What Did You Say The Name Of That Is ?

Normally, I have many things on my mind to write about, especially on Mondays, but today's post was difficult. I can usually rely on past experiences and fantasies, although most of the fodder from fantasies can't be printed. Then, I heard a commercial about food and the descriptions used ignited an old pet peeve I have about literalism.

So, today, I will be adding more pictures than I normally do in an effort to enlighten my point. The use of words isn't all that tricky but under certain conditions, descriptions of things evoke a totally different picture in the mind's eye (a funny thought in it's own right).I have captioned two of the pictures so that you get the idea, but the rest is up to you my little thesaurians.

As a child, I was a meat and potatoes type and anything else was sickening to me. My parents, who were always concerned that I learn to eat all types of foods, usually invented attractive ways to describe food that I detested, even to the point of creating new names that they thought would attract my attention. Breaded cow meat and onions, for example, turned out to be liver and onions, a dish I wouldn't feed to a starving dog. The list goes on and on.....

With that in mind, today's pictures are there for your review comments. See if you can name them.

The News As I See It: Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we’re not sure how long either one is going to hold. With the well cap holding so far, Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan are now competing for the title of "biggest disaster."

For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4. Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It’s not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are rumored to be preparing to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can’t wait to start shooting, but that’s totally unrelated.

This Date In History: 1848; The first women's rights convention, called by Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia C. Mott, was held in Seneca Falls, New York. 1870; The Franco-Prussian war began. 1941; Winston Churchill was the first to use the two-finger "V is for Victory" sign.

1966; Fifty year-old singer Frank Sinatra married 21-year-old actress Mia Farrow. 1984; Geraldine Ferraro became the first woman nominated for the vice-presidency by a major political party. 1993; President Clinton announced the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding gays in the military.

Picture Of The Day: Today's picture of the day has to be the one shown below and I must tell you, the first time my mother told me that we were having this for dinner, my mind's eye came up with just about the same image. Suffice to say that I wasn't looking forward to that evening's dinner but as it turned out, I like it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 2) I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. 3) The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. 4) My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight?" I said, "At the first sight of what?" 5) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Samuel Colt, inventor 1814, Mary Ann Bickerdyke, nurse 1817, Edgar Degas, French painter and sculptor 1834.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" The drunk mumbles, "Yessh! Ssomebody sstole my car." The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" The drunk replies, "It wasss on the end of thisshh key."

About that time the cop looks down and sees the drunk's manhood hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, "Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's post.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

A man sees a drunk on the floor of a bar. He picks him up off the floor, and offers to take him home. On the way to the car, the drunk falls down three times. When they get to his house, the man helps him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, the drunk falls down three more times. The man rings the bell and the drunk's wife answers the door. The man says, "Here's your husband!" The drunk's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender, "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "This tastes like piss!" The old drunk replies, "It is piss, now guess how old I am."

A man staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol who seemed to be drunk. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the man to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

That's it for today my little whipper snappers. Remember, even when men are able to figure women out, they still can't believe it! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A Closed Mouth Gathers No Feet !

Mel Gibson has managed to shoot himself in the foot again. With the many leaked tapes now being played on the news, Gibson's future as an actor seems fairly dim. An obvious set up by ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, Gibson should have known better. Moreover, everyone has denied leaking the tapes to media rag Radar Online.

Sources say Gibson is looking into various rehab facilities, hoping the actor will consider checking himself in as early as Monday. Maybe he should call Lindsay Lohan, who has checked herself into a rehab facility owned by her new attorney, Robert Shapiro (of O.J. Simpson fame).

I wonder how far underneath the jail authorities would put the average person if they were to pull the stunts that Gibson and Lohan have pulled?

Well, well, well (pun intended). BP seemingly has plugged the Gulf oil leak. So far, so good. Hopefully, this is the first step toward sealing the Gulf oil leak and restoring the Gulf and the neighboring states. One thing we learned during this disaster is that BP, the U.S. government and Barack Obozo do not have a clue on how to react in an emergency. Shades of Georgie "Dubya" Bush and the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

Afraid of tresspassers, drug smugglers and coyotes in the southwest? You say the federal government won't enforce it's own laws? Well, fear not my little cactus blossoms, Bear Mountain Sports may have the possible solution to your fears. My cat, Possum S. Hemmingway says he has a cameo role in this video, but Possum is known to prevaricate on occasion. See for yourself...

Remember to mute the sound on my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: The White House announced that the stimulus package saved 3 million jobs. But they said there are still jobs that need to be saved — President Obozo’s, Joe O'Biden’s, Harry Reid’s, and Nancy Pelosi’s.

Apple is now admitting that customers are having reception problems with the new 4G iPhone. In fact, today Mel Gibson said, "That’s why I was screaming into the phone. I didn’t think she could hear me."

Before they capped the Gulf oil leak, BP had to test the integrity of the well. Which is the first time "BP" and "integrity" have been used in the same sentence.

Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television. It’s a new show called "Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, and Medicine."

At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. If I were him, I'd keep that a secret. You don't want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with a wife.

This Date In History: 1790; The District of Columbia was established as the seat of the United States government. 1918; Russia's Czar Nicholas II and his family were executed by the Bolsheviks. 1935; The first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City. 1945; The first atomic bomb was tested in Alamogordo, N.M.

1951; J. D. Salinger's novel Catcher in the Rye was published. 1969; Apollo 11 took off on the first manned flight to the moon. 1979; Saddam Hussein became president of Iraq. 1999; John F. Kennedy, Jr., his wife Carolyn Bessette, and her sister Lauren, died in a plane crash near Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.

Picture Of The Day: Mel Gibson has the titled honor today. Gibson's recent rants have given the photoshop people tons of fodder and they haven't had this much fun since Tiger Woods got caught with his putter out. Although Gibson's wife has obviously set him up, one would think that, after his last escapade with the law, Gibson would have enough sense to keep his mouth shut. One would think......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new study found that women have better memories than men. Also, a new study found that women have better memories than men. 2) If dogs ever take over the world and choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some pretty good ideas. 3) I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and pretend that I'm in a submarine that's been hit. 4) I find it amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always fits perfectly in the newspaper. 5) A bank just opened near me and has a sign that says "24 Hour Banking" but I don't have that much time.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Andrea del Sarto, painter 1486, Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot, painter 1796, Mary Baker Eddy, founder, Christian Science Church 1821, Ida B. Wells-Barnett, journalist, activist 1862, Roald Amundsen, Norwegian polar explorer 1872, "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, baseball player 1887, Trygve Lie, first secretary-general of the United Nations 1896, Ginger Rogers, Singer actress 1911, Pinchas Zukerman, violinist and conductor 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Lipschitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Goldberg says. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Lipschitz apartment and knocks on the door. Mrs. Lipschitz answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home. Mrs. Lipschitz replies, "He should drop dead!" Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a new baby boy. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the baby's parents invited Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "What a beautiful little baby. He has perfect little hands, perfect little feet and just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?" The mother said "why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, its a damn good thing because he sure couldn't wear glasses!"

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone what she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard. "My dad got me a dog," she said.

She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!!" That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book?" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Shit!"

Two 80-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!" Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

That's it for today my little tater tots. Remember, the trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour, but I'm sure I won't be there on time. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

There's A Liquor Leak In AREA 51 And I'm going To Go Cap It

There is a movement to build a mosque on the 9-11 ground zero site in New York. There is also many people who oppose the site. Building a mosque at ground zero would be like raising the U.S.S. Arizona from Pearl Harbor and erecting a monument to the Japanese pilots who bombed it. Certain things just shouldn't be done!

I'm a firm believer in freedom of religion and freedom of speech, yet it's against the law to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. All countries have their own memorial sites and these sites should be respected. If New York needs another mosque, then build it at another site.

BP is hopefully getting close to capping the well In the Gulf of Mexico. They are going very slowly now, hopefully on the side of caution and not inadequacy. We'll see what the 'morrow brings.

The News As I See It: The Vatican posted a financial loss for the third straight year in a row. In fact, to make ends meet, they’ve had to rob Peter to pay Paul.

The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S. Spanish people all over the world celebrated Spain’s first World Cup championship, except, of course, in Arizona.

On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a hip-hop rapper. Gibson was heard on an audio tape screaming obscenities at his girlfriend. Well there’s another success story for eHarmony.

Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban television for the first time in years. He condemned the United States, nuclear proliferation, and LeBron James.
The owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers was fined $100,000 for his angry rant against LeBron James. Mel Gibson was like, "You call that a rant?"

This Date In History: 1789; The storming and destruction of Bastille marked the beginning of the French Revolution. 1798; Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a crime to publish false, scandalous, or malicious writing about the U.S. government.

1881; Billy the Kid was shot by Sheriff Pat Garrett in New Mexico. 1921; In one of the most controversial cases in U.S. history, anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were convicted of two murders and sentenced to death. 1933; In Germany, all political parties except the Nazi party were outlawed.

1946; Dr. Spock's Common Sense Book of Baby & Child Care was published. 1958; A military coup overthrew the monarchy in Iraq, killing King Faisal II. General Abdul Karim Kassem becomes Iraq's leader.

Picture Of The Day: It was a fun day at the photoshop. Cuba frees many political prisoners and just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, Fidel Castro comes out of his political coma and takes a dump on the United States and Korea, claiming the U.S. sunk the South Korean warship.

If that's not enough, Mel Gibson is becoming more insane by the hour and Apple's new 4G I-phone won't work if you hold it in the wrong place. Duct tape was actually an answer on how to fix it. Uh, do I hear recall?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend spilled spot remover on his dog and the dog's gone now. 2) I dreamed that God sneezed and I didn't know what to say to him. 3) My first wife learned to drive three weeks after we got married. The following week, she learned how to aim it. One evening I came home and the car was in the dining room. I said, "How did you get the car in here?" She said, "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." 4) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. 5) When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.....and that's five !

Birthdays: James McNeill Whistler, painter 1834, Emmeline Pankhurst, woman suffragist 1858, Gertrude Bell, traveler, author, and government official 1868, Woody Guthrie, American folk singer, guitarist, and composer 1912, Gerald R. Ford, former president 1913, Ingmar Bergman, director 1918, Maulana Karenga, scholar 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her eccentric behavior, and some of them even joined in the fun.

One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched and said, firmly, "Stop! Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile. He said, "Ok", and off she went again.

Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. He said, "Stop! Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beermat, which she presented for inspection. Whereupon she was sent on her way once more.

Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. He was stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand. Ethel, "Oh hell, not the breathalyzer again!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." The second bat said, "We're new here, it's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" The second bat answers, "Yes." The first bat replies, "Well, I didn't."

A small boy was at a large shopping mall and became separated from his grandfather. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

A little boy and a little girl were friends and attended the same school. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it." He asked, "Why?" She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" He said, "Let me see." She said, "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

The boy kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. I'm starting to get feathers down there too! " She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, It's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

That's it for today my little milk duds. Remember, even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. That said, I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour but I won't just sit there. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

I Hate Mondays !

No matter what I do, most Mondays always seem to be a pain in the ass. I think the main reason I dislike Mondays is that even if I feel like going out, most of the good bars are empty and close early. I count on Monday Night Football to clean the funk out of the air for part of the year but since it's not football season, that ally is non-existent.

Maybe Mondays are just there to provide the final touch on the end of the weekend, somewhat akin to the idea that death is life's way of telling you to slow down. One of the only positive things about Mondays is that blondes finally laugh at the jokes I told them at happy hour on Friday night.

Nevertheless, the good thing about this Monday is that it's just about over and I've completed the first part of the the necessary steps to get to Friday.

Thousands of nudists may have set a new Guinness Book world record over the weekend with a massive skinny dip. 122 resorts across the country hosted skinny dippers this weekend. Last year, nearly 14,000 people took the plunge. Did they actually set a new record? Guinness won't confirm the new record for a few weeks.

I wasn't aware that people were trying to break a record. I did, however, make a couple of offers to go skinny dipping this weekend. The only problem that I have with nudists is that the majority of them are people I really don't care to see naked. It's a good thought, though.....

Congratulations to Spain in winning the World Cup. Although I really don't care too much for the sport, I was happy that Spain won because I have quite a few friends that are either from Spain or trace their heritage from there. Congratulations to Paul the Octopus, a resident at Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany, who correctly picked eight out of eight World Cup winners, including Spain.

The News As I See It: Last week was has been quite a week —100-degree temperatures, earthquakes, oil spills, and yet, we’re still having a better week than Mel Gibson.

Joe O'Biden is different from Dick Cheney. In the Georgie "Dubya" Bush years, the president would say things and the vice president would have a heart attack. Now, the vice president says something and Obozo has a heart attack.

British Petroleum said that, in a perfect world, they could stop the Gulf oil leak within a month. Actually, in a perfect world, British Petroleum wouldn't exist.

This Date In History: 1543; England's King Henry VIII married his sixth and last wife, Catherine Parr. 1690; Protestant William of Orange defeated Roman Catholic James II at the Battle of the Boyne in Ireland. 1862; Congress authorized the Medal of Honor. 1960; The first Etch-A-Sketch went on sale.

1979; Kiribati, formerly the Gilbert Islands, gained its independence from the United Kingdom. 1984; Democratic presidential nominee Walter Mondale became the first major-party candidate to choose a woman as a running mate when he announced his choice of Geraldine Ferraro.

Picture Of The Day: I have always liked Garfield, if for nothing more than the fact that he hates Mondays, as well. As you may notice, the photoshop gang is having a ball with Obozo. I just add a little commentary.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually. 2) I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 3) I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 4) When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 5) I've always wondered why bra is singular and panties are plural.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Josiah Wedgwood, potter 1730, Henry David Thoreau, American author and naturalist 1817, George Eastman, inventor, industrialist 1854, Amedeo Modigliani, painter 1884, Oscar Hammerstein, lyricist 1895, Pablo Neruda, poet, diplomat 1904, Andrew Wyeth, painter 1917, Bill Cosby, comedian 1937, Kristi Yamaguchi, figure skater 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little old lady slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo yyou huhave ddilldos?" The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies, "Yes, we do have dildos. We carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"

The old woman then asks, "Dddooo yyou ccarry a ppink one, ten inches llong and rruns on buhbuhbatteries? The clerk responds, "Yes, we do." The old ladys says, "Dddoo yyou knooww hhhow ttoo tturn tthe ddamn tthing off?"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

The fifth surgeon observes, "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no spine and the head and ass are interchangeable."

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip.

She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Amazed and petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "No! This is the manager of the skating rink!"

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to a woman and not being able to remember her name, how I met her, or why she's handcuffed to me.

That's it for today my little hush puppies. Remember, if sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Since The Price Of Stamps Is Going Up, Let's Use A Picture Of An Ex-President !

The post office is asking for a rate increase and although they always seem to be losing money, I'm ok with the increase. I'd hate to see the U.S. Mail as I know it to be replaced. It has been suggested that a private company could do a better job but I'm tired of watching private companies take over some government offices and jobs only to strip it, financially rape it and move on.

On a lighter note, how would I receive my valuable junk mail and flyers? Imagine the discomfort of many bird and other pet owners if they had nothing to line the cages with. Who's going to retrain the letter carriers on how to stuff four pounds of mail into my very tiny mailbox?

On the other hand, will the new letter carriers take the time to know their customers and kindly deliver special boxes and mail directly to your front door? I support my local letter carrier and I support the U.S. Mail. If President Obozo and can't control BP or stop the gulf oil disaster, I certainly don't want him screwing with my mail.

The News As I See It: Lindsay Lohan is going to jail. I think it's a good idea! Some of these little ass-wipes who've been lucky enough to become popular and make huge amounts of money seem to have total disregard for the law. I really believe they think they're above the law. We'll see what song she sings after 90 days in the pokie with those big mean women who just adore young girls.

The U.S. government is saying that Arizona’s immigration law is unconstitutional. Legally, there’s only two entities that can determine who can come and work in this country, and that’s Home Depot and WalMart. The new immigration law was supposed to go into effect already, but it was delayed. They would have had to cancel next week’s all-star baseball game.

Vice President Joe O'Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq. It was a surprise for O'Biden because he thought he was going to Des Moines for a fundraiser.

This Date In History: 1816; Argentina formally declared independence from Spain. 1850; Zachary Taylor, the 12th president of the U.S., died after only 16 months in office. 1872; The doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Me. 1896; William Jennings Bryan delivered his "cross of gold" speech at the Democratic National Convention.

1900; The British Parliament proclaimed that as of Jan. 1, 1901, the six Australian colonies would be united at the Commonwealth of Australia. 1974; Former U.S. chief justice Earl Warren died in Washington, DC. 1997; Boxer Mike Tyson was temporarily banned from boxing for biting Evander Holyfield's ear. 2002; Baseball's All-Star Game ended in a tie after 11 innings. Both sides had run out of pitchers.

Picture Of The Day: The nomination of picture of the day comes from my subconscious and my teen years when I had begun tp appreciate women but did not appreciate broccoli. As an adult, I find broccoli to be a very special dish and I prepare it several different ways.

Although the picture contains no broccoli, the trees reminded me of the vegetable. It dawned on me that this picture would be a great tool to induce teenage boys to eat their broccoli. I mean, a sexy woman in a beautiful picture and the slight hint of broccoli in the background? What more could a kid ask for?

In other news, Jail time for Lindsay Lohan? Lebron's going to the Miami Heat and a democratic idea for the new, more expensive postage stamp.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. 2) To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. 3) Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? 4) If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant is there K9P on the outside? 5) When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Ann Radcliffe, novelist 1764, Elias Howe, inventor 1819, Nikola Tesla, electrical engineer, inventor 1856, Dorothy Thompson, journalist 1893, Donald H. Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense 1932, David Hockney, artist 1937, Tom Hanks, actor 1956.

This Just In: Satellite picture of the Gulf oil spill.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active: 1) Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 2) Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass. 3) Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn." 4) Not only do you hear the bed squeaking but also joints. 5) Granny found cuffed to her walker. 6) Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies. 7) Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for "doggy style 8) Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. Grandma said, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.

Granny said, "Oh, no, my dear, many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

Breaking News: They're changing Wonder Woman's costume so I thought I'd enter my choice for the new costume.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning a blonde called her friend and said, "Please come over and help me. I bought this killer jigsaw puzzle, but I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to help her out. The blonde has the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then says, "First, no matter what I do, I cannot show you how to assemble these to look like that picture of a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Two women, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

A man was shopping for stereo equipment and after finding something he liked, the salesman said, "I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash." The man, unable to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day. That evening, the fellow asked his blonde female friend, "If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

That's it for today my little foxes. Remember, everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. I'm not too sure about AREA 51 tonight. I stayed out way too late Wednesday night. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !