Gorilla My Dreams

I used to have great dreams! No, not just those, but all kinds of neat dreams. Lately, my dreams are so weird that I second-guess their origin. Most dreams are a hodgepodge of conscious and subconscious thoughts that the mind weaves into a little video for your dining and dancing pleasure.

My mind now seems to think that it's a Hollywood producer and some of my latest dreams include some the worst characters I could ever imagine. Ex-mothers-in-law and arch enemies notwithstanding, the characters and script sometimes border on the absurd.

I mean, it's one thing to have a strange dream, but when they come with special effects, it becomes strange. I wonder what's next? Maybe at the end of the dream, they'll end up rolling the credits and cast of characters. I know one thing for sure. The Devil, my-ex-mother-in-law and my ex-wives will all be played by themselves. Popcorn, anyone?

The News As I See It: President Obozo said regarding the economy, "The sky is not falling." That's quite astute. His poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner’s pants are falling, but the sky is just fine. Way to call 'em Prez!

According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we'll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression.

Ahnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, her son left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit.

It was so sunny today that Anthony Weiner saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of Weiner jokes. And don’t judge Anthony Weiner until you’ve walked a mile in his pants....around your ankles.

In a new interview, Bill Gates said that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is engaged. But when pressed for more info, Gates just froze and had to be rebooted.

According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? Really? When did the first one end?

Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson lashed out at CNN as being elitist for not allowing him to participate in the Republican debate. He said CNN was robbing him of the opportunity to reach literally dozens of viewers.

This Date In History: 1215; King John sealed the Magna Carta. 1775;
George Washington was appointed head of the Continental Army by the Second Continental Congress. 1836; Arkansas became the 25th state in the United States.

1844; Charles Goodyear was granted a patent for rubber vulcanization. 1849; James Polk, the 11th president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tennessee. 1923; Lou Gehrig made his New York Yankee debut as a pinch runner.

1992; Vice President Dan Quayle's "potatoe" spelling incident. 1996; Ella Fitzgerald, the "first lady of song," died in Beverly Hills, California. 2002; Rolling Stone Mick Jagger was knighted by Queen Elizabeth.

Picture Of The Day: Old Timer's Disease prevents me from thanking my pal who sent me today's "Doghouse" picture, but I'd like to thank he or she for sending it. The only house missing belongs to Congressman Anthony Weiner and is currently being painted for his future use.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend of mine has a girl she wants me to meet. She warned me that the girl's looking for a man with a great six-pack. No problem! I'm going to go see her this weekend and I'm bringing Budweiser and a pizza, as well! 2) Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

3) The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. 4) A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President Georgie "Dubya" Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. 5) Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. The penalty for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 15th: Love is adventurous today, so try something you've never tried before. Well, to be a bit more explicit, not with a farm animal. Dress options lean toward casual but don't wear the flowery print thing you wore last time. The cat still won't come out from underneath the bed. Tip your server generously. You never know when you'll need back-up.

Birthdays: Edward the Black Prince, prince 1330, Edvard Grieg, Norwegian composer 1843, Mario Cuomo, politician 1932, Waylon Jennings, singer 1937, Helen Hunt, actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Washington, D.C. with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?"

Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click.... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The Black curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of Blacks in a predominately White, patriarchal society.

He pointed out, "In fact, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about." The couple asked, "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?'" The Scottish man said, "Because I'm the guy who painted it. In fact, there are no Blacks or homosexuals depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Georgie "Dubya" Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. The diplomat said, "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" The wretched Abdul stammered, "A thousand pardons sire, but the Vice President is sitting on the well."

That's it for today my woodchucks. Remember, politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. AREA 51 is today's destination for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !