I Hate Shopping!

Actually, I don't particularly mind shopping, but I prefer to shop when the malls aren't too crowded. I went shopping twice this weekend because I had some Macy's gift cards, I needed some jeans and there was a sale at Macy's. I normally don't buy jeans at Macy's because Sears and Penney's usually have the same jeans for ten dollars less, but since I had the gift cards....

On Friday, I went to the nearest mall that had a Macy's store and upon entering the mall, I immediately remembered exactly why I dislike shopping. On the positive side, there was a plethora of beautiful young women in various stages of undress. On the negative side, there was an equal number of baggy panted thugs with the obligatory earrings in both ears and the brand new baseball cap worn askew.

Confident that none of the posers could afford to shop at Macy's, I entered the store carefully avoiding the throng of beautiful young women who seem bent and determined to spray you with their newest colognes and scents and proceeded to the men's jean department.

As any man can tell you, department stores are designed for women, and rightfully so. Women have the fortitude to search out the best deals and most men (myself included) just want to get what they came for and get the hell out. Most men's departments are located in the bowels of the store and one must pass every possible variation of women's clothing, shoes, perfumes and jewelry in order to get there.

When I did find the men's department, the sale had been altered, the jeans I wanted were not in stock and the Levi's department had a cash register, but no cashier. Steaming, I searched for a manager or an reasonable facsimile and finally found two different sales ladies, neither of whom could speak English. Understanding that this particular Macy's was a total abortion at best, I returned home and left several scathing comments on the Macy's website.

On the bright side, on Sunday, I hooked up with my pal, Emilio, and we took a ride to a newer mall in a better part of South Florida. I got my jeans at the sale price and an additional 20% of with a coupon provided to me by the sales clerk. Emilio exchanged a pair of jeans, previously purchased last week, for a different size. He bought an additional pair and the sales clerk gave him the second pair at half price because of the sale.

Content, we headed back to Miami Lakes where we stopped in AREA 51 for a beer. The shopping gods must have liked us because the beers were also two for one. Sometimes, you just get lucky.....

The News As I See It: It’s daylight-saving time, when we lose an hour of our lives. It’s like nature’s version of Facebook. Why couldn’t they spring forward an hour during the Oscars?

Julianne Moore is going to play Sarah Palin in a new HBO movie. Julianne said, "But I know nothing about politics" and the producers said, "Perfect!"

The movie "Battle: Los Angeles" is unrealistic because America’s army goes all out to defend Los Angles. Hey, there are already millions of illegal aliens there and if aliens from outer space really attacked Los Angeles, Americans would say "You can have it!"

A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat.

Speaking of airlines, they are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag.

This Date In History: 1743; The first town meeting was held in Boston, Massachusetts, at Faneuil Hall. 1794; The cotton gin was patented by Eli Whitney. 1939; The Republic of Czechoslovakia was dissolved, soon to be occupied by the Nazis. 1950; The FBI’s "Ten Most Wanted Fugitives" list made its debut.

1958; Perry Como's single "Catch a Falling Star" became the first RIAA gold record. 1964; Jack Ruby was found guilty of the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, alleged assassin of President John F. Kennedy. 1990; The Soviet Congress voted Mikhail Gorbachev into the newly-created and powerful position of president.

Picture Of The Day: In male-female relationships, there are times that tiny quarrels happen. In most cases, it is the wise male who avoids confronting an irritated spouse. In other cases, when the spouse warbles on and on and on, ad nauseum, the male sometimes takes the proverbial bull by the horns, or as so perfectly photographed below exhibits, by the beak.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... 2) One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man is "That’s okay" which means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake. 3) When you are dating, farting is never an issue. When you are married, you make sure there’s nothing flammable near your wife at all times. 4) I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. 5) Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home......and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Pisces - March 14th: Take a coat today as you'll need it if it rains, becomes slightly colder than usual or if you happen to be caught out while parading naked around your local shopping center. You may become friends with a self-proclaimed tribal warrior named Kleve. Your footsteps will seem louder today as you break in new shoes. However, this will not be a metaphorical sign of anything greater.

You may soon receive good news from a vet. Butter your bread on both sides so that if the bread falls, you'll be screwed no matter what. It may be easier to make a toasted sandwich. Everything will suddenly sound good to you today. You will feel cleansed this week after a visit to an proctologist ends with sexy results. Your nightmares may continue until Autumn....of next year.

Birthdays:Georg Telemann, composer 1681, Giovanni Schiaparelli, astronomer 1835, Paul Ehrlich, bacteriologist 1854, Casey Jones, railroad engineer 1864, Albert Einstein, American theoretical physicist, known for the formulation of the relativity theory 1879, Diane Arbus, photographer 1923, Quincy Jones, composer 1933, Michael Caine, actor 1933, Billy Crystal, actor, comedian, writer 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill:

An old woman asks the grocer "Do you have any broccoli?" The grocer says, "No, we are out today" The woman says, "I see. Then I'll have a pound of onions and a pound of broccoli." The grocer says, "I'm sorry ma'am. We have no broccoli." The old woman says, "Oh well, then just the onions, some potatoes, and a pound of broccoli."

The grocer points up to a sign with a list of vegetables and says, "Ma'am, Do you see the 'car' in 'carrots'?" The woman says, "Yes, I do." The grocer says, "Do you see the 'pot' in 'potatoes'?" The woman says, "Yes..." The grocer says, "Do you see the 'freak' in 'broccoli'?" The old woman says, "There is no 'freak' in 'broccoli." The grocer says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you."

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, "OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?"

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, "The one in the middle." The young man is astounded and asks, "How in the world did you figure it out?" She says, "Easy...I don’t like her."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus. An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo.

On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over. The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?" The bus driver says, Calm down, I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I’m taking them to the movies."

A couple from Louisiana was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Chinese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Chinese?" The man said proudly, "In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk. We want to be able to understand him."

That's it for today my little cracker jacks. Remember, even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !