Hitchhiking

I used to hitchhike back in the day when it seemed there were not as many axe murderers and no nightmares on Elm Street. Moreover, most of the kids I knew were never given a car on their 16th birthday by mommy and daddy. Yeah, most of us just walked or hitchhiked.

Of course, I didn't get as many rides as the young lady pictured above, but I usually got to my destination. There wasn't a fear of weirdos or serial killers, maybe because most of us didn't watch that much television and especially the news.

We were teenagers and we had our own agenda of places to go and people to see. Thankfully, no one I knew ever had any bad experiences while hitchhiking and life went on.

On one occasion, however, I did have an embarrassing moment. On Saturday nights, I always hitchhiked to Hialeah Speedway to watch the stock car races. I would stand at the traffic light and ask each driver if they would give me a lift.

It was getting late and I had almost given up hope of catching a ride when a car came screeching to a halt. I was happy and I opened the passenger door and got in the car.

Just about the time I was going to thank the man who stopped for me, he said, "What are you doing in my car?" I said, "You stopped to pick me up." He replied, "No, I stopped because the traffic light turned red. Get out of my car!"

Embarrassed, I got out of the car. As luck would have it, the very next driver pulled over and picked me up. I made it to the races on time.

The News As I See It: The U.S. Women's soccer team won the Olympic gold medal. I just want to say that all of us in America are happy for the athletes and thrilled we don't have to watch soccer for four more years.

The U.S, is leading China in both number of gold medals and number of total medals. In response, China said that's nice but we still have all your money.

A German Olympic diver did one of the worst dives ever and got a score of 0.0. To save face, halfway through the dive, he yelled "cannon ball" but the judges didn't buy it.

Mars Rover "Curiosity" is starting to send back pictures. After studying photos taken by the robot, scientists saying that Mars resembles California. Both have large mountains, little water and the possibility of hidden aliens.

A man who ordered a television from Amazon was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

Divers off the coast of Italy have discovered a 2,000-year-old shipwreck that is so well-preserved, even the food is intact. The food was carefully extracted from the wreck and served at the Olive Garden.

This Date In History: 1821; Missouri became the 24th state in the United States. 1846; The Smithsonian Institution was established in Washington, D.C., from funds left by British scientist James Smithson.

1921; Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on Campobello island. 1944; U.S. forces seized Guam from Japan. 1948; Candid Camera with Allen Funt debuted on television.

1988; President Reagan signed a bill that awarded $20,000 to each survivor of the Japanese-American internment. 1993; Ruth Bader Ginsburg was sworn in as the second female U.S. Supreme Court justice.

Picture Of The Day: I couldn't decide which picture to use for "Picture of the Day", so I'm declaring a tie between the horsie and the puppy below (A Jimmy's Journal first. Who says we're not decisive).

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. 2) The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. 3) A guy from Canada told me, "I like visiting Miami, but I couldn't live here, I like 'seasons' too much." I said, "So do I. That's why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones." 4) Money doesn't buy happiness? Oh yeah? Well, it bought my friend a wave runner and he met a hot chick at the lake and got laid. He had to pay her, but he still got laid!! 5) Hey Google, how about letting me type more than three letters in my search before you start trying to confuse me with suggestions.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 10th: Your aim to drink 8-10 glasses of water today may come crashing down on you when you get stuck in traffic later. I wouldn't discard that plastic water bottle, you may need it later. Chance of romance is 71.46 percent assuming you don't have an "accident" in traffic.

Birthdays: My pal Larry - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Herbert Hoover, 31st president of the United States 1874, Norma Shearer, actress 1900, Jorge Amado, author 1912, Rosanna Arquette, actress 1959, Antonio Banderas, actor 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

A woman in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix (of course), who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain.

The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, the woman began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple. The neighbor woman answered the door and answered, "A black cat? Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida every winter."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Sasquatchia, a pregnant woman, from was involved in a car accident and while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child and asked, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother Tyrone named the children for you."

Sasquatchia shrieked, "Lordy, not my brother! He's not really very bright." The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise." Sasquatchia smiled and said, "Oh, that's no so bad. What's the boy's name?" The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

She answered with a seductive smile, Yes..." Her husband said, "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa." (He never heard the gunshot).

That's it for today, my little kidney beans. Remember, a weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for a little rest and recreation. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

What's Your Name? Is It Mairy Or Sioux ?

Having seen many strange and misspelled first names, I have a plan. Before parents take their newborn babies home, they should Google the name. If the Google phrase "Did you mean.....?" comes up, there's a reasonable chance that mom and dad failed spelling class in school.

If the Google phrase "What were you thinking" or "Say what?" appears, chances are that mom and dad have a combined IQ of less than 120.

Many parents don't seem to think out the process of giving their child a first name. If the Johnson family thinks that "Johnny" is a wise choice or the Thompson parents think that "Tommy" sounds great, then the child will probably have a rough time growing up....unless Tommy Thompson hangs out with Johnny Johnson and Willie Williams.

Exotic names are a dime a dozen and have become so common place that any name ending "ica" is a relatively bad choice. Moreover, if you're going to get exotic, make sure you don't spell names like "Antoine" as "Antwon."

Oh, and by the way, Chardonnay and Lexus are not first names. The first is a green-skinned grape variety used to make white wine, originating in the Burgundy wine region of eastern France and the latter is a luxury automobile.

The News As I See It: I'm getting Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beaten by a trash-talking socialist horse from Kenya.

Just before his record-breaking 100 meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.

Olympic equestrian and sailing events are sports for people who grew up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

The Olympic games are into their second week and Greece is already 14 medals in debt.

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him."

There's a feud going on between Elton John and Madonna. Elton John said Madonna looks like a fairground stripper. I don't know about you, but I hate to see two gay men fighting. What is a fairground stripper? Maybe I wasn't paying attention the last time I went to the fairground.

The movie "The Lorax" is out on DVD today. Danny DeVito is the title character. It's an oddly shaped hairy creature that resembles a small walrus. So is the Lorax.

This Date In History: 1588; English forces attacked the Spanish Armada, permanently crippling Spain's "invincible" fleet. 1786; Dr. Michael-Gabriel Paccard and Jacques Balmat became the first to climb Mont Blanc. 1876; Thomas Edison patented the mimeograph machine.

1900; The first Davis Cup tennis tournament began at the Longwood Cricket Club in Brookline, Massachusetts. 1963; In "The Great Train Robbery," some 15 thieves robbed the Glasgow-to-London mail train, making off with more than $6 million in cash.

1969; Sharon Tate, wife of director Roman Polanski, and four others were murdered by members of Charles Manson's "family." 1974; President Nixon announced he would resign the following day as a result of the Watergate scandal. 2008; The Summer Olympic Games opened in Beijing, China.

Picture Of The Day: My high school pal Wally has a recent addition to his family and her name is Ginger. He assures me that she is not spoiled, but I have my doubts.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 2) I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. 3) An Arkansas man's front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. If the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 4) Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions. 5) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 8th: The Nigerian bank that is holding your email-friend's money does not exist, but don't fret. Word has it that you may have already won 10 million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House. Chance of romance is 45.25 percent but that's about the best odds you'll get this week. 

Birthdays: Charles Bulfinch, architect 1763, Matthew Henson, arctic explorer 1866, Emiliano Zapata, Mexican revolutionary 1879, Sara Teasdale, poet 1884, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, author 1896, Dustin Hoffman, actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three boys were all in third grade; an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a Southern boy. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea and said, "I know, we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’." The southern boys said, "How do you play that?" The Spanish boy, "It's easy. We can play it next recess."

When recess time came, the three boys went outside. The Spanish boy said, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.

The Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the Southern boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. They both said, "You win for sure."

Later that day the Southern boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?" The boy said, "Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a southern boy." His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine, shaking it all up and watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied, "Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water." If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a young rocker girl entered. The patient had streaked blond hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."

After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, we had to mow the lawn."

A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde replies, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

Three women escaped from prison, a blonde and two brunettes. To get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around, so they hid in them.

When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" His partner replies, "Kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding."

The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells, "Meow!" The officer said, "Its just a stupid cat in there." He kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, "Ruff! Ruff!" The officer says, "It's a stupid dog!" He kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "Potatoes!"

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, a friend is a person who hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. Before I forget, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Curiosity

NASA's Mars rover Curiosity touched down on the surface of the Red Planet at approximately 1:30 am this morning, completing a 154-million-mile journey and marking the beginning of a new era in planetary exploration.

I followed the last 30 minutes of the landing on NASA TV and I got a deep feeling of exhilaration when Curiosity finally touched down. Watching the faces of all of the people responsible for the landing, I felt like they knew they were well prepared and a successful landing was eminent. Yet, each and every one of them also seemed to be a bit fidgety until the official announcement of touchdown.

Curiosity, which weighs a ton and is about the size of a small SUV, approached Mars at about 13,000 miles per hour. When the Martian atmosphere slowed the craft to about 900 miles per hour, a supersonic parachute deployed, slowing the craft even further.

After the rover separated from the parachute, rocket motors fired, continuing to slow the descent. Then, at about 60 feet above the surface, a "sky-crane" lowered the rover to its new home on the Red Planet. Congratulations NASA for a terrific scientific feat.
   

The News As I See It: The I.R.S. is taxing the income gained by the U.S. Olympic team member who won medals in London. Now there's a thought. Tax people who invested four years of their lives to represent America having to pay taxes on the pittance they earned. What asshole came up with this idea?  

Harry Reid speculated Mitt Romney didn't pay taxes for 10 years. He made the accusation on the Senate floor because there's a law that anyone who makes a remark on the Congressional floor cannot be sued for slander or defamation. Here's a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words "I don’t know if that’s true", then shut the f*ck up.

Hollywood has made a remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, "Total Recall." It's a movie that asks two haunting questions: "What is reality?" and "Will you pay to see a movie that stunk the first time?" The new movie doesn't have Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's got Colin Farrell. I don't think Colin Farrell is a good replacement because he can act.

Total Recall is about a guy who wakes up with no memory, which is a perfect role for Colin Farrell because he's Irish - we're used to it. Colin Farrell's character is a spy, and his wife is an assassin who's trying to kill him. That must be why they didn't bring back Arnold Schwarzenegger. He could never relate to a character whose wife wants to kill him, right Maria?

This Date In History: 1806; The Holy Roman Empire ended with the abdication of Emperor Francis II. 1825; Bolivia declared its independence from Peru. 1926; Gertrude Ederle became the first U.S. woman to swim across the English Channel. 1945; The first atomic bomb used in warfare was dropped on Hiroshima, Japan.

1962; Jamaica gained its independence within the Britain Commonwealth. 1965; President Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which outlawed the poll taxes and literacy tests that had restricted black voter registration in the South.

1997; British prime minister Tony Blair and Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams meet - the first time in 76 years that a British leader and an IRA ally meet. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy to replace Gray Davis as governor of California to Jay Leno on the Tonight Show (That worked out well, huh?!).

Picture Of The Day: The amazing Mars rover Curiosity will begin exploration of the red planet starting today and will continue over the next two years. The findings and results should be extraordinary.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Snuggies are a stupid invention. Not only that, they're not new or an invention. In my house, we call them robes and if you're too stupid to operate a blanket, you deserve to be cold. 2) It's rumored that Senator Harry Reid took a Viagra pill and got two inches taller.  3) A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. 4) Those who say they "sleep like a baby", haven't got one.  5) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 6th: Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts, so please bear in mind that any visits to the produce section of the grocery store may prove embarrassing. Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. Chance of romance is 37.91 percent and possibly higher if your trip to the grocery store works out.

Birthdays: Alfred Tennyson, English poet 1809, Alexander Fleming, bacteriologist, discovered penicillin 1881, Helen Jacobs, tennis player 1908, Lucille Ball, actress, comedienne 1911, Richard Hofstadter, historian 1916, Robert Mitchum, actor 1917, Andy Warhol, artist(?), film maker 1928.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage."

He continued, "I take off my shoes, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, flush it, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'Who's horny?!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

The old man responds, "I'm 90 years old." The woman says. "90 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man gets on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and he sits down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

The eighty year old said, "That's nothing! Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30, I piss like a racehorse and at 8:30 I crap like a pig. His friends queried, "That's great, so what's the problem?" The ninety-year-old said, "I don't wake up until eleven."

That's it for today, my little butterflies. Remember, nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Was That You?

I believe that the Creator made two minor errors when creating man. I think that both urine and flatulent gas should be brightly colored. This would accomplish two things. It would a) identify the perpetrator and b) warn others of impending toxic exposure and singed nostril hair.

A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer. But just imagine if the color of the peepee was dayglow orange. Identification of the culprit would be rather easy unless the cowardly swimmer waited until he was standing in a group. 

As for flatulence, methinks the escaping gas should be a bright maroon for non-lethal flatulence and a glowing purple for the more toxic flatulence known as "SBD" (Silent But Deadly), which is totally inaudible but causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Additionally, flatulence would discolor the perpetrator's clothing.

This would immediately identify the culprit in the a crowded elevator. The only possible drawback would be if a midget was directly in the line of fire of the flatulator, thus causing a slight discoloration of the his face.

As for me, these color codes, especially SBD purple, would have protected me from flatulence from both Brother Kirt and our dog Beanie, both of whom were cruel experts in the art of sitting down beside me and discharging SBD's.

The News As I See It: The newest Olympic scandal is that eight female badminton players were expelled for trying to lose on purpose. Tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton...unless they get invited to a picnic.

Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?

The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.

This Date In History: 1492; Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain. 1914; Germany declared war on France. 1923; Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th president of the United States, following the death of Warren G. Harding.

1949; The National Basketball Association was formed. 1958; The nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. 1981; U.S. air traffic controllers went on strike.

1987; A 22-cent stamp honoring author William Faulkner was issued. Its first-day cancellation was held in Oxford, Miss., where Faulkner had served as postmaster from 1921 until his resignation in 1924; following accusations of negligence. 1987; The Iran-Contra hearings ended.

Picture Of The Day: Have you ever wondered how some colleges come up with their school logo?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I kind of feel bad for Obama. Look at the mess he's going to inherit if he gets re-elected. 2) My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge that read, "It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mom’s." So I checked the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold. The fridge was working fine. I'm still not sure what the problem was. 3) The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 4) Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 5) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 3rd: Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Try to avoid reading dusty old books that call themselves "tomes." Chance of romance is 35.91 percent.

Birthdays: My good pal "Jumpin' Johnny G" Garnett - Happy birthday, my friend! 19XX, Elisha Otis, inventor of the elevator 1811, Rupert Brooke, poet 1887, P. D. James, mystery novelist 1920, Tony Bennett, singer 1926, Martin Sheen, actor 1940, Martha Stewart, entrepreneur 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Paula and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A blonde went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a malt." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."

The blonde said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blonde leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a malt."

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!"

That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember, to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. I'm off to AREA 51 for some wining and dining. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

If You Need Five Hours Of Energy, Just Go To Bed !

As you may have surmised, I have no patience for rip-off products and my current arguments are with the so-called "energy drinks" and "vitamin water" which have turned into nearly a billion dollar per year industry. Oddly enough, anyone can create their own energy drink company as the main ingredients are massive doses of caffeine and sugar.

On the 5-Hour Energy homepage it says that the drink contains 2000% daily value of B6 and the 8333% of B12. All other ingredients including the amino acids are in amounts considered to be healthy, but what about the amount of B Vitamins?

The 5-Hour Energy website has an explanation for those that are concerned about taking a large dose of Vitamin B that states that the B Vitamins in their supplement; B6, B12, B3, and B9 are water soluble, any amount that is not absorbed is "expelled with no toxic effects."

What they fail to explain is that water, an essential ingredient that is needed to expel unused B Vitamins, should be mega-dosed to offset the mega-dose of B Vitamins in a 5 Hour Energy shot. Contrary to belief, it is possible to overdose on Vitamin B.

Overdosing on Vitamin B happens when intolerable amounts are taken over a long period of time which can result in headache, dizziness, fainting, yellowing of skin, and temporary nerve/brain damage that can last 3 months to 3 years.

Their latest claim is that 73 out of 100 doctors recommend the product. I don't know what country these doctors are from, but I highly doubt the claim. As you know, a lot of people are paid a lot of money to recommend a lot of products. Prostitution at its highest and most effective form.

Because energy drinks are considered dietary supplements, the FDA doesn't require them to list caffeine amounts. If massive doses of unhealthy caffeine and sugar are what you need to keep your life afloat, then have at it. Adding vitamins or anything else does nothing.

The News As I See It: Liberals are protesting Chic-fil-A over the company CEO's opposition to same sex marriage. Liberals are also accusing Chick-fil-a of racism for separating the white meat from the dark meat.

At the London Olympic games, a dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name "Speedo." It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

China has won the most gold medals, so far. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. NBC apologized saying, "We're just not used to people watching our network."

An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she's thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.

Tropical depression Fabio is slowly fading. Wow, they actually named a storm "Fabio." You shouldn't even name your kid "Fabio."That name should not be allowed for tropical storms for the same reason the DMV rejects certain names for license plates.

This Date In History: 1790; The first U.S. census was completed, showing a population of 3,929,214 people. 1876; Colorado became the 38th state in the United States. 1936; Adolf Hitler presided over the opening of the Berlin Olympic Games.

1946; President Truman signed the congressional acts that established the Atomic Energy Commission and the Fulbright Scholarship program. 1981; MTV made its debut at 12:01 AM. The first video shown was Video Killed the Radio Star by the Buggles.

Picture Of The Day: Some inventions are just downright intelligent. It takes so little effort to insure that your pet always has fresh water.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sure, blue jeans are comfortable....but forever in them? 2) I'm enjoying watching the Olympic swimming competition and I like to feel like I'm part of the action, so I watch it from my bathtub. 3) In order to fly on an airplane, I must be filled up with Johnny Walker Black at the same time as the airplane is filled with aviation fuel. 4) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 5) I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 1st: All your problems cannot be solved by putting them in one basket full of eggs. Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day. This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz or the Communist Party. Chance of romance is 61.55 percent.

Birthdays: My friend Shirley - Happy Birthday 19XX, Claudius I. Roman Emperor 10 B.C., Jean Baptiste Lamarck, naturalist 1744, William Clark, explorer 1770, Francis Scott Key, author of The National Anthem 1779, Maria Mitchell, astronomer 1818, Herman Melville, author 1819, Yves Saint Laurent, fashion designer 1936, Jerry Garcia, lead guitar player of The Grateful Dead, musician 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and decided to have a contest regarding who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

John went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." Mary said, "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

On a train from London to Manchester, a man was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. The man said, "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Last week, as Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and said, "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replied, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Illinois Porkers. I got one for my wife and I got one for Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and said, "Excellent trade, sir."

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, lads?''

John says, "We're off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. The bartender says, "Ah, England. Wonderful country.....the history, the beer, the culture...."

John says, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? We can't stand the English. They're arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

The bartender asks, "So why keep going to England?" John replies, "It's the only chance that Jim gets to drive....."

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber and said,  "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,"Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

That's it for today, my little sunflowers. Remember, going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !