Happy New Year !

Tonight is New Year's Eve or as I like to call it, amateur night. People who do not drink all year will have a sip of the spirits tonight and that spells danger (Will Robinson). You can usually tell the roads the normally non-drinkers take by counting the number of downed mail boxes and stop signs.

Over the years, one of the things I have learned is that if you're going out, try to stay close to home. The shorter the path to safety the less chance you'll encounter problems. For the non-drinkers who will drink tonight, eat first and pace yourself! You'll handle the liquor much easier by drinking slowly on a full stomach.

Once you start feeling the alcohol, make sure you call all of your family and friends to wish them a Happy New Year. Then, you can throw up, lose your cell phone and pass out in the front yard.

Happy New Year to all my family, friends and readers and have a safe New Year. New Year's Day advice for my normally non-drinking, hungover friends....eat, drink lots of water and take two aspirins. For my drinking buddies.....hair of the dog.

The News As I See It: The general manager of La Guardia Airport in New York said that with all the cancellations and delays, it'll be two to three days before the airlines are at a regular schedule, and the TSA gets back to handling 7,000 testicles per hour at the passenger screening booths.

Brazil will name a huge oil field after President Da Silva. In related news, a huge wind farm in the USA will be named after Vice President Joe O'Biden.

It has been reported that Snooki from "Jersey Shore" will not be dropping from a ball at midnight in Times Square. Most likely it'll be like every other night with balls dropping on her.

Vivid Entertainment's Steve Hirsch says he'll foot the bill for the Octomom's $450,000 house to avoid her being evicted. He says he's not pressuring her to do porn but recently offered her $1 million to star in an adult video. I think she was crazy to turn it down. That's like a thousand dollars a stretch mark.

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis. 1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II.

1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid. 1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964; The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year, of course !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Today is the accepted time to make your annual New Year's resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. 2) The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you actually kiss the person you're married to. 3) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. 4) 2011 will be the year I finally stop drunk dialing and start drunk tweeting. 5) On New Year's Day, thieves robbed and bound a man with masking tape. He was able to chew through the tape after two hours of trying. His inspiration came from his wife's pot roast.......and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal Mercy, Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshall, general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, singer and songwriter 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Welcome! Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." The blonde agrees.

St. Peter says, "Here's your question: Name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." The blonde says, "Today and tomorrow!" St. Peter says, "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Twelve!" St. Peter says, "Twelve?" The blonde says, "Yeah! January second, February second, March second---"

St. Peter says, "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Howard!" St. Peter says, "Howard??" The blonde says, "You know, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

A Blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to his new wife, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and says, "I'm here to breed the cow." She takes him down the barn and they walk along a long row of cows. When she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" The blonde says, "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. Charlie asks, "So, how'd it go, Harry?" Harry said, "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."

Charlie tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" Harry said, "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

That's it for today my little sparklers. Remember, you are not alone. Everybody's family is crazy. Have a safe and Happy New Year and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !