Some Women Drive Me To Drink And That's Good Because My Stupid Car Broke Down Again !

Suffice to say that I'm not very happy right now because my car is having it's period and won't take me to Happy Hour. Fortunately, my lady friend will and that's good enough for me. Here's the latest:

President Obozo's new message to the American people is "things could be a lot worse." We’ve gone from "change you can believe in" to "things could be a lot worse." The sequel is never as good as the original. Obozo is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha’s Vineyard in August. Obozo was like, "This is my longest vacation ever," and voters were like, "Wait’ll you see the one we're planning for you!"

BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story Congressman Charlie Rangel, under congressional investigation for two years for tax fraud and tax evasion, has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.

My pal and news correspondent, Garnett, sent me a copy of a study conducted by USC's Department of Psychiatry. The study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

In a similar study at USC, it was found that men are always whining that women are suffocating them. The study concluded that if the men were heard whining, the women were not applying sufficient pressure on the pillow.

No further studies are expected on these subjects.

The News As I See It: BP fired Tony Hayward as CEO and the announcement came as no real surprise. BP officials were supposedly trying to keep the move a secret, but of course the news leaked. Hayward negotiated a settlement for a reported $18 million. I guess that will teach him. He plans to spend more time at home spilling every liquid in his kitchen cabinet.

Vice President Joe O'Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year and it’s time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House’s accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning.

The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England's chief minister, Thomas Cromwell, was executed and Henry married his fifth wife, Catherine Howard. 1750; The great baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach died. 1794; Robespierre, one of the leading figures of the French Revolution, was sent to the guillotine. 1821; Peru declared its independence from Spain.

1868; The 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which established the citizenship of African Americans and guaranteed due process of law, was ratified. 1914; Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia, precipitating the start of World War I. 1932; Herbert Hoover ordered Douglas MacArthur to evict the Bonus Marchers from their camps. 2002; Nine Pennsylvania coal miners were rescued after 77 hours of being trapped in a mine shaft.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang is working overtime coming up with funny slants on breaking news.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's easy to get some lumber, nails and a saw to try to build something. Anybody can do that. What's hard to do is take a nap while someone is hammering and sawing. 2) It would be nice if we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize peace and harmony for about an hour. Just imagine how serene and quiet it would be right up to the point where the looting would begin. 3) Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. 4) I'm beginning to wonder how bad four years with no president would be. 5) It gets scary when you start making the same noises that your coffee maker does.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal Paula. Happy Birthday baby! 19XX, Beatrix Potter, author 1866, Marcel Duchamp, painter 1887, Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis, journalist and first lady 1929, Bill Bradley, professional basketball player and politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist. A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat." The old lady said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old. This hat is brand new!"

An old man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" The old man smiled and replied, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?" The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man exclaimed, "Oh, thank goodness, for a minute or two I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's post.

A new world record has been set by a woman for the high jump from a kneeling position. The record (27 inches), remember that this is from a kneeling position, was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump, but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.

Bubba and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bubba paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?" Bubba looked down at his feet, then apologized for his emotional outburst, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bubba stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack right at this very hole." His buddy said, "Oh my God! That must have been very difficult for you!" Bubba replied, "Difficult? It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Mabel, hit the ball, drag Mabel..."

That's it for today my little periwinkles. Remember, anyone can have the body of a twenty-one year old as long as they buy her a few drinks first. Hmm...that reminds me, it's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !