason, of course, is that over the years, those who didn't dress warmly perished or at the least, froze their asses off. Northern wise men and women have passed this important information down from generation to generation.

In Florida, we don't pass down this information about cold weather because we usually don't have to deal with it. That and the fact that most Floridians have Old Timer's disease and we've already forgotten about last year's cold spell. This is why every winter, a cold front comes through and we all get caught out at night in tee shirts and shorts and freeze our proverbial asses off.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." The best way to make the cold winter go fast is to sign a note in October that becomes due in six months.

Tonight's Florida weather forecast: Dark, continuing mostly dark throughout the night and leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.

This cute Christmas video comes to me via my pal, Linda In Washington.

The News As I See It: WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange turned himself in to police in England yesterday. When the judge asked him where he lived, he said he didn't want to give out that information. Now he wants to withhold information?

The Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy will continue thanks, to the courage of a strong republican leader, Barack Obama. In fact, Obama changed his slogan from "yes, we can" to "yes, we cave." I’ll give you an idea how bad it is for him now. Now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.

This year, you have to be careful of political correctness, especially around Christmas. You can’t call them "Santa’s elves" anymore. They’re "undocumented little people."

Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They’re going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program.

President Obozo’s pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true, thanks to WikiLeaks.

Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson.

This Date In History: 1854; Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception. 1886; The American Federation of Labor was founded at a convention of union leaders in Columbus, Ohio. 1941; Congress declared war on Japan and the U.S. entered World War II.

1949; Communist attacks forced the Chinese Nationalist government to flee to the island of Formosa (Taiwan). 1978; Former Israeli prime minister Golda Meir died. 1980; John Lennon, former member of the Beatles, was shot and killed in New York City by a deranged fan.

1987; President Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev signed the first treaty to reduce the nuclear arsenals of the two superpowers. 1993; President Bill Clinton signed The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) into law.

Picture Of The Day: On this date in 1980, John Lennon was assassinated by Mark David Chapman, a man, who had he been born a common animal, would have eaten by his mother in the manner of that nature prescribes that the weak shall perish. Instead, Chapman prevailed and ended the life of a fine person, writer, musician and singer. The world is a sorry state when innocent people are injured or murdered due to mistakes of nature. Rest in peace, John.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. 2) It was so cold in Miami yesterday, my lawyer had his hands in his own pockets. 3) You know you're getting old when about half the stuff in your shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 4) Christmas time during the era of the Roman empire: Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping. 5) Christmas Senile Dementia is defined as walking in a winter wonderland miles from your house in your slippers and robe......and that's five !

Birthdays: Mary, Queen of Scots, queen 1542, Christina, queen of Sweden 1626, Eli Whitney, American inventor 1765, William C. Durant, manufacturer 1861 Aristide Maillol, sculptor 1861, Jean Sibelius, composer 1865, Diego Rivera, painter 1886.

James Thurber, humorist 1894, Lee J. Cobb, actor 1911, Sammy Davis, Jr., singer, actor 1925, David Carradine, actor 1936, Jim Morrison, rock musician 1943, Kim Basinger, actress 1953, Teri Hatcher, actress 1964, Sinead O'Connor, singer, songwriter 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. He moaned, "Tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

She replied in a voice oozing with scorn, "Even worse. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing everyone at the party and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." The man said, "He's an asshole, piss on him." His wife said, "You did and he fired you." The man said, "Well, screw him!" His wife replied, "I did. You go back to work on Monday."

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in.

The Irishman says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies, "Get out. You're in my side."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." The son asked, "Onions?" The father replied, "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom , how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." The daughter asked, "A Christmas tree?" Her mother answered, "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only!"

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."

Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only one, God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

That's it for today my little missile toes. Remember, a gentleman is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Squirrely

I enjoy walking in the morning (except after trips to AREA 51 the previous evening) and it just so happens that I've made friends with a little squirrel that lives in an oak tree down the road. It has become so common to see him that I bring little treats which I leave on the ground for him. Once I walk away from the tree, he scampers down and retrieves the treats and scurries back up the tree.

I have tried to take pictures of him and thus far, I have only managed to get one picture (below) using my cell phone camera. It's not real clear but I couldn't get close enough for a good picture. Then, I began taking my Canon with me but either I couldn't find him or he would hide.

Today, I took my walk and did not bring my Canon or my cell phone. When I got to his tree, he came down the tree and ambled over next to me looking for his treats. As I emptied my pockets of treats, I politely asked him why he wouldn't come down from the tree when I had my camera. He didn't answer, just grabbed his treats and went back up the tree. Maybe he lost his voice.....

It's the time of the year that every conniving, thieving company will be on television advertising for your Christmas dollars. If you hear the terms "But wait, that's not all" or "we'll double the offer", it's crapola. Finally, if it's "only $19.99", grab your wallet and a pistol.

On Dec 7, 1941, the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, killing more than 2,300 soldiers and civilians and injuring many more. The unprovoked attack woke up a sleeping giant and came to an end in 1945 when Japan surrendered to America after two devastating H-bomb drops on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Tomorrow is a day to remember the men and women, both past and present, of our armed forces.

The picture below is the USS West Virginia under siege at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.

The News As I See It: President Obozo made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. Nobody knew he was going, well.....except for the WikiLeaks guy. Obie was going to have a meeting with Afghan President Karzai about the country’s corruption, incompetence and the wasting of American tax dollars. And that’s just what Karzai was going to lecture Obama about.

What kind of name is WikiLeaks? It sounds like a Hawaiian guy that’s incontinent.

Nigerian authorities are charging Dick Cheney in a bribery scandal involving Halliburton. You know it’s bad when guys in Nigeria are accusing you of a scam.

This Date In History: 1884; Construction of the Washington Monument was completed. 1889; Jefferson Davis, the first and only president of the Confederate States of America, died in New Orleans. 1923; A presidential address was broadcast on the radio for the first time when Calvin Coolidge spoke before Congress.

1926; French impressionist painter Claude Monet died at age 86. 1973; Gerald Ford was sworn in as vice president, replacing Spiro T. Agnew. 1992; The destruction of a mosque in India by Hindu extremists set off two months of Muslim-Hindu fighting that claimed at least 2,000 lives. 1998; Hugo Chavez elected president of Venezuela.

Picture Of The Day: Eclectic is the word used to describe my choice of pictures for today. I think the fact that it's Monday also enterd into the equation. Nevertheless, these are the pics that amused me, especially the one of Brother Kirt (above right with beer) holding a beer. He asked me to send him a copy of the picture of us working on race cars when we were young.

I see "us" in the picture and I see "beer" in the picture, but I see no one "working" on the race cars. This is how it used to start. I call it "Good intentions but we strayed."

That's me and my pals (below) sitting on the hood of a Rambler in the infield at the 1964 Daytona 500. Admission $5.00 - Good times!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. 2) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 3) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 4) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 5) Women never know where to look when eating a banana......and that's five !

Birthdays: My niece, Kimberly (Sissie). Happy Birthday Babydoll ! 19XX, Jean Eugene Robert Houdin, conjurer and magician 1805, Joyce Kilmer, poet 1886, Ira Gershwin, lyricist 1896, Gunnar Myrdal, economist 1898, Agnes Moorehead, actress 1906, Eleanor Holm, swimmer 1913, Dave Brubeck, jazz musician 1920, Patsy Takemoto Mink, U.S. representative 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man left work one Friday afternoon. Since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, " That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A man woke up with a bad hangover after a long evening of partying. As his girlfriend was coming out of the bathroom, she asked him how he was feeling. He replied, "Well, I think I'll be ok. Did you enjoy last night?"

She replied sarcastically, "Well, if you consider having your boyfriend fall asleep during reciprocation as fun, what do you think?" The boyfriend answered dejectedly, "Well, I guess that explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

That's it for today my little glow worms. Remember, the smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Not A Holiday Tree, It's A Christmas Tree !

Well, the rhetoric has begun. Every year during the holiday season each religion puts up some symbol that represents their particular holiday and no one pays too much attention. That is, of course, until we get to the proverbial Christmas tree. Then, rocks start turning over and from underneath crawls the protesters and naysayers protesting the term "Christmas Tree."

Well guess what? That's what it is. It isn't a Holiday tree or bush, it's a Christmas tree. Virtually every other religion is left alone when they have their holidays and yet, there's always some one who doesn't like the term "Christmas Tree."

In Philadelphia, the German Christmas Village near city hall had it's name changed to the German Holiday Village due to protests over the name. The name was changed back to Christmas Village after protests from all over the world flooded the Philadelphia city hall.

If someone from another religion greets me with their own particular terms for their holiday, it really doesn't bother me and I either reply in kind or say thank you. The bottom line? Hey, for those who care, it's a Christmas Tree! For those who don't like it or don't care, it's still a Christmas Tree. Get over it!

Here's my new Christmas video and if anyone would like a copy, I'll be happy to email you one. Just email me or let me know in your comments. The video is also on my YouTube sute and I'll put in on Facebook this weekend.

Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer.

WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should resign for ordering American diplomats to spy on their foreign counterparts. Thanks, creepy Australian guy who’s wanted for rape in Sweden, we’ll make a note of that.

California Gov. Schwarzenegger attended a menorah-lighting ceremony. He said he always looks forward to Hanukkah. At least I think that’s what he said. He might have said "I like to play the harmonica."

President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush.

Senator John McCain said it's time for a regime change in North Korea. To which the waitress said, "Sir, if you don’t order now, you’re going to miss the early bird special."

Happy birthday to Woody Allen, who turned 75 this week. It’s not easy to find a card that says, "Happy Birthday, Dad/Husband."

This Date In History: 1818; Illinois became the 21st state in the United States.
1833 Oberlin College in Ohio became the first coed institution of higher learning in the U.S. 1910; Mary Baker Eddy, founder of the Christian Science movement, died.

1919; French painter and sculptor Pierre A. Renoir died at age 78. 1967; Dr. Christiaan N. Barnard performed the world's first successful human heart transplant. 1984; A cloud of deadly poison gas leaked from the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India, killing over 4,000 people.

Picture Of The Day: I really liked this picture of the cabin in the woods that was sent to me by my pal, Wally. Neat, huh?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have a French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 2) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. 3) On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? 4) Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today. 5) One snowman said to another snowman, "Do you smell carrots?".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Gilbert Stuart, painter 1755, Ellen Swallow Richards, chemist and educator 1842, Anna Freud, psychoanalyst 1895, Jean-Luc Godard, film director 1930, Ozzy Osbourne, rock musician 1948, Julianne Moore, actress 1960, Daryl Hannah, actress 1960, Katarina Witt, skater 1965, Brendan Fraser, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma,

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Rose, Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language."

Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter said, "In honor of this holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, "It represents a candle." Saint peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."

That's it for today my little sleigh belles. Remember, the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, continues to sing. I think I'll go to AREA 51 tonight for the karaoke show. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Christmas Time !

Well, you must have known it was coming. No, not Christmas, that's too easy. Nope, it's the infamous Photoshop gang, ready willing and able to take any sweet picture of Santa and make it funny. Don't worry though, Santa has a way of dealing with obstacles and it won't stop him from making it to your house on Christmas Eve.

As for me, the holidays are upon us and every week some group's celebrating something and that means a possible party. Talk about Christmas spirits, in the next few weeks there'll be many ho-ho-hos overheard as the office parties and nightclubs get down to the business of celebrating.

So, it's time to get down to my roaming and partying weight and see what kinds of things I can find to amuse myself. In the interim, today's Hump Day and there's a good chance I'll go exploring in AREA 51 for happy hour.

On Friday, I'll be changing my playlist to my Christmas and holiday songs. If anyone has a special request or addition to the holiday playlist, please let me know in your comments and I'll be happy to add it (assuming I can find it).

Additionally, I will debut my new video recording of The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire). If anyone would like a copy of this song or any other of my recordings, please email me at JimSulliv3@aol.com and I'll be happy to send it to you. All of my songs can also be seen and downloaded on my Facebook site.

The News As I See It: A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate.

WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it’s because Joe Biden said it.

A man was arrested on Black Friday at a Walmart in Palm Beach, Fla. carrying a gun, two knives, and a grenade. Residents of Palm Beach were stunned and said, “We have a Walmart here?"

If you’re a turkey or a sweet potato, congratulations on making it through last weekend alive. It turns out that it’s not the turkey that makes you sleepy, it’s being drunk at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday.

In Other News: Starbucks is reportedly making plans to begin selling beer and wine at their coffee shops. Apparently, Starbucks is having trouble finding sober people willing to pay nine bucks for a cup of coffee. A snowball fight turned into a 500-person brawl in Germany. Out of habit, France immediately surrendered. Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here.

This Date In History: 1824; The presidential election between John Q. Adams, Andrew Jackson, William Crawford, and Henry Clay was turned over to the House of Representatives due to the lack of an electoral-vote majority. 1887; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes appeared for the first time in print in the story "A Study in Scarlet." 1955; Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give up her front-section bus seat to a white man in Montgomery, Ala.

1959; Twelve nations, including the United States, signed a treaty setting aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve free from military activity. 1997; Representatives from more than 150 countries gathered at a global warming summit in Kyoto, Japan, and over the course of ten days forged an agreement to control the emission of greenhouse gases. President Bush pulled the U.S. out of the Kyoto Protocol in 2001. 1998; Exxon and Mobil agreed to merge, creating the world's largest corporation.

Picture Of The Day: Although today's picture isn't about Christmas,. I just couldn't resist showing you this excellent photoshop caricature of The Rolling Stones.

Oh! I almost forgot! I bought a Christmas present for Jack and the boys to share. It's a candy cane and it's waiting below.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out. 2) 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 3) 9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane. 4) 9 out of 10 men said they preferred women with great tits. The remaining man said he preferred any one of the others. 9 5) 9 out of 10 men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Marie Tussaud, modeler in wax 1761, Walter Alston, baseball manager 1911, Minoru Yamasaki, architect 1912, Mary Martin, singer, actress 1913, Woody Allen, actor, writer, and director 1935, Lee Trevino, golfer 1939, Richard Pryor, comedian, actor 1940, Bette Midler, singer, actress 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is? The little boy said, "No, I don't." The teacher said, "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." The teacher said, "Very good, Billy." The teacher then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of elementary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Aqueduct race track to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fifth grade" He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the second race."

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, "I'll bet these are flowers!" The girl replied, "How did you know?" The teacher said, "Just a lucky guess."

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, "Just a lucky guess."

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, "No." She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily,"A puppy!"

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

That's it for today my little buttercups. Remember, a bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. It's Wednesday and Happy Hour looms. I'm going to AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !