Happy Hour

Almost everyone has been to Happy Hour once in their lives. In times of stress and on almost any other occasion which can be justifiable, I, too, have gone to happy hour in a special little place which I like to call AREA 51. Although the physical site has changed over the years, the reason for its existance has not.

In the past, happy hour was a release from the pressure of my business and othe related issues. As time passed and I became single again, it became a social experience and a meeting place for friends. Lately, it still serves its purpose in both categories and now has the added attraction of people watching.

Granted, it can never live up to the expectations of mirth when one visits WalMart, but then again every day can't be the Superbowl. It is amusing however, to watch some of the younger men make that long walk to speak to a woman only having to return to his seat like the proverbial hunter who returns home empty handed.

Of course, nothing beats watching the man or woman who has reached that certain state when lying one's head on the bar seems like a good idea, even if the waiter has not yet removed the plate of spaghetti.

The News As I See It: Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Maria will get the house in Malibu and Arnold will be moving back to Skull Island. Hey, Maria gave it a shot, but that’s what happens when you marry outside of your species.

President Obozo admitted he was very nervous while watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. And it didn’t help that every two seconds, Joe O'Biden kept saying, "Are we there yet?"

The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yea, not anymore. The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.

Apparently Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner cable guy to show up.

Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It’s already a huge hit - in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress.

In Detroit, a plane had to be diverted due to a threatening note. The note said, "Welcome to Detroit."

This Date In History: 1858; Minnesota became the 32nd state in the United States. 1894; The Pullman Strike began. 1949; Siam changed its name to Thailand. 1960; Israeli agents captured Nazi Adolf Eichmann in Argentina. 1973; Charges against Daniel Ellsberg for his role in the Pentagon Papers case were dismissed.

1981; Reggae performer Bob Marley died of cancer in Miami at the age of 36. 1997; IBM's supercomputer, Deep Blue defeated Garry Kasparov, the reigning world champion, in a six game chess match (2 for blue, 1 for Kasparov, and 3 ties). 1998; India set off atomic blasts. 2003; 91% of Lithuanian voters opted to join the European Union - the first former Soviet nation to do so.

Picture Of The Day: There are times that going happy hour is impossible and it's always great to have a couple of drinks at home. Like any other drinking situtation, you have to keep an eye on your drink at all times.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 2) Sometimes I go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. 3) Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. 4) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 5) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - May 11th: You can test yourself today by attempting to abstain from gratuitous sex. Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Your face may become sore and chapped today due to all the slapping. The odds are always on your side today, so don't be afraid to experiment. It probably seems unreal right now, but you are likely to meet a long-lost relative over the coming month or so. Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might be awkwardly caught out when even the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.

Birthdays: My pal Chad - Happy Birthday Bud! 19XX, Irving Berlin, songwriter 1888, Dame Margaret Rutherford, actress 1892, Martha Graham, modern dancer, choreographer 1894, Salvadore Dali, Spanish surrealist painter 1904, Camilo José Cela, novelist and poet 1916, Richard Feynman, physicist 1918, Louis Farrakhan, religious leader 1933, Natasha Richardson, actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" He replies, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The man says, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." Smiling, the woman asks, "What's it telling you now?" The man says, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man replies, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. She cried, " Hello?" but no answer. She cried a little louder, Is anybody here?" But still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled, "Hello! Is any one here?" Then she heard a voice from far away, "Hello, we're down here...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?" The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun." The boy asked his father, "And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" The father said, "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body."

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet? His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert." The boy said, "So tell me then, why are you living in Detroit, Michigan
and still wearing all this shit?"

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing Georges truck there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, bubba and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bubba leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?" And thus began Bubba's life of celibacy....

That's it for today, my little meadowlarks. Remember, women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. It's Hump Day and with any luck, I'll be heading to Happy Hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !