Politics As Usual? Bill Mahr Rants On Barack Obama

Bill Mahr is a witty comedian who sometimes confuses the difference between being a comedian and a witty political analyst and scholar. His early years of comedy were good and displayed his excellent wit. Lately he has let his humor languish in favor of political and religious commentary, which seems to be leaning further to the left. Although our political views are not in agreement, he normally has an intelligent view from the left which bears hearing.

That said, I have no use for most politicians no matter what their political affiliation. I am an Independent who believes there should be a third political or centrist party which would be a middle of the road party desiring what is right and based on logic, not on political affiliation.

I did not like President George W. Bush. His obvious lack of intelligence combined with his mangling of the English language did not allow me to look up to or admire him. Bush, however, did effect some good things for America and although he will never be ranked very high on the list of former presidents, he still deserves respect for doing the best he could.

I do not like President Barack Obama. His "American Idol" campaign style and subsequent election made a mockery of the election process. His refusal to take a firm stand if the subject makes him look bad makes the presidency look like a beauty contest. His reliance on his oratorical skills to evade any hot subject makes him look like the proverbial used car salesman (show me the car fax). Yet Obama has some good ideas and at this point in time, the decision is still out as to what he will accomplish as president.

As for Bill Mahr and others like him, there are always the "special" few who help confirm my belief in a celebrity version of the "Peter Principal", which states "In a Hierarchy Every Employee Tends to Rise to His Level of Incompetence." Having a nice economic niche in life just doesn't seem to be enough for these types. Unlike the struggling working public who would be quite content with such a lifestyle, these "special" few tend to leave their forte for greener pastures.

Cases in point include: Former "actor" and now Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for his political ability to bring the state of California to near bankruptcy. Former professional wrestler Governor Jesse Ventura who, among other idiotic moves, once vetoed a bill requiring public school students to recite the Pledge of Allegiance once a week. Former B-List comedienne Joy Behar, who leans so far the the left that she has to wear a lift in her shoe to stand erect. Behar, a sleazebag, foul-mouthed hack in her early comedic years, now sits as a panelist on "The View" and sometime sits in for Larry King.

Mahr, a firm democrat, did make a remarkable rant this past week as to Obama being constantly on television. Although much of Obama's television presence is not of his own making, rather that of the hack media-types frothing at the mouth and wallet in Obamamania ($), Mahr's rant is an interesting democrat on democrat point of view.

Here is the excerpt from Bill Mahr's recent television rant. You may want to turn off my music playlist audio to hear it.

Congratulations to David Letterman standing up and being a man in his public apology to Willow and Bristol Palin, Governor Palin and her family for his untoward and crude remarks.

Twitter, Facebook and MySpace are becoming very instrumental in the current strife and turmoil happening in Iran. It quite amazes me at the number of pictures and other information being sent around the world to draw attention to the apparent illegalities during and since the Iranian presidential election.

Although I do have Facebook and MySpace pages, I am not a big fan of trite or other useless information that is posted on these sites. While pictures and other pertinent information between family and friends is great, I really don't need to know that you just took a dump or you're going to the mall to shop. That point aside, the usefulness of open and truthful reaction to social, political and governmental activities is surprising and welcome.

In reaction to Senator John Ensign's recent admission of having an extra-marital affair, have you ever noticed that these people usually admit having an affair and immediately find Jesus just before being exposed?

This Date In History: 1775; The Battle of Bunker Hill, the first large-scale engagement of the American War of Independence, is fought in Charlestown, Massachusetts. 1789; As the French Revolution approaches, the Third Estate, an assembly of common people, declares itself the National Assembly, in an attempt to wrest political power from Louis XVI.

1940; SS Lancastria is sunk by German bombers off St Nazaire, France, killing thousands in Britain’s worst maritime disaster. 1972; Men are caught in the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate complex in Washington, D.C.; the cover-up of White House involvement led to President Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974.

Picture Of The Day: Bill Mahr, aside from being a comedian, is also known for his documentary, "Religulous." It is basically an anti-religion movie which loosely follows Charles Darwin's ideology and dismisses religion as one would dismiss idle gossip.

Although everyone has the right to express his or her own religious (or lack of) doctrines, I think I might not want to irritate the heavens, just in case. There's nothing like a lightning bolt to help you find Jesus.

Birthdays: Edward I, English king 1239, Charles XII, Swedish king and general 1682, John Wesley, English theologian, evangelist, and founder of Methodism 1703, Charles François Gounod, French composer 1818, Igor Stravinsky, Russian composer 1882, Charles Eames, American architect and designer 1907.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 2) Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 3) Professional football player Dante Stalworth struck and killed a pedestrian while intoxicated and received a one month sentence. While an outraged public protested, no one bothered to listen to the fact that the family of the pedestrian and Stalworth arrived at an undisclosed financial settlement. Bottom line...you can get a way with murder if you have enough money and your family is composed of financial prostitutes! 4) I often wonder how they get deer to cross at those yellow deer-crossing signs. 5) I found out how they made the Mount Rushmore carvings keep from falling to the ground......

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.

A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where you've been laddie, but it's nice to see you won first prize!"

Two lawyers are leaving the office. The first lawyer says. "I can't wait to get home. As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." The second lawyer says, "I know the feeling." The first lawyers says. "No, I'm serious, they're killing me."

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? They can track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

That's it for today my little chipmunks. It's Hump Day and AREA 51 sounds like a good idea. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Odds And Ends: Goodbye To Rabbit Ears

Television left the antenna behind this past Friday, going forward into the digital era. Since I subscribe to cable, there was no fanfare or remarkable change. Life continued on, as usual.

The good thing about the change is that the constant barrage of warnings and advice will now end. The non-stop warnings of the impending change were getting to the point that I wanted to email the television stations with the message, "We Get It!"

Now, antennae and rabbit ears, ala the eight track cassette, will retire to the electronic burial grounds and the industry will have to create a new crisis to annoy and worry the public. Now if we can just get the TV stations to stop saying, "In High Definition......"

Congratulations to fifty year old Mark Martin for winning the Michigan 400 this past Sunday. Jimmy Johnson and Greg Biffle, running first and second respectively, both ran out of fuel on the final lap giving Martin the win. Johnson and Biffle could have easily run first and second, but both entered into a pissing contest rather than think of the big picture and the added speed while contesting first position drained the remaining fuel in their tanks. Martin, the wise veteran laid back conserving fuel and when the two village idiots ran their fuel cells dry, Martin cruised to victory.

Congratulations are also in order for Team Pugeot for winning the 24 hours of Le Mans this past weekend. Marc Gene, David Brabham of Britain and Alexander Wurz of Austria completed 382 laps in 24 hours, one lap more than the Peugeot No. 8 driven by French trio Sebastien Bourdais, Franck Montagny and Stephane Sarrazin. The win was the first for Pugeot in 16 years and ended the Audi dominance.

A Chevrolet Corvette won the GT1 class at the 2009 24 Hours of Le Mans, as the number 63 Corvette Racing C6.R scored the team's sixth class victory in the French endurance classic. The question is, will this be the last victory for Corvette at Le Mans?

The number 63 Corvette Racing C6.R of Antonio Garcia, Jan Magnussen and Johnny O'Connell prevailed when the number 62 Corvette Racing entry broke down with gearbox issues while leading the class with just two hours to go. The number 63 car faced its own issues as Jan Magnussen fell ill with food poisoning during the night and was unable to continue.

This Date In History: 1215; King John signs Magna Carta, the basis of English constitutional liberties. 1752; Benjamin Franklin conducts his famous kite experiment during a thunderstorm, confirming his belief in the theory that lightning is an electrical phenomenon. 1844; Charles Goodyear patents a process to manufacture vulcanized rubber.

1907; The Second Hague Peace Conference opens in The Hague, in the Netherlands, attended by representatives from 44 countries. 1919; John Alcock and Arthur Whitten Brown complete the first-ever non-stop transatlantic flight.

Picture Of The Day: I sto..., borrowed this picture from Martha, author of Menagerie. Martha's always got a lot of really neat pictures and this one struck me so I grabbed it. You can see more pictures like this over at Martha's at
http://meandering-martha.blogspot.com/

Birthdays: Edward, the Black Prince, Prince of Wales, who distinguished himself as a military leader during the Hundred Years' War 1330, Edvard Grieg, Norwegian composer 1843, Harry Langdon, Amerian film comedian 1884, Erik Erikson, German-born American psychoanalyst 1902, Yuri Andropov, Soviet leader 1914, Mario Cuomo, American public official 1932.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Aside from the platypus, one of God's best jokes on us was to make our arms an inch short of that itchy spot on our backs, just between the shoulder blades. 2) Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 3) I was taking to a friend on Sunday and he asked me if I "got lucky" in AREA 51 this weekend. I told him that I found my car in the parking lot and I thought that was lucky. 4) I find that the easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 5) If were a drug smuggler, I'd gently insert the drugs into my dogs ass. Then, should the drug sniffing dogs come around......

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

David Letterman's crude sexual joke about Sarah Palin's 14 year old daughter Willow has the entertainment world up in arms. Although I like Letterman, there's a place to draw the line in the world of humor and he defintely stepped over it. In some circles, he's being referred to as a lecherous old pervert.

Post Script: 7:00 pm (EST) - David Letterman will formally apologize to Sarah Palin's daughters, Willow and Bristol, and to Sarah Palin and her family, on tonight's show on CBS.

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No, I work for a condom company. These are Customer Complaints."

Two old ladies, Gertie and Sadie were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Gertie pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sadie asked. "What's that?" Gertie replied, "A condom. I put it on my cigarette so it doesn't get wet." Sadie said, "Where'd you get it?" Gertie answered, "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Sadie hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely, but politely asked what brand she preferred. Sadie said, "It doesn't matter, as long as it fits on a Camel."

A young fellow was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time and you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." The young fellow asked, "What's oral sex?" Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

That's it for today my little turtle doves. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Movies And Their Sequels - Sometimes Good, Mostly Not !

I noticed an advertisement on one of the television stations that they would be showing another Halloween movie this weekend. I'm thinking; a) It's a re-run with commercials and b) At what point in time during the first 57 Halloween movies does one finally figure out that Jason kills everyone and doesn't ever die?

When a movie does well at the box office, a sequel is a natural next step and I don't have any problems with that premise. I do, however, have a problem with producers who make a two hour sequel that is basically inane, illiterate garbage and passing it off to the public just to make money.

Movies like Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm Street (which spawned the Freddy sequels) and even Rocky are mentally digestible once. The sequels were predictable garbage and even teenagers must have gotten the hint that, like the Energizer Bunny, they just keep going and going and going.

One of the biggest sequel letdowns was "The Exorcist II" which capitalized on the enormous success and raves of the original movie, "The Exorcist." The sequel was so bad that moviegoers who attended the 8:00 pm showing stayed to warn the 10:00 pm crowd to save their money.

In contrast, "The Godfather", perhaps one of the best movies of all time, was followed by "The Godfather II" which was equally as good and successfully continued the "Godfather" saga. Regrettably, The Godfather III", although watchable, was a letdown and ended the Godfather movie trilogy.

I must say that two movies that stuck in my memory as a youngster were in 3-D and if you never saw "The Creature From The Black Lagoon" or "The Blob," you missed two great thrillers. Three dimension was quite the rage in those days and it was unreal to see things come out of the screen right in your face. It's a shame they really don't make many more three dimension movies.

I always enjoyed Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour in all of the "Road" pictures. Each picture was memorable and entertaining and were always box office hits. I also enjoyed all the Marx Brothers movies and some of the comedy in those classics still live on today.

Ultimately, for me the greatest picture ever made was "Gone With The Wind." The Margaret Mitchell book comes alive on the silver screen and the melodramatic movie is still being shown on television today. Of course you may disagree that "Gone with The Wind" was not the best movie ever made and you have every right to do so. But, "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"

My ex-wivese don't suffer from stress, but they are carriers.

This Date In History: 1630: John Winthrop, the newly selected governor of the Massachusetts Bay Company, lands at Salem; he will lead the colony for the next two decades. 1667; During the Anglo-Dutch Wars, a Dutch fleet attacks the Royal Navy base at Chatham, on the Medway, capturing the Royal Charles, the English “flagship”.

1667; The world's first successful blood transfusion is carried out by Jean-Baptiste Denys, personal physician to Louis XIV, when he transfers sheep's blood into a 15-year-old boy. 1683; The Rye House Plot to assassinate Charles II is discovered.

1964; Nelson Mandela, along with other members of the African National Congress, is sentenced to life imprisonment for sabotage, treason, and conspiracy in South Africa.

Picture Of The Day: Movies are today's subject, but I'm having such fun with my pictures of CNN's James Carville (L) and Roland Martin (R), I thought I'd throw 'em at you again. In fact, these two would fit into any Jason or Freddy movies as they're both physically and politically scary. Carville looks like the illegitimate son of that creepy kid that played the Banjo in "Deliverance."

Birthdays: Charles Kingsley, clergyman and novelist 1819, E. V. Lucas, writer, essayist, and biographer 1868, Anthony Eden, British prime minister 1897, George H. W. Bush, American president 1924, Anne Frank, German victim of anti-Semitism, who wrote a diary describing her childhood in hiding from Nazi persecution in Amsterdam, the Netherlands 1929.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always yield to temptation, because it may not pass my way again. 2) One of the games that I look forward to playing in my retirement years is "Hide And Go Pee." 3) Although I like to think I'm a ladies' man, Brother Kirt is the only man I've ever watched propose marriage after having met a woman only hours earlier. Although I saw it happen many times, his salvation was always the morning after hangover which realigns one's thoughts and intentions. 4) Today's date rings a strange bell and I hope I'm not forgetting one of my lady friend's birthdays. Author's note: As soon as I finished typing the previous sentence, I realized that today's date is the anniversary of my second marriage. Brrrrr! 5) I have a memory like a steel trap - Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF."

The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "Do you think I shudda said DiMaggio?".

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

Then, the man announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again. Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how Obama's Bailout Plan works!

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

That's it for today my little popcorn munchers. Friday's here and AREA 51 beckons, so I'll be going early so I can watch the cartoons. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

A Dollar To A Doughnut? That Used To Be A Good Deal !

I should have suspected something when I saw a policeman with a white powdery substance on his moustache, but I looked away. I was more concerned about getting to happy hour in AREA 51 than worrying about a policeman with a possible substance abuse problem.

It didn't hit me that the parking lot at Dunkin' Donuts was overly populated with police patrol cars on Friday, but again, my only concern was that Johnny Walker Black was two for one until 8:00 pm. The cause.....always the damned cause. Sometimes I don't see the forest for the trees. It was yesterday that everything finally came together for me. Of course, the news story that I was watching helped a bit, as well.

You see, my little chocolate eclairs, last Friday, June 5th, was National Doughnut Day and many American doughnut (aka donut) stores offer free doughnuts on Doughnut Day. Aha! That explains the over abundance of squad cars at Dunkin' Doughnuts on Friday and gives the policeman with the white powdery adornment on his moustache a plausible defense.

The thought that I missed a free, fresh from the oven, Krispy Kreme doughnut and a hot cup of coffee on Friday irritates me to no end. Certainly, the odds would have been a better at my being arrested on outstanding warrants for impersonating a writer, but I would have been willing to take that chance. But, I didn't know.....I just didn't know.

You would think that Obama would have seized National Doughnut Day and tried to claim it as part of his stimulus package, but he was too busy recovering from his World Apology Tour. Vice President Joe Biden, in his own Dan Qualesque way, was not aware of NDD either but on a conference call Monday with reporters, Biden did claim that the planned Hudson River tunnel between New Jersey and Midtown Manhattan would provide a much-anticipated route for automobiles. The only problem, Joe, is that the tunnel is for trains, not automobiles. Like the Energizer Bunny, "Unaware Joe" just keeps gaffing and gaffing and gaffing......

National Doughnut Day ( a real holiday) started in 1938 as a fund raiser for the Chicago Salvation Army. Their goal was to help the needy during the Great Depression, and to honor the Salvation Army “Lassies” of World War I, who served doughnuts to soldiers behind the front lines in France. Soon after the US entrance into WWI in 1917, the Salvation Army sent a fact-finding mission to France. The mission concluded that “huts” that could serve baked goods, provide writing supplies and stamps, and provide a clothes-mending service, would serve the needs of US enlisted men.

Because of the difficulties of providing freshly-baked goods from huts established in abandoned buildings near to the front lines, two Salvation Army volunteers (Ensign Margaret Sheldon and Adjutant Helen Purviance) came up with the idea of providing doughnuts. These are reported to have been an “instant hit”, and “soon many soldiers were visiting Salvation Army huts”.

National Doughnut Day falls annually on the first Friday of June, so keep your eyes peeled next June for an abundance of police squad cars parked at or near your local Krispy Kreme or Dunkin' Donut shops.

Odds And Ends: Talk about your appropriate titles, today's Odd is American Idol runner-up, Adam Lambert. In an article in Rolling Stone Magazine, Lambert anounced that he was gay ( your kidding? ). Lambert went on to say that he was tempted to announce that he was gay but decided to wait on the Rolling Stone interview ( Damn, Adam, we'd have never known. You go girl! ).

Texas constable Richard McCain (no relation to Senator John) tasered a 72 year old great grandmother. Kathryn Winkfein apparently so frightened the law-enforcement officer when she "used some profanity" and "got violent" that he felt it necessary to subdue her with a potentially dangerous jolt of electricity.

Winkfein was reportedly doing 60 in a construction zone where the posted speed limit was 45 when she was pulled over. She was ticketed but declined to sign the ticket, leading the police officer to place her under arrest lest civilization collapse. The End ( as in Cat's Ass ) is brave officer MCCain, who obviously didn't have his morning cup of coffee and Dunkin Donut.

The brave officer Richard McCain at his finest hour. How he mustered the coverage to take the dangerous Kathryn Weinkein off the streets of Texas is beyond belief.

This Date In History: 1190; Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I, also known as Frederick Barbarossa, drowns while crossing a river in what is now Turkey on a crusade to the Holy Land. 1194; Fire destroys all but the west front of Chartres Cathedral, France; its reconstruction, which begins the same year, heralds the birth of the High Gothic style of architecture.

1793; The world’s first purpose-built public zoo, the Ménagerie du Jardin des Plantes, opens in Paris. 1829; Oxford win the first-ever University Boat Race against Cambridge.

1935; Two recovering alcoholics, Bill W. and Dr. Bob S., found Alcoholics Anonymous in Akron, Ohio, to help each other stay sober. 1942; The Czech town of Lidice is “liquidated” in reprisal for the assassination of the German deputy chief of the SS, Reinhard Heydrich.

Picture Of The Day: Doughnuts, what else? Of course they're pictures with the normal Jimmy's Journal slant, but I know you would expect nothing less.

Birthdays: Gustave Courbet, French painter 1819, Terrence Rattigan, playwright 1911, Saul Bellow, American novelist 1915, Judy Garland, American actor and singer 1922, Robert Maxwell, publisher and criminal 1923, Maurice Sendak, American writer and illustrator 1928.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I find it humanly impossible for a man who resembles a walrus to have "abs of steel" after twelve months, much less twelve weeks. 2) CNN has a new obsession, temporarily shelving Barack Obama as their god of worship. It seems every news anchor now has a Facebook, Twitter and My Space page. I guess that if you can't win new fans with slanted and biased reporting, you can at least be a friend. 3) Methinks that if you are so stupid and shallow as to text while driving, you deserve the consequences. Hopefully, you will be alone when you hit the tree. 4) I think there should be a way that you can assign numbers to all of your friends and family, whose sons and daughters now have sons and daughters, as well. In this manner, you can quickly look in your program, similar to a program at a football game, to see who in the hell "Little Larry" is and who he belongs to. 5) I wonder who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its ass."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

In the back woods of Kentucky, a farmer's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. The doctor said, "Whoa there, don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. The doctors said "Wait, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The farmer scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road, the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.

Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. The truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck and looked in his rear-view mirror, but didn't see anything.

He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road." The priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe

That's it for today my little cruellers. It's Hump Day and a trip to AREA 51 is the order of the day. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Homeland Security - I Hope The Alert Color Matches My Jacket

I was watching a news story on national security over the weekend and one of the things mentioned was that on Friday (June 5th), the threat level of the Homeland Security Advisory System was Yellow, or Elevated. For all domestic and international flights, the U.S. threat level was Orange, or High. In AREA 51, Jimmy's Local Security System was Green, or Where In Hell Are My Car Keys?

The recommended activities, according to the Homeland Security web site, is that all Americans should continue to be vigilant, take notice of their surroundings, and report suspicious items or activities to local authorities immediately. The recommended activities for misplaced car keys under Jimmy's Security System is to check the floor around my bar stool and if need be, frisk the lady I am talking with. Frisking the lady, however, comes with the caveat of either possible bodily harm to my person or the possibility of becoming engaged.

As to being vigilant, taking notice of my surroundings, and reporting suspicious items or activities, the only real difficulty in AREA 51 is taking notice of my surroundings because they seem to change with each additional glass of Johnny Walker Black.

In the case of threat level Orange, or Elevated, pilots immediately take the proper precautions as indicated below.

Older people, especially on Florida, are easily confused by the constant, changing of the threat alert colors. Many of the older men just use the color chart to select their pants color for the day as all the colors match white shoes. The elderly women use the charts as a guide for hair coloring.

Many of the older people blatantly reject the thought that terrorists will attack Florida. In a recent interview, Murray and Ethel Lipschitz declared that they are prepared to defend Miami Beach against any and all aggressors. Murray was recently fined for discharging a firearm in public when he fired off a salvo of rounds after mistakenly perceiving his wife's case of the walking farts as small arms fire.

Murray and Ethel Lipschitz at their regular post guarding the Lincoln Road Mall.

In airports, I am always vigilant and I do take notice of my surroundings. If the person in front of me has a beard, especially if it's a woman, I become suspicious. If the man in front of me has a name that contains three k's, four n's, two h's and when spoken sounds like a person gagging with smoker's cough, I'll be checking his shoes for fuses.

Although the man may think that this is discrimination, he's wrong....it's profiling and I'll do it every time in the name of self preservation. If this offends him, tough shit! This is America and he can wear a towel on his head any time he wishes, but my suggestion to him is to wear a John Deere hat on travel days!

This Date In History: 1924; Mountaineer George Mallory is last seen close to the summit of Mount Everest during his third attempt to become the first man to conquer the world's highest mountain. 1929; Margaret Bondfield becomes Britain’s first-ever female Cabinet minister, serving as Minister of Labour. 1949; George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four, a terrifying picture of life in a totalitarian state, is published. 1978; Naomi James arrives in Dartmouth, Devon, to complete the first female solo circumnavigation of the world.

Picture Of The Day: Homeland Security, a term constantly on everyone's mind, is brought to life in today's pictures. Of course, the American Indian has been preaching this cause since day one and it hasn't caught on yet.

I assume the government will just keep allowing anyone and everyone to continue to entering the country, either legally or illegally, until we all have to find a new place to seek refuge. What goes around eventually comes around.

Nevertheless, sometimes you have to just sit back and laugh so that you don't end up with an ulcer. That's the motive behind today's pictures and I hope you enjoy them.

Birthdays: Robert Schumann, German romantic composer 1810, Charles Reade, novelist and playwright 1814, John Everett Millais, painter 1829, Frank Lloyd Wright, American architect 1867, Suharto, Indonesian president 1921.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 2) I believe men who purchase scam male enhancement products should also purchase health insurance that covers a frontal lobotomy. 3) My father always had remote controls for his television set, namely Brother Kirt and myself. 4) One thing that really taught me the difference between democracy and communism was my Army basic training in Fort Polk, Louisiana. 5) I truly believe that Democratic analyst James Carville (above left) is the illegitimate son of the weird kid who played the banjo in the Burt Reynolds film, "Deliverance." I also believe that pseudo democratic analyst Roland Martin (above right) owes his CNN job to affirmative action.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations! Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy says, "No, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

Gertie Goldberg was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Myron. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Myron's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Gertie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

That's it for today my little windbreakers. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !