I Should Have Known Better !

I went grocery shopping yesterday, not because I wanted to, but as an exercise in self preservation. I should have known better and and I shouldn't have waited until my choice for breakfast was between a peanut butter sandwich and popcorn. I actually like grocery shopping and, socially, it's always fun for me as I aways seem to meet interesting women there. Grocery shopping and watching the ladies..., I mean, what more could you ask for? But shopping on a Sunday? There are a few drawbacks.....

After looking for a parking spot in the very crowded lot, I ended up parking in that far away special parking area normally associated with a city in Egypt. When I finally got to the store, I went in and grabbed a cart. I didn't get thirty feet until I realized that my cart, which I chose with great care, had that one wheel which never wants to cooperate with the other three and constantly pulls to the right. Then and there, I should have realized that the wheel was a foreboding omen for the rest of my shopping trip.

I always dress nicely when I go shopping. The main reason is because every time I've tried to sneak in quickly for a quick purchase, looking like Nick Nolte's mug shot, I always run into someone I know, usually a woman. I can just hear the gossip, now, "I saw Jimmy the other day in Publix and he looked like a homeless person....."

It's even funnier to me when I see someone trying the same trick and see the look of horror on their face when I spot them. Me: "Hi Maria, how are you?" Maria: "Ay Jimmy, que pena! I'm so embarrassed, I didn't think I'd see anyone I know...." Me: "Hey, Baby, you always look great......."

I have my own mental picture of who should be riding in shopping carts but unfortunately, my visions and reality are not always in agreement. As I turned the first corner into the crowded aisle, reality soon obliterated any hopes and visions that I had in mind. Instead, before me was the bane of all shoppers. A woman, pushing an overloaded, oversized race car buggy with a child of five or six riding as a passenger. Naturally, she was trailed by the rest of her litter who were grabbing every package in sight while the mother continually asked them not to touch anything.

I quickly passed the gaggle and, with a sigh of relief, turned into the next aisle. It was then that I remembered how the notorious Bermuda Triangle Law of the supermarket works. That is: People going in opposite directions in the same aisle will meet again in the next aisle, forever and ever, until you die.

Passing the Goober family for the second time and not having birth control pills to offer her nor a hand grenade to lessen her load, I opted to skip the next two aisles in order not to purposely create a hit and run accident. I finished getting the rest of the items I need without incident and headed for the checkout line.

The checkout line is always a test of patience, beginning with the idiots who know they are going grocery shopping and do not make out their check (sans amount) in advance. Naturally, you would also think they would have all of their neatly bundled coupons to give to the cashier (cashier: an obscure term once defined as the person who enters the prices into the cash register keyboard and has a general knowledge of mathematics).

In my line, which was the shortest, the woman had not made out her check and began rifling through all of her belongings to find her coupons. Once this feat was accomplished, she then excuse herself for a "minute" to retrieve additional items that had slipped her theoretical "mind." Watching my ice cream melt and my milk begin to curdle, the she finally returned to continue with her checkout. I, in turn, casually move my melted ice cream and curdled milk in with her order as a parting gift.

Another thing that bothers me is that there's always that certain bag boy that feels the need to comment on my purchases. As he puts away my 12 pack of Budweiser and large bag of Ruffles, he comments " Looks like somebody's on a health kick." To which I reply. "Yeah, and it looks like there's a grown man bagging groceries for a living."

Then I get home and although I enjoy cooking, sometimes a tv dinner hits the spot. Lately though, the instructions on the damned tv dinner are getting too complicated. "Put the dinner into the microwave and cook on medium for four minutes. Then, remove the dinner, peel back the cover and stir the potatos. Put the dinner back into the microwave and cook on high for an additional four minutes or until fully cooked."

Hey, all I know about the microwave is that you put the food in, turn it on, then wait the allotted time for completion. Where in hell is the medium button and why do I have to stir the damned potatos anyway? They should have stirred the potatos before they put them in!

The bottom line? My shopping's done and I sat down with my Budweiser and my large bag of ruffles and watched the Atlanta Falcons pummel the Miami Dolphins. I'll be fine until the next time when I again realize that the only option for breakfast is either a peanut butter sandwich or popcorn. Oh yeah, and the wise ass bag boy-man will still be bagging groceries......

Odds and Ends: Sadly, police have found a body believed to be the missing Yale student, Annie Le. The body was discovered inside the wall of the building where she disappeared. Authorities are treating the case as a homicide.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award: I would like to nominate the very ignorant Kanye West for the CAT Award for his rude interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech after winning her first MTV Award for Best Female Video. Kanye jumped onstage, grabbed the mike from the country singer's hands and did what he does best, which is to act like the asshole he is. He said, "Yo Taylor, I'm really happy for you, I'm a [sic] let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time." The remarks appropriately touched off a loud chorus of boos. Swift had beat Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' for the award.

According to an MTV source, Kanye is getting booted from the show for his actions. Later on in the show, "Single Ladies" was named Best Video of the Year (beating Kanye West), and when Beyonce accepted the award, she gallantly called Taylor on stage to allow her to finish her acceptance speech. As for Kanye West, once a thug, always a thug. He should stick to what he was born to do....robbing liquor stores!

This Date In History: 1741; Composer George Frideric Handel completes his Messiah after 23 consecutive days of work. 1752; Britain shifts from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar. The change requires the calendar to make a one-time leap from September 2 to September 14. 1901; William McKinley, 25th president of the United States, dies eight days after being shot by an anarchist, Leon Czolgosz.

1911; Pyotr Stolypin, conservative prime minister of Russia, is shot dead by a revolutionary, Dmitry Bogrov, during an opera performance in Kiev. 1939; After many years of experimentation, Russian-born aircraft designer Igor Sikorsky flies his first successful helicopter, the VS-300. 1982; Princess Grace of Monaco, formerly American film actress Grace Kelly, dies of injuries she received in an automobile accident the previous day.

Picture Of The Day: The picture of the day really has nothing to do with today's subject matter other than that he looks a little like the kid I saw riding in the oversized racing car buggy at the grocery store. I just thought it was a cute picture and added it in.

Birthdays: My Pal, Julie....Happy Birthday Jules! Stop by Julia's New Journal and wish her a Happy Birthday 19XX, Alexander von Humboldt, German naturalist and explorer 1769, Lord Cecil, British statesman and Nobel laureate 1864, Charles Dana Gibson, American illustrator 1867, Jan Masaryk, Czechoslovak statesman 1886, Renzo Piano, Italian architect 1937.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What is the deal about beds? Every day I see commercials about beds and testimonials about sleeping. Hey, if you can't go to sleep in any bed, you're not tired (or inebriated for that matter). 2) Who is Barry Soetoro and how did he become president? 3) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 4) Serena Williams' embarrassing tirade and threats to the line judge in the U.S. Open Tennis championship will cost her $10,000. Kudos to Serena for bringing back the John McEnroe style of tennis etiquette and sportsmanship. 5) Florida Senator Mel Martinez, the only Hispanic Republican in the Senate, officially stepped down. The Republican senator who replaced Martinez thanked him and then had him deported.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A week after their marriage, the newlyweds from Louisiana paid a visit to their doctor. The husband said, "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried. My testicles are turning purple." The doctor said, "That's pretty unusual, let me examine you." The doctor takes a look and, sure enough, the man's testicles were purple.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" His wife replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" His wife said, "Grape."

Ma and Pa were living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young Mr. Jones down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college graduate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. Jones, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." Mr. Jones tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Boom! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. Boom! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Wham! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

That's it for today my little cracker jacks. Remember, make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !