Let's Play "Cowboys And Computers"

I'm going to massacre my computer. The only reason I have not done this as yet is that I Googled my plea of self-defense and it won't hold up in court. The damned thing treats me like Rodney Dangerfield. Yesterday, a message came on my computer screen that read "File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)."

This morning, I turned on the computer and being in a relatively happy Friday mood, I began working on today's entry. I started typing and when I clicked "Save", a message flashed on my monitor that read, "Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)."

I finally bought an external hard drive and after moving my music and pictures, my computer quit whinning like a banshee. The bad things is that it seems to be running slower now and I may have to add more memory.

One good thing about my computer is that I find it's the perfect thing for men who don't feel that women provide them with enough frustration. Sometimes I think my computer is almost human except that it doesn't blame its mistakes on another computer. It always beats me at chess, but it's going to be no match for me once I circle the wagons and open fire.....

The News As I See It: I think everyone should take some time to check on the elderly. Thank you. Okay, I’m fine.....

President Obozo and House Speaker John Boohooer have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boohooer will be crying over his score and Obozo will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.

Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, has had a second woman come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages.....like cocktail wieners.

This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days when Senator Larry Craig had to get in his car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall the guy's in and knock on the door? Now they send it right to your house.

Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, "No, my hair is fine."

Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there. The women who Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as they call it in Los Angeles, the circle of life.

Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere and yesterday she made it worse. She said, "What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?"

This Date In History: 1801; The Tripolitan War, between the United States and the Barbary States, began. 1865; Wagner's opera, Tristan and Isolde, premiered in Munich. 1935; Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by "Bill W."

1942; The entire male population of the Czech village of Lidice was massacred in retaliation for the death of Nazi official Reinhard Heydrich. 1946; Italy replaced its monarchy with a republic.

1967; The Six-Day War between Israel and Syria, Egypt, and Jordan ended. 1978; Affirmed won the Belmont Stakes and the Triple Crown.

Picture Of The Day: I had to laugh when I saw Obozo and Obiden photoshopped as the Lone Ranger and Tonto. With the economy in the porcelain receptacle, the title is appropriate.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say celebrities die in threes. Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in one extra completely free! 2) Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out "Boyz to Men" was a music group not a delivery service. 3) An echo is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word. 4) Fifty-one percent of New York voters think Congressman Anthony Weiner should keep his seat. The other 49 percent think he should disinfect it. 5) A recent study found out that men prefer to have sex on the days that start with the letter "T". Examples of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday .....and that's five....er, six !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 10th: You will find you get better sex advice if you stop talking to what you call "little people" in your nearby pub. Love makes the world go round, and peaches make a very nice accompaniment to cream cheese. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals may cause you problems this afternoon at happy hour. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later tonight.

Birthdays: Gustave Courbet, painter 1819, Hattie McDaniel, singer and actress 1895, Saul Bellow, novelist 1915, Maurice Sendak, writer 1928, Judy Garland, actress 1922, Robert Maxwell, business executive 1923, Tara Lipinski, figure skater 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it." The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?" The small alligator says, "Lawyers, same as you."

The big gator says, "Hmmm.... Well, where do you catch’em?" The little gator says, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big gator says, "Same here. Hmmm... How do you catch’em? The little gator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!"

The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a lawyer, there’s nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase."

Billy Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds and it better be there!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Billy Bob has been missing since Friday.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey, I love you."

His wife says, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!"

A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" The guy says, "That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment." The midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. The midget says, "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. The midget says, "Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. The midget says, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So the rancher picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears. The midget says. "Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

The midget says, "Nith mouf, can I thee her twat?" The rancher goes ballistic, grabs the midget under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s vagina. Then, he pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing, and says, "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry." As his wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job.

That's it for today my licorice sticks. Remember, if you decide to get married, make sure you think alike. My ex-wife and I didn't think alike. She donated money to the homeless and I donated money to the topless! Hey, it's Friday and time for happy hour in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !