A Great Saturday Night At The Billiards Club With Nicole, Kathy And Maylen

Saturday night, I saw three of my favorite ladies at The Billiards Club in Miami Lakes. In a chance meeting, I walked into the club and, lo and behold, there sat Nicole, Kathy and Maylen, three lovely ladies who I've known for a number of years and charter members of AREA 51. Kathy had her camera with her and took a few pictures of the group.

I had originally decided to go to another AREA 51 bar, Lakes Cafe, with one of my pals just to relax and listen to the music. When we got there, only a few cars were parked outside. Since we weren't on any particular mission, we decided to go inside anyway. Outside a man stopped us and announced that there was a $10 cover charge because they had a live band. Right! We're going to pay a cover charge to listen to a band play to five customers....uh, adios!

We headed over to The Billiards Club and when I saw the girls there, I was ecstatic. We had not hung out as a group for years and it was a great reunion. Our original haunting grounds was Delaney Street in Miami Lakes and we used to spend many evenings sitting in AREA 51, laughing, dancing and singing Karaoke. Although I hang out with Nicole regularly, I had not seen Kathy for months and it had been years since I've enjoyed Maylen's company.

Saturday night, the girls looked great (as always) and it was a very special evening for me to sit and enjoy their company. It turned out to be a fun evening and although I got home around 3 am, I still beat the paperboy to the front door.

The News As I See It: Congratulations to the United States Olympic Team who now lead the competition with 24 medals (7 gold), followed by Germany with 20 medals (7 gold) and and Norway with 13 medals (5 gold).

This Date In History: 1371; Robert II succeeded to the throne of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty. 1819; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1879; Frank Winfield Woolworth opened his first "Five Cent Store" in Utica, New York. 1924; Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential radio broadcast from the White House.

1935; Airplanes were no longer permitted to fly over the White House. 1980; In a major upset, the U.S. Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviets 4–3 at Lake Placid, N.Y.

Picture Of The Day: Saturday night at The Billiards Club and some of the pictures of the girls and I, many mango seasons ago, at Delaney Street. All of the above pictures were taken last Saturday night. The picture of Kathy and I (left) and the following pics below of (first) Kathy, Maylen and I and (second) Nicole and I, were taken somewhere in the 1990's.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2) Geez if you believe in honkus. 3) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 4) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 5) People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.....and that's five !

Birthdays: George Washington, First American President 1732, Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 1788, James Russell Lowell, poet, critic, and editor 1819, Edna St. Vincent Millay, poet 1892, Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator 1932, Jonathan Demme, director, producer, screenwriter 1944, Julius Erving, basketball player 1950, Drew Barrymore, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Ma and Pa were living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa found that the hole under the outhouse was full. He went into the house and told Ma that he didn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young man down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college graduate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College graduate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." The young man tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

Boom! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading shit all over the farm. Wham! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?" As she pulls up her panties, she says, "Yeah, but it's a good thing I didn't fart in the kitchen."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollars out, "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nothing wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it." Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, "There ain't nothing wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nothing wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now, take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" Ma replies "Hurt's, don't it?!

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together for an emergency meeting and says, "I must tell you all something of great importance. We have a case of gonorrhea!" A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am so tired of Zinfandel!"

That's it for today my little tinkertoys. Remember, the best things in life are free, but unfortunately that's not the way the law sees it. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !