Have You Ever Wondered.....?

I find that life is sometimes nothing more than a series of unanswered questions. For example, If I happen to crack corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about me? What are those heads about on Easter Island? If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make the sound? Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies?

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder, how does a shepherd count his sheep without falling asleep? Is it legal for your parrot to testify against you in court? Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost over night. Did Brylcreem possibly lie to us years ago when they said a little dab will do you? What do people in China call their good plates?

You see, it's not always politics, the economy or being politically correct. Sometimes more pressing questions surface and leave you wondering, do married people live longer than single ones or does it just seem longer? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets and what would Geronimo have shouted if he ever jumped from an airplane? 

Yes, my little peanut butter cups, sometimes we're just left wondering if fat people go skinny dipping or do they just chunky dunk?

The News As I See It: It looks like designer Ralph Lauren is trying to calm the controversy over the fact that those Olympic uniforms they produced were made in China. He now says the uniforms they make for the 2014 winter Olympics will be made right here in the USA using our own good old fashioned illegal immigrants.

Mitt Romney is close to announcing his running mate. Apparently Romney wants a female with a strong stage presence and the free time to campaign, so I'm guessing Steven Tyler.

During the recent USA-Brazil basketball game, Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. Then, everyone was like, "quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!"

The big news in Washington is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He's completely disappeared. People think he's either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN.

According to a new report, the average Canadian is now richer than the average American. This is bad news for Americans and worse news for those Mexicans who now have to tunnel all the way to Canada.

Katie Holmes' car was hit by a garbage truck. Cops are looking for the driver of the truck who is believed to be Tom Cruise. They weren't positive because they couldn’t see him over the steering wheel.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is like 18 years old and he has a beautiful girlfriend....a stunning, lovely girlfriend. They met through the North Korean dating service Match.commie.

A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under Obama while the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president.

Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

Fifty Shades of Grey, the popular book, has caused more hysteria among middle-aged women than an Ann Taylor clearance sale.

This Date In History: 64; A great fire began that ultimately destroyed most of Rome. The emperor Nero blamed it on Christians and began the first Roman persecution of them. 1925; The first volume of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was published. 1936; The Spanish Civil War began.

1947; President Harry S. Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act. 1976; 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci earned the first perfect score, a ten, at the Olympics and went on to score six more tens and win three gold medals. 1999; New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history.

Picture Of The Day: Easter Island Statues have bodies. Who knew? The Stone Statues in Easter Island have bodies! This is absolutely incredible. Here we've been thinking for all these years that they were just heads. What really blows my mind is that nobody thought to dig around them before.

They are going to be absolutely huge when they are completely excavated. It all just adds to the mystery of these amazing sculptures. Maybe now they can get more information about them seeing as they have writings on them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 2) They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. 3) How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo!" 4) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 5) Teach your child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto the expressway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 18th: You can test yourself today by attempting to abstain from gratuitous sex. Wednesday will be a good day for you this month, but which Wednesday in particular is up to you. Of course you realize that your chance of romance is 01.83 percent if you decide to abstain. Then again, Tuesdays are usually a pretty good day.

Birthdays: My father, James Sr - Happy Birthday Dad! 1911, Robert Hooke, physicist, mathematician, and inventor 1635, William Thackeray, novelist 1811, Jessamyn West, novelist 1902, S. I. Hayakawa, scholar, former U.S. Senator 1906, John Glenn, astronaut 1921, Dick Button, figure skater 1929, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, poet 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus.....so shut up."

One morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied "I am, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him."

The woman said, "You're right sir I think I will report him." The old man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Regina and Wally for their contributions to today's stories/

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obamacare. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the asshole(s) in Washington.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

That's it for today, my little hula hoops. Remember, a liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Whatcha Doin'? Nuthin'!

Have you ever had one of those days where your goal for the day was to do absolutely nothing? And that's what you did.....nothing? Well, my little fur balls, that's exactly what I accomplished today......nothing. It wasn't a contrived plan, it just sort of came to pass.

I woke up to drizzling rain and occasional distant thunder. That, in and of itself, makes me sleepy. Drizzling rain also stirs up other emotions but I digress.

Oddly enough, most of the things that I had planned for today were accomplished between the hours of 3 to 5 am, that part of the night when nature inevitably calls and I can't go back to sleep. So, after assessing the situation, I decided that intermittent naps throughout the day would be the perfect way to spend a drizzly Monday......

The News As I See It: In an interview with CBS, Obama said the biggest mistake of his first term was not telling a story to give Americans a sense of unity. In response, Americans were like, "Yeah, and fixing the economy would’ve been cool too."

Russia is now planning to finally bury former Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin. His body has been on display since 1924, which breaks the old record held by Cher.

California is so broke that San Francisco has a cover charge and two-drink minimum to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge

Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white. Evidently, Romney isn't very popular among Black voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among Black voters than Mitt Romney.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota say that because of the recession, women are jumping into bed with guys faster. They say women are having sex with men after just one drink, all because of the recession. Finally, we are beginning to see the try benefits of the Obama economic plan

Quicken Loans claims to have invented a new product that they refer to as a "Yortgage." It's basically a mortgage where you can choose the number of years you want to apply for. Without referring to their claim as an out-and-out, boldface lie, I can assure you that this option has been around since mortgages were created and is nothing more than a ruse.

Not to continue to beat a dead horse, but take the time this week to count the number of television ads (I counted 15 over the weekend) from the newest scam on the block "Super Beta Prostate" represented by the newest ad whore, Joe Theisman. Theisman has a good chance to become the "Ad Prostitute Of The Year", a position currently held by Coach Jimmy "The Dickhead" Johnson representing Extenze.

This Date In History: 1790; The District of Columbia was established as the seat of the United States government. 1918; Russia's Czar Nicholas II and his family were executed by the Bolsheviks.

1935; The first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City. 1945; The first atomic bomb was tested in Alamogordo, New Mexico. 1951; J. D. Salinger's novel Catcher in the Rye was published.

1969; Apollo 11 took off on the first manned flight to the moon. 1979; Saddam Hussein became president of Iraq. 1999; John F. Kennedy, Jr., his wife Carolyn Bessette, and her sister Lauren, died in a plane crash near Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.

Picture Of The Day: I'm not saying I condone it, but ya gotta admit it could be useful......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 2) By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. 3) To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. 4) I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. 5) My girlfriend has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst, so I went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 16th: Without ruining your fun, today you will be like a shopping bag and life is one big supermarket. Now that you're fully engrossed in that analogy, I want you to think of me as the store announcer......"Clean up in aisle 12". Chance of romance is 31.67 percent unless you are able to get out of "Aisle 12" before they discover who caused the mess.

Birthdays: My pals Juan Carlos, Mimi and Pam - Happy Birthday all! 19XX, Andrea del Sarto, painter 1486, Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot, painter 1796, Mary Baker Eddy, founder, Christian Science Church 1821, Ida B. Wells-Barnett, journalist, activist 1862, Roald Amundsen Norwegian, polar explorer 1872, "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, baseball player 1887, Trygve Lie, first secretary-general of the United Nations 1896, Ginger Rogers, singer, actress 1911, Pinchas Zukerman, violinist and conductor 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.

John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed an older guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face.

John noticed that the old guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The old guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The old guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball an amazing 330 yards into the air. As it hit for the first time, it took an amazingly strong downhill bounce, rolling another 100 yards straight towards the pin and fell into the hole. It was a 430 yard hole-in-one! 

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

His wife answers, "Yeah, he's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." The husband replies, "That's amazing. I wouldn't think he could celebrate that long."

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

An old farmer appeared at the door. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." The farmer replied, "Suit yourself, the hens are around the back."

That's it for today, my little junebugs. Remember, some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I Can't Find My Hockey Mask And Machete

Friday the thirteenth has never really bothered me too much although I must admit I don't take any unnecessary chances. For example, on Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper.

I'm not saying to stay at home and curl up under the bed, but I'm also not advocating that you walk in front of a Mack truck to test the theory either. To me, it's the little things to keep an eye on this evening.

For example, I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman wearing a black hat tonight. It also occurs to me to avoid hanging out with any of my friends who might be named Jason.

No, for the most part, I'm not superstitious but I don't push my luck, either. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: At a democratic fund raiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney's economic policies were "George Bush on steroids".....as opposed to Obama's policies, which are "Jimmy Carter on Ambien."

The All Star baseball game was played in Kansas City. Baseball used to be the national pastime before it was replaced by doing the Kardashians.

Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. I have no idea why. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR. The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo.

The New Orleans Saints have offered quarterback Drew Brees a five-year, $100 million contract. Hell, that's even a better deal that Katie Holmes made with Tom Cruise.

A hotel in England is bringing in Kindles to replace Bibles on the nightstands. Of course, then they'll be bringing in more Bibles to replace all those stolen Kindles.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, who seems to have a penchant for western ways, has a new girlfriend. Her name is Kim Jong Kardashi-un.

There's talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves the "American Idol" judges panel, they're going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable.

This Date In History: 1793; French revolutionary Jean Paul Marat was stabbed to death in his bath by royalist sympathizer Charlotte Corday. 1863; The draft riots, protesting unfair conscription in the Civil War, began in New York City.

1865; P. T. Barnum's American Museum, which had featured Tom Thumb and the original Siamese twins Chang and Eng, was destroyed by fire. 1930; The first World Cup soccer competition began in Montevideo, Uruguay.

1943; The Battle of Kursk, the largest tank battle in history—involving some 6,000 tanks, 2,000,000 troops, and 4,000 aircraft—ended in German defeat. 1977; A 25-hour blackout hit New York City, engendering widespread rioting and looting. 2003; Iraq's interim governing council was inaugurated.

Picture Of The Day: The dependency on some form of federal assistance continues to grow.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. 2) Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight is cheaper, less crowded and has a better view. 3) Some friends once asked me about the secret of keeping a marriage together. I told them that when I was married, I took the time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She went on Wednesdays and I went on Fridays. 4) It's bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on Friday 5) If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 13th: I'm not superstitious, but don't press your luck if you decide to go out on the town tonight. To be sure, don't trust your date if they're late because they were sharpening their machete. Chance of romance is nil. This is not a night to be naked.

Birthdays: Nathan Bedford Forrest, general 1821, Isaac Babel, writer 1894, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, novelist, essayist, and political activist 1934, Patrick Stewart, director 1940, Harrison Ford, actor 1942, Cameron Crowe, director, screenwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner. It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. The doctor said, "Just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while.

Homer came back to the doctor's office. The Doc asked, "What's wrong? Didn't my idea work?" Homer said, "Oh, it worked real good. Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come running. We'd find a secluded place, make love and then she'd go back home again."

The doctor said, "That's good, Homer. So what's the problem?" Homer replied,  "I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

A man was at work one day when he noticed that his co-worker was wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

The co-worker replies, "It's no big deal, it's an earring." The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" The co-worker answers, "Ever since my wife found it in my car."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. The driver replies,  "Fred." The officer asks, "Fred what?" The man responds, "Just Fred."

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. He says, "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name."

Fred continued, "The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

Fred said, "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Fred went on, "Well, the ADA found out about the VD and they took away my DDS, so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling.....so now I'm just Fred."

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

A man and his wife were at home watching TV. He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

That's it for today, my little daffodils. Remember, in an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Free Ice Cream

I find it interesting that 120 days before the presidential election, Obama comes up with a new plan to raise taxes on people earning more than $250,000 annually, while extending the Bush tax cuts for an additional year for people earning less than $250,000 (read: everyone else).

By the same token, I find it interesting that, at election time, Obama will now allow some Latin citizens the chance to remain in this country, especially when he promised a comprehensive immigration program in his first year in office in his 2008 campaign of lies and rhetoric.

Firstly, the total revenue that will be generated from the proposed tax targets will be enough to run the federal economy for 8 and 1/2 days. Secondly, by extending the Bush tax cuts for an additional year, he will satisfy the short sighted people whose votes he aims to garner.

So, what is his real intent? He will satisfy people who are economically unaware of the total revenues to be generated. His intent is to promise "free ice cream" to every unknowing voter in America (much like his broken 2008 campaign promises), which will hopefully lead to his re-election. Should he be re-elected, he will then become a lame duck president and will not renew the bush tax cuts after the proposed one year extension. That extension was solely a vote buying tactic.

Obama is an egotist whose total aim is raising his status. He was and is woefully unprepared for the presidency and is only concerned about his legacy. He has failed miserably. He promised the deficit would be cut in half by the end of his first term. He promised to close Guantanamo. He promised to allow five days of public comment before signing bills. He promised to introduce a comprehensive immigration bill in the first year. I could go on......

Unfortunately, one of his supposed accomplishments is untrue. He is not the first black president of the United States. He is the first mixed race president of the United States (his mother was white).

For those who care, I didn't like Bush and I don't like Obama. The unfortunate thing about the leaders of our nation is that the smartest people go into business and make money. The leftovers become politicians.

The celebrity reverse mortgage scam: I'm unsure what the newest deal is with celebrities hawking reverse mortgages, but everyone and his uncle seems to be on board. Wayne Rogers from "M*A*S*H", Fred Thomson of "Law and Order" and even the "Fonz", Henry Winkler are now schilling these products.

I'm figuring that either they really need the money or it's just another scam from mortgage bankers to rip us off. Either way they haven't stooped to whoring like Joe Theisman (Super Beta Prostate) and Jimmy "the dickhead" Johnson (Extenze).

The News As I See It: A record-breaking heat wave has been hitting the entire country. It was so hot yesterday, I was sweating like Obama trying to spin the latest unemployment numbers. It was so hot, Eric Holder was smuggling water pistols. It was so hot, Mexicans were crossing the border on Slip 'n' Slides.

The White House is telling Americans not to "read too much" into Friday’s bad jobs report or as Americans put it, "You had me at ‘don’t read too much.'"

Mitt Romney is now promising conservatives that if he is elected, he will put Anderson Cooper back in the closet.

Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, "Whew, good thing I already live with my parents."

A high school in Indiana is requiring every student to buy an iPad instead of using textbooks. That’s no big deal. In China they require every student to make an iPad instead of using textbooks.

Over the weekend, a man in Massachusetts was chased by a great white shark while he was kayaking for the first time.....or as he’s now calling it, "kayaking for the last time."

Monday was O.J. Simpson's birthday. O.J. celebrated his birthday with some friends in prison and they had a nice little party for him. Out of habit, after he cut the cake he hid the knife.

Congratulations to Courtney Kardashian, who has a brand-new baby girl. I was worried that there was going to be a shortage of Kardashians. Thank the lord for basketball players.

Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else’s marriage.

This Date In History: 1533; Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII. 1804; Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.

1864; Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital. 1914; Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.

1977; Martin Luther King, Jr., was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights. 1989; Actor Laurence Olivier died. 1995; The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.

2011; The News of the World, a British newspaper owned by , closes after several allegations that the paper's journalists hacked into voicemail accounts belonging to not only a 13-year-old murder victim, but also the relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: The city of San Bernadino now becomes the third California city in one month to file for bankruptcy. How long is it going to take for the United States government to realize you can't spend money you do not have? California will become the first state to declare bankruptcy if they don't take immediate, drastic measures to cut spending (a point I have brought up many times in the past). 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. 2) A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 3) Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that." 4) I have a very rare photograph of Houdini locking his keys in his car. 5) A woman once told me that her philosophy about life was that if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 11th: Hump day brings some good fortune for you as today's efforts will result in some well needed income. As a side note, don't blow it all on emotional or unnecessary things. You can, however, make a small investment with that particular person behind the bar that you've been eyeballing. Chance of romance is 46.12 percent.           

Birthdays: My sweet pal Ally - Happy Birthday sweetheart 19XX, Robert the Bruce, Scottish King 1274, Thomas Bowdler, editor 1754, John Quincy Adams, sixth president  of the United States 1767, E. B. White, writer 1899, Yul Brynner, actor 1920.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "I think I'd pet him first."

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

When Jesus died and went up to Heaven, the first thing he did was to look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looked like. He looked high and low but could not find him.

He asked St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter said he didn't know. He asked the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel didn't know. He asked John the Baptist, "Where is my father?" But John did not know.

So he wandered Heaven, impatiently searching for years. One day, he saw out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man was very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus yelled, "Who are you?" The old man said,"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son."

Jesus was very curious. Could this be his father? Jesus said, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man said, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." Jesus screams, "Father!!" The old man yelled, "Pinocchio!!"

That's it for today, my little fireflies. Remember, always be an optimist.....at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral. I'm thinking  AREA 51 would be a great place to hang out tonight. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Gentleman Racer Bobby Coyle

South Florida stock car racer and all around gentleman Bobby Coyle passed away last weekend after a long battle with cancer. Bobby was an accomplished racer and hard charger yet, yet never bullied his way around the track on his way to many victories.

I first met Bobby in the early sixties when none of us were old enough to get into the racing pits. Most of us got to the tracks by either bicycle or shoe leather. They were racing modified 1932-1934 coupes and sedans back in those days.

Oddly enough, I never hung around much with Bobby, yet we'd see each other every weekend and shoot the bull about racing stories. In those days, there must have 50-75 kids in the group and each had their own personal cliques and friends.

Weekend auto racing and I parted ways in the late 1970s though I followed my friends via television and new reports. I recall one evening getting nostalgic and went to Hialeah Speedway to see some of my old friends and one of the first faces I saw  was Bobby Coyle. It had been ten years yet we recognized each other immediately.

I'll always remember Bobby's smiling face and the gentleman that he was. God bless you Bobby and rest in peace!

The News As I See It: Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. That means even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

In Arizona, the police can consider you suspicious if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an illegal alien?

This Date In History: 1816; Argentina formally declared independence from Spain. 1850; Zachary Taylor, the 12th president of the U.S., died after only 16 months in office. 1872; The doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maine.

1896; William Jennings Bryan delivered his "cross of gold" speech at the Democratic National Convention. 1900; The British Parliament proclaimed that as of Jan. 1, 1901, the six Australian colonies would be united at the Commonwealth of Australia.

1974; Former U.S. chief justice Earl Warren died in Washington, DC. 1997; Boxer Mike Tyson was temporarily banned from boxing for biting Evander Holyfield's ear. 2002; Baseball's All-Star Game ended in a tie after 11 innings. Both sides had run out of pitchers.

Picture Of The Day: Th

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society (Mark Twain). This does not apply to women (Jimmy Sullivan).  2) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  3) Ladies, don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to be eating French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 5) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 9th: Just because it's Monday doesn't mean your day won't go well. By the same token, the lottery is not written for you in the stars either. Just tak the bird in the hand and forget about the two in the bush. Chance of romance is 17.35 percent anyway.

Birthdays: Ann Radcliffe, novelist 1764, Elias Howe, inventor 1819, Nikola Tesla electrical engineer, inventor 1856, Dorothy Thompson, journalist 1893, Donald H. Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense 1932, David Hockney, artist 1937, Tom Hanks, actor 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young woman walked into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess you sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest said,"Squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest answered, "No, but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read....."And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

That's it for today, my little rose petals. Remember, regular naps prevent old age - especially if you take them while driving. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !