Abandon Ship - Women, Children and Journalists First !

A Carnival cruise ship was stranded off the Pacific Coast and had to be towed back to land. The ship had no electricity, no hot water, and no air conditioning. If they wanted that, they could have stayed in Mexico. For two days, the ship drifted with no power, earning the nickname "The Democratic Party."

The ship was towed back into San Diego and Carnival gave passengers a refund and tickets for another cruise. That’s like getting food poisoning at a restaurant and then being offered a doggy bag. I probably shouldn’t make fun of cruises because I’ll probably end up working on one.

Former President Bush is all over the place hawking his new book and said in an interview that he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But who among us hasn’t had a couple drinks and invaded Iraq? Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she’s the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library. a

Here's my latest video on YouTube. This ballad is one of my favorites and I hope you enjoy it. Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: I finally read former President Bush’s memoir, and I’ve got to say, the book was way better than the presidency.

JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That’s who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who’s been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years.

Americans are stranded on a cruise ship for two days and they have to haul in 60,000 pounds of food. Meanwhile, the Chilean miners were underground for 69 days with nothing but a can of tuna fish and they were fine.

President Obozo is still out of the country but he's keeping in contact with Vice President Joe O'Biden to find out when it's safe to come back home.

Nancy Pelosi will no longer be speaker of the house, so she's forced to give up her private jet to make those trips from Washington DC to San Francisco. She'll be flying Southwest from now on because "Bags fly free."

The Pentagon says it doesn’t know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can’t believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House.

This Date In History: 1920; Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis was elected the first commissioner of baseball. 1927; Leon Trotsky was expelled from the Communist Party and Joseph Stalin became the ruler of the Soviet Union. 1942; The World War II battle of Guadalcanal begins.

1954; Ellis Island stopped serving as the chief immigration station for the United States. Twenty million immigrants went through Ellis Island in its 62 years of operation. 1970; A cyclone and tidal wave hit East Pakistan, killing over 200,000 people.

1981; The space shuttle Columbia was launched for the second time. It was the first time a space vehicle was used more than once. 1990; Akihito becomes emperor of Japan. 1997; Ramzi Yousef, the man behind the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, was convicted in New York.

Picture Of The Day: November 6th was Saxophone Day, celebrating the birth in 1814 of Adolphe Sax, who invented the instrument. The only people I could remember who played the sax was Gato Barbieri and Bill Clinton. I couldn't find a picture of Gato and, besides, Clinton is more fun.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I childproofed my home but the little bastards are still getting in. 2) Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. 3) I want Santa's list of naughty girls for Christmas. 4) I wonder what chickens think we taste like? 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Auguste Rodin, sculptor 1840, Sun Yat-Sen, founder of modern China 1866, Harry Blackmun, Associate Justice 1908, Grace Kelly, actress, Princess of Monaco 1929.

Neil Young, singer; songwriter; guitarist 1945, Nadia Comaneci, gymnast 1961, Sammy Sosa, baseball outfielder 1968, Ryan Gosling, actor 1980, Anne Hathaway, actress 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. The other finalist was a country boy who was going into the 5th grade for the 3rd time. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! They wondered how the country boy could top that? The clock started again and the country boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went, Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Dutch and Garnett for their contributions to today's stories.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa,you need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma, help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Jones were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen! Ma says, "Look at the size of that bird, Pa!" Pa raises up and says, "Git my gun, Ma." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

Pa takes careful aim and Bang!...Bang!.....Bang!.....Bang! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "I think ya missed him, Pa." Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Bobby Joe shows up at the bar all out of breath so Billy Ray asks him what the hell is wrong with you? Bobby Joe says, "I've been running from the cops. but I finally lost them" Billy Ray asked, "What the hell did you do?" Bobby Joe replied, "Nothing, I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Billy Ray said, "That's not against the law." Bobby Joe said, "That's what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure thought it was....."

That's it for today my little peacocks. Remember, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. With that in mind, I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !