"I Enjoy Fine Dining, Long Romatic Walks On The Beach And....."

There are several dating services on the Internet and I'm sure they have their uses. I've never used a dating service, but I've read a few profiles and yesterday, I began to realize how funny some of them are. I'm not saying that all of the statements aren't true, but let's just say that, as in fishing trips, some of the fish seem to grow in size as the story is told.

The profile begins with the specifics: age, race, eye color, hair color, height, weight and, of course, the picture. This is normally where the...., let's call them, "adjustments" begin.

Age is usually a variable and depending on who one is looking for depends upon the choice of age. Hair color is unreliable because, as we know, "only the hair dresser knows." Height and weight are often "fudged" a bit and usually relatively predictable by the choice of description. The words "husky" or "buxom" come to mind.

Of course the mental picture that a man perceives is much like the sexy young woman in front of the mirror, but unfortunately, his match will probably look more like Rosie O'Donnell.

The picture is where the fun begins. Photographs, in and of themselves, can make one look much better than in person, depending on the photographer. Add the now popular "photoshop" and one's appearance can be greatly enhanced. Obviously, sooner or later the couple will have to meet face to face and then, the proof is in the proverbial pudding. The vision of the woman in the black sexy lingerie is quickly replaced by the vision of Rosie.

Ah, but now we get down to the nitty gritty and written words in a profile are tested. Here one learns that the phrase "long romantic walks on the beach" is defined by her as strolling arm and arm with one's intended paramour, where his is defined as carrying a rod and reel, tackle box and fresh bait on the way to the pier. Fine dining might mean a dimly lit romantic dinner or going through the drive through at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

One's status also enters into the equation. Recently widowed is ofttimes used. The best bet there would be to ascertain how many times the person was widowed and the causes of death. Separated is a highly suspect term, as well. To women, it means that the man is in a process of getting a divorce. To a man, it could mean his wife is in Chicago and he's in L.A. on a business trip.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT Award): My pal, Senorita, mentioned in her comment on Friday the she missed seeing the CAT Award. I realized that I have been remiss in not periodically including it in my entries. So, let's think about some nominees and we'll accept nominations until Thursday, September the 3rd and the winner(s) will be announced next Friday.

This Date In History: 1850; Composer and pianist Franz Liszt conducts the premiere of Richard Wagner's opera Lohengrin in Weimar, Germany. 1914; In the Battle of Helgoland Bight, the first naval engagement of World War I, the Royal Navy inflicts a significant defeat on the German navy.

1947; The great Spanish bullfighter, Manolete, is killed in the ring following a goring by a bull in Linares. 1963; Civil Rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. leads the historic March on Washington, where he delivers his famous “I Have a Dream” speech.

Picture Of The Day: Barbie's 50 years old now and even the most sexiest woman has to face "Father Time" sooner or later. This is also true of the most virulent male and Barbie's boyfriend Ken is in the other room in his underwear, drinking a beer, and watching Monday Night Football.

Birthdays: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet, dramatist, novelist, and scientist 1749, St Elizabeth Ann Seton, American educator and philanthropist 1774, Edward Burne-Jones, painter, designer, and illustrator 1833, John Betjeman, poet 1906 Rita Dove, American poet and novelist 1952.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can't believe that CNN, in another "breaking news story" announced again today that Michael Jackson's death has been ruled a homicide. 2) My friend told his girlfriend the truth. He told her he was seeing a psychiatrist. She told him the truth. She said she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender 3) One of my rules of life is to keep skunks, politicians and lawyers at a distance. 4) You know the economy is really bad when you have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment. 5) A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The staff wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some staff members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the staff members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Breaking News: Jimmy's Journal, through unnamed private sources, has learned that Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson are not dead! They are living together in a trailer in New Orleans.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor, my pal Garnett and my pals Espi and Cesar for their contributions to today's stories.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. The lady said, "I'm on the 7th hole she and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'' She replied, "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh." 'The man said, "No, I won't." She answered, "Well, if you must know, I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool. She said, "See,' I knew you'd laugh!'' The man said, "That's not what I'm laughing at. I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'' The man said, I see. Whose clock is that?'' St. Peter said, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.''

The man said, "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.''

The man then asked, "Where's President Obama 's clock?" St. Peter said, "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

That's it for today my little whipper snappers. Remember to refrain from talking to characters on the movie screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. I'm going to meet my pal Hector in AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !