"Think With Your Dipstick, Jimmy !"

What...? I was in the kitchen and I heard someone say, "You're thinking with your dipstick, Jimmy." I thought, "Lord, I must be having a stroke and my youth is passing before my eyes." Either that or someone believes those nasty rumors that were spread when I was a younger man. As Yankee baseball great Yogi Berra once said, "it's like de javu all over again."

As it turned out, the phrase is part of a commercial for Castrol Edge, a motor oil. The dipstick is the instrument that measures the oil level of the engine. Double entendre notwithstanding, I had to laugh because of all the names they could have chosen, "Jimmy" was their choice. The name "Michael" has been the number one chosen name for newborn males for years, yet they chose the name, "Jimmy." There oughta be a law....

In the interim and continuing with the thought, it dawned on me that "Jimmy" may occasionally think with his dipstick, but there are others, evidently without a dipstick, who could benefit by this line of reasoning. Witness the blonde who went to the auto parts store....

A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car." The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?" The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!"

Perplexed, the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs. The blonde drew a circle and wrote the number 710 on the inside of the circle. The parts man looked at the drawing, smiled, and slowly turned the number upside down. It read "OIL"

At least two times last week, I heard prominent news anchors make off the cuff remarks about one's intestinal fortitude describing same as the Spanish word, "Cajones", (pronounced kah-hoe-nees). One of the primary laws in attempting to use foul language in an idiom that you are not fluent in is to at least understand the meaning, use, pronunciation and....., oh yeah, the spelling.

Cajones are literally "drawers," id est (that is) as in desk or dresser drawers. It also means "boxes." The word they were attempting to use is "cojones", (pronounced koh-hoe-nees), a crude term used to describe courage but literally meaning testicles ("balls", for the hard of understanding). So, in essence, what the learned news anchors said was, "He has a big set of (dresser) drawers" or "He has a big set of boxes."

Prez Obama is going to Copenhagen to personally woo the vote of the International Olympic Committee to hold the 2016 Olympics in the city of Chicago. Right !... that's all we need to enhance the world's view of America. Yeah, hold it in Chicago, the most crime ridden and scandalous city in the United States. That will give the thugs enough time to make the necessary preparations for mugging, robbing and killing the many unsuspecting Olympic visitors.

This Date In History: 1066; The Norman conquest of England begins, as an army led by William the Conqueror lands at Pevensey, England. William will be crowned king of England by the year's end. 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo became the first European to set foot on what is now California. Cabrillo chose not to stay in California citing the fact that there were just too many Mexicans. 1864; The First International, a revolutionary workers' group, meets for the first time in London, with political theorist Karl Marx in attendance.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Caterpallor is defined as the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 2) People are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to management is knowing which mules are which. 3) Ladies, the next time Bozo says, "So, ya wanna go back to my place?", tell him, "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

4) If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. 5) I don't see why everyone's upset about Gadhafi living in a tent. After residents complained, he had to dismantle the tent he had in New York. Say what you want about Gadhafi, but I sure wish my ex-mother-in-law would have stayed in a tent on the front lawn when she came to visit.....and that's five !

Picture Of The Day: Word has it that not everyone thinks with their dipstick as witnessed by this billboard. The thinking could be a bit more refined however if they motel location was only $10 in gas away in distance. Remember, motel spelled backwards is "Letom."

Birthdays: Friedrich Engels, German revolutionary political economist and co-founder, with Karl Marx, of scientific socialism, now known as Communism 1820, Frances Willard, reformer 1839, Georges Clemenceau, French politician 1842, Stephen Spender, poet 1909, Marcello Mastroianni, film actor 1923, Brigitte Bardot, film actor 1934.

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?'' Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, ''The doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy. The farmer said, "Oh, shit! You've shot the wife!"

A woman wanted a face lift and her surgeon told her about a new procedure, "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." The woman says, "That sounds good." Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes." The surgeon replies, I'm sorry, but those aren't bags. Those are your tits." The woman says, "Well, that explains the goatee."

The Center for Disease Control has warned that although the Swine Flu is prevalent, the Bird Flu is rampant as well. Symptoms of Bird Flu are: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

That's it for today my little bottle caps. Remember, Intaxicaton is defined as euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !