Back In The Day - An Assortment Of Photographs

I've been going through all of my old pictures in an attempt to scan them into my computer before they crumble and disintegrate. Like most people who save pictures, mine usually sit in an album neatly tucked away in the closet. That is, of course, until I can trap someone into a corner and show them my album.

Everyone has their own rhyme or reason why they save pictures and I'm sure that every picture they save has a special place in their hearts or they would have discarded them. Unfortunately, most people don't want to look at your old pictures of Aunt Ethel or Grandfather James, unless they were naked.

Nevertheless, I'm posting some pictures today of "the good old days" before body parts began to fail or fall off. It's a hodgepodge array of different times when I was younger and the fun times I had. A few of them are of my fishing trips in the Florida Everglades with my Mom and Dad and other old fishing pals. The others are of those days at Disney World with Brother Kirt and family, when all the kids were young and the adults had the patience and ability to stand in those endless, beerless lines.

The News As I See It: The White House said they are working even harder now to try to find Osama bin Laden. In fact, they’ve put his picture on the side of cartons of goat’s milk. President Obozo met with the heads of all 16 intelligence agencies try to correct the intelligence failures surrounding the Christmas day bombing attempt. Unfortunately, two of the agencies were late and the CIA locked their keys in the car.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is under fire for discussing whether or not President Obama has a "Negro dialect." Reid is also in trouble for saying Joe Lieberman "talks all Moses-y." Reid spent most of the day on the phone apologizing to prominent Black leaders. Later, at a press conference, he said, "I hope this doesn't leave a black mark on my record." That may explain why Reid is the majority leader and not the minority leader.

NBC has it's share of woes as it tries to decide what to do with Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno. In the interim, it will use some pilots to fill the 10 p.m. time slot. They are talking about bringing back "All in the Family," with Harry Reid as Archie Bunker. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian asshole who ignited his underwear in a failed attempt to blow up a jet landing in Detroit, plead not guilty to six federal charges, while his testicles pled guilty in absentia.

And finally, Tiger Woods has not been seen since Thanksgiving. He's so hard to find, people are speculating that he may be working in customer service at Home Depot.

This Date In History: 1898; French writer Emile Zola published his "J'Accuse" letter, accusing the French of a cover-up in the Alfred Dreyfus treason case. 1941; Novelist James Joyce died in Zurich. 1990; Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the first elected Black governor in the United States.

1999; Michael Jordan announced his second retirement from the NBA. He would "unretire" again in 2001. 2002; After 17,162 performances, The Fantasticks ended its almost 42-year off-Broadway run. 2004; Joseph Darby, a U.S. soldier at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison, reported U.S. abuses of Iraqi prisoners to the Army's Criminal Investigations Division..

Picture Of The Day: One of the old pictures that I found was taken by a client who I stopped to see in my brand new Chevrolet Monte Carlo. There are more of these old pictures on my Facebook site if you are a glutton for punishment. You can access the site by clicking the Facebook logo on my sidebar.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Archaeologists in Egypt now say it’s not true that the pyramids were built by slaves. They say the pyramids were built by paid workers. You know how they financed it? A pyramid scheme 2) I have yet to figure out why someone believes you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet. 3) Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. 4) My cat, Possum, is one of the few who I amaze on a daily basis. 5) I wonder who was the first person to think one day, "I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of that chicken's ass.".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jan van Goyen, landscape painter 1596, Salmon P. Chase, public official and jurist 1808, Horatio Alger, American writer 1832, Elmer Davis, radio commentator 1890, Gwen Verdon, dancer, actor 1925, Charles Nelson Reilly, actor, theater director 1931, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress 1961, Patrick Dempsey, actor 1966, Orlando Bloom, actor 1977.
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The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?'' Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, ''Murray, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." The man said, "I will not change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will never go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. I`m telling you, you will have to change your name, or I will not be able to represent you." The man said, "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed.

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win the nationals easily. The coach decides to have a meeting with each athlete before the nationals to discuss strategy.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." The coach says, "What? How far down does it go?" Penelope replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She bumps into the resident golf pro.

The pro says, "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." The golf pro says, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"

A woman goes to a surgeon to get rid of her wrinkles. He tells her there is a new invention called "the knob" that gets installed in the back of the head. Any time you get more wrinkles, just turn the knob to tighten up the skin. She has it installed and everything is great for a year.

Then one day she comes back to the surgeon and complains about the bags under her eyes. He says "Let me take a look." The surgeon looks and says,"Those aren't bags, those are your boobs!" The woman replies. "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

That's it for today my little carrier pigeons. Remember, if you lived in your car, you'd be home by now. As soon as I finish defrosting my testicles, I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !