When You're Talking About Cut-Backs, Leave My Stuff Alone !

Ok, I understand that the national budget needs to be trimmed, especially with the anointed one posed to spend up to one trillion dollars for such things as contraceptives and other unintelligent plans. I also understand that businesses and corporations are trying to downsize and co-operate in streamlining their operations in order to survive.

There are, however, certain areas which should be left alone. Are we going to make a compact space shuttle? How about the police? Put them all on bicycles and give them slingshots? Chocolates, ice cream, and potato chips, for example, should not be downsized or reduced in number. As it is when you buy a bag of potato chips, half the damned bag is air anyway. If they reduce them any more it'll be down to one chip and a bag full of aroma.

They're talking about making cutbacks at NASCAR races, which I enjoy following. What are the going to do...race compact cars? Or worse, electric cars? What are we going to do if there's cutbacks in the airforce? No, there's just some things that you have to leave alone.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award had only one nominee which was made by my pal, Garnett. He nominated Marcelino de Jesus Martinez, 36 who was arrested for arranging for his 14-year-old daughter to marry a neighbor in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat. This nomination is a no-brainer and receives the CAT Award. Martinez is a living example of why idiots should not be allowed to procreate.

This Date In History: 1788; The First Fleet sales into Sydney Harbour—commemorated as Australia Day. 1885; The forces of the Mahdi finally take Khartoum after a prolonged siege. General Gordon is killed in the attack. 1905; The world's largest diamond is found near Pretoria, South Africa. 1950; India formally becomes a republic, three years after gaining independence from Great Britain.

Picture Of The Day: Downsizing is a way to reduce costs and keep a business afloat, but there's a line that should be drawn when it cones to somethings. I mean, how in the hell am I supposed to perform when they shorten the neck on my guitar? What's next, a piano keyboard with 44 keys? Are they going to replace the harmonica with a kazoo?

Birthdays: Douglas MacArthur, general 1880, Stephane Grappelli, French jazz violinist 1908, Paul Newman, American actor, businessman, and philanthropist, who won an Academy Award for his role in The Color of Money 1925, Nicolae Ceaušescu, Romanian president 1918, Jacqueline du Pré, British cellist 1945.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding.

Suddenly, a cop, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?" The cop said, "67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone! That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?" Bob replied, "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop said, "What did you say, boy?" Bob said, "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house and stretch it apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?" The old man replies, Yes, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together and we were probably naked as jaybirds." The old woman snickers, "Should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. The old woman say, "You know, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The old man replies, I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

That's it for today my little scrambled eggs. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !