Who Hired This Dummy?

I keep hearing the phrase, "I can't find a job." For most people, that's a good question. The average person prepares a resume, dresses appropriately and applies where applications for work are being accepted. In today's economy, it's a very difficult task to find a decent job, but a least most people go prepared. Most people.....

Then there are the people who just don't get it. They are usually the ones who can't seem to find or hold on to a job. My guess is that the first thing they would need, aside from a high school diploma and the ability to conjugate verbs, is a mirror. The trick is to be like the wily chameleon and adjust to you surroundings...at least when it's convenient.

There are some jobs today that have seemingly been filled by idiots and I'm going to tell you about two such positions where anyone with an IQ over 40 can work. One job is in the customer service department at Comcast. How do I know that, you might ask? I spent two hours yesterday attempting to have my Internet and cable service restored yesterday and almost every person I talked to was borderline illiterate.

Each time I called, I had to run the incessant gamut of computer prompted voice recorded questions, only to end up with a rep who said, "Let me "axe" you one thing. Is your television set turned on?" Me:"Uh....yeah, that's how I know MY CABLE ISN'T WORKING ! " Service rep: "Let me transfer you to the service department".....there is a brief silence and the line is disconnected. This went on for an hour, each time re-running the recorded questions gamut to end up with another village idiot. After two hours of this, I finally got a "supervisor" who apologized for the problems and restored my service.

My next call was to Humana, who handles my health insurance. Same situation...run the recorded questions gamut only to encounter another series of idiots. Each rep tried to rewrite my current policy (they work on commission). I attempted to explain that I didn't need new coverage and that I just wanted to amend my current coverage.

One rep in particular, after a five minute interview in which she was bent and determined to rewrite my policy said, "Well, if you don't resolve your problem and you want to make a new application my name is Quiniella Williams and I appreciate it if you "axe" for me." Sure thing, lady! I'm thinking...Quiniella, that's a two dollar bet at the local parimutuel dog and horse tracks. What imaginative parents! I bet I know where herr mother was when she found out she was pregnant." I wanted to ask her if her brother was named "Daily Double", but I didn't.

There are plenty of people that could and should be removed from the customer representative department and assigned to the warehouse. Take the case of the woman who ordered a cake from the local grocery store and explained what she wanted written on the cake. Her instructions were to write: "Best wishes Suzanne" Underneath that: "We Will Miss You." This is how the cake turned out.

Doesn't that just take the cake?

This Date In History: 1807; Britain abolishes the African slave trade with the Abolition of the Slave Trade Act. 1957; The Treaty of Rome is signed, providing for the establishment of the European Economic Community (EEC), or Common Market. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia is assassinated by a nephew; he is succeeded by his half brother, Prince Khalid ibn Abdul.

Picture Of The Day: Appearance is 90% of everything and especially important when looking for a job. While a lot of people want their own distinct look, there are times when the art of being a chameleon is more appropriate and even more rewarding. If you are not aware of this art, then perhaps you didn't follow the presidential election. Say what the people want to hear and wear what you think they want see and chances are, you'll get the job.

Nevertheless, there are still those who want their own distinct look and will probably miss the bus of life most every time. Sadly, when these people finally catch on, it's too late or they're way behind the eight ball.

Birthdays: Joachim Murat, marshal of France and king of Naples 1767, Béla Bartók, Hungarian composer 1881, Flannery O'Connor, American writer 1925, Aretha Franklin, American singer 1942, Elton John, singer-songwriter 1947.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat, Shithead, is worried about the economy because Meow Mix is up 99 cents a bag. That's almost $7.00 in cat money. 2) I called one of my lady friends last night and beside the fact that did I not remember why I called her, I couldn't remember her name either. Pretty smooth, eh? 3) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 4) In the past, I once worked in a blanket factory, but it folded. 5) I have never dated a woman whose name begins with Q or X, but I'm willing to give it a try.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher who says, "Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?" Tommy says, "Well Ma'am, my Grandad got burnt." The teacher said, "Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?" Tommy replied, "Yes Ma'am, he was. They don't mess around at those crematoriums!"

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child held the lantern and the mother pushed. After a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The child said, "Hit him again, he shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" The boy replied, "Eight." The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? The boy says. "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

That's it for today my little french fries. I'm off to AREA 51 and I'll have more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !