An investigative report published this weekend accuses Obama of lying to Americans about how Osama bin Laden was killed in 2011. Pulitzer prize-winning journalist Seymour Hersh claims Obama's narrative of what went down on May 2 four years ago as well as the events leading up to it were false.
In his report he cites an anonymous intelligence official who he claims was "knowledgeable about the initial intelligence about bin Laden's presence in Abbottabad." He also gathered his information from sources inside Pakistan, two consultants to Special Ops Command and Navy SEALs.
Hersh alleges that Pakistan had been holding the terrorist leader prisoner in the compound since 2006 and that the White House was told about his whereabouts by a Pakistani intelligence officer hoping to score the $25 million bounty, which casting doubt on the claim that the U.S. learned the information by interrogating an al-Qaeda follower.
The explosive report also claims there was no dramatic SEAL team firefight involved in bin Laden's killing when they made their move to capture him. The only shots fired were those that killed bin Laden, whom Hersh described as a "feeble, unarmed man."
Hersh further alleges in the report that after he was killed, bin Laden was not buried at sea, but in Afghanistan.
The White House has vehemently denied Hersh's claims.
It's too early to tell if this story is credible, but Hersh is a well respected journalists. We'll soon see if the media gets on top of this story or just pooh-poohs it ala the current Hillary Clinton scandals.
Either way, its not like Obama has lied to the American public before. Oh, wait, he has..."If you like your insurance, you can keep your insurance. If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. Period."
The News As I See It: Congratulations to Obama for visiting South Dakota last week, his 50th state. Way to go, Obie, only 7 more to go.
New York City has a rat problem. There must be three to four million rats running loose, but finally, Mayor de Blasio has declared war on rats. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to bring in more coyotes. No, not the two legged Mexican smugglers, the four legged variety
The New York rats are not regular rats. They're enormous, and they're brazen. They have to bait the rat traps with lasagna.
This Date In History: 1858;
Minnesota became the 32nd state in the United States.
1894;
The Pullman Strike began.
1949;
Siam changed its name to Thailand.
1960;
Israeli agents captured Nazi Adolf Eichmann in Argentina.
1973;
Charges against Daniel Ellsberg for his role in the Pentagon Papers case were dismissed.
1981;
Reggae performer Bob Marley died of cancer in Miami at the age of 36.
1997;
IBM's supercomputer, Deep Blue defeated Garry Kasparov, the reigning world champion, in a six game chess match.
1998;
India set off atomic blasts.
2003;
91% of Lithuanian voters opted to join the European Union—the first former Soviet nation to do so.
Picture Of The Day: There are days when you really have to try hard to stick with your diet.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
2) I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza. 3) I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house before they're 21. 4) Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide, which makes me want to twoot myself in the face. 5) A month ago I gave my cell number to a beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". She hasn't called. I think she's homeless.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 11th: Be careful of attractive people of the opposite sex seeking your seeking help. While your intent to help may be honorable, it may cause an argument. I once asked my girlfriend if she wanted help and she changed the subject and asked if a bear shits in the woods. Like I'm some sort of bear scientist or something.
Birthdays: Irving Berlin, songwriter 1888, Dame Margaret Rutherford, actress 1892, Martha Graham, modern dancer, choreographer 1894, Salvador Dali, Spanish surrealist painter 1904, Camilo José Cela, novelist and poet 1916, Richard Feynman, physicist 1918, Natasha Richardson, actress 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hair in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off. Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence, "Get well quick. From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A country boy came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
The fireman replied, "Okay! How do we get there?" The country boy says, "Don’t you still have those big red trucks?"
Britney is stranded on an island. Britney is starving. Britney forms a tool out of rocks and sticks. Britney sees a fish. Britney Spears.....
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two hookers were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "Two hookers....$50.00"
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "Jesus Saves". They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."
So the two women took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two women driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..."Two Angels Seeking Peter.....$50.00."
A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami but my Dad was born in Alabama."
The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!" Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa."
The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"
About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."
That's it for today, my little kumquats. Remember, always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Attorney General Loretta Lynch announced that the Dept of Justice will be investigating into whether the Baltimore Police Department has engaged in a "pattern or practice" of excessive force in the riots in Baltimore.
The city of Baltimore is mostly black, the mayor is black and the police force is mixed race. During the riots, the looters and arsonists were mostly black. Now the black Attorney General is investigating excessive force. If this weren't true, it would be laughable.
Meanwhile, the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration found nearly 1,600 IRS employees from 2003 to 2014 were caught intentionally violating tax law. Only a quarter of those employees were fired, while another 108 either received promotions or bonuses.
There is no word yet from Ms. Lynch as to the IRS employees who were caught cheating on their taxes, weren't fired or disciplined, but given raises. Looks like the Eric Holder NBA mentality on priorities baton has been passed along to current Attorney General Lynch.
The News As I See It: The NFL has found it was more probable than not that Patriots employees deflated balls on purpose and that Tom Brady was generally aware of it. The response has been divided. Some people believe the Patriots are cheaters who should be fined and forced to forfeit the games, and other people are from Boston.
Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.
The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being "the prince and princess of the United Kingdom." It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than "unemployed."
Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas this week. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, "You know, I think we have enough undocumented immigrants."
The archbishop of Atlanta is being forced to sell a $2.2 million mansion he bought using church funds. The bishop said he wanted the extra space because he was tired of only moving diagonally.
This Date In History: 1794; Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, the father of modern chemistry, was guillotined during the Reign of Terror.
1877; The first Westminister Dog Show was held. 1902; Mount Pelee on Martinique erupted, destroying the town of St. Pierre, and killing 40,000 people.
1945; V-E Day marks the European victory of the Allies in World War II. 1973;
The 10-week Wounded Knee occupation ended when members of the American Indian Movement surrendered.
1978;
David Berkowitz, a.k.a. the "Son of Sam" plead guilty to killing six people in New York City.
1999;
The Citadel in South Carolina graduated its first female cadet, Nancy Mace.
Picture Of The Day: On May 7th, 1945, Germany surrendered to the Allied Forces. The surrender was formally announced on May 8th. This date is now referred to as VE Day (Victory in Europe). God bless the men and women of the Armed Forces.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat Samantha constantly looks at me like I just asked her for a ride to the airport.
2) Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea." 3) I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square, much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature. 4) Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe? 5) I had myself waxed "down there". Now my socks slide on real easy.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 8th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Dogs are relatively flexible. You may wonder how this information is pertinent to you. Well, for one thing, you now know you have a pal who likes to chase cars as well.
Birthdays: Edward Gibbon, historian 1737, Jean Henri Dunant, founder of the International Red Cross 1828, Harry S. Truman, 33rd President of the United States 1884, Joselito, matador 1895, Thomas Pynchon, novelist 1937, Peter Benchley, novelist 1940.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself. He says, "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine replies, "No, thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
The man says, "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine says, "No, they spread."
An old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Los Angeles and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" The old man replied, "No, hemorrhoids."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
The doctor said, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." The man, "I know, but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
An old guy walks into a doctor's office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. The doctor asked,"What happened to you?"
The old guy said, "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and she accidentally hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake."
The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?" The old guy answered, "I said, 'Hey this looks like yours, hun!'"
That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Happy Mother's Day to the ladies (and some of the guys). Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
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My first inkling that we were poor was in elementary school. I had a box of 8 crayolas and the kid sitting in front of me had a deluxe box of 64 crayons. My chances of playing doctor with the cute girl sitting next to me went down the crapper when she asked to borrow my "Burnt orange" crayola.
I shrugged it off but I began to notice other things. Some kids had the Roy Rogers or Dale Evans lunch box and I had the brown grocery bag.
During the Christmas holidays, some kids got new bikes. We usually got a cap pistol and holster (which I liked) and the remaining gifts were usually clothes and other useful things. We got new school clothes twice a year..... the beginning of the school year and Christmas.
Still, we never felt like we were poor. After school, we were required to do our chores and finish our homework. If the sun was still up, we were outside playing with the other kids.
If we were thirsty, we drank well water form the hose. If we got hungry, the many fruit trees in the neighborhood provided a snack. We knew to come home when mother whistled or the street lights came on.
We were required to say "please" and "thank you" Parents were answered with "Yes sir" or "Yes ma'am." Mother taught us to use eating utensils correctly and table manners.
Yep, we may have not had much money, but we were blessed with good parents who raised us correctly. It's becoming a lost art.....
The News As I See It: Congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds.....or around 12 American dollars.
The 89-year-old queen of England met her new great-granddaughter for the first time. Both cried a little, burped, and then fell asleep.
A Florida man is suing a hospital for throwing his right leg away after it was amputated. The hospital's attorney told them not to worry because the man does not have a leg to stand on.
In New Hampshire, a 95-year-old World War II veteran successfully defended himself against a mugger by hitting him with his cane. The veteran will now face Floyd Mayweather next Saturday on pay-per-view.
This Date In History: 1882;
Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act over President Chester A. Arthur's veto.
1889;
The Universal Exposition opened in Paris, marking the completion and dedication of the Eiffel Tower.
1937;
The German airship Hindenburg blew up and burst into flames at Lakehurst, N.J.
1941;
Dictator Joseph Stalin became the premier of Russia.
1954;
British athlete Roger Bannister became the first person to run a mile in under four minutes (3:59:4).
1994;
The Chunnel between England and France officially opened.
1999;
Scotland elected its first separate parliament in three centuries.
Picture Of The Day: No, Donald Trump doesn’t put his hair on a big leaf when he goes to bed. This crazy, hairpiece-looking clump of yellow fluff is actually a rare caterpillar that only looks like Donald Trump’s hair.
And for that reason, this flannel moth caterpillar photographed in the Amazon has been nicknamed the Donald Trump Caterpillar.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm 80 percent Rice Krispies. 2) If God is a woman, not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it. 3) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. 4) Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. This is great news! It means we won't have to deal with them too much longer. 5) Ninety percent of women that wear yoga pants probably don't do yoga. One hundred percent of straight men don't care.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 6th: Don't be discouraged with recent politics and speeches. There's more important things to worry about this weekend if you know what I mean. Buy those shoes you were thinking about.
While you're at it, buy some odor eaters for the shoes, as well. There have been too many dogs following you around. Romance odds are 70-30 provided you buy those odor eaters. If not, plan on renting a movie.
Birthdays: Sigmund Freud, psychoanalyst 1856, Robert Peary, American arctic explorer 1856, Rudolph Valentino, actor 1895, Orson Welles, actor, director, producer 1915, Willie Mays, baseball player 1931, Tony Blair, British political leader 1953.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blond woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." The blond replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
Three little boys were visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa?" Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please. Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked, "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?"
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. He stammered, "Where to?" The woman answered, "Union Station" The cabbie said, "You got it," and took another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
The woman said, "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my balls."
That's it for today, my little pollywogs. Remember, the truth will set you free. That is, unless the truth is that you committed armed robbery holding up a liquor store. In that case, the truth will get you 10 to 25. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
I would like to wish all the Moms out there a very Happy Mother's Day !
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More on Friday.
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If you've never seen what we Southerners refer to as a "Shit-Eating Grin", take a look at Dale Earnhardt Jr's face after winning the Talladega 500 on Sunday afternoon. Earnhardt fought off overheating and a freight train of cars behind him to score a hugely popular and emotional victory.
After taking the lead on Lap 162 of the 188-lap race, Earnhardt held off his teammate Jimmie Johnson to win, with Paul Menard third, Ryan Blaney fourth and Martin Truex Jr. fifth.
The victory was Earnhardt's sixth at the mammoth 2.66-mile superspeedway but his first since October 2004. And it was the 24th triumph of his career in 551 Sprint Cup starts. It was also his first with new crew chief Greg Ives.
It was an emotional victory for Earnhardt. His late father won the final race of his career here in October 2000 and should have turned 64 on Wednesday.
In Victory Lane, Earnhardt Jr. fought back tears. "I haven't won here in a long time," Earnhardt said. "It was my daddy's birthday a couple of days ago … just real emotional, man. I've been -- everything's just so good for me right now. In my personal life and racing, the team I'm with. I don't know why. I don't feel like I deserve it, but I just feel overcome with a lot of emotion."
American Pharoah won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday edging Firing Line and and Dortmund. Dortmund set a leisurely pace with Firing Line tracking him closely in second. American Pharoah sat comfortably in third down the backstretch.
That trio made it a three-horse race in the stretch, with none of the closers able to make up ground. American Pharoah angled outside and fought off a persistent Firing Line as Dortmund tired along the rail, his six-race winning streak about to end. Jockey Victor Espinoza won his second consecutive Derby aboard American Pharoah, one year after being aboard California Chrome in the Derby.
In other weekend news: It was discovered that Secretary of State John Kerry is really a closet Republican and was caught fraternizing with a group of them. Obama was mortified and Al Sharpton's only comment was "Mother f**ker". Of course, Al has a limited vocabulary anyway once you edit out the words "ax" and "you know."
The News As I See It: Churchill Downs, which hosted the Kentucky Derby, banned the use of selfie sticks this year. Officials said that if you want to block someone’s view of the race, just do what everyone else does and wear an insanely giant hat.
As you might have expected, there was a lot of trash-talking leading up to the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. Pacquiao's trainer Freddie Roach said that he thought Mayweather wouldn't even show up. When asked why, Roach said, "He only clicked 'Maybe' on the Facebook invite."
This Date In History: 1626;
Peter Minuit landed in Manhattan, which he later bought for $24 worth of cloth and brass buttons.
1886;
The Haymarket Square riot broke out as a result of a labor demonstration.
1932;
Public Enemy Number One, Al Capone, was jailed for tax evasion.
1959;
The first Grammy Awards were held.
1961;
Civil rights activists, called "freedom riders," left Washington, DC for New Orleans.
1970;
Four Kent State University students were shot down by National Guard members during an anti-Vietnam War demonstration.
1998;
The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was sentenced to four life terms plus 30 years for his series of bombings that killed three and injured 23.
Picture Of The Day: One would hope that the story went on to say that Bruce Jenner made a donation of basketballs to inner city youths in Obama's home town of Chicago, but alas that is not the case......
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options. 2) I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass. 3) Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart and none of them like it if you pee on them.....mostly. 4) In 5th grade, during biology, my teacher asked me, "What is in cells?" I said my Uncle Ernie and Cousin Frank and she made me go home. 5) My grocery list is just a written prayer saying, "Lord, please let make me run into anyone I know dressed like this.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 4th: Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and make love. That should make your wig warm.
Birthdays: Jean Paul Marat, revolutionary 1743, Queen Victoria (Alexandrina Victoria), queen of Great Britain and Ireland (1837–1901) and empress of India (1876–1901) 1819, Lillian Gilbreth, engineer 1878, Mikhail Aleksandrovich Sholokhov, novelist 1905, Bob Dylan
singer 1941.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The bellboy, after setting out an elaborate dinner for two asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" The gentleman replied, "No thank you, that will be all."
As the bellboy turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. He asked, "Anything for your wife?" The man thought, then said, "Yes, that's a good idea. Please bring me up a postcard."
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
The boy's mother said, "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." The girl's mother yelled, "Sexuality my ass! He took out her appendix!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man says, "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice, says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a great personality and a good cook."
A doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri, a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.
The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" The bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
That's it for today, my little pickle packers. Remember, any spouse can be a trophy spouse if you take them to a Taxidermist.
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More on Wednesday.
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This weekend will have live coverage of the Kentucky Derby and the NASCAR Infinity Series at Talladega Super Speedway, Saturday night is the pay-per-view
broadcast of the Mayweather- Pacquiao fight in Las Vegas and Sunday's finale is the Talladega 500 Sprint Cup Series.
It
is a welcome break from non-stop media coverage of crime and lawlessness across the nation stemming from the death of a drug dealer at the hands of police.
While I condemn acts of police brutality, I also condemn the ignorant thugs who use someone's death as an excuse to destroy property and loot businesses.
I question the inrelligence of those who commit these acts of violence as they destroy their own neighborhoods and the few businesses who had the courage to establish themselves there. These acts only further widen the racial gap.
The News As I See It: The Baltimore riots caused the Baltimore Orioles and the Chicago White Sox to play a game in a completely empty stadium. It was the first major sporting event to be played in an empty stadium, unless you count every professional soccer game in America.
The NFL draft is under way. It will be simulcast on ESPN and Court TV.
Bruce Jenner will reportedly make a return to motivational speaking. And it's going to be a little tougher, because now he's only going to make 77 cents on the dollar.
A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six democrats under 30 who actually vote.
Ford has recalled almost 600,000 vehicles for steering problems. Owners are being told to bring their cars in as close to the dealership as they can get it.
The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after Obama. The school will be very popular...at first. Their student government won't be very good, but the golf team is expected to be amazing.
The undefeated Dortmund (Big Brown) heads the field in Saturday's run for the roses in the Kentucky Derby.
This Date In History: 1707;
The Act of Union joined England and Scotland to form Great Britain.
1931;
The Empire State Building opened in New York City. At 102 stories, it would be the world's tallest building for the next 41 years. Click to see the current tallest.
1941;
Orson Welles's Citizen Kane, considered by many the greatest film ever made, premiered in New York.
1948;
The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea) was established with Kim Il Sung as president.
1960;
The Soviet Union shot down an American U-2 reconnaissance plane over Soviet territory.
1967;
Elvis Presley married Priscilla Beaulieu. (They divorced in 1973.)
1991;
44-year-old Texas fireballer Nolan Ryan hurled his seventh and final no-hitter in a 3-0 victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. That same day, Oakland's Rickey Henderson broke Lou Brock’s stolen base record.
2003;
President Bush made a speech aboard an aircraft carrier proclaiming "major combat operations in Iraq have ended."
2009;
For the first time in 341 years, a woman is appointed as poet laureate of the United Kingdom. Carol Ann Duffy, 53, will take over the post from current poet laureate Andrew Motion.
Picture Of The Day: Which way is Baltimore? I heard they have varmint problems.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Women seem to be unaware that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get into their car. 2) I find it strange how, after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together, the King's men thought, "Let's give the horses a shot at it." 3) My girlfriend said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her change her religion and gave her smallpox. 4) Then, the spiral staircase said, "Oh, look! Jimmy's drinking Grey Goose vodka on the rocks. Let's kill him!"
5) My girlfriend just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid tonight just went from 0 to 750ml.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 1st: The morning hours will be just so-so today and tomorrow your gas tank will go from zero to $50 in under a minute. A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch will take you blissfully into the weekend and a rousing Saturday night. Sunday morning, you will probably wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.
Birthdays: Joseph Addison, writer 1672, Mary Harris Jones, labor agitator 1830, Calamity Jane, frontier character 1852, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, philosopher 1881, Joseph Heller, writer 1923, Wes Anderson, filmmaker 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph said, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out."
Joseph continued, "Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike."
A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says. "Congratulations!"
Looking at the cowboy, the clerk asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy replies, "Naw, thanks. I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a members-only golf club when a naked man with a bag over his head jumps out from behind the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies are in total shock at the size of his manhood!
The first lady says, "Well, he definitely isn't my husband."
The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He sure isn't my husband."
The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!"
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
That's it for today, my little rug rats. Remember, when someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That should tell you everything you need to know about marriage. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
