The Reason That Sharks Don't Attack Attorneys Is Professional Courtesy !

Late night television is a great way to find an attorney. At this time of the night, anyone who is awake probably needs an attorney. They're on every channel and there's many to choose from. A typical commercial usually begins with a very extinguished (pun intended) older gentleman standing in front of twelve million law books. Your first reaction is that a man with so many law books has to be smart. Then, the man says, "Hello. I'm Marvin Goldberg. Are you between the ages of zero and one hundred and fifty?" I thought. "Wow, I'm quaified."

Marvin continues, "Have you been in a store and slipped, fallen down, shoplifted, passed gas or otherwise suffered? Have you been involved in an accident, incident, precedent or Efferdent?"

"Do you suffer from pain, fatigue, ague, flatulence, diarrhea, pigeon toes, crows feet, pigs feet, rabbits feet, knock knees, weak knees, trenchmouth or buyer's remorse? Does your chewing gum lose it's flavor on the bedpost overnight?"

"If you suffer from any of these problems or maladies you may be due money. The firm of Goldberg, Greenberg, Iceberg, Pittsburgh, Lipschitz, Weiner, Cheetem, Fleecem and Screwem can help you. We have over three and one third years experience handling these types of cases, with the exception of Lipschitz, who gave up a lucrative practice representing Wall Street brokers until their recent demise."

"For a free consultation that is absolutely useless, will tell you absolutely nothing, but will allow us to discover if we've got a sure thing, please call 1-800 Up Yours."

It's Hump Day and a fine reason to mosey over to AREA 51 and see my pals. I'm torn between going this evening or going there tomorrow evening because I understand that there's a lady performing there on Thursdays. Word has it that she sings, as well. Maybe I'll just go both days. We'll see.

This Date In History 1520, Ferdinand Magellan sails from the Atlantic Ocean into the treacherous passage to the Pacific Ocean that is now named after him, the Strait of Magellan. 1805, The Royal Navy, led by Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, defeats a combined French and Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar, ensuring British domination of the seas for more than a century. 1879, Thomas Edison successfully tests the first electric light bulb.

1096, Peter the Hermit, apostle of the First Crusade, is absent when his Crusade is destroyed by the Ottoman Turks shortly after it leaves Constantinople for Asia Minor. 1878, The Land League, a political organization important in the history of Irish nationalism, is founded in Dublin with Charles Parnell as its first president. 1858, The light opera, Orpheus in the Underworld, by Jacques Offenbach, famous for its Cancan dancing, premiers in Paris.

Picture Of The Day Word is that all the news magazines are getting a little bit freaky with their undercover reporting. I'm not too sure how much of it is valid, but I'm one hundred percent sure that it amuses me.

Birthdays: Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist, inventor, and philanthropist 1833, Sir Georg Solti, Hungarian-British conductor and pianist 1912, Dizzy Gillespie, American jazz trumpeter 1917, Malcolm Arnold, composer, trumpeter, and conductor 1921, Ursula Le Guin, American science-fiction writer 1929.
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The Hits Just Keep On Coming

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. The doctor says, "Yes, your dog is dead." The Lady asks, "How much do I owe you?" The doctors says, "$345" The woman yells, "$345!!? For what?" The doctors says, "$45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" The man said, "There's something wrong with my penis." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." The man says, "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you."

The receptionist said, "We do not use language like that here. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" The man says, "There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" The man says, "I can't piss out of it."

That's it for today my little peanut clusters. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !