I Won't Be Back

Have you ever listened to someone speak and all of a sudden a little voice in your mind says, "Asshole!"? From the moment I heard Arnold Shwarzenneger speak, that's the first thought that entered my mind. I'm not referring to his less-than-Oscar-winning performances in movies. I'm talking about the first time I realized that California needed group therapy for electing an idiot who can barely speak Engish as their governor.

My initial thoughts were verified when "Ahnold" announced he had an affair with his maid and that the affair produced a "lust" child. Although I don't advocate extra-marital affairs, I am wise enough to know that the first rule of extra-marital activities is "never sh*t where you eat."

Nancy Pelosi's San Francisco district is getting 20% of all of the latest Obamacare law waivers. More than three dozen businesses with locations in Pelosi's district were granted temporary exemptions from the law in April, according to information released by the Department of Health and Human Services. The businesses - mostly restaurants and cafes, with a few upscale hotels and clubs mixed in - accounted for about 20 percent of all waivers granted last month.

Pelosi championed Obamacare with such intelligent statements as "We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it" (that little voice in my mind is screaming again). Do the words graft or bribery come to mind?

The News As I See It: The Navy SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden's compound. It's probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles like "Debby Does Abbottabad", "Deep Goat" and "2 Humps, 1 Camel."

Senator John Kerry is in Pakistan, sending a strong message to the government and the people. The message is, "We think this is important enough to send John Kerry." It was annoying when John Kerry got off the plane and everyone kept asking him, "Why the long face?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying.

Scientists have a new blood test that can tell you how fast you're aging. It cost $700. Or, you can just look in the mirror. They say they've found the "master switch" that controls obesity. Hell, that's not news, the switch is called the refrigerator light.

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power. 1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years.

1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over. 2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2004; Randy Johnson, age 40, became the oldest pitcher to throw a perfect game.

Picture Of The Day: Planking is a new behavior reported among Australia's Yowies and a social media phenomenon that is going global this week. Aussie enthusiast Daniel Hoppin took this phenomenon online. "We started lying down in bars and clubs to try to spin people. Then we began a Facebook group to see who could get the craziest photo."

Currently, there is social tension about whether it is humorous, stupid, dangerous, or creative. The planking craze already claimed its first victim this week, when a person attempted a planking stunt on his balcony and fell to his death. Dont fret though, it's just nature's way of thinning the idiot herd.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll buy a stupid hat. 2) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 3) The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 4) We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. 5) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.....and that's five!

Bonus Sixth: I've been to a lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I've heard no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport....you have to be driven there.

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th: Make yourself feel great today. Kiss a baby, hug a tree, read a good book and then take a long train journey. After that, you'll still be homely, but you'll be so tired you won't even care. Gambling is something that may get the better of you. Remember, gambling doesn't always mean forfeiting money but can also take the form of running a yellow light or crossing the road when it appears to be safe.

Loads of fake dog-poop may be dumped it in front of your house today, making it very difficult for cars to park. A romantic hotel break may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Some suggestions are to cover the bed in rose petals, place some chocolates on your loved-one's pillow and bring some beautiful, fragrant flowers. Oh, and remember to flush the toilet before your lover arrives!

Birthdays: My son Kevin - Happy Birthday! 19XX, My good buddy Joe - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philosopher 1872, Walter Gropius, architect 1883, Ezio Pinza, singer 1892, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope 1920, Reggie Jackson, baseball player 1946, Chow Yun-Fat, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray and Rose are senior citizens and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Rose, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Rose says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Murray goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Rose, do you notice anything different?" Rose says, "What's different, Murray? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Murray yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!" Rose replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse and at eight I shit like a cow." The other men ask, "So what's your problem?" The man replied, "I don't wake up until nine."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher said, "Very good, Joe."

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." The teacher, very pleased with the response so far, said, "That's a great story, Mary.".

Next it was Little Johnny's turn to tell his story. Johnny said, "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

Little Johnny continued, "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

The horrified teacher said, "Good heavens, what did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" Little Johnny said, "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drunk."

A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. The preacher asked, "This mower work, son?" Little Johnny said, "Sure does, just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.

Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house and said, "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." Johnny said, "Well, you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" Little Johnny said, "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

That's it for today my pea pickers. Remember, a bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. It's hump day and with any luck, I'm going to happy hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !