Easter Week - Preparing For The Sunday Sermon

Preparation for Easter Sunday services always began earlier than usual when I was young, mainly because my Mom wanted everyone to look especially nice. Personally, I didn't care too much for getting up earlier than usual but my opinion was overruled by Mom.

Looking back, I think that Mom wanted to get to church early to see what the other mothers and their children were wearing and to socialize with her friends. We children, on the other hand, were more interested in getting back home as quickly as possible to have the Easter Egg hunt and munch on the goodies in our Easter baskets.

The church services were the hardest part of the day for we kids mainly because we were too young to understand the meaning and significance of the ceremonies and subsequent sermon. I always enjoyed the part of the services which involved singing but the dreaded sermon was the hardest part. The only amusement I had was watching my father nodding off to sleep and the subsequent elbow by my mother.

There were other distractions that kept me amused at church. I recall telling my younger brother Kirt to take a dollar out of the offering plate when it passed us. I told him that kids were allowed to do so if they needed any money. I thought it was funny when he actually did it but my mother was not amused. Kirt received a thwack on the ear and when he told Mom that I told him to do it, I got one as well.

One of the things I remember the most about the sermon was the hardness of the church pews. Being thin and restless, sitting on those hard pews was uncomfortable. I had to continually change positions which sometimes brought an occasional "sit still" pinch from my mother and a whispering admonishment as well. My only (you'll excuse the expression) salvation was when Dad began to snore which took the spotlight away from me.

The funniest thing I remember about Easter Sundays was that people who had not seen the inside of the church since the previous Easter were present and all decked out in their Easter finery. I guess the luckiest part of the Easter services for the once a year visitors was that the preacher didn't say anything about their lack of attendance and the roof didn't cave in on them......

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods and Jesse James (Sandra Bullock's cheating husband) both went to sex rehab saying they were "addicted to sex." That's the grown-up version of "A dog ate my homework." The Jesse James story keeps getting worse. Now, his fifth mistress says she’s planning to go public. I guess Tiger Woods is feeling the heat of competition. He just announced that he’s quitting golf again so he can concentrate on his affairs.

President Obozo is canceling the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids will be on the White House lawn drilling for oil. Obozo is opening up to drilling along the Florida coast. Environmentalists say that it’s a protected habitat. Not for marine life, but for Cuban rafters. Obozo issued a proclamation declaring Cesar Chavez Day. So, besides Easter, this week has both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. One holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, and the other celebrates the flight of the Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles.

Iran's top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA, and he has frightening information. He says Iran was just weeks away from developing their own Toyota Prius. Because it's Easter, Catholic priests have been hearing confession all week — mostly from other Catholic priests.

This Date In History: 1513; Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon landed in Florida. 1792; Congress authorized the first U.S. mint, in Philadelphia. 1865; Confederate president Jefferson Davis and most of his cabinet fled the Confederate capital of Richmond, Va. 1870; Victoria Claflin Woodhull announced her candidacy for president of the United States.

1917; President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany. 1932; Charles Lindbergh paid a $50,000 ransom for the return of his kidnapped son. 1982; Argentina seized the Falkland Islands from Britain. 2005; Pope John Paul II died.

Picture Of The Day: Easter is this Sunday and today's pictures continue (for the most part) with that theme. It was difficult to choose between the many good pictures on the Internet and I hope that you enjoy my selections.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?" 2) The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 3) If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. 4) Baseball season starts next week and President Obozo is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Joe Biden will also be on hand to make the first error. 5) It's going to be a laid back weekend and I think I'll just hang out with my Peeps.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Hans Christian Andersen, writer 1805, Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi, sculptor of Statue of Liberty 1834, Émile Zola, novelist 1840, Max Ernst, painter 1891, Alec Guinness, actor 1914, Georgie Anne Geyer, foreign correspondent 1935, Marvin Gaye, singer, songwriter 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. The brain said, "I should be in charge because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." The blood said, "I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

The stomach said, "I should be in charge because I process food and give all of you energy." The legs said, "I should be in charge because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." The eyes said, "I should be in charge because I allow the body to see where it goes." The rectum said, "I should be in charge because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, the asshole is usually in charge (How's that hopey-changey thing workin' out for ya?).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three guys of questionable intelligence died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first man, "What is Easter?" The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

St. Peter replies, "Wrong!", and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "What is Easter?" The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter shakes his head in disgust and says, "also wrong!"

St. Peter looks at the third man and asks, "What is Easter?" The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye and says, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross."

St. Peter smiled and said, "Go in." The third man continued, "He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. The man explained, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows so he borrowed the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggested that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returned to see if the vet helped. The farmer looked very pleased and said, "The bull serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows." The banker said, "Wow, what did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer replied, "Just gave him some pills." The banker said, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don’t know but they sort of taste like peppermint."

That's it for today my little Easter Bunnies. Remember, the best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Have a great weekend and a Happy Easter. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !