Nothing annoys me more than to hear a news anchor or analyst utter the phrase, "That's a tough road to hoe". Yep, roads are pretty tough to hoe. The correct phrase is "a tough row to hoe" referring to farming or gardening. Of course, the phrase itself confuses some people as the word "hoe" can be a homonym for an urban mispronunciation of the word "whore." And it gets worse. Aside from the fact that conjugation of common verbs seem to be a hurdle for many, written misuse of the words "their", "there" and "they're" is common. I sometimes even find myself typing the wrong word and I try to proofread and spellcheck most of my entries so I don't sound like a dummy. So, that's my soapbox delivery for today and their you have it. Amo, amas, amat..... Question: Why are the majority of the people on the president's Job Council some of his greatest campaign contributors? Cronyism? The News As I See It: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side.....unless you're in a canoe. A new survey found that people in the U.S. will spend a record $50 billion on their pets this year. I heard it on the radio while I was driving over to my cat Shithead's apartment. Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking Spanish.....as opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish. The stock market skyrocketed on Monday. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day? Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, "Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop." Congratulations to Paul McCartney, who was just married for the 3rd time. Paul smiled and seemed to know where he was.
This Date In History: 1492; Columbus landed in present-day Bahamas. He promptly lost $100 in the casino, playing at the roulette table. 1870; General Robert E. Lee died in Lexington, Va., at age 63. 1960; Soviet premier Nikita Krushchev created a disturbance at the U.N. General Assembly by pounding his desk with his shoe.
1964; The Soviets launched Voskhod I, the first space capsule to carry three people into orbit.1999; NBA Hall-of-Famer Wilt Chamberlain died at his Bel Air home at the age of 63. 2000; 17 U.S. sailors killed with the terrorist attack on the USS Cole in Yemen. 2002; A bomb destroyed a nightclub in Bali, killing 202, mostly tourists. Picture Of The Day: Some of my favorites. I hope you enjoy them.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. When I want flavored water, I pour scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water. 2) Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. 3) It's hard to believe that some television networks actually cover Competitive Eating contests. I guess it's because watching those athletes at the poker table is just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? 4) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months as in "27 Months." Just tell me, "He's two," and that will do just fine. He's not wine or cheese and I didn't really care in the first place. 5) Just because the tattoo right above the crack of your ass has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Actually, it translates to "Eat at Won-Hung-Lo's restaurant" The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying that you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.....and that's five ! Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 12th: Take a tip from the camels, tonight should be good. I'd skip the part about the seserts, though. You know how sand can screw up a good evening. If you get the same bartender as last time, I'd make sure the tip is more than appropriate. Birthdays: Elmer Ambrose Sperry, inventor 1860, Samuel Elmer Imes, chemist, physicist 1883, Ann Petry, novelist 1908, Luciano Pavarotti, Italian tenor 1935, Hugh Jackman, actor 1968, Charlie Ward, football & basketball player 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man is celebrating his birthday with all the members of his family at the Old Folks Home when in walks a Kissagram Lady. She walks sexily up to the old guy and announces that she is going to give him super sex. The old man looks at the woman and replies, "Thanks, but I'll just have the soup." An old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six." The judge, feeling sorry for the old woman, thought he'd teach her a lesson. He said, "I will give you six hours in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:My thanks to my pal Dave for his contribution to today's stories. A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a rottweiler. The man asks what the items are for. The zoo keeper says, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him and the rottweiler will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, shoot the rottweiler." A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that offend some people." Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the parrot down on the table. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."
A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, two new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. The parrot said, "Hi Ray!" A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $1,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" The duck's former owner said, "Hmm...! Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, no matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. It's hump day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday. Stay Tuned !
There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called "Monday." It rained all weekend and my cable was out most of the time. I don't know if the weather gods wanted to change Miami or just toilet train it. There were a lot of thunderstorms, but for the most part, it just drizzled. Imagine me sitting in my recliner with no televison, no internet and my cat, Shithead, pissing and moaning about everything. It was too quiet. I need a little noise. When it's too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying. Well, I guess into every life, some rain must fall. In my case, it's usually when my car windows are down. In all of the quiet, I did think of something that I couldn't answer. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
The News As I See It: Some economists say we are in a recession again and some disagree. I don't know who's right about the economy, but the other day, I went to McDonalds and asked for a double cheeseburger. The kid behind the counter grabbed a cheeseburger and folded it in half. Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, actually it's 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job. China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen. There’s a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don’t pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year. This Date In History: 1845; The U.S. Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, Md. 1886; The tuxedo dinner jacket made its debut at a ball in Tuxedo Park, N.Y. 1911; Sun Yat-sen's revolutionaries overthrew the Manchu dynasty in China. 1935; George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess debuted on Broadway. 1943; Chiang Kai-shek took the oath of office as president of China. 1970; Fiji gained its independence from Great Britain. 1973; Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned after being charged with tax evasion. 1985; Actor and director Orson Welles died in Hollywood at age 70. 2001; California representative Nancy Pelosi became minority whip. 2002; The US Congress gave President Bush authorization to use military force against Iraq. Picture Of The Day: Thunderstorms and lightning.....One I can handle, one I can't. Want to venture a guess as to which one?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Islamic terrorists are like king salmon. Everything's great until the seals show up. 2) In the 2012 elections, voters will be reduced to using the same criteria as a four a.m. barroom pickup: The candidate has a pulse and no visible cold sores. 3) My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone. 4) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 5) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice really chilled the mood.....and that's five ! Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 10th: I know how you hate Mondays but get your ass to work. An unexpected, but minor, expense will make overtime this week a necessity. Ok, if you must know, that late night purchase you made online after partying all night is being shipped as we speak. Yeah, I know you forgot. Drinking does that to me too! Birthdays: Jean-Antoine Watteau, painter 1684, Henry Cavendish, physicist and chemist 1731, Benjamin West, painter 1738, Giuseppe Verdi, composer of opera 1813, Robert Gould Shaw, soldier, Civil War figure 1837, Helen Hayes, actress 1900, Alberto Giacometti, sculptor 1901, R. K. Narayan, novelist 1906, Thelonious Monk, jazz pianist 1917. James Clavell, (Charles Edmund DuMaresq de Clavelle), screenwriter, director, producer 1924, Harold Pinter, dramatist 1930, Ben Vereen, actor, dancer 1946, Amanda Burton, actor 1956, Tanya Tucker, country singer 1958, Brett Favre, football player 1969, Dale Earnhardt Jr., auto racer 1974, Mya, singer, actor 1979.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife." An Avon lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. An old man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. The man said, "Damn! What's that smell?" The Avon lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The old man said, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Wait a minute Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?" She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter." He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"
A woman is having a bad day at the tables in Las Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know...why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the woman lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!" That's it for today my little jaybirds. Remember, there are far more ways to get into debt than there are ways to get out. More on Wednesday. Stay Tuned !
It seems every damned thing you do nowadays causes cancer. Then, once you've abstained from doing said "damned thing", researchers come back and say that new studies find they were wrong and now its ok to do it. Things like "don't drink red wine" "Wait! Do drink red wine" A federal panel now says don't get PSA tests for prostate cancer. The experts are starting to drive me crazy! That said, I'm a little tired of hearing all the things that cause cancer. If you don't die from cancer, your heart will quit on you. If that doesn't get you, there's other diseases patiently waiting in line to do you in. Last, but not least, if you don't drink, smoke or have sex all your life (and assuming that you're not brain dead), you're probably going to step in front of a Mack truck. Bottom line, sooner or later, you're outta here ! The News As I See It: Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey is not running for president. He weighed the pros, he weighed the cons and then he weighed himself. They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That’s not stopping Obama though. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won’t be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery. A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now he’s off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox. Amanda Knox is finally home and she says she doesn’t want to do anything that reminds her of Italy. So last night, they went to the Olive Garden. The Nobel Prize for medicine went to the team of doctors that X-rayed Kim Kardashian’s ass. A woman in California has been in prison for 20 years after she murdered her husband and ate him. The sad part is that it was the only time she and her husband had dinner together.
This Date In History: 1765; The Stamp Act Congress convened in New York to draw up colonial grievances against England. 1849; Poet-writer Edgar Allan Poe died at age 40. 1949; The Republic of East Germany was formed. 1968; The Motion Picture Association of America adopted its film-rating system, ranging from "G" for general audiences to "X" for adults only. 1985; The Italian cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked by Palestinian gunmen in the Mediterranean. 1998; Matthew Shepard, a gay student at the University of Wyoming, was beaten, robbed, and left tied to a fence. He died five days later. 2001; U.S. and British forces launched bombing campaign against Taliban government and al-Qaeda terrorist camps in Afghanistan. 2003; California governor Gray Davis was recalled and former bodybuilder and actor Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected in his place. One of his first moves at the governor's mansion was to hire a maid. Picture Of The Day: It's not that I'm against protests. I'm against protests by morons who have nothing better to do.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 2) Give me strength to change the things I can, grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. 3) When I was seven, I told my brother, Kirt, that I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840. 4) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 5) A lot of people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it's usually gone.....and that's five ! Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 7th: Go out and have fun tonight. If I were you, I'd even buy a lottery ticket because you'll feel rich until tomorrow morning when you wake up with a hangover. The skies will be filled with stars tonight while the moon, like a testicle, hangs low over the horizon. Refrain from patronizing any barnyard animals. Birthdays: James Whitcomb Riley, poet 1849, Niels Bohr, atomic physicist 1885, Elijah Muhammad 1897, Vladimir Putin, second President of the Russian Federation and Prime Minister of Russia 1952, Yo-Yo Ma, cellist 1955, Sherman Alexie, writer 1966, Rachel McAdams, actor 1976.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cold Beer: $3.00 Hamburger: $3.75 Cheeseburger: $4.00 Chicken Sandwich: $4.25 Hand Job: $20.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "Yes, may I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Yes Sir, I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,"Well, wash your hands real freaking good because I want a cheeseburger." Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." His friend says, "Really!? Like a newborn baby?" Slim says, "Yep....no hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Tabby and Victor for their contributions to today's stories. A seven year old and a five year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The five year old nods his head in approval. The seven year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The five year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." Whack! The seven year old flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. With his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step, she locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there with that foul mouth until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the five year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The five year old replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" The boy said, "No!" The Judge asked, "Why not?" The little boy said, "Because she beats me." The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." The little boy cried, "No, he beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?" The little boy said, "I want to live with the Miami Dolphins." The judge asks, "Why?" The little boy replied, "They never beat anybody." Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" The boy replies, "Eight." The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? The boy says, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one." That's it for today my little Eskimo pies. Remember, light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday. Stay Tuned !
I enjoy the antics of animals and fortunately, there are always quite a few pictures and videos on the internet. Sometimes I think that the animals are in collusion and only perfrom their zany antics to difer everyone's attention from many of life's real dilemas.
Presidential re- election ploy number 743 - "The Victim": - In an interview on Monday with ABC's George Stephanopoulous, Obama said, "I am absolutely the underdog in the 2012 election. I'm used to being the underdog." Well, buck up, prez! Tote that barge, lift that bale...... Noooobody knows the trouble I've seen..... The News As I See It: According to a Twitter study, people are happiest on the weekends and when their workday is over. Yeah, they also discovered that if you stand in front of a moving train, it will kill you. Congratulations to the Obamas, who recently celebrated their 19th wedding anniversary. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn’t find a sitter for O'Biden. Actually, Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said "yes" to an Obama proposal. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them. Amanda Knox was thankfully set free by an Italian jury. I'm guessing that after having the cast of "Jersey Shore" over there, they didn’t think Amanda was so bad. Terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed by Special Forces last week, was American-born and was a top recruiter for al-Qaida. You don’t often see an American taking a foreigner’s job. Al-Awaki was the editor of al-Qaida’s magazine, so your delivery may be a little late this month. Before this guy worked for al-Qaida’s magazine, he worked for "Carbomb and Driver." Citibank will soon charge $15 a month for checking accounts with less than $6,000. Finally, someone’s sticking it to those people with less than $6,000! It’s the third week of the Wall Street protests and they’ve closed down an entire Manhattan street. More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they’re trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn.
This Date In History: 1877; Chief Joseph surrendered to the U.S. Army. 1910; King Manuel II was overnthrown in a revolution and Portugal became a republic. 1921; The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time. 1947; In the first televised White House address, President Truman urged Americans to refrain from eating meat on Tuesdays and poultry on Sundays to help starving people in other countries. 1953; Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1962; The Beatles released their first hit, "Love Me Do," in Britain. 1990; Cincinnati's Contemporary Arts Center and its director were acquitted of obscenity charges resulting from an exhibit of Robert Mapplethorpe's photographs. 2001; Barry Bonds broke Mark McGwire's record of 71 home runs in one season when he hit his 71st and 72nd homers. Picture Of The Day: It's animal day at Jimmy's Journal, giving a brief break to the continual foot-in-mouth moves by politicians and other people, which in turn warrant and motivate photoshop artists to tee off.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" The woman said, "Actually, yes, I do." The doctor asked, ''Does it hurt you?" The old woman answered, "No, I rather like it." The doctor continued, "Well, then there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified and said, "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course, where do you think people like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid come from." A young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She answered, thoughtfully, "I've always eatern moderately and worked hard. I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Sure, but I'd appreciate it if you don't put that in your newspaper."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories. A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance. The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?" She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!" Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers, "Been on holiday yet, lads?" John says, "Off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles. The bartender says, "Ah, England, wonderful country. The history, the beer, the culture...." John says, "Nah, we don't like any of that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us." The bartender asks, "So why keep going to England?" John says, "It's the only chance that Jim gets to drive." A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years. One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore. The captain of the ship and the man began talking. "I thought I'd never get rescued." The captain asks, "How long have you been here?" The man replies, "Ten years." The captain says, "How have you coped with all that time alone?" The man answers, "Well I'm a very resourceful fellow. I built a house, learned to hunt and fish." The captain exclaimed, "But ten years without sex?" The man replied, "Not completely. About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it's head in the sand. I crept up behind it and....."
The captain said, "Oh. you poor man, that must have been horrible." The man replied, "Well, it was fine for the first five miles, but then we got out of step." That's it for today my little cotton pickers. Remember, a TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday. Stay Tuned !
I fully support the right to protest and I was totally against the Wall Street bailouts, but there should be a requirement for protesters to show some semblance of intelligence. The media attention evokes the mating call of the Green-Capped Michiganian Warbler, Michael Moore, whose appearance along with fellow idiot Susan Sarandon, only reinforce my opinions. The only one missing is (Pseudo-Revererend) Al "Have Podium, Will Travel" Sharpton. After watching some the interviews and responses from some of the "Wall Street Protesters", I'm inclined to think that some of the protesters have the I.Q. of a chimpanzee. The interviews remind me of Jay Leno's "Jaywalking" interviews where it appears that some of the street people's priorities were not directed toward paying attention in school. But let me not be the one to lead you conclusions. I introduce to you, one "Steven Colbert", host of the "Colbert Report" to give his own views of the Wall Street protests. (Please have patience with the obligatory thirty second commercial. Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar).
On a side note, let me apologize in advance for one of today's jokes. It made me laugh and I hope it amuses you as well. You'll know which one it is the moment you read it..... The News As I See It: A 6th grade student from Springfield, New Jersey, who asked Gov. Chris Christie for campaign advice, wound up losing his election for student council. Worse still, he asked President Obama for economic advice and he now owes his school $14 trillion. Mitt Romney speaks French and John Huntsman speaks Chinese. This is America, they need to speak Spanish. When Michele Bachmann heard they were bilingual, she said it’s OK, as long as they don’t get married. Florida announced that they are moving their presidential primary to January, and it will be the first in the nation. If there’s one state that is known for organized, reliable voting, it's Florida. Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to seven dwarfs, Snow White now has 25 cats. This Date In History: 1226; St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the Franciscan order, died. 1863; President Lincoln declared the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day. 1922; Rebecca L. Felton became the first woman U.S. Senator when she was appointed to serve out the term of Senator Thomas E. Watson. 1929; The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes formally changed its name to the Kingdom of Yugoslavia. 1955; Captain Kangaroo and The Mickey Mouse Club premiered on television. 1974; Frank Robinson was named the first black manager in major league baseball. 1990; East Germany and West Germany united to become Germany, 45 years after being split into two countries at the end of World War II. Picture Of The Day: Methinks thou dost protest too much!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 2) I got up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." 3) When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child.....eventually. 4) Did you ever wonder why Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? 5) Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers.....and that's five ! Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 3rd: It's gonna be a good day for you today my little woodchuck. Fall has arrived and that money you've been waiting on will follow shortly. The chance of romance is twenty percent but that won't really be a problem because you're going to be busy anyway. Birthdays: John Ross, Native American chief 1790, Pierre Bonnard, painter and illustrator 1867, Thomas Wolfe, American novelist 1900, James Herriot, writer 1916, Gore Vidal, writer 1925, Dave Winfield, baseball player 1951, Al Sharpton, Jr., activist, trouble maker and all around asshole 1954, Stevie Ray Vaughan, blues musician 1954, Tommy Lee, rock musician 1962, Clive Owen, actor 1964, Gwen Stefani, singer 1969, Neve Campbell, actress 1973. The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer. A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her. Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, "Why are there so many people here?" The farmer answered, "Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule."
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two robins were sitting in a tree when the first one said, "I'm really hungry, let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. The first one said, "I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree. The second robin said, "Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun." So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love Baskin Robins." A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The shop owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay,I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later...no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later...still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and volunteered, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. The little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher said, :That must've been scary." The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
That's it for today my little tweety birds. Remember, the zoo is a place for animals to study the behaviour of human beings. More on Wednesday. Stay Tuned !
Nothing annoys me more than to hear a news anchor or analyst utter the phrase, "That's a tough road to hoe". Yep, roads are pretty tough to hoe. The correct phrase is "a tough row to hoe" referring to farming or gardening. Of course, the phrase itself confuses some people as the word "hoe" can be a homonym for an urban mispronunciation of the word "whore." And it gets worse.
