She Asked, "Is That A Pez Dispenser In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?"

When I was a kid, there were a lot of fads and gimmicks that kept all of us busy cashing in empty soda bottles so we'd have money to buy them. Besides collecting baseball cards, there were also other new fads that every kid just had to have. One of these fads was Pez candies and the ever necessary Pez dispenser.

When the Pez craze hit my neighborhood, it was a neighbor girl who pulled out her dispenser and offered me one. The truth is, I didn't care much for the taste of the candy, but the dispenser was a novelty. Soon, every kid in the neighborhood had one. The Pez craze finally came to an end in my neighborhood and was replaced by another new fad, designed, of course, to separate kids from their allowances. The dispensers were no longer needed and most kids just threw them away. This, in retrospect, was a bad idea.

Some Pez dispensers sell today for large amounts as collectibles. The highest verifiable sale of Pez dispenser was a private sale of a Mickey Mouse softhead at $7000 between an Austrian dealer and a California collector. Who would have thought that by simply stowing the dispenser away, one could have made a lot of money today, selling them as collectibles. Wow, I could've been rich......

The News As I See It: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced "I'm-a-dinner-jacket") spoke at the UN Monday. He arrived in New York Saturday night, rented an SUV, parked it in Times Square, changed his shirt in an alley, and went to the hotel.

Faisal Shahzad, the Pakistani terrorist who tried to detonate a Nissan Pathfinder rigged with explosives in Times Square, has been arrested. He may not be too smart, but at least he realized that if he drove a Toyota, he would be putting his own life in danger. Experts are saying that the last time an SUV got this much attention, there was a 9-iron sticking out of the window.

In California, immigrants end up doing the jobs Americans don’t want, such as talk show hosts, or governor of the state. A cafe in Brooklyn is now selling a $12 cup of coffee. Inside the cup you’ll find hints of apricot, pineapple, kiwi and lime. And outside the cup you’ll find an idiot who spends 12 bucks on coffee.

This Date In History: 1809; Mary Kies of South Killingly, Conn., became the first woman to be granted a patent. The patent was for the rights to a technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1821; Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of St. Helena. 1891; Carnegie Hall (then known as Music Hall) opened in New York City. Peter Tchaikovsky was the guest conductor.

1925; John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwinism. 1961; Alan Shepard became the first American in space. 1981; Bobby Sands of the Irish Republican Army died in a prison hospital on the 66th day of his hunger strike. 2004; Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe" became the most expensive painting ever sold.

Picture Of The Day: Every now and then, the whimsical law of justice comes down with both feet on the hard of understanding. Witness justice striking above as a local dumb ass decided to disrupt a baseball game. In the past, the idiot would have been caught, ejected from the stadium and nothing else. With the advent of the Taser gun, every asshole who decides to pull this trick will leave the stadium with a stunning reminder of why it's a bad idea to run onto a sporting field. Kinda makes ya feel warm all over doesn't it?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 2) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 3) Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 4) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 5) Always take life with a grain of salt...plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Soren Kierkegaard philosopher and religious thinker 1813, Karl Marx, German social philosopher, the chief theorist of modern socialism and communism 1818, Nellie Bly, journalist 1867, Tyrone Power, actor 1914, Arthur L Schawlow, physicist 1921, Tammy Wynette, country singer 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say how nice my wife looked, so I'd nod my head in agreement." The minister asked, "And what about the men?" The old farmer replied, "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

An old Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful teenage Jewish girl from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

The old man continued, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The old man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest replied, "And what is that?" The old man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Murray was at the doctor's office yesterday and the doctor said, "You are in great shape for your age Murray, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" Murray said, "Just a minute doc, I'll have to ask my wife," He went out to the reception room and said, "Hey Rose, do we still have Intercourse?" Rose said "Murray, If I told you once, I told you a thousand times...We have Blue Cross!"

That's it for today my little fiddle sticks. Remember, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !