Friday the 13th - Ya Wanna Test Your Luck?"

I have mixed feelings today. I'm a bit nervous because today is Friday the 13th. On the other hand, I'm rather elated as the television is now doing "Back To school" commercials. As for Friday the 13th, I'm not very superstitious but I'm not one to push my luck either. The good news is that I went out last night with my sweet Nicole and had a great time. The bad news is that I'm hung over so badly that my hair hurts.

With those thoughts in mind, chances are that I won't make it to Happy Hour in AREA 51 tonight unless a minor miracle occurs. That combined with the fact that it's Friday the 13th, methinks our hero will be unable to perform any good (or bad) deeds tonight and just stay home. Discretion, I'm told, is the better part of valor.

School is starting soon and all the little noise makers and vandals....make that all the little "precious ones"....will be sentenced and sequestered for the week days. Peace and serenity will once again fill the air and my afternoon naps will be uninterrupted. Now if I can just find a place to send their parents.....

The News As I See It: President Obozo told a crowd in Austin, Texas that if you want to go forward, you put your car in "D," and if you want to move backward, you put your car in "R." Someone needs to remind him about all those shuck and jive promises he hasn't fulfilled and, by the way, the economy is still "F-ed."

Facebook is said to be working on a check-in feature so that your friends can see your location. Uh, that's a bit redundant. Everyone knows that if you’re on Facebook, you’re at work.

The economy is so bad right now, a lot of women in Beverly Hills are being forced to marry for love. Speaking of women, if a woman has excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal.....especially if you mention it to her.

This Date In History: 1521; After a three-month siege, the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlán fell to the Spanish conquistadors, marking the end of one empire and the rise of another. 1906; An all-black army unit was accused of a shooting rampage that left one civilian dead at Fort Brown in Brownsville, Texas. In 1972 they were all exonerated.

1942; Disney's Bambi opened at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. 1961; The border between East and West Berlin was closed and marked with a barbed wire fence. 1995; Baseball great Mickey Mantle died of cancer.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang is on the ball with some clever Friday the 13th pictures. I didn't know today was the infamous Friday the 13th until I hit the Internet, searching for pictures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex? 2) People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. 3) Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 4) If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time. 5) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with......and that's five !

Birthdays: Anders Jöns Ångström, physicist 1814, Lucy Stone, reformer 1818, Annie Oakley, sharpshooter 1860, Alfred Hitchcock, filmmaker 1899, Ben Hogan, golfer 1912, Fidel Castro, Cuban revolutionary, premier of Cuba Don Ho, entertainer 1930, Midori Ito, figure skater 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home." Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.His wife said, "Murray, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." Her husband replied, "Don't worry. Once the neighbors see you, they'll buy us curtains."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

The doctor says, "So, you must decide how many inches you want. But, this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" The man said, "Yes I have," The doctor asks, "Did she helped you make a decision?" The man says, "Yes," The doctor says, "What is your decision?" The man replies, "We're getting granite countertops for the kitchen."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wall-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. His wife says, "What do you think you're doing?" The man says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them!"

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband says, "What do you think you're doing?" His wife says, "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful" Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

We've all heard about people having guts or balls But do you really know the difference between them? Jimmy's Journal, as a public service and in an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

That's it for today my little doodle bugs. Remember, do not despair because no matter how much you care, some people are just assholes. Anyone for Happy Hour? I'll meet you in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !