"Smoke Gets In Your Eyes"

Friday's finally here and not a moment too soon. This week has been relatively good for me and I'm ready to lay back and have a nice long weekend. It looks like Hurricane Earl is petering out (you'll excuse the expression) and hopefully he'll slow down and go away. Goodbye Earl!

I partied on Tuesday and was a good boy on Wednesday and Thursday, but tonight's Friday night and, with any luck, I'm going to Happy Hour in AREA 51 and do a little partying.

Miami Dolphins defensive end Kendall Langford had his 2.5 carat $50,000 (?) earring fall out of his during practice. Let's examine this story, shall we? A) Men that wear earrings, especially one in each ear, are either pimps, effeminate or not too bright. The "not too bright" category usually includes sports figures, especially basketball and football players. B) Assuming Mr. Langford is not a pimp or effeminate, he definitely qualifies for the low I.Q. category for the simple reason he wasn't bright enough to remove his jewelry prior to practice. As for the reported value, flawed diamonds of that size are bought every day for under $10,000 and sold to the uneducated for a much higher price. This, of course, is assuming the "diamond" is not a zircon.

The News As I See It: President Obozo called former President Dubya Bush before the presidential address last night. I’m not saying the economy is bad, but Obozo called collect. The "anointed one" said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats.

My Wednesday post about the new study showing that drinkers live longer than non-drinkers was well taken. Finally, there was some good news for David Hasselhoff.

Paris Hilton is banned from the Wynn Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. This is the worst thing to ever happen to Paris. Now, when she’s in Vegas, she may actually have to stay at the Hilton.

Beaches in Italy are now training dogs to become lifeguards. That should work well as long as someone throws a tennis ball at you while you’re drowning.

This Date In History: 1189; Richard I (the Lion-Hearted) was crowned king of England at Westminster Abbey. 1658; Oliver Cromwell, the lord protector of England, died. 1783; The Treaty of Paris officially ended the Revolutionary War between the United States and Great Britain. 1939; Great Britain and France declared war on Germany during World War II.

1967; Nguyen Van Thieu was elected president of South Vietnam. 1974; Frank Robinson was named the first African-American manager in major league baseball. 1976; The unmanned U.S. spacecraft Viking II landed on Mars and took the first pictures of the planet's surface. 1978; Pope John Paul I was installed as the 264th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church.

Picture Of The Day: Some recent birthdays gave birth to the idea for some of today's pictures. Sean Connery (who will always be James Bond to me) turned 70 and Dr. Phil turned 60. The difference between the two is that Connery is a gentleman and excellent actor and Dr. Phil is an asshole. Either way, in the spirit of birthdays, I wish a happy birthday to both.

The other pictures are some interesting shots of smoke and I thought I'd share them with you. The last picture is puzzling and I'd be interested to hear your comments and answers to the question posed. I definitely would like to hear the answer from my pal Jack who is a veteran, author and worldly traveler. Surely he will know the answer to the question as he has driven all over the world.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new survey found that 30 percent of parents get bored playing with their kids. That explains my parents' favorite game to play with me: "hide & stay." 2) Years ago, a woman at a party came up to me and said, "Sir, you are drunk." I told her, "Lady, you are ugly. In the morning, I will be sober." 3) TV commercials show you how detergents can take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. 4) Dogs may be may be man's best friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport. 5) When I go out to nightclubs, I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a chick who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future......and that's five !

Birthdays: Mark Hopkins, merchant, railroad developer 1814, Sarah Orne Jewett, novelist/writer 1849, Louis Sullivan, American architect 1856, Edward Albert Filene, merchant 1860, Charles Hamilton Houston, lawyer 1895, Loren Eiseley, anthropologist 1907, Alan Ladd, actor 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

The lady said, "How are you today?" The man responded, "Fine, thank you," and turned back to his book. The lady said, "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" The man replied, "It's the first time since my wife passed away two years ago."

The woman said, "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely. Do you live around here?" The man said, "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs." Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." Suddenly, a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat !"

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks, "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box and says, "Father O’Malley, my name is Murray Lipschitz. I’m seventy years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 30 year old girl, and on the side, her 26 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

Father O'Malley says, "My good man, I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" Murray says, "Are you kidding me? At my age, I’m telling everybody!"

That's it for today my little wine sippers. Remember, some mistakes are way too much fun to only make once. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. I'm relatively sure that I'll make a mistake or two. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !