Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady

In the world of men and women, men do not have the same luxuries that women have. For one thing, women have the advantage of using makeup, high heels and various undergarments to enhance themselves. I suppose that men could use these things as well, and I've seen some prissy ones that do, but for the most part, with man, what you see is what you get. The bottom line with men is that once you have judged a man on a scale from one to ten, chances are he won't get any uglier.

Women, on the other hand, have two faces.....with makeup and without makeup. One of my favorite things is encountering beautiful women at social events or nightclubs and enjoying their company. They go through a hell of a lot of trouble to make themselves lovely and exciting. Therein lies the problem, especially for younger men.

Should man be fortunate enough to meet a women and, for some reason, she decides to takes things to the next level, a certain state of confusion will certainly follow. You see, when a woman decides she's ready to spend the night with a man, the man needs to be prepared to meet the other woman......sooner or later.

One evening, years ago, I went home with the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. The next morning, I was awakened by the sound of someone singing in my shower. Since I am not a morning person, especially after an evening with my spiritual advisor, Johnnie Walker Black, it took me a few minutes to put two and two together.

The shower and the singing abated and about five minutes later, a rather plain, short, small breasted little woman who I had never seen in my life came out of my bathroom. I'm thinking, "What the hell? Maybe the girl I was with last night brought her girlfriend home as well. Hell, I don't know... I consumed enough scotch last night that I don't have any idea as to who came home with me."

She came to my bedside, leaned over and kissed me. She said, "Let's go have breakfast. I'll be ready in a minute." She went back into the bathroom and I went to the bar and poured myself a scotch. I figured I'd make the best of it with "plain Jane" but I certainly needed a scotch to complete the task.

I was sitting in my easy chair, sipping my second scotch, when I heard the bathroom door open. As I turned around, a tall, breathtakingly exquisite woman strolled toward me and said, "Are you ready to go?" I found myself looking at her breasts and quickly averted my eyes.

I got up and went to the kitchen to get my keys and sunglasses, trying to make small talk as I tried to figure out how that "miracle" occurred. I wasn't sure where that plain little woman went, but I certainly wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

That was my first real lesson about what a slinky dress, a push-up bra, high heels and the use of makeup can do for a woman. How that woman made the transition I'll never know. As we were leaving for breakfast, though, I did stop to look in the bathroom to see if that short, plain, small breasted girl was hiding in there, but..........

Free Coffee: McDonald’s is offering one free 7-ounce iced mocha or 8-ounce hot mocha every Monday from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. until August 3. No coupon needed, but the offer is at "participating locations" only.

This Date In History: 1694; The Bank of England is founded by Parliament with capital of £1.2 million to fund the siege of Namur in the Spanish Netherlands. William Pateson is appointed the first governor. 1866; An operation organized by American financier Cyrus West Field completes the first Atlantic cable allowing regular telegraph communication between the United States and Europe.

1921; In search of a treatment for diabetes, Canadian physiologists Sir Frederick Banting and Charles Best are the first to isolate the hormone insulin. 1940; Bugs Bunny makes his film debut in the Warner Brothers cartoon, "A Wild Hare," directed by Tex Avery.1953; The United Nations, North Korea, and China sign an armistice agreement ending the Korean War and creating a demilitarized buffer zone between North and South Korea. South Korea refuses to sign the accord.

Picture Of The Day: Women......they come in a delightful array of shapes and sizes, virtually incomparable to any other living species. As to their minds, only the supreme being who took a rib from man for their creation really knows. Sometimes I think if God did that with just one rib, I wonder what would have come to pass if he had taken more?

It's probably a good thing that he only took a rib because if he had taken more, methinks men would have ended up being the ones to go through periods, childbirth, menopause and osteoporosis.

You'd think there would have been thousands of selections of beautiful graphics on the Internet, but, oddly enough, it was rather difficult to find any shots that interested me.

Birthdays: It's not until tomorrow, but Happy Birthday to my pal from Texas, Paula 19XX, Charlotte Corday, French patriot and assassin 1768, Alexandre Dumas fils, playwright and novelist 1824, Giosuè Carducci, poet 1835, Hilaire Belloc, writer 1870, Ernst von Dohnányi, composer and pianist 1877, Jack Higgins (Harry Patterson), English novelist 1929.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that Pringles were originally supposed to manufacture tennis balls. Then, one day, they were accidentally delivered a truckload of potatoes and they thought...what the hell... 2) I saw a couple having dinner one evening and the man stood up and said, "I want to make a birthday toast the best woman a man ever had." Two guys at the bar and the waiter agreed and joined him. 3) I was having a brief conversation with a young guy with a college degree in Liberal Arts. He interrupted me to ask, "Do you want fries with that?" 4) Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 5) I'm having a lot of fun recording some of my favorite songs with my new music program. So, watch out, I've been emailing some of my recordings to some of my pals (whether they wanted them or not).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

My friend went to see his psychiatrist last week and told him that he keeps thinking about suicide. The psychiatrist told him that from then on he would have to pay in advance.

Three men were playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old bearded man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus. All three approach the edge of the pond.

Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole. Next up, Jesus walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole.

The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says," I hate it when your father plays!"

That's it for today my little chicken wings. Remember that being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !