Punxsutawney Phil Predicts An Early Spring !

Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog resident of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, peeked out of his burrow today in front of a crowd of thousands and did not see his shadow. According to the tradition, if Phil sees his shadow and returns to his burrow, he will predict six more weeks of winter. If Phil does not see his shadow, he will predict an early spring.

Since much of the East Coast, including Punxsutawney, Penn., is under a winter storm warning, it was a foregone conclusion that there wouldn't be sun in the sky to create a shadow. The date of Phil's prognostication is known as Groundhog Day in the United States and Canada. During the rest of the year, Phil lives in the town library with his "wife" Phyllis.

Phyllis seemed visibly upset at the surrounding paparazzi this morning and would not comment. It was later learned that there was an incident before dawn between Phil, Phyllis, and the paparazzi. Jimmy's Journal has exclusively obtained the picture below ostensibly taken by the paparazzi. Punxsutawney Phil had no comment but it was later learned that the pair did return later to the burrow to take care of an unresolved matter.

The News As I See It: Chicago got something like 20 inches of snow this morning. In fact, Rahm Emanuel said he's glad he doesn't really live there.

Vice president Joe O'Biden has suggested to people out of work to just "hang in there." What a difference two years makes. Remember "Hope and change"? Now it’s "Hang in there."

Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he's 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake. They had a party at Dick's house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, "Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart."

John Boehner, the congressman from Ohio, is the new speaker of the House. We know that he cries. It's some sort of enzyme problem. If he can't find his car keys, he'll just sit down and sob.

Taco Bell is being sued for failing to meet the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef. In fact, Oprah Winfrey talked about her week of eating vegan. She said it was easy. All she did was eat at Taco Bell. But you can tell they’ve addressed the issue by their new slogan: "Taco Bell: we now meet the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef."

Bristol Palin recently announced that she has a new boyfriend. No word yet on their baby’s name.

This Date In History: 1536; The city of Buenos Aires, Argentina, was founded by Spanish conquistador Pedro de Mendoza. 1709; Scottish sailor Alexander Selkirk, the inspiration for Daniel Defoe's Robinson Crusoe, was rescued after four years alone on an island off the coast of Chile.

1848; The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican War, was signed. In the treaty, Mexico ceded to the United States a huge portion of what is today the American West and Southwest, including California and New Mexico. 1870; The Cardiff Giant was revealed to be a hoax.

1876; The National League of Professional Baseball Clubs was formed. 1887; The first gathering at Gobbler's Knob in Punxsatawney, Pa. to wait for the groundhog's shadow occurred. 1922; James Joyce's Ulysses was published. 1943; Nazi troops surrendered in the World War II Battle of Stalingrad.

1971; Idi Amin became dictator of Uganda. 1980; The Abscam scandal was revealed. 1990; South African President F. W. de Klerk lifted a ban on the African National Congress and promised to free Nelson Mandela. 2003; Czech Republic President Vaclav Havel stepped down after 13 years.

Picture Of The Day: It's Groundhog Day, what did you expect.....a picture of Barack and Michelle? Hmmmm......?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Animal testing is a bad idea and doesn't really work. The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers! 2) Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. 3) When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed. 4) A dyslexic pagan not only believes in Dog, but believes in many other dogs as well. 5) Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 2nd: Truckloads of plastic fake dog shit may dump itself in front of your house today, making it very difficult for cars to park. Spank yourself silly today because you're been very, very bad. Homeless people may wander up to you today and offer to buy the magazine you're holding. If you mis-use the word literally once more today ("I *literally* laughed my ass off"), you're going to feel what it's like to be hit "upside the head". Whether you want to or not, this week will have a journey in store for you. Avoid Cairo!

Birthdays: Talleyrand, statesman and diplomat 1754, Albert Sidney Johnston, general 1803, James Joyce, Irish novelist 1882, George Halas, football pioneer 1895, Jascha Heifetz, violinist 1901, Ayn Rand, writer 1905, Abba Eban, statesman 1915, James Dickey, poet and novelist 1923, Stan Getz, saxophonist 1927, Farrah Fawcett, actress 1947, Christie Brinkley, model 1954, Shakira, singer, songwriter 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two men were talking and the first man says, "So, how's your sex life?" The second man replies, "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." The first man asks, "Social Security sex?" The second man says, "Yeah, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A man was in his back yard trying to launch a kite. He threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. He tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window.

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to him, "You need a piece of tail." He turned with a confused look on my face and said, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on...neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing so she'll have to take the bus."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you can hum it, I'll try to play it."

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" The brown thing said, "I'm a cow." The zebra said, "What do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer." The zebra said, "Cool."

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" The funny looking white thing said, "I'm a chicken." The zebra said, "What do you do?" The funny looking white thing said, "I make eggs for the farmer." The zebra said, "Neat, see you around."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" The beast said, "I am a Stallion." The zebra said, "Wow, what do you do?" The stallion said, "Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

That's it for today my little sea horses. Remember, forget running for political office. Chances are, you've slept with too many people, done too many drugs, and been to too many parties. With that in mind, I'll be heading to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !